You are here

Step Daughter now 18, Gay and angry!

sandqueen's picture

I've been custodial SM since SD was 4. Bio in and out of her life, never there emotionally, she was simply an every other weekend mother and wanted nothing to do with any other aspect of SD's life. Behind in CS $33,600 to DH. For all intents and purposes I've been put through the ringer. I've never claimed to be perfect but all children were equal in this house, no one ever got preferential treatment. DH's parents never liked the blended family and refused to acknowledge my daughter but were more than happy that my whole family treated SD as though I gave birth to her, and that I was the woman raising her. We have no relationship with DH's parents, they are way too toxic. SD came out about a 6 mo ago, we have NO issues with her sexuality. Her partner however is a kid who grew up in the foster care system and was abused and whos father killed himself and she has no idea where bio mom is.

my SD is an extremely angry girl. Her bio mom took off with other men a couple of years ago and cut SD out of her life 14 months ago- no contact at all. SD has rage, no amount of therapy or alternate parenting has helped her.

She decided (poorly planned) to accuse me of punching her in the face (to be fair she started screaming at me and I said she could leave if she did not like the rules in the house - very very poor choice on my part I fully admit) one night when DH was not home. I called 911 and 2 cops came and I told them what happened and what I had said to her. They looked her over and called her bluff. Her girlfriend (who was homeless) appeared out of thin air and started SCREAMING at me and threatening me. DH was away on job training and had to get an emergency flight home the next day. I left for a hotel and told him I understood a minor needed a home and it was his daughter, but that NO ONE accuses me of child abuse and gets to have me sticking around. SD admitted the next day she made the abuse allegation up.

Crisis wanted her to go inpatient for intensive therapy for 10 days. I told DH once she was settled there, I would come home otherwise i would be in a local hotel. DH took SD to PD (they wanted him to bring her in so they could tell her had she been 18 it would have been criminal to accuse me of abuse falsly, and that they investigated and (there were 3 cops) and said SHE was the aggressor that night and again, had she been 18, they would have removed her from the home. Shew as unfazed and said I've wanted to move out for 6 mo and would like to move out now. DH slept on it then said if you really want to go - i wont stop you. She said "I'm out of here". Blew through all the savings 3800k for a car on hotels and eating out for herself and her girlfriend/partner, quit her job- i'll stop here- basically her lifestyle has taken a major nose dive.

We gave it 4 months- we still treated her as part of the family, gave her unconditional love, took her out for HS graduation dinner, gave her a gift. Took her out for her 18th bday, gave her more gifts.

We then contacted her and said we'd like to all 3 of us get together in a neutral spot to just air what happened that night as we all have a part in it, and figure out how we can get back to normal so we can have you and gf over for holidays, bday's etc. She at first said GREAT! Then the next day texted DH and said- why? why do you want to bring that night up. DH said just to air - you have feelings, ma has feelings, i have feelings. Air and move on. She said "I have moved on with my life and if you think I'm going to feel bad about that night, forget it." I'm moving on. We said to her "we love you, we'll never turn our backs on you, but getting together just so you can get presents is not a family and does not work for us, let us know when your ready."

I personally HAVE HAD IT with this kid! I've done 100x more for her than bio mom has ever dreamed of. Bio even said she didnt ever want any kids. She said the other 3 she had she was high on drugs when she got preggo. (they are also with their bio dad). I have protected SD, I have advocated, I've been there for every milestone, planned every party, wrapped every gift, have a special journal filled with nothing but postitive good things about SD and her life since she was 4 up until last month. Im done. I have a chronic illness and its time to detach and let her fly.

if ANYONE has been able to read this all and not poke their eyes out, thank you. Blum 3 LOL


not2sureimsaneanymore's picture


Well, you have the patience of a saint, I'd have been long gone if I was put through what you were put through. Please understand sometimes no matter how much love you give to someone, it won't fix them or heal that hole in their heart if they don't want it to be healed. Sometimes loving them is letting them go, and I think your SD's future is going to be a hard one because she is so wrapped up in her own misery that she can't control her actions, and subsequently will hurt the people around her to feel "connected" at least in some way.

It's toxicity to the max.

I really have not known anyone who, once they developed the habit of blaming the world around them, and exacting revenge and hurting others, to break out of that cycle. Essentially, I don't know if it's possible.

Either way, love her at a distance. that's all anyone can do. Don't allow her to take advantage of you and your husband, and who knows, maybe she'll be able to come around when she grows up a little bit more.

ltman's picture

I bet your SD is being manipulated by her lover. That combined with rejection by bm and many gay teens are really pissed when the first come out.

Does she have a right to take it out on you? No. Try again to talk to her.

oldone's picture

She's an adult. A very damaged toxic person but an adult.

My advice is always to remove toxic people from your life. In a few years she may get enough help and maturity to turn her life around but in the meantime do not initiate or accept any contact with her.

This is not about how much help you gave her. It is about the choices she is making right now. No need to justify anything. It is what it is. She's a mixed up youth (but of age) who is very toxic to your life.

My DH has to remove SS28 from his life a few years ago (before we met) because of his alcoholic rages. We have let him be homeless and jobless. Right now he has a job and seems fairly normal yet he still drinks to excess. We had dinner with him a week ago and it was a pleasant night.

Hopefully she will clean up her act eventually. But it is totally on her not you or your DH.

Her sexual preference is a non issue but her choice of a partner may be an issue. SS's girlfriend 3 years ago was a POS pillpopping lowclass tramp. He is now seeing a few decent woman with an education and job. One brought him down the current one brings him up.

hismineandours's picture

It does sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. What you and your dh said to her about-wanting to air feelings and discuss a negative event that occurred-rather than just opening presents-sounds like the stuff my dreams are made up. I have no relationship with my ss15-whom I raised from 2-10 as my own-dh has very minimal one-but he would be the one who would say-let me buy you these gifts and that will make everything ok. So kudos to you for actually trying to address and resolve problems.

However, it does not sound as if she is at the same spot. I would simply maintain my distance. at some point, in the future she may get her head back on straight and if so you can renew a relationship with her-but for now I'd keep my distance.

Jsmom's picture

You have restraint, that I never would have had....SD accused me of abuse, but only to friends and family...She is toxic and out of my life...Good job getting her out of yours.

Towanda's picture

Sandqueen, you are to be commended for all you have done. Keep your distance as you are doing now. Sorry you have had to live this hell!

sandqueen's picture

I am sitting here wanting to cry, just cry, You all see what I see. I'm not perfect but I'm also not afraid to say when I screw up and atone for it and fully make up for it however that may be. You all are seeing what my DH does NOT see. thank you, each and every one of you. You validate me the same way the pre-school did when DH thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with her that it was all my parenting. The pre-school told him she was a "difficult" child. Thank you.

sandye21's picture

Sandqueen, I had a very similar experience with an two older adopted children. I know it makes you angry but it tears your heart out at the same time. My adopted Daughters acused me of abusing them too. It was an absolute nightmare for 11 1/2 years. I had to ask the child protective people to check out the youngest physically - never heard from them again. The older one acused me of kicking her to create a bruise. Luckily someone saw it happen. I was lucky. People have been jailed for false abuse acusations. I finally chose to completely break any contact with them for fear of my life and sanity. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You have to realize it wasn't you. I agree with oldone - do not initiate any contact with her, and if you have to be around her at all make sure you have witnesses. I would also inform your DH to make sure he has witnesses when he visits with her.

Blue Green's picture

I agree. She's 18 now, and your true *obligations* have been completely fulfilled. Whether or not you have a relationship with someone now is a choice, based on things like whether you feel safe in the relationship. I can't imagine anyone would feel safe in a relationship with someone who has no compunctions about lying to the police about them. I don't think I'd ever feel safe with them again!

Looks like there were a lot of wise decisions in response to what took place, both by the police and you. I don't see any mention of your SD expressing remorse, feeling sorry, or apologizing to you, though. :?