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spoiling an adult child

SugarSpice's picture

this is not just skids but bios.

when you baby an adult child you do him no favours. they need to get out on their own by going to college and getting a job, not just lazing around doing nothing while expecting mummy and daddy to wait on their whims with money and endless toys.

my brother has a case like this. he never married bm due to her being a drug addict. last we heard she was homeless. his son is almost 30 and dropped out of college. nephew has no plans to go back to college but numerous health issues (alcoholic?). he is addicted to online and video games and plays them until the early hours of the morning. he does not get out of bed until 1 in the afternoon. he dreams of being in a rock band. wears his hair spiked up and dyed purple. needless to say he has no intentin of getting a real job due to his "health" issues.

my brother takes his son out to go shopping all the time for musical items guitar, strings, drum set, amplifier, etc. the son has no friends except occasion band sessions. all of the friends in the band have real jobs. when brother is not working (he has a full time job) he is constantly with his son.

i bought the young man a sheet music case. a day later no word of thanks to me from him. not even a short call to say thank you for thinking of my music.

my brother gets defensive if anyone speaks about his son and his being infantilised.

the son is almost 30. its disgusting.

Rags's picture

Your brother needs to be confronted with his spawn's crap constantly. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Excuses are endless, if your nephew put as much effort into supporting himself as he does with his excuses and gaming he would be self supporting.

Your brother needs to never be able to ignore the abject failure of his parenting and no excuses should be tolerated. You and the rest of the family need to never let him delude himself regarding this.

IMHO of course.

notsobad's picture

Who will take over when your brother dies?
Has he thought of that? His son is incapable of working or budgeting so what will happen to him when Daddy is no longer there to take care of him?

Indigo's picture

Was the crazy Russian my BS's SM who sloped to the Ukraine with his twin half-siblings and threatens to kill my ex-DH? Honestly, I did not make that one up.

still learning's picture

"Do you realize you contributed to enabling your nephew by purchasing the case?"

There's a HUGE difference between giving someone a gift and subsidizing their entire life for them.

Indigo's picture

Sugar, I hear you on the whole 'failure to launch' group of kids we've got going on. My kidlet knows that once he's 18, he's paying rent with a job & school.

'Course, I say this now, but it might be like his potty-training which took longer and was more complicated than I expected. When I sold the ranch and moved to town, I remember the realtor walking along and giving me suggestions. She commented on the coyotes that had pooped on the stones leading to the front door. I stopped. My kid had pooped there.

sandye21's picture

Whatever you do, Sugar, do not try to save your nephew from his almost certain fate. My Sister sent my nephew, whom I was told was trying to get his life together, to live with me. He was going to get a job, go to college, help around the house in lieu of rent. He also brought his pit bull along. I was assured he had not been on drugs, had obtained a GED which I later found out to be a lie. After three weeks of sleeping until 2 pm, refusing to take drug tests for jobs, refusing jobs and getting hostile with me, he called his Mother and told her that I was being abusive to him. My mother and sister arrived a few hours later to save him from me, they treated me as if I was s child rapist. My mother had him for a week and told my sister to come and get him. To this day my sister and her family have nothing to do with me. And what happened to the 'golden boy'? He's a drug dealer who lives off of a woman and has fathered several children whom he contributes no support to. Still all my fault - although I really don't care now.

It's really sad when you have to be witness to human disaster, step back and say nothing. But attempting to help in this situation is like standing on the tracks, trying to prevent a train wreck. Don't even give it space in your brain. If your brother gets defensive it's because he is looking for target to blame other than himself.