I think that the biological parent (or relative) is given a free pass becuase that person means a lot to them.  Not just the serial marriages, but all the holidays, all the help, etc.  The new spouse does not come to the table with any of this. 

The 52 YO does have the right to do what he wants, and he apparenlty is.  Your neice (and her DH) have the right to let whomever they want in their house.  It is rude to invite only half of a married couple, but their house, their call.  

You cannot control what your stepkids think, only how your DH allows them to treat you.  

I admit that I was wary when my little brother, at age 21, started dating an older woman with a young child. I felt protective and skeptical but I kept my damn mouth shut! I'm so happy I did because they have been together for 15 years and it has given me my favorite nephew whom I was able to watch grow into a really good man himself. My SIL is one of my closest friends. 

I agree with Gimlet. I wouldn't have been able to keep my opinions about their nasty behavior to myself.

The cards are always stacked against women because of the societal hierarchy.

For example, women will always been seen as gold diggers because everyone knows men earn more than women in the same job. Even if she's dating a guy with a low-paying job, "she must only be in it for the money."

To top it off, if women have a bunch of kids, they MUST be looking for a man to take care of them because they can't handle it. But in the same situation, no one says of the man, "he must be looking for someone to raise his kids." Men aren't on the hook for having to raise their kids -- that job usually falls to the women they left, so again, society judges her for needing a man to raise her kids. And that's interesting because single mothers are also berated for raising their kids without father figures.

Another example...at 39, she MUST be a gold digger for dating a 52-year-old. But what does that make HIM? No one ever questions his motives because, hey, good for him for bedding a 39-year-old!  But that soon becomes "poor guy...he has no idea he's being trapped by a gold digger." No one would ever think of blaming him for letting his hormones do the thinking or being so vain that he really believes a woman 20 years his junior would be interested in him for him.

And of course, we all know men with lots of wives and kids to different women are seen as doing what comes natural to men (spreading their seed), but women who do that are sluts.

The women in these pairings are set up to be bad guys. The men...they get a pass. The reasons for that are steeped in societal norms that stacks the deck against women from the start.

With all that societal imbalance, the woman will always be viewed with suspicion and the man's motives will never be questioned.

I speak up for these women now. I would have flat out told your niece, "He ain't no catch either. If the new girlfriend is only in it for the money, I guess that's a price he's willing to pay to have a woman 13 years his junior on his arm."

If we don't point out the truth even for women we don't know, how will it ever change?

People are so quick to judge and be negative. I understand being protective, to an extent, but if you aren't even giving someone a chance, then you are just being judgemental. There is no reason for not meeting someone and giving them a chance, and then forming opinions after that. The older I get, the more I feel the need to speak up when I see this happening.

My best friend has a 15yr old daughter, who is dating a boy the same age. His home life is not the best. They have too many people living in one dingy apt, there is some drug use by the people living there, their cellphones frequently get shut off because of unpaid bills, and they recently got evicted. The boy she is dating is actually a great kid. Despite his home life, he plays sports, does well in school, is polite and respectful, has a job and pays for things he needs, plus he got his own cellphone plan. He is not a bad influence on my friends daughter whatsoever, and my friend and her husband like him. The problem- they have mentioned wanting to forbid their daughter to date him, because of his home life. They wanted someone with a "better family" for their daughter. This really made me mad- this kid can't help what is going on at home. He's a victim of it, and he is doing everything he can on his own by working, etc. I can relate, because I too had a terrible family life- my mother left, we were very poor, lived in horrible houses, my dad divorced 3 times, and more than once I had boyfriends tell me that my lack of a close family was a "concern" for them, which was like having a knife shoved in my chest. Did they think I didn't wish I had a great family too? Of course I wanted it, but that wasn't what I was given. It's a terrible thing to hear people judging you over things you had no control of.

Anyway, I told my friend that I really hoped her and her husband would not judge this kid by his family- I understood their concern about their daughter being around drugs at his house, etc, but the solution shouldn't be that she can't see the boy because of his family. Maybe she isn't allowed to go there, sure, but you don't get to pick your family and home life, and it's not fair that her boyfriend should suffer for it. I felt like this kid was basically me at his age, and I feel bad for him.

I too would have said something to your neice and her husband. A little less judging, and more giving people chances. Maybe the dad's girfriend had more control over her choices, but it doesn't mean she's a terrible person.

How quick and easy it is to judge others and not look and reflect on yourself. I think its awful how they are judging and shunning this woman. They know nothing about her and haven't even met the lady. At the end of the day I see it like this.....Your nieces husbands brother married this woman. He chose to live with her and her 4 daughters. This is his business and if he's not complaining about it and is happy than to h@ll with what anyone says or thinks.

If they can't add to his life in a positive and happy light than he doesn't need them. Instead of getting to know this woman and possibly uplifting her everyone is casting stones. It's a d@mn shame!

I wish them both a happy & healthy marriage.

Between the new couple they have 6 marriages and 6 children. He's been married 4 times and they think she has too much baggage?!  Oh that's just grand. Maybe it'll work out this time, sounds like they're perfect for eachother.. Perhaps he's tired of the serial monogamy lifestyle and hopefully she doesn't want any more baby daddy's.  Everyone in this situation needs to grown the h#ll up and butt out of this mans business, especially Mr Entitled almost graduated wanting to move back with daddy.  Unfreaking real.  

Did the adult kids grow up with an alienator bio parent? Kind of makes you realize that if they did, they themselves turn around and think it's normal to treat people like this. And the cycle continues. 

Duplicate

When looking at a siblings life, clarity is 20/20. Or at lease most of us tend to think so.   My brother and I sure did  regarding our respective brides.

A little background.  My brother adored my XW... until she showed her true cavern crotched adulterous whore colors.  Then... he detested her and made tormenting her one of his favorite hobbies.

e.g. She called me a few months after our divorce was final to cry on my shoulder regarding a life crisis she was having.  I picked up the phone in my room and my brother picked up the phone in his at the same time. We were room mates when I sold my business and went back to school full time for engineering. He joined me.

Anyway..... she called me to inform me that she was pregnant and wanted my opinion on what she should do.  Since I was her "best friend" and "you know me better than anyone else".  My brother made a noise which she heard and asked if someone else was on the phone.  He said hi, congratulated her on the baby and asked if she had picked a name yet.  He went on to suggest she name the baby "Less" like Less Nessman from the WKRP in Cincinnati TV show.  She asked why Less.  He responded that that would have to be the baby's middle name since his first name would have to be "Father!" and slammed the phone down.

After my divorce he was extremely protective of my when it came to my dating activities.  Interestingly it wasn't the women I dated that had zero long term partner potential that he was wary of. It was the ones I dated that were viable long term partner material that he put under the hairy eyeball.

When we both met and ultimately married our long term brides we both expressed to the other that neither of us had made the choice the other would have made for him.  It was not that neither of us disliked the other's bride, it was that they just were not who or the type of person we would have chosen for the other. We were protective of each other.

My perspective on my SIL at the time. She was an entitled trust fund brat who cheated on my bro while they were dating and the only reason why he married her was that he had knocked her up.  He took her out to dinner one night to break up with her and just before he dropped that bomb she told him she was pregnant.  So they got married instead.

His perspective on my DW at the time.  She was a gold digger single teen mom looking for an MRS degree who hooked a graduating 7 year college senior as a meal ticket.

We agreed to disagree at the time and were each other's best man at the weddings. My DW and I married 9mos after they married and 5mos after my niece was born.

His perspective on my wife 24+ years later.  He is one of her biggest fans and comments regularly about how incredible she is, how accomplished, how professionally successful, how nice and engaging she is  and how she is just an amazing person.  I agree with him.

My perspective on my SIL 24+ years later.  She is an entitled trust fund completely self centered brat and far from worthy of my COO brother.  She is superficial and has no discernable core qualities or core character.  She is an empty shell.  He has 4 children not three.  His eldest is his 49yo wife.  He busts his ass for his family.  She is who she is.  He and I are very close and over the years he has expressed how  unhappy he is in his marriage and on several occasions has been on the verge of divorce due to her immaturity and "just who she is as a person."  He and I agree that she is extremely sweet and a very nice person but that she is not equity life partner material.  She is a loving mom but has saddled all three of their kids with her immaturity and self centered crap.  So much so that her two adult children (24 and 21) have very little interface with her.  They love their mom but she is no where near their intellectual or character equal.  Their youngest is 16 and is two different people. The kid he is when she is present and the young man he is when she isn't.  All of the kids are extremely close with their dad.

So, in hind site... I was right on both brides.  Mine and his.

I hurt for my brother. He should have an equity life partner, soul mate companion on life's adventure.  He doesn't.

I was the one who married the person with a kid. I was the one who married a person who on the surface should have been the gold digger and the empty shell.  I was the one who had been divorced. And while divorced only once, I am the one at that time who was most like your BIL and entering a marriage most like the one your BIL and his intended are entering.  And yet I am the one who is married to an incredible person and who has an incredible marriage and life with my partner.   We both judged the other's selection of bride but we have always been supportive of each other, our marriages and our respective kids.    Your BIL deserves the same from hsi own siblings. I hope that  his new marriage (#5) will be a good one that he can rub the noses of his siblings in to make a point regarding their judgmental unsupportive crap.

Surprisingly few people have the ability to learn from their own mistakes and apply that knowledge to improving their decisioning.  Far fewer have the ability to learn from the mistakes and experiences of others and apply that to their own lives.

The most difficult conversation to have is with the person in the mirror.   Most people do not like having a mirror placed in front of them that calls them on their own behaviors.  Your DH apparently has an aversion to mirrors.