Should he move out?
Not Quite A Step Parent, But I'M Dating A Man With Children...
I met my boyfriend earlier in 2012, he interviewed me for a job I didn't end up getting. I guess he kept my number. lol.
He called me in August for a coffee date.
What i didn't know was this man was only recently separated when he called me... I had no idea.
His ex wife was pissed when she found out. She blames him completely for their pending divorce and has completely alienated his children from him. He has 3 girls; 18 years, 21 years, and 12.
Me personally... I never knew the man while he was married and have no involvement in his children's lives up to this point... but the kids, they blame ME somehow for their parents issues. I don't get it.
To make matters worse, my boyfriend had an accident 16 weeks ago that left him with a severe concussion. He couldn't see strait, was slowed conciderably, couldn't even really walk without tipping over. It was aweful!
He was staying with his parents at the time but they were down in florida. So, me... trying to be helpful... send an email to his ex wife telling her what happened, introducing myself, and hoping she'd reach out to me to see if we can get this guy some help. The only response I got was when my boyfriend told me she ripped him apart for "letting" me contact her then threatened me if i ever contacted one of her children.
All i thought was...."What the hell was i supposed to do with this guy now???" LOL
So for the first week he stayed on my couch. I took him to and from doctors appointments. Made sure he ate and slept well. I learned EVERYTHING i could about concussions.
I told my children "Mommy's friend is sick. His mom and dad are in florida. We need to take care of him. If you guys aren't ok with it though you let me know." My oldest said to me, "Mom, if he needs help, we should help, it's the right thing to do."
Bless my boys because something special happened in the time we had together. We connected in a way that kept us up until 2am talking and laughing. It was crazy.
My children at one point came to me and said, 'Mom, can we keep him' lol
They said we should be dating... and sure enough, i sat them down and said that we kinda already were.
So here we are 16 weeks later, my boyfriend's ex wife hates me and his kids hate me, but my kids are happy and thrilled to have him with us. Even my ex husband and him get along. He's met my family. They totally love him too. I'm head over heels in love with him, it's no question.
Yesterday his heart tests came back clear. His neurological tests came back clear. So bittersweet. I'm happy to hear he's ok.. but that just means he's well enough now to go back to his mom and dad's house.
I really don't want him to leave, but I think if he got his own place now he'd better help his children to adjust with his own separation before persuing a full on relationship with me.
I want his kids to be as happy as mine has been.
Will they ever be?
I mean, if i have him move in permenantly at this point will they always hate me?
Will his ex wife always hate me?
Omg i'm so confused. No idea what to do.
I know one thing is for sure. I love him. I'm just not sure what the next step is.
Perfect advice. Only thing I
Perfect advice.
Only thing I will add is not to "try" to get the girls to like you. Not only will it not work but it could alienate them even further. Not rational but that's how it often ends up.
And if you do not interact with ex or SDs at all, then you shouldn't built up enough resentment to hate them. Indifference is okay.
All I can say is go into the
All I can say is go into the relationship expecting the ex and kids to hate you. So then here is million dollar question. Could you live the rest of your life with that scenario? If you feel that your boyfriend will not stand up for you or himself, I honestly would reconsider the relationship. It has been five years now and if I had known they would be such scumbags, I would have packed it in...life is too short to have people hell bent on the destruction of your marriage in it.
OMG, Echo. SPOT ON. OP, are
OMG, Echo. SPOT ON.
OP, are you REALLY young? Cuz, honestly, I can't imagine any self respecting woman doing what you've done. And you put your kids at risk by inviting this stranger to live with you... that is the worst part of this foolishness.
Agree with above. First, you
Agree with above. First, you really don't know him so why would you want him around your children. Secondly, proceed WITH CAUTION in a relationship with any man who has just recently broken up....until the divorce is final there is always the chance they will get back together.
Now about the adult SK's, you need to let them know that they will have to help out with their Father. You, being a kind person, are doing things now, but in all reality, no matter how well you are hitting it off right now, you really don't know a lot about him. Perhaps he has a sister, brother, mother, etc. around the area that can help him out.
Sorry, call me cautions, but in these days one has to be careful.
Yes, he should move out.
Yes, he should move out. Unless you want to show your sons that their mom is living with and having sex with some guy she hasn't known long and is still married to another woman?
What are you teaching them?
>>>I never knew the man while
>>>I never knew the man while he was married and have no involvement in his children's lives up to this point... but the kids, they blame ME somehow for their parents issues. I don't get it.<<<
THINK ABOUT IT. You don't know if he's really separated or if he just told you that so he could get in your pants and home. Is he REALLY separated or is this just something he told you? This could be why his soon to be ex wife and his daughters hate you.
They believe you are the other woman.
In addition, the whole staying in Florida with his parents yet was well enough to travel to stay with you in apparently another state just doesn't make sense. Why you felt obligated to take this guy in when he was just fine staying with his folks doesn't make sense either.
This "relationship" has gotten off on the wrong foot. The next step is you need to break it off with this guy. I seriously doubt this guy has been truthful with you.
He needs to finish his divorce and get that taken care of before he starts a new relationship.
ADult children are just that,
ADult children are just that, adults. They need to move on and get a life. Any getting involved with a parents life with a second spouse is for selfish reasons. Just because a parent is divorced does not mean they need to live a celibate life. This is especially true if the other ex commited adultery. I say, 'get over it.' Mummy or daddy is remarried. Leaving home is a part of adulthood. Cut the apron strings.
Everyone that is jumping on
Everyone that is jumping on this woman for this man living with his parents in Florida but was able enough to travel and stay with her, I think you misunderstood what she said. She did not say he and his parents live in Florida. She said he was staying at his parents house at the time of his accident but they were down in Florida, as in gone, not at home, out of town, and this man was injured with no one to care for him. I agree with everyone who said that moving him in after knowing him for 2 months was a mistake, since she has children in the home and that she should not have contacted his ex. I don't understand why she did that. What was she hoping to achieve? Did she expect the ex wife to go take care of him in his parents absence, send the kids over? I just really don't see why she would contact the ex wife expecting ANY kind of help.
Yep, she's ignoring the red
Yep, she's ignoring the red flags...as a lot of us did.
A couple of people here
A couple of people here nailed the perfect answer so there is no need for me to get long winded, but just remember "women are crazy"! Not to say that the ex wife wont ever calm down and get over it (I have seen it happen) but more times than not, the ex remains to be a witch! She's bitter and depending on a whole lot of factors, she may be like that for the duration!
So what you need to ask yourself is this: Can YOU handle it? All of it? Spend time here and read peoples posts and get a glimpse into what you are stepping into. Then ask yourself "can I handle it? Is HE worth it all". And remember, your decision will not only affect you, but your two boys. Personally, for me, the hardest part is keeping my SS's destructive and hateful attitude away from affecting my two girls. Your [possible] SD is the same age as my SS... a very tumultuous time in their lives without all the parent issues.
I say, tell him to move out, let him deal with his life, his ex wife, have the talks with his kids as suggested. If you two are meant to be together, you will... just dont throw yourself into it without seeing what you are walking into.
Good Luck!!