SS19 causing huge rift
Husband and I have been married for 12 years. I brought 2 girls to the marriage, and he brought 2 boys. The boys have always lived with their mom and stepdad and we have, like clockwork, had them every-other-weekend and holidays; likewise, we have always had the girls. At this point, they are dd17, dd15, ss19, ss15.
SS19 had a hard time in high school. He had to work hard for passing grades, but overall, was a great kid. Well liked, worked hard, etc. My husband and I thought that, since he really didn't know what path he wanted to take, that community college would be his best bet; however, he wanted to go away to college. So, he did--4 hours away. Watching him on Snapchat, I'd see him doing nothing but playing his guitar/recording stuff (he JUST started playing 2 years ago). When he'd come home (infrequently) we'd ask how he was doing in school. Answer was always the same: alright. We'd (me and husband) always remind him, "College is for studying and working hard--it goes by fast--remember why you're there. Work hard, get passing grades, and graduate." Found out that he was smoking weed. TONS of weed. Then, in April of this year, we found out that he was failing 3 of his classes. When his mother found out this was happening (that he was failing, drinking, and she guessed that he was doing drugs), they ended up in a big argument, and his mom took away his vehicle (which she and his stepdad pay for). SS19 called his friend to come and get him. Because he no longer had a vehicle, and was angry with his mother--my husband picked him up and drove him 4 hrs to campus. At the end of May, my husband drove back to the campus, picked him up, and brought him to our house. Turns out he failed 2 classes (including a lab), and got 1 C, and a D.
SS19 is now living with us (me, husband, two dd's 15 and 17). Husband and I spoke about this, saying this was going to change the family dynamic, affect the girls/us, but we would work at it. Ultimatum to SS19 was 1) either go back to school in the Fall, or 2) Decide you're not going back to school; therefore, deciding you're going to be an adult, and move out in September. Everyone agreed.
We are 1 month in. From the outside, everything looks good: SS19 got a job waiting tables (but he doesn't have a car, so either he's riding his skateboard or i'm taking him), the rest looks like life as usual in the house. In reality, everything has changed: My husband is drinking copious amounts of alcohol (2 boxes of wine in 6 days--what is that? 4+ bottles in each box? Plus beer+ on weekend); I'm no longer sleeping in the same bed with him because when he drinks heavily, he flails around in his sleep and snores HORRIBLY; the girls are so unhappy--younger one told me that this no longer feels like this is her house and that everything is different, older one said she's uncomfortable because there's another man here all the time and this is her last summer home--she leaves for college on Aug 17; the grocery bill is out of control. I'm a strong budgeter and we're blowing through an additional $100+ dollars a week. SS19 is lazy--if he's not at work, he's in his room playing video games.
I feel like my husband is trying to make up "lost time" with him, since he didn't live with us growing up--does that make sense? So now, in evenings when we would all usually sit down together and watch a tv show/movie after dinner, the 'boys' will watch some random sportsball/nascar/fishing show (which my husband has NEVER done), and the girls will just retire to their rooms. OH..and..I work from home. Although I clearly stated that i CANNOT TAKE HIM TO/FROM WORK, my husband is now asking, "So...he works at 11 today...can you drop him off?" UGH. (Meanwhile, both girls are working full-time jobs this summer.) And, to top this all off, my husband was laid off in February, started a new position in May, and took a $3k PER MONTH pay cut. So, to say we've had an abundance of changes recently is an understatement.
I really have no idea what to do. AND...I have a sinking feeling that once August rolls around, and I remind my husband that the deal was to support ss19 only through the summer, that it's going to be a "well, he's not ready to move back home/to his own place, etc."
I really am at a loss of what to do. What CAN i do?? My anxiety is through the roof, as is the girls'. My relationship with dh is falling apart, the girls' relationship with him is falling apart...
If SS doesn't stand by his
If SS doesn't stand by his word can he go back to living with his mother? Also when are you going to address to your H the issue of his constant drinking? This is a problem and he may be doing it because its his way of numbing through the stress of having his living in the home. If he can skateboard or bike ride to work you shouldn't be obligated to drive him. He's a grown with options, he can commute to and from work just fine.
He got himself into the mess
He got himself into the mess with school and his mom, he needs to deal with it... and NOT by mooching off of you and your husband and disrupting your household.
There is a bit of work needed
There is a bit of work needed on all sides. I will start with your daughters so that we get that out of the way.. though this is not the "worst" of it... it needs to be addressed with them.
Your daughters are being brats about this change. Your DH is a "man in the house".. what's the difference? There have been some dynamic changes in the home.. but the girls complaining that it's "different".. because they have to share the space? that is a bit of an entitled position they are taking.
Now your DH:
The drinking.. he has to stop. You need to address this directly. His lost job.. could they be related either causal to losing the job.. or as a result of the loss it'self. I don't know that you can lay this on his son's feet when there are some other significant changes that might have caused it. Also.. is he really drinking it all? or is someone else in the house (your girls.. his son) getting into it too somewhat?
The job loss and reduction in income.. that of course is going to pinch.. and on top of it, you have extra cost due to an added person. Believe me.. 100/week is not out of line for a guy his age to need. Shoot, I sometimes approach THAT on my own grocery bill for one person. But.. does this mean that perhaps there should be an expectation that his son pay should pay some amount of rent to offset some cost? Will that mean that your 17 year old will also need to do that once she turns 18? Or.. is there some amount of leeway on time you and your DH can agree on for both of them.
Perhaps on the deadline for move out.. you could agree with your DH to collect "rent" and put it away for his son.. in the event he doesn't go back to school?
Definitely up the requirements for working on the kid in the mean time.. he needs to be saving more
Here's the thing
@SanFranciscobaby-- he's NOT going back to school in the Fall. He's lazy. Was toying around with the idea of going to a trade school, but hasn't done a THING about it. Another thing that I should probably mention: I bring home 10x a month than my husband does. SO..with his massive paycut, I was picking up ALL THE EXTRA EXPENSES THAT SS19 IS CAUSING. Husband and I have always keep finances separate bc of him paying child support, my receiving child support, etc. So, how we've always done it, is that he gets paid, then he transfers an agreed-upon amount into the main checking account, from which I pay bills. He keeps $250 out of each paycheck of his for 'spending' money. With his paycut, i'm using my entire paycheck, plus the child support I get for the girls to cover all expenses. This past paycheck, I had $84 left over for 2 weeks. I told husband that he would have to pay for any extras outside of our budget for SS19. So far, he's had to go grocery shopping for him, pick up prescriptions for him, buy him work clothes... Honestly, money aside, the hardest part is the intrusion. I love the kid--please don't misconstrue my complaints for unloving him--but he's not a 10-year old that needs a home. He's a grown man that flunked out of college because he jacked up. I'm not in the business of raising an adult.
@Siemprematahari--Technically, his mom didn't even kick him out. SS19 was pissed at her because SHE was pissed at him for jacking up at school (that she and her husband took out a loan for). SS19 is stubborn because he feels like BM is too hard on him. Um...well???? And yes, I know I need to talk to my husband...I just know it's going to cause a shitstorm. :(
(I feel like joining this forum was one of the best things I've done lately--I have no one to vent to that 'gets' it.)
Chtown~ if SS works why is he
Chtown~ if SS works why is he not at least contributing to groceries/food? Is your H still paying CS? You are holding majority of the finances down so have a conversation with your H about SS budgeting his money because this is an extra mouth to feed that you both didn't expect. I know you don't want to start a sh!tstorm but you also can't ignore the issues going on. You're not trying to create more problems but simply trying to find a remedy to ease this for everyone involved. I wish you well I know this is tough.
Insist on the agreement
Insist on the agreement everyone made before he moved in.
And your husband’s drinking is a separate issue that you need to address. He must have been drinking considerably before to tolerate 2 bottles plus of wine a night, maybe he’s just doing it more openly right now.
Time to have a Come To Jesus Meeting with him. This is serious stuff.
More thorough...
@Esmod -- I wouldn't say my dd's are being brats. I understand that you don't know them, so it's easy to use that term to convey what i've written. Having their stepbrother in the house for this long of a period feels to them like having an extended visitor. Like, when someone stays with you for a long period of time, and you have to change the way you do everything because you have a visitor in your home--that's how they feel. I've spoken with them, and I understand, because I, too, feel the same way. You lose the sense of freedom that you had in your own home. I agree--not our biggest problem, but I truly understand them. They love him, too, but suddenly having a boy in your space is intrusive for teen girls who have grown up with only weekend visits from brothers.
The difference between Dh and SS19 regarding being a "man in the house," is that Dh is their dad. He has changed their diapers. He sees them in a bra and panties, or running from their bathroom to their room wrapped in a towel, and it's a sigh and a "girls, please put clothes on." With SS19, it's totally, 100% NOT that. Now it's "your pajama shorts are too short, please go put on something longer," "I know you're in your jammies, but if you come downstairs to where your brother is hanging ou, please put on a bra..." Again, it's like having a visitor in your house all.the.time. Uncomfortable for them, uncomfortable for me. But I suppose the level of 'comfort' would highly depend on how your particular (generally speaking) family is. :)
The drinking: It started the day after SS19 moved in. I mean, my husband was a weekend drinker before; now he's an EVERY NIGHT drinker. I can promise you the girls aren't drinking it. I know that sounds pompous to say, but they're not your typical teenagers (I know, I know...). 15 year old is a competitive gymnast--at the gym training 26 hours a week, then coaching gymnastics on top of that. Studying some nights to get ahead of school for her sophomore year. 17-year old dd skipped a grade, is headed to college in August. Is working fulltime at a theatre for children, and already has a full time job at a conservation fund in Namibia for when she graduates college in 3 years (she's going in as a 2nd year). They're aliens, I swear. SS19 is not drinking it--he doesn't like wine! haha! I THINK, if i could assume (which I know I should not do), that husband is drinking bc he knows this is tumultuous for all of us. I know I need to talk to him. I know he's going to be angry with me.
YES, to this. YES. I'm always nervous to bring up anything about our SS(s) with my husband. :(
A lot going on
1. Your oldest is going to college, she wil have to learn to cover herself up, and so will younger one. Have you guys hisotrically split grocery bills 50/50 even though your kids were there more?
2. His drinking IS a problem. But aproach genttly.
STaround
Groceries--We've never split. The grocery budget would TECHNICALLY be covered by me. For reference, dh is covering appx $1800 of expenses per month; i'm covering $9k plus.
That alone would piss me off
Not certain how you deal. You need a serous talk with DH. Was he covering a fair share before he lost his job
He was covering about $3100 a
He was covering about $3100 a month of expenses before the replacement job. Now it's down to $1850 a month. I've always made more money; the main issue is, with this massive paycut, and another person in the house, EVERYTHING is going up--groceries, water, electric...DH is purchasing SS19's groceries now. The first time I went grocery shopping after he moved in, I spent an additional $100 over our budget. I purchased all the normal stuff I get to last us 2 weeks, then spent that add'l $100 on EXTRA stuff--more bread, lunchmeat, chips, etc. It was all gone in 4 days. Not only was all the extra stuff gone, but all of the normal snacks I purchase for a 2-week stint were gone. At that point, I told DH that he would have to supply SS19 with his own groceries, because he was eating us out of house and home!
Look.. I do "get" that for
Look.. I do "get" that for your DD's this is a change. I absolutely understand how it can be difficult to have a person staying with you that wasn't a "regular resident". My EXDH moved his older felon brother in after he got out of prison.. so I WELL understand having a male that you may not be as comfortable with being in the home..lol.
But, your SS is there because his dad feels this is the "best" place for him. The home also belongs to your DH.. so having one of his kids in a short term full time capacity? It will be some adjustments.. but I think your daughters need to understand that sometimes we need to deal with adversity in our lives.. this may be one of those times. As long as SS19 isn't doing something intentionally to stir things up.. they should try to soldier through this.
A bigger problem (biggest problem?) is really the fact that you are reluctant to address your concerns with your DH.
1. You are concerned with your DH's drinking (not SS19's fault).
2. You are concerned with your DH changing things in the home that aren't mindful of the other residents.
3. You are taking on financial burdens of your DH and his son. (not your SS's fault, it's just that these burdens are bigger with his added cost).
4. You are worried about your DH's ability to enforce your mutual agreement. (again this is DH issue.. it's not unusual for a kid to get away with what they can.. not plan well.. etc).
As uncomfortable as it is.. you need to address things with your DH.
Can he throttle back his drinking because it is impacting you?
Is he planning on figuring out how to pay his share of the bills? what is the plan to repay you.. is that needed by you?
What is he doing to help his son progress. "hoping for the best" is NOT a good option with a kid who has already proven he has a hard time being a self starter (not unusual for his age.. so he may need to be led by the hand).
His son could be working more hours. He should be talking about what his son is going to do..how can he help him research trade schools etc.. lay out how he can save money to live on his own.. all things the kid is unlikely to figure out on his own.
Yes, yes, yes, to all of
Yes, yes, yes, to all of those things you mentioned!! I AM reluctant to have these conversations becasue it causes huge problems. The last part--Dh should be talking about what SS19 is going to do, etc. THIS is what is NOT happening. Dh gets home from the office at 5pm. Then they either play guitar or watch tv, go fishing, band practice, etc. I see NO CONVERSATIONS HAPPENING (I think that's part of why this is so maddening to me). I asked Dh last week, "So, what's SS19's plan?" He snapped, "I don't know." Okay, BUT SHOULDN'T HE KNOW???
Thank you, all
Thank you all so very much for your support, ideas, etc. It really has helped just to know that i'm not out-of-bounds with this. I know that I need to adjust, too.
To whomever asked--yes, my husband, for the past year or so, has shown signs of heavier drinking--mostly on the weekends. It would be easy to classify him as a 'weekend binge drinker.' Now, he's drinking every night, at least 6 glasses of wine. At LEAST. I grew up with an alcoholic father--i know an alcoholic when I see one. I tried to talk to him about it last weekend, and he cut me off by saying "everyone has their vice," and "you have your own problems--you're not perfect." So, this WILL not be pretty when I bring it up again.
He is a good man (isn't that how all dramatic stories begin?), but he is an unmedicated bipolar/narcissist. He has seen psycs, he has been diagnosed (many years ago), and he refuses to stay on meds because he thinks he's 'fine'. It's an uphill battle of walking on eggshells, and going between fabulous weeks of conversation and understanding, then (for instance) having a conversation about finances and him contributing more to groceries then my seeing a post on his FB that says, "Fuck everything. I literally have ZERO fucks to give." The bipolar does NOT help with the SS19 situation, as dh is intolerant to change. He wants to do what's best, but I can see this is stressing him out, too.
Apologies--new here, and slamming you all with deep family drama!
I can understand your
I can understand your daughters feeling away with SS19 there, especially if it's someone that they are not use to having in the home. You get use to certain dynamics and now having to transition to him living there really changes things. I'm also sure they feel the different energy in the home and sense you and your H trying to come up with a solution where everyone is comfortable. It's not easy I know but you can't do this alone and desperately need your H's support in order to make this go as smoothly as possible.
Terrible
I really feel for you. You are being placed between a rock and a hard place by EVERYONE else. And it is nothing you created or should be responsible for. It's going to be hard to do but it looks like everyone in your family needs some 'tough love'.
It is understandable that your DDS and you would feel uncomfortable because your every-day lives have been impacted. But SS is not a 'visitor', he is family, and I'm sure he and your DH are picking up on this. Your DD's are not that far from being adults themselves - they should learn how to deal with unforeseen situations that they will be faced with for the rest of their lives.
That said, if SS is employed and does not seem to have much of a desire to go to college, he should be contributing to his added expenses. If he is to be moving out in September he should be looking for places to live or negotiating with BM to return to her home. He is a grown man - it is his responsibility to find a place to live - not yours. He can buy a bicycle for commuting to work.
Your DH, who is pulling in a lot less income is probably dealing with feelings of inadequacy and guilty Dad syndrome. If he caves in and doesn't stand by the agreement or continues to drink heavily knowing it has a detrimental effect on your marriage, you can offer the option of him finding a place where both of them can live.
No one should be expected to take all off this on their shoulders - especially if it isn't your doing in the first place. One of my favorite sayings is 'A little masochism never hurt anybody' but a good friend told me it really does. You have to make yourself top priority right now because it looks like no one else is. Take care of you first.
Thank you for this honest
Thank you for this honest reply. I know the girls need to 'get over it' (that sounds harsh, but no other way to say it); i understand that we ALL need to be adaptable to certain situations. <3 The girls and SS get along VERY well. They truly do love him. I also understand where they're coming from.
I truly and honestly believe that come September, he needs to return home to his BM's and to his younger brother and sister. He will have his car reinstated, and will be expected to contribute to his car insurance and work. I don't think ANY of that is too much to ask. My DH is babying him; as I said, I feel like he's trying to make up for lost time, since the boys have never lived with us.
SS19 actually has an additional option: He can move in with his grandmother and grandfather. They live on a farm not far from his BM's. Gmother would be happy to have him there, and happy to drive him to/from work. Plus, she pays him for doing things around the farm.
Dh has dealt with feelings of inadequacy for years--in fact, before we got married, we had a HUGE discussion on how yes, I make more money, and I most likely always will. Regardless, that fact still remains a sore point for him. He's also told me that he feels jealous because the girls are so well-behaved/mannered, excel at school and outside of school, and are simply 'good' kids--and SS19 is not on that same path.
I, too, agree with your friend regarding the masochism comment.
I want to give you some
I want to give you some encouragement.
My own DD was a disaster into her mid 20s. She always worked but flunked out of college, hung with the wrong crowd, lost her drivers license, lived like a slob.
When she was finally ready to face the disaster that was her life, her Dad and I agreed on counseling for and with her. She enrolled in community college. Then university. She’s now in grad school working on a PhD and holding down two jobs.
I held her accountable every step of the way through her, well, recovery. Provided some (but not all) financial support. She experienced food banks and social services. And hunger.
When she finally launched she soared.
I wish the same for your SS. Worst thing your DH can do is let him become comfortable with being lazy.
Thank you for that, Merry.
Thank you for that, Merry. Much appreciated. I really hope SS19 (and dh) get their crap together.
I agree you should of never let SS in your home
He did not grow up with your DD s now a 19 yo grown man , not a child moved into your home. SS has to make plans to exit the home, by going to sleep away college, or get a job and move out. He too old for this nonsense
I am reading every single one
I am reading every single one of these replies, and truly listening to what you're all saying. Thank you!! I cannot express how just getting this off my chest and reading your replies has given me more clarity with the situation. There WILL be a discussion with DH. I thank all of you for "rerouting" me--you're right--this IS a drinking-and-parenting issue that stems from DH. I'll keep you all updated. And please, please, continue hitting me with knowledge, ideas, etc.