SS seems to be delusional
SS seems to be delusional. SS, 34, PHD, married 6 years ago and for the last 5 years has been behaving like the world is against him. Picks on every little detail. Picks his wife apart. Yells at his wife in front of their babies. DH gave SS $130,000.00 worth of rental property in July, yet SS insists that he bought it. He has begun assassinating DH's character and claiming I'm unfit to care for his 3yr old and 6mo old daughters because I didn't have bio children. He tells stories about his childhood that DH says are lies.
Thanksgiving was the breaking point when SS's pit bull tried to eat our 15lb. dog and SS blamed it on us. SS says we shouldn't have been in close quarters... We were standing, our dog walked up, the pit sauntered up and attacked, unprovoked. Our pup and the pit used to be best friends. We believe the pit is getting unstable in her old age, and what if she bites a baby?
The 3yr old was about 1yr old when she was sitting in her high chair between DIL and me, when she choked on carrots DIL put on her plate... after 2 years, the story they tell is that they told me not to feed her carrots but I decided to anyway. They've dropped the pertinent facts and say it was my poor decision making that almost killed her. They also have a pool with no fence around it, and SS drinks and drives with babies on board.
They won't let us see the babies now, and we are heartbroken. 2 years from retirement and losing what DH has worked so hard for, his family and especially the grandkids. They're literally tearing our hearts out.
I believe when you're an adult, you decide, am I going to be unhappy and blame external situations and others, or am I going to take responsibility and accountability for my own happiness. Then you head that way. Common sense. Is SS delusional and needs counseling, or is he just a narcissist?
So, he had zero issues like
So, he had zero issues like this before he married? Or marriage and kids just made it worse? What is his wife like?
Sounds more like personality disorder than actual delusion to me. Usually delusions are bizarre, like thinking the CIA has bugged your house, or you are God or something of the sort.
personality disorder
I have thought for a while that SS has a personality disorder but DH says no. SS does change reality to suit his needs. My SM always did that and still does. My SM did it again the other night and I thought wow, she still does it! I was paying her full rent when I was 27yrs old, for 6 months before I decided to move in with her and her roommate, since I was paying for it, but she told my brother I was living in her house free of rent. My brother scolded me about it and that's when I realized how bad she was. I showed my brother the rent checks and he hasn't spoken to her since. I thought we were way past all that until the other night. Again, I was paying her rent, but she said, I didn't need a job I retired. I guess SM's are a whole other thread! Suffice it to say, this ain't my first rodeo!
SS was/is entitled
Yes SS was entitled and has always had his hand in DH's wallet. Marriage gave him someone to boss around and berate. Children have given him a bigger ego and meaner disposition. Wife said she saw his bad behavior with his ex gf, but thought it was the girl's fault, and it would be different with her. He and his wife are physical therapists, and she says he talks down to her in front of employees and several have left because of it. SDIL said SS does think everyone is talking about him at work, and they probably are. She's passive aggressive. We are all feeling set up for failure by her.
Wait a sec...
SS rewrites history. He does character assassination to DH who have him property worth 130k. He blames you for feeding his kid carrots and he almost choked so its all your fault. His dog attacks your dog, and its all your fault.
SS berates SDIL.
SS is mean to SDIL to the point of employees leaving.
SDIL is passive agressive.
We are all feeling set up for failure by her.
Im so confused. Im sure there is much more to this story, but this smells a little bit like victim-shaming to me. Maybe my sniffer is missing something?
I get that its the holidays and emotions run high and then youve got SS who is an emotional terrorist. Withholding grands is emotional terrorism. He sounds horrid. Is there any way to make peace without giving everything up? I would also look into nanny cams and document stuff. And get power of attorney and wills solid because this one is crazy.
Your SS has shown how
Your SS has shown how ungrateful he his with the rental property gift. I would suspect he is not appreciative of anything you and your dh do for him and his family and if anything goes wrong you will certainly be blamed, such as with the grandbaby choking on carrots and the pit bull attacking your little dog. Why have that toxic behavior around? Disengage! It will only get worse with time.
Bad behavior unchecked GROWS! SS has been allowed to claim he purchased the rental property himself. He wants all the glory and refuses to be thankful to the person(s) who not only worked hard to obtain the property in the first place but then so generously sacrificed and GAVE it to him. Stop giving!
You both are heartbroken over not being allowed to see your grandbabies. So sorry you are going through this. Your ss will twist ANYTHING that happens with the grandbabies and blame you for every little bump and bruise and then punish you by not allowing you to see them. My experience has been that the grandbabies are either withheld as punishment or control. Either way, it sucks.
As far as the dog goes, how can he blame your little dog. You were in YOUR home and your ss's dog was a guest. The territory his dog was on belongs to YOUR dog. Just think how you would feel if the pit killed your little dog AND then on top of loosing your little dog, ss blames you! SS needs to be flat out told "YOUR DOG IS NOT ALLOWED IN OUR HOME, EVER!!!"
I have dealt with ungrateful skids for years. No matter what we provided, it was not appreciated. Homes, car's, etc. NOTHING was appreciated. My sd & her dh also brought their two dogs over and one got into a fight with my dog and then when I complained about it my dh said "well we don't know who started the fight". I didn't want them to bring their dogs over in the first place. The skids LOOK for any reason to throw us under the bus just as your ss has thrown you under the bus.
I have personally gotten to the point that I don't want a relationship with anyone that does not want one with me. Your ss really has shown that he really isn't interested in having a healthy relationship with you. Your ss should be acknowledging how thankful he is for such a generous gift of the rental property and he should be falling all over himself apolgizing for the dog attack. BUT instead, he shows ungratefulness, places blame on you, and lies about you.
Disengage is my only advise.
Good Luck Sweetie. You have my sympathy!
How to disengage
I definitely want to disengage. My DH had a virus that attacked his brain and he passed out at the wheel and wrecked his car. He got out of the hospital Friday and Sunday his son picked him up for lunch, proceeded to say he doesn't want a stepmom and he doesn't want me around his kids. Fine with me, I don't want a relationship with this prick! But how will my DH have the family he wants if I'm not allowed around the kids? This is tearing us apart. We are setting up counseling. Really, my DH is in denial about his son's mental health. SS hates everyone. Hates his job, hates his clients, hates all day. Lies about every little thing. He thinks he's the smartest person on earth, not just in the room! How do I disengage while helping my DH see his grand kids and be happy?
Mourn The Loss
Find a counselor to help you process this but get yourself out of the line of fire. Your SS is just a toxic mess. Seems like the wife joins in with his lies and torment. You can't fix this. The work has to start with SS. Until that happens, disengage. Let him reach out to you but I'd stop all communication with him.
I'm sorry this means you loose your grands. I know your pain. I doubt I will have bio grandkids. My husband's son humiliated me with a grand baby announcement at my husbands retirement party by completely ignoring me in front of 40 guests. I've yet to meet the child. He's now 3 and they've had another. Because of this, my DH rarely sees his grandkids because he hates traveling alone.
It's a hard journey but my therapist helped me get to a place of acceptance. Best to you.
get yourself out of the line of fire
I appreciate your suggestion. I certainly understand your described situation. My DH wants a whole family unit. He said if his son forces him to divorce me, he'd never speak to his son again; and if his son won't let "us" see the kids without him badmouthing me, he'll never speak to him again, so he loses both ways. I truly feel like I'm the one who has to leave so my DH can see his grands. Then I can't imagine what the rest of my life will be. I'm depressed. I can't get this sick feeling out of my stomach.
First off, just because your
First off, just because your dh wants a family unit doesn't mean he'll get it. Many people live without a "family unit". Time for him to accept that you can't have everything in life. As for the nonsense about divorcing you... Last I heard he is in full possession of his senses and mind - his son CANNOT force him to divorce you. If he does go the divorce route it will be because HE chose to do so.
It's high time he saw a therapist to help him cope with the reality of the situation. You shouldn't have to live with the threat of abandon just because his son is a shite. Make an appointment today and drag him by force if necessary.
OTOH, see a lawyer to find out exactly what your rights are and what your future may be made of. I'd also try to get your dh to see his doctor for a complete check-up because some of the stuff he's spouting sound unhinged.
Bad behavior unchecked GROWS!
"Bad behavior unchecked GROWS! SS has been allowed to claim he purchased the rental property himself. He wants all the glory and refuses to be thankful to the person(s) who not only worked hard to obtain the property in the first place but then so generously sacrificed and GAVE it to him. Stop giving!" You are SO Right! Finally my DH has stopped with the property gifts and large sums of money.
DIL's parents didn't pay for her PHD, so she took out loans and then told us her parents were going to pay and then when she graduated, they backed out... I DON'T THINK SO! I flat out asked her mom a week ago and she said DIL probably wanted SS off her back so she lied about it... DILsaid the same thing about paying for her wedding, which we ended up paying for. Her lies are just as bad and harmful. These two are lying about their support system and playing the victim.
Last night, I read my DH a text SS wrote me, that DH tried to have SS testify against his mom in the divorce. DH nearly had a heart attack. He said if my son is lying about me, I'm done with him. DH knew his son was seeing things from a perspective of entitlement and negitivity, but this was the first knowledge that SS was lying about his integrity and character. DH is in a funk now. I feel bad for telling him, but I wanted him to know how deep this crap goes. Ironically, when they were accusing me of stuff, lying, DH would say let it go, I want to be able to see my grands. But now that they are lying about DH, it's serious. Yes, all you Steps know what I'm talking about!
And for the last 3 years I've been their babysitter, at their beck and call, even when I WORK ALL WEEK and I need a break, they came first.
Sounds like SS and his wife
Sounds like SS and his wife are both pretty narcissistic and entitled, or if SS wasn't like this before, it's his wife driving this new behavior.
Narcissistic
SS is both. I suspect he's told the 3 yr old not to call me grandma anymore because she's asked me 3 times if I'm her friend, and last time she asked me my name. She also asked DH "don't leave me." For 3 years, I've been grandma, babysitter, daycare backup, she's the star in my sky, and now I'm trash. SDIL complains about me to get SS to stop yelling at her. SS thought if he told DH to dump me, he would, and when DH defended me, SS had to raise the bar, and now DH is a monster. This is exhausting and heartbreaking. We can't sleep. We'll see if we actually get to a counselor.
Seems your DH has been in
Seems your DH has been in denial about his son's personality disorder traits.
Shithead SS is the one who should not be able to sleep.
Time for you and DH to shred that POS who claims to be your DH's progeny and make inducing sleepless nights into his world your fondest hobby.
No more tolerance of his crap. Give his bride absolute clarity and start to do the same with his own spawn. GSkids deserve as much protection from toxic idiots as any other kid does. Even if they are cursed to have a toxic idiot as a parent.
Destroy that POS and have fun doing it.
Never underestimate the power
Never underestimate the power of a lying, manipulative DIL. I had what I thought was a pretty good relationship with my own SS but then he got married to SDIL. She showed her true colors with her lying and brought out the liar in him. He started treating me like a stranger, especially after his wife got pregnant. I don't completely blame her, he could've made different decisions. He could've let her know that her lying wouldn't be tolerated, but he didn't. He chose to go along with her lies and tell some lies himself.
In your case, I would cut ties with them for good, even if they try to reach out to you. They'll keep up the behavior of lying and aren't above accusing you of harming their kids, as you have seen already. Don't give them the opportunity to tell even worse lies.
It does not matter WTF is
It does not matter WTF is wrong with this dipshitiot. Time for calls to 911 when he drives drunk, particularly when the GSkids are in the car. Also it is time to confront the PhDipshit and his idiot wife for their lies. Each and every time they perpetrate them. In real time, and publicly.
And for sure the message on the gifted properties needs to be "You didn't buy shit. We gave those properties to you." "No, we never fed the GSkid carrots. Your wife did". "No, we were not negligent regarding your dog attacking ours. your pitbull attacked our puppy. Time for the happy nap for the vicious dog". If you didn't call animal control, you should.
That is a particular issue for me. My parents 11yo Bichon was attacked by a Pit. The pit basically ate his head. Luckily it did not crush the Bichon's scull though it did cost the little guy an eye. The Pit was being walked by a 9yo little girl and when the Pit saw the Bichon on the tailgate of my dads truck the Pit jumped up, grabbed him by the head, and shook him like a toy. If I had been my dad I would have split the Pits spine in half with the shovel that was in my dad's hands. Instead dad stepped in, grabbed the Pit by the collar and pried the Bishon's head out.
Animal control was called, they did not confiscate and destroy the Pit but did advise the little girl's parents to not allow their young kids on the floor with the dog, not to allow anyone but fully grown adults to walk the dog outside, and advised that they should write my parents a check for the full amount of the bills my dad had presented to the idiot dog owner.Dad got the check.
A few months later the Pit was put down after it killed another neighbor's small dog. While being walked by the same little girl.... alone. The neighborhood scuttlebut is that the little girl is now on meds over the trauma of losing her "puppy". Someone should beat her idiot father.
Idiots cannot and should not be tolerated. Regardless of who they are and what is wrong with them.
IMHO of course.
PhDipshit !!!
LOL...That's a good one, Rags! I've known a few of those in my time.
Frankly, I think you'll see
Frankly, I think you'll see the gs when their parents run out of babysitters or when they realize how expensive it is. Make them grovel and don't let them into your home ever again.
In the end, it really doesn't
In the end, it really doesn't matter what he is...because whether it is a personality disorder, a mental health situation..addiction or just he is a jerk.. there is nothing that you or your DH can do to fix the issue. What you CAN do is decide on what your own boundaries are. What you are willing and not willing to do to maintain a relationship with him and his family.
I don't disagree with an open door given the desire to have a relationship with the grandkids. So, cards at birthdays and holidays are appropriate.. perhaps even a modest "gift for the family" like cookie assortment if you all are so inclined. You could also just send things for the grandkids too..
You can't control how they will respond, but you can be open to their communication.
As to the lies and twists of the truth. I guess it depends.. sometimes people say things to save face.. like claiming he bought the properties (btw.. would not be giving him things like that any more!). The carrot incident.. I think I would laughingly say.. Now.. DIL.. you know you put those carrots on the plate.. thank goodness nothing bad happened! For other stretches of the truth.. you may just roll your eyes.. or defend if you need to. It may just end up being something you have to accept if you want to be around his son... of course you can correct (gently).. but in the end, you can't force a change on him or his wife.. and if your DH wants to be part of his grandkids lives? he may have to decide if he can just grin and bear that part of his son's personality.
DH said we need to bite our tongues
DH is doing what a lot of bio dads seem to be doing, which is to decide to walk on eggshells with his son... which we already were, but now we have to take verbal abuse? Not me. I'll make myself sparse. I hope DH is ready to babysit alone because I will not put myself in the line of fire again, nor my heart. DH said if I don't get along, our marriage will be in trouble. Guess I'll prepare for brexit.
You create the envornment
You create the envornment you are in or you allow the environment you are in.
I worked to create a pleasant environment but it's really hard not to make wave's when your skids are purposely rocking the boat!! My skids rocked the boat and then I got blamed for the waves.
After close to 20 years, I finally had enough. I don't want to see, hear, or have anything to do with my skids. I am done with the lies and abuse.
Yes, definitely opt out of
Yes, definitely opt out of this drama. Your DH is willing to eat a shit sandwich to see his grandkids (which will only give SS more power), but you don't have to.
The Delusion Continues
SS is now accusing DH of stealing BioMom's wedding ring, even though they had been divorced for 15 years before she died. SS says I have her diamond and he wants is back. We bought my diamond from a friend who is a gemologist and the setting from a large local jewelry store. We have the receipts, but do we cater to SS and show him? I don't think that would make a difference, he'd say we sold hers to buy mine. SS is trying to turn DH's family against him now. He calls them crying and unfortunately, his family can't exclude SS or anyone else on earth, because they just don't have a mean or judgmental bone in their body. So they listen to the lies, which makes him think they sympathize with him, and DH feels like they have no loyalty or principal to hang up or tell SS to go get counseling.
SS texted me and wanted me to have DH apologize to SS, but I told SS if he believes DH is a liar, theif, abuser, jealous, SS is sorely mistaken and needs counseling. I haven't received a response. I am biting my tongue so hard!
DH is a loyal man with integrity and character and is well respected and loved in his field and with friends, so this is an unexpected testimony to be given about his life. He is torn up.
The topper is that SS still wants us/me to take his kids on weekends to give him a break! Even though he said they are unsafe with me??? We actually did keep the kids the day after Christmas and they were both sick, and now I'm sick. I'm still sick! You all probably know that when an adult gets a child's cold, it's much worse for the adult, especially after 60.
Don't have a mean or judgmental bone in their bodies?
Bullshit. What they don't seem to have between them is a brain. Facts are just facts. Assessing and utilizing them is neither mean, nor judgmental.
You need to consider filing a defamation suit against this POS Skid and when your IL clan whines about it, show them the facts.
Your DH needs to grow a pair and respond to his lying manipulative POS spawn with firm confrontational consequences.
I cannot imagine the hell that would have rained down on me if I had pulled against my father what this POS spawn is pulling with his father. My dad would have disposed of my body after my mother shredded me for disrespecting her husband. SInce she would be deceased in the scenario you are working through, she would have shredded me from beyond the grave.
If your DH will not deal with it. You deal with it as his wife. Both with the SS and with the IL clan.
Disengage. Truly - you need
Disengage. Truly - you need to get out of this. There is nothing that will end well. One of my adult SS's is delusional and has said some extremely strange things and I have realized he does not see reality. Whether he chooses not to see reality or can't because of a mental illness- I will never know and I intend never to find out. His DIL plays into that and fosters a lot of disfunction and separation to reinforce the fake reality and create problems. I've realized I am no longer going to lift a finger to do anything because it will only create more delusions and derangements on their end. I simply do not see them and have cut off contact unless absolutely necessary, but even then its through a written text message. I don't trust they can understand the words coming out of my mouth without twisting it into a weird victim version that will be broadcasted to all. It's wild and it sounds harsh but it takes you out of an abusive situation. You need to heal and you can't heal tethered to that kind of toxicity.
I want to disengage but how much?
Thank you for sharing your story, or at least the synopsis! How much did you disengage without divorcing? Were there grand children you had to babysit? Sunday I was rocking my 3 yr old granddaughter and she was congested and I could feel kind of gurgling in her chest. My husband forbid me to say anything in fear they would take offense. I waited until the next day and I texted DIL and I got zero response. I told on myself and now my husband is angry again. These people are insane! How is voicing concern about a child's health interfering? How is that bad? So I've deleted everyone from my phone. I just don't know if I should divorce and start over at age 61 or stay and be voiceless? I never imagined how bad things can be. DH is having seizures now and can't drive and can't take care of the gkids alone, so what now. DH and SS are in counseling together and DH comes home totally ripped apart. I'm going to see their counselor - not to ask about their sessions, DH already tells me about them, but to talk to someone who now knows both men and help me figure out if I should stay or go. I'm beginning to see the past a little better as counseling sessions increase, and I'm thinking the saying "like father/like son" is sometimes true. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree either! I feel so bad for these two precious babies being in the middle of these abnormal-minded, emotionally immature, yet educated people who are supposed to be their rock. Can you add any insight here?
Step-Libra, taking the steps
Step-Libra, taking the steps to go to counseling for YOU is what I suggest. I am only seeing a small snippet of your life with your DH and it's the problematic side so I don't want to come to a conclusion based on this particular part. However I will say that this dynamic is NOT serving you. Everyone is treating you extremely POORLY. It's serving everyone else to be this way- your SS, DH, DIL everyone is getting something from treating you like trash. You are the only one who is NOT benefiting from this- you babysit, you get abused, you get ignored and you have the sgkids now being told to not even call you grandma. The writing with teh SS is on the wall- they are all creating generational abuse towards you. If I were in your shoes I would get a counselor and REALLY evaulate whether you want any contact with the SS & SDIL, and it might mean no more SGKIDs. For the past year I have removed myself from one of my SS & his DIL and I am much healthier, happier- trust me they blamed everything on me- literally, I couldn't even hold the right expression on my face without have a dinner conversation critiquing it. And when I did over the top amazing things - no gratitude, no thank you only finding something else wrong. I actually kept throwing myself out there with these two bozos to the point where I would show up to these very one-sided events to celebrate whatever they were celebrating only to be met with being ignored, having their backs turned to me, and sometimes reciting weird delusional things that I didn't even know how to respond to because...it was not even based in rational thought. I have a great relationship with DH and a mediocre relationship with the other adult SKID but the portion with delusional SS & SDIL I simply do not partake in. They do not have kids yet but I am coming fully prepared not to play a major role or even have a name for the gskids. I am at peace with it all. I have a ton of beautiful bio nieces whom I focus my love, resources and attention. In fact yesterday, I got a little bit hurt - SS announces promotion to DH and doesnt share with me, DH announces it to me. The truth is I can't have it both ways. Yes I raised the SKID, yes I sacrificed but disengaagement means also the good stuff isn't going to be shared with me. I am sure there will be bigger news soon about a child coming into this world and I am fully prepared to recieve it second hand. I also don't want to be at the mercy of abusive behavior with a child involved so I plan to stay removed unless I see a serious shift which I DOUBT will happen- this behavior has been going on for 3 years since he's been with the DIL. From what I can see in your situation you don't get ANY good news only terrible, unkind and entitled behavior. I would seek counseling ASAP for you to figure out your next steps. I would be specific with the counselor about sorting YOUR future out and focus the therapy on YOU. NOT your DH, NOT your SS, NOT your SGKids...just you. Keep in touch- we have similair parrallels and reach out anytime!