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She Feels SOOO Bad.....

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Met H for lunch yesterday and, well, I let him have it when he brought up Twit.  Yes, when he started to talk about her I stopped him and said I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HER.  At that he took my hand and said to please listen for a minute, which I did.  Seems Twit is all upset and feels soooo bad that we are separated.  She thinks that she may have had something to do with it and does not know what.  (Yeah, right).  Here is the kicker......Twit says she will do anything she can to get us back together.  She Really likes me and wants to be friends.  [Translation - she is scared still H is going to be coming back to her and the thought of having to take care of Dear Ole Dad is not something that warms the cockels of her heart).

I know I offended H when I broke out laughing on that line of carp but too bad.

When he finsihed that I said that, okay, I had listened and I want to hear NO MORE FROM HER OR ABOUT HER and if he couldn't abide by that he could leave right now.

Folks, he looks terrible, has lost weight, aged etc.  He honestly looked perplexed when I stated that, like he just didn't understand or was having problems comprehending.  [Note to me.....ask counselor today about possible dementia etc., or is it guilability].

And so it goes.  H asked me out for Saturday and I declined but told him I would have lunch again with him on New Years Eve.

I am afraid this whole thing is going to get a lot more complicated and right now I just don't want to deal with it.

 

hereiam's picture

Well, your husband is the one to blame for this particular situation, the separation. Had he just said good-bye to her when you came home, instead of carrying on a conversation with her right in front of you, this wouldn't have happened. Him consoling her and going along with the crazy, for you to hear, was just unnecessary and disrespectful.

He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and behavior.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Same ole stuff my DH used to do......believe everything precious OSD said. "OSD says she likes you!" "OSD says she wants us to be happy!"

When Twit said to your DH that she thought she might have been the cause, he should have been asking why Twit would have been the cause. Even Twit knows what she was doing. She was simply on a fishing expedition to find out from daddy if she were the reason, because she loves having that kind of power.

These guys always believe their words and ignore their actions.  It's another reason I can't be around my OSD because daddy believes whatever she says and ignores what she does.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

He brought her up the first time and I stopped him cold, but when he took my hand I guess, out of courtesy, I just listened but then told him no more.  Okay, I still love H, but he needs to change in order for us to continue.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Trust me, Twit never really feels bad about anything she does.  It is all calculated and MEANT to hurt.  As I have dealt with her I can see how insecure she really is, but that is because of WHAT she is.  She is no shrinking violet by any means.  Do something she doesn't like and she plots and plans to make you suffer.

CANYOUHELP's picture

"Believes their words, ignores their actions."....perfect definition......no match required by dadeeeee.  I agree with the posters above, she is excited to have the power back and to have achieved her goal.  She wants to make certain daddeeee acknowledges how powerful she is, yet again.  These situations are so sickening.  

Congrats to you for saying ..."no more of this, I am done."  Regardless of her hidden agenda, you are on the healing path.  The wounds are real but in time you will gain your full strength and the real possibility of change (one way or another), is possible for you  sometime in 2019...Your happiness is much more important than any of this....

sandye21's picture

SDM,  When you said, "I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HER", that should have been the end of the conversation.  I am hoping that the next time he takes your hand and says, "Please listen for a minute", you will just say, "No."  As Lamby wrote, "Even Twit knows what she was doing."  You are doing great in standing your ground, but it's time to put a full time stop to any influence or interference she has in your life. 

I agree - ask the counselor about possible dementia.  If that's ruled out, it would make you question why he continues to bring Twit up knowing your feelings about her.  My DH finally 'got it' when I told him it was non-negotiable.  Even though there have been a few slips in the last 8 years he knows better than to bring SD up.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandy you are right on there.  He should have stopped when I said that.  It was just like he did when I came home from consoling that day and he was on the phone with Twit and kept on talking to her.  He doesn't seem to comprehend that there is NOTHING she could say to me that would mean anything or fix anything.  She is a liar and will say anything to get what she wants. 

bedazzled's picture

This seems to be so hard for many DH’s. They don’t understand that it gets to a point with these SKids that no matter what they say you do not want a relationship with them. You could never trust them and you would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. They don’t change, they just change their game. They figure out new ways to minupulate Daddy!  I wonder how long would these men last if our children were tolerated and enabled in treating them the way we are treated. I bet not long. But the good thing is we raised respectable children we can be proud of. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yes, Moose, it has gotten beyound repair....not that Twit would ever be someone I could trust or even tolerate at this point.  She is scarey.  I did try and even H admits that I tried.....he just wants me to try again.  Honestly, just how much carp am I suppose to deal with with this Twit?  As soon as she gets the idea that she is winning, she gets mean, nast, and cruel.  She wants to control everyone and she can't do that with me.  When she talks nonsense and something that does not make sense H would just accept it.  I am talking flat out lies and deception here.  I call her on it and she doesn't like it.  As I told H, one cannot have any kind of relationship with someone who is a liar and dishonest because one finds oneself always watching one's back.  And that is very stressful and tireing

bedazzled's picture

You are correct. My DH D is scary also. She is also a liar. It funny that DH forgets the way she would scream at him and write him nasty letters and texts. He no longer will challenge her so, as long as he jumps through her hoops upside down she treats him good. The second he doesn’t she can turn in a second. If he behaves she talks to him like he’s is her lover. She calls him my guy. She really is evil. 

She has always trashed her friends and relatives behind their backs. She can put on the sweet little girl act in a second. She was trained by the master. She and her mother are tighter than tight. Same act different actor. They don’t even blink when they lie. 

It is really a eye opener to see such evil first hand. I have been around not nice people before but not like this evil evil person. I think these DH’s really can’t bear to see or accept that their spawn could be like that. To have a spawn that people are actually afraid would be hard to accept. 

I understand exactly how you feel. Just hearing the persons name makes you sick to your stomach. Your H needs to respect you and never mention her again. You are done. She is dead to you.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

She has always trashed her friends and relatives behind their backs. She can put on the sweet little girl act in a second

Boy, does that fit the Twit right on.

somethingwicked's picture

 if or when  DH brought up Twit.

Actions speak louder than words.  I  understand curiosity but Twit is your Kryptonite.You are on the healing spectrum.

If DH wants to talk about Twit let him  share all  the latest about his  bizarre child of satan spawn to his therapist.

And What Is Wrong With This Picture?  Here DH  is ~  tossed out  of the home on his can , living in a hotel and yet he wants to discuss Twit at the first  face to face opportunity with you ???  yeah,maybe DH is developing dementia .

That OR he is  a block head  and will never "get it" and accept  that fact his toxic  daughter is sick, evil and a Twisted Twit .

 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Something - I wasn't curious, H was just so insistant that I just let him talk and then told him NO MORE PERIOD.

lorlors's picture

It is more likely to be RocksinHeaditis. A curious condition where no matter the evidence, DHs still bang on about their feral childrens apparent good points where in reality there aren’t any.

I’d be happy if my DH turned up looking like a bag of sh1t to our meeting. Actions have consequences and it is time your DH learned the hard way that he should have put you, HIS WIFE in the top spot.

Rags's picture

This is so sad. DH is letting his toxic crotch dribble ruin his marriage.  You are on the right path. I hope that DH can find clarity before it is is too late.

My best wishes for a good outcome for you, DH and your marriage ..... that is TWIT free.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

SDM, has your therapist, his sane daughter, your DD, or anyone explained to your H that the only option that might lead to reconciliation is for him to remove Twit from his life? That, unpalatable as it may seem, he must choose if he is to have any hope of a future with you?

Given his age, he may not be able to think his way out of this (as evidenced by his abysmally stupid decision to bring Twit up as if he was presenting you with a truth that changed everything). I know therapy is about helping people discover their own truth and solutions, but maybe, just maybe, someone needs to use little words to concisely and directly explain to your H what his options are. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I think my daughter might have brought it up to him the day after Thanksgiving when she told him that he had to lose Twit if he wanted me back.  That there was something wrong with her and that I was the one getting sick and feeling threatened by her and she, DD, didn't like it.  Or something to that effect.  I do remember she told him Twit was crazy and that there was something wrong with her, and H started to say something and then just said nothing.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Julie and Happy New Year.

Had my/our counseling session yesterday and am still digesting.  The counselor told him exactly that because I was telling him how I couldn't go on etc., and well, he just didn't seem to comprehend.

I finally found out WHAT Twit's problem is and am still digesting that.  He didn't want to spill the beans but the counselor told him that he needed to be honest with me about her so that I could decide what I think.  We have been right on about her and she, due to her "peronality" has alienated her family, her Mother etc. because they can't deal with the constant lying, tale telling, cheapness etc. 

What came out is that H blames himself for what she is.  Perhaps if he and his ex didn't divorce (she wanted the divorce as she was running around and leaving the 3 kids alone!).

Counselor told  him that he is NOT to blame as he has, evidently, tried for years to give her some kind of solidity of a parent but H has a right to happiness and a life of his own with me....he still loves me to pieces.

Lot was covered and left, by myself feeling like a wet rag.

I did accept an offer for early dinner tomorrow with H right there in the counselor's office.

She says she sees two people who love each other being torn apart by the antics of the Twit and we are going to work on removing Twit so H doesn't continue to feel guilty.

Oh, there was a lot and I am clumsy about explaining things and some things about Twit I feel should be kept personal.  Even I was surprised by some of her way past antics and things H said she had done.

sandye21's picture

Wow, SDM!  It must have been pretty bad.  DH keeps blaming himself because he thinks it was the divorce that made Twit the way she is today but I have to ask:  Did she start displaying this odd behavior before the divorce?  My guess is she did.  It's good to hear the therapist is working on eliminating DH's guilt.  DH just needs to get to the point where he deals with Twit entirely on his own and out of your presence.  That's do-able.  If DH brings up Twit at all during dinner immediately get up and walk into the bathroom.  When you return act as if he didn't say anything.  He needs to know you are NOT interested in her.  Period.  I know you love each other.   Best luck for you two.  (((HUGS)))

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye - I asked that question.  It is kind of funny as we would both ask and answer the questions using the counselor as the focal point.    Evidently she has always been shall we say difficult.   She never had any close friends or long lasting friendships, and that makes perfect sense to  me.

I do know that I will not let him back until this whole situation is resolved as permanently as can be.  I just can't deal with it any more.  It is surprising how nice, quiet and peaceful it is when I know I don't have to hear Twit's voice or problems or worry what she has up her sleeve....the coniving witch that she is.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It sounds as if your counselor has determined what she needs to drill down on in order to resolve this crisis. Let's hope she can figure out how and what to say to your H to help him step away from the guilt and accept that Twit is a middle-aged woman, responsible for her behavior.

I'm pulling for you, SDM.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks Julie - Keep in mind that he has had a few sessions alone with her before I pushed him into this joint one.  She already has my story and has even read some of my journals on what I have endured.  Somehow the term: "bat sh*t crazy" always seems to come up when people know some of the things she has pulled.

At this session H even confirmed some of the situations I had described to my counselor earlier so I am not just being sensitive etc.

One thing I found interesting is that it came out, and I don't exactly recall how as it was pretty emotional for me, that one of the reasons H doesn't always confront her lies, behavior, etc. is because he says that if you just let it go she seems to calm down; but if you object to what she says that is mean, lies, etc., or does she gets hyper about it.

Ispofacto's picture

There's really nothing to be gained by confronting her lies, she's never going to change.  The best option with someone like this is No Contact.

Some people choose to remain in limited contact using strong boundaries, but I have no idea why they do it.

Some of the members here have narcissistic parents and remain in contact with them.  It's baffling to me.

 

simifan's picture

I'm with somethingwicked, If the name twit is mentioned - get up & walk out. No words, no nothing. Actions speak a lot louder then words. 

shamds's picture

When you have stated twit is toxic and nothing about her or her name should be mentioned to you as she is not part of your family or life and you have disengaged from her toxicity, that means if he comes over genuinely to apologise, to say he made a mistake and try genuinely work things out, she would not be brought up.

what has happened is twit has made herself the centre of the universe for dad, his life revolves around her, she is still on his pedestal and you are not. He should have paid full attention and respect to you and tell you what he did wrong, own up to it and staye specifically what changes he was going to do and enforce them.

not vague apologies and how this has affected him (making him the victim) and you the cause of this mess!

about a month ago (2 visits in alone hubby spent on valuable weekends spending 8-9 hours driving his lazy arse kids as a chauffeur) for so called valuable family time where they sit in awkward silence and demand hubby pampers them, i had prior to that stated i would not waste my time with them or be demanded to be present by the kids because thats what bio mum dictated. I had told hubby that noone controls me, not bio mum and not his 3 incompetent kids with the ex and i would not be involved with them in the future when they are self centred greedy pigs, rude, disrespectful and intentionally exclude us so they can play happy family. 

Hubby decided 1 night when we were being intimate, to ask if i wanted to go out tomorrow to see his kids? NOOOO was firmly and harshly said and nothing after. Believe me he got it from me after how when we are having intimate husband and wife time, the kids never come in as a priority. Never should they when this is something that can be said at another time or when you have specifically excluded yourself from discussion of anything pertaining or related to said individual(s). Its like they walk over you and think well if i repeat myself or bring it up more she’ll give in which is a total disrespect of you and that should make you very angry.

1.5-2 months on and hubby disengaged from the 3 sk, his life does not revolve around them when they make no effort to be with us or maintain a relationship and hubby should not be expected to purely because of biology. He’s busy with work, family responsibilities so he only contacts them when its urgent like he’s going away for work or overseas etc or if its anything serious like university grants or govt grants sent to him for his son. Other than that, hubby removed himself because he finally realised he has 3 kids with ex, all selfish, self centred, unpleasant, disrespectful, rude lazy arse, manipulative and narcissistic but he comes home to a wife actually nurturing the 2 kids she had with him, home taken care of, dinner on the table, his support system is home waiting for him when this shit with the ex and kids with her comes up and our 2 kids are there wanting cuddles and a relationship with their dad. We are hubbys stress relievers, kids with ex and the ex wife are not.

until this man can come to that realisation and stand up for himself, don’t let yourself in to all his sob stories. He put himself in this situation

sometimes people need to lose that person before they realise how badly they screwed up and allowed themselves to be used, abused, manipulated and guilted before making active changes. So don’t buy into the whole lost weight and looks so upset about things. He’s realising his live in maid who took care of the house, his sexual release, his nurse and personal assistant is gone and its like oh man am i not enjoying this!!

hate to use that analogy because its demeaning to women that we are viewed solely as that when we do so much more but its just to try help put it in perspective 

lala-land's picture

So you met your DH for lunch and he thought it would be a good idea to act as a mouthpiece for his disfunctional daughter.  On what planet does this man live on?  He is not only a dolt, but more seriously he is another enabler for his daughters bad behavior.  At this point, is it possible for him to change?  I wish you luck in getting your DH to see the light, but given what has gone on recently, I wouldn’t hold out much hope.  I’m with the other posters, that if you chose to meet your DH again, at the first mention of his daughter, I would get up and leave.  You have stated your boundaries very clearly and if your DH cannot respect them, then it is up to you to deal with him.

Aniki's picture

SDM, tell your DH ONE LAST TIME that Twit is a taboo topic in Every Single Way. Don't say Twit. Don't say My Daughter. Twit is dead to you. Twit doesn't exist. Don't say one bloody word in reference to her. The minute he does, YOU get up and walk out.

If your DH continues to ignore your boundaries and your NEEDS, then he is going to be alone.

sammigirl's picture

SDM:  I am sorry you are going thru this separation and what seems like a road block.  

I went thru the separation also, 5 years ago.  One difference, I put a no contact order on both DH and his kids (all of them), booted him to SD's, and let him think about the consequences, all of them! 

It was an eye opener.  I could never have moved forward if I met my DH for any reason.  We needed a long cool down, and my DH needed a big eye opener.  We communicated only after we appeared before a Judge and requested the order be lifted.  

The only reason I lifted the order, DH had filed for divorce; my request to the Judge was we needed to be able to settle so he could have his divorce.  My DH decided he didn't have a place to go, didn't want to stay any longer with his Princess, and didn't want to part with his comfortable life.  Again, an eye opener.  I let him come to our patio only, for several meetings to discuss what our future held, then he had to leave.  After 3 months, we came to mutual boundaries.

It has taken 5 long difficult years to even begin to put it back together.  I tell you my story because it is slow, it will be different for both of you, and you both have to make boundaries for yourselves, thus making goals that must be followed.

I know how difficult your road is and will be.  If you move forward without all this, put it behind you, it is still very difficult for you.  I am sorry for your pain.

Stay here for support, I could never have kept a cool head without this site.  I will stay here because I learn from my advisors here every day.

 

still learning's picture

Funny how twit got what she wanted but is now quickly changing her tune.  Reality is that if the two of you divorce her father will move back near her and expect support, and rightfully so since she is the one who played a key role in the demise of your marriage.  

Good luck sorting this all out and remember to take care of yourself in the process.  

fairyo's picture

Sounds like you have found a great counsellor and DH is willing to at least try to bring some resolution. I sense that guilt is the reason most of our DH's deal with the skids as they do,and at least he has admitted this- most men don't.

TheX never admitted to any mistakes, which is always the biggest mistake. When I met him he said everyone is entitled to make one mistake, but if you then compound that intial mistake with a whole load of others it just gets impossible to deal with that mistake mountain. This is what leads to the Ostrich (or just let's pretend there is no mountain) syndrome- it is easier to manufacture a whole new reality around it, and the problems occur when they want you to accpet that reality as your own too, but you can't.

I think what you are doing is so laudable, but it must also be very tough. I really hope it works out for you both.