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is ss25 depressed, or just lazy? please help!!

poisonapple's picture

SS25 lives with DH and I. He is a smart, funny person. He has a bachelor's degree and isn't too bad with money - very rarely does he ask for any. But he seems to have very few friends and he NEVER leaves the house, unless it's to go to his part time job at the local pizza joint, where he works maybe 2 days a week. He lacks motivation. He has no interest in bettering himself. He hasn't even tried to find a full time job or even a second part time job. DH and I both work 2 full time jobs. I can count on one hand the number of dates he's had in the passed couple of years. For a long time I thought it was just a phase that people go through. The more time that goes on, the more I worry that there is something seriously wrong here. Could he be depressed? Or is he just lazy? We let him live rent free, expense free. He doesn't even pay his own car insurance. We did that because we wanted him to be able to save money and start out on the right foot. I never thought he would take advantage of us, but it certainly is beginning to seem like that's what he's doing. I'm worried that if he is depressed, it's all my fault. I am only 4 years older than him, and maybe my being married to his dad is causing him to resent me. His parents only divorced a couple of years ago, and he now has no relationship with his BM because she is, for lack of a better term, NUTS. I am getting so frustrated with the situation because all he does is sit around MY house all day doing nothing, while DH and I both work our asses off. He eats our food, purchases pay per view programs on our account, and does absolutely nothing to chip in at all. Won't even get off the couch to let the dog out when she wants to go, but just yells at her for whining and barking. I want to talk to DH and maybe set some rules or something, but I don't even know where to start. I don't have kids of my own, so I don't know how to deal with this. Does this seem like laziness, or something more serious?

poisonapple's picture

Wow. Good for you! If only SS25 had your ambition, we wouldn't be in this situation. I think you are right. I need to talk to DH and do something to get SS25 off his ass. Cleaning and cooking is a great idea, but what should I do if he doesn't stick with it? The only reason I ask is because when he first lost his full time job, his "job" around the house was to cook dinner. He did it for about a month, and hasn't done it since then.

winehead's picture

So does SS intend to live in your house and do nothing his whole life? Could be he is depressed (but that wouldn't be your fault). My own daughter spent too much time just "hanging out" doing nothing (it was after a bad breakup with a terrible boyfriend, so I cut her some slack for awhile, probably too long). She knew she was wasting her life, and she agreed to counseling. She's now back in school full time and working part time and not living in my house. Whoo hoo.

My SS had a similar problem. Turns out he was using drugs. He's in rehab now and well see what's next. And these are two basically good kids who got going the wrong direction.

Your SS is going the wrong direction, too. At minimum, he needs rule, expectations, and consequences. If 3 adults live in your house, 3 adults assume household responsibilities including financial. You HAVE to follow through with the consequences or you've got this kid forever. He has no incentive to be a functioning, contributing adult if you don't give him a serious wake up call.