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"Set up" to be the ogre - vent

MorningMia's picture

This has been the theme throughout the nightmarish ex and skid saga. Initially, my DH and I were treated so poorly, so constantly harassed that, after 2 years of what felt like torture and my thoughts of leaving the marriage and "giving him back" to the dysfunctional POSs, I responded. I responded in a very matter-of-fact business-like manner.  No name-calling. No cursing. I just laid out how it was going to be. Since I didn't roll over and submissively pee on everyone with my tail between my legs, I was then THE OGRE. That was the "reason" to despise me, the "reason" they latched on to...because they had no defense for their behavior except to express jealousy and anger and to hopefully disrupt our marriage in the meantime (led by the mom, of course). 

Fast forward. Treated horribly in my own house until I put my foot down with my DH. Always on my tiptoes, knowing that any boundaries *I* put in place or response to s-show behavior are happily grasped onto and viewed as "more attacks."  Years of lovely peaceful detachment followed.  

As I've mentioned, my DH has had some serious health issues lately. The past month has been one of the hardest in my life. A terribly difficult situation was made worse by skids coming here "to help." I could list all the asshattery, but I won't. They have added to my "workload." I am utterly exhausted. 

My sleep patterns are a mess. Yesterday, I woke up at 3:00 am. Started "lunch" in the crockpot at 6:00 and took care of things around the house. When SS rose from his usual 12-hour slumber (no exaggeration), he mentioned that he heard me much earlier. I sensed that the precious son was bothered by some noise. Around noon, I told DH and SS that needed to sleep for about 2 hours. I climb in bed, fall asleep, and almost immediately hear banging behind the wall. The 15 minutes of banging is then followed by--SHOCKER--the vacuum! 

SS, in his mid-30s, won't lift a finger (not even put a dish in the dishwasher) unless asked to. DH had asked him if he would vacuum (biggest request ever!). SS waited until I went to bed to do so. At minimum, the usual total lack of consideration. At most, typical passive aggressive behavior geared toward getting a rise out of me so that he can go back home to mommy (with whom he lives right now) and confirm I am still "the ogre"--or laugh that they got a rise out of me. (Maybe past reporting behaviors, including live videos to mommy of all the rooms in our home, have created some paranoia in me, I don't know.) 

It is a terrible place to be. I got up, sat in the bedroom and cried for about 20 minutes. I then quietly snuck out of the house, put on my big dark sunglasses and went for a walk, crying and cursing and wishing bad things on people, and then laughed at my behavior. 

These situations are impossible. The only peace has been, is, and will be through total detachment. Thankfully, the last of them (him) is leaving tomorrow. My DH is not able to drive just yet. I requested that skids schedule flights according to my work schedule since the airport is so far away. But SS's flight would require me to get up at 3 am. Another passive aggressive move, and if Evil Stepmommy dares to say anything, that statement goes into the Ogre Files. I think DH is going to pay for a ride for the ingrate. 

Peace is just around the corner and I have once again learned another lesson. THEY ARE NEVER STAYING HERE NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. 

I love my husband. Our marriage has been better than ever the past few years. But had I seen into the future, I would have RUN. I would have run fast. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Why in the world would you even consider getting SS from the airport on his next visit? That thought shouldn't even cross your mind!  You contradict yourself in the same paragraph - say you know you need to completely detach, then vent about how you will have to get up at 3 a.m. to pick up SS at airport. 

I know the current circumstances (DH's health issue) were driving some of this current involvment with skids but it shouldn't. You should be practicing complete disengagement from these ADULT skids. If your boundary has been that they are not welcome in your home, then your DH's illness should not change that.

If these ADULTS want to spend time with their father they should pay for a hotel or other lodgings. If they can't afford that, then they just don't visit and they can set up regular video chats with their dad. Period. Or if DH wants to pay for it (out of his own disposable household allowance/funds - NOT your joint funds) then he can. Likewise with an Uber or taxi.  

Please don't take any of this commentary as being harsh. It's not. It's guidance for you to keep your sanity. And drawing firmer, clearer boundaries is needed, especially in times of crises. The very important first step is to get all thoughts of "engagement" with these skids out of your mind - stop even THINKING about how you could accommodate them, how they might aggravate you, etc. 

Pretend they are your DH's coworkers who you met briefly, didn't care for and have no desire to spend time with. Leave the relationship and interaction entirely with DH.  These people mean NOTHING to you. If they want to come to the home to visit DH (due to his illness) then have DH tell them they can come over between X  and X timeframe and you can make yourself scarce doing something else for a couple of hours.  

P.S.  As far as being the "ogre" - so be it. Why should you give a damn what these ingrates may THINK about you!  At least ogres don't get p!ssed on, remember that. It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

MorningMia's picture

You are right..but I am not picking up SS from the airport; I will be TAKING him to the airport (to be rid of him), or, yes, Daddy will pay for a ride. I totally agree with everything you wrote. What you describe is the way it was--and it took so long to get there--before DH became ill. He used to go to them for visits, etc. I had no to little contact with them at all. My/our mistake/mis-judgement was that they would behave differently in crisis. Yes, clearer boundaries are needed especially in times of crisis. What a hard, ugly lesson to learn.  

2Tired4Drama's picture

The time to disengage is NOW.

Tell DH that you will be unable to take SS to the airport - make up any kind of plausible excuse if you have to. Let the SS figure out a way to get there; he is an adult.  Cab, uber, whatever ...

You see this as an easy way to be rid of SS but it is STILL doing something for him that you should not be doing. Remember, treat him like you would an acquaintance you do not like.  Like a coworker you don't like and barely talk to. If they came to you and asked for a ride to the airport, would you do it?  Of course not!  You'd find an excuse.

Do the same here...or better yet, remember that a simple refusal will also do the trick. No explanation necessary. "Sorry - I can't." Then walk away.  

Winterglow's picture

To add to this, ensure that your DH doesn't pay for an Uber or cab because if your SS has to pay for himself he'll think twice about invading your home again.

ESMOD's picture

You do need to detatch from this.. and this includes allowing your DH to manage the relationship with his children.  If you find yourself in a similar situation in the future.. where your DH is ill.. the clear suggestion should be that "the "offer for help" is appreciated but you are capable of handling it. If they are coming for a visit, they will need to rent a car.. and book a hotel because you won't be able to host or pick them up.. because you are busy caring for their father.." right?

Ideally, that message is delivered by DAD.. not you.  As you have already discovered.. No One appreciates being dressed down.. even if it is in the calmest.. least offensive language.. You are welcome to your boundaries.. and can run your home as you and your DH see fit.. but he should be dealing with his kids.. not you.. even your line in the sand will be used as ammo and proof that you are the one pushing dad to reject them (may not be true.. that's how they see it.)  So.. let him do it.. make him do it.  If he is truly incapacitated.. you can send a brief, informative message.

Your dad is ill, he would welcome your calls.. they offer to come "help".. Thank you for the offer, but I have it under control.  If you want to come see your dad, you will want to rent a car and book a hotel because I won't be able to provide transportation and our house isn't going to be able to be available for visitors.  But, I'm sure your dad would appreciate hearing from you."  That's it.. don't offer to host.. don't offer to pick up.. don't offer to cook..or lend a car.. or anything..  they are adults they can figure out how to rent a car and lodging.. if they complain about not staying.. tell them no.. it's not a good time for that... that's that.. right?

Yesterdays's picture

The "help" is not helping. In this situation I would not pick them up from the airport. I would have them book a hotel for overnights etc. It is what it is. They've made the bed.. They can lay in it. You're not the ogre. He's acting like an immature toddler so he gets what he deserves. Had he been a helpful, and polite house guest things might have been different.

General rule in life... If you want to be invited back as a guest somewhere you act as a polite houseguest... Be helpful, bring food, contribute, ask what you can do to help. There's no reason to invite someone back who undermines your authority and acts like a petty child. There's absolutely no reason you should have to be around this.

Besides the fact that you have enough going on already. Surround yourself with those that are helpful, supportive and caring. He is neither. 

Yesterdays's picture

About your boundaries. They are reasonable. The people that have problems with the boundaries are the ones for whom the boundaries are required. The only people who get upset with the boundaries are the ones who are "benefiting from them". And of course they're the ones trying to break said boundaries. Don't let them... Stick to your guns. Keep those boundaries. The boundaries are NOT an attack. That is gaslighting. 

Harry's picture

I would never let a 30 yo SS move in to screw up my life and routine.  Vacuuming when I told them I need to go to sleep for two hours.  This is passive aggressive behavior.   SS has to go..If DH is upset, he can go with SS.  The two of them can have there bromance.  Helping each other/. Adult SK are not allowed in the house.  SS doesn't have a job?  How does he gets this time ?  No body wants him as a employee.  He can't  work for WALMART  ?    That's sad  

MorningMia's picture

It's been nothing but passive aggressive behavior from him and his sister for years. SS is too good for normal jobs like normal people. He has very high demands of employers--ha!  He has become a mooch and a leech with no car, no apartment, no furniture. I had wondered if he was going to want to use his father's health crisis as an excuse to "move in." He is leaving soon only because of the cut off date I stuck to. He has worked before and apparently saved enough money to go through the McDonald's drive-thru 1 - 2 times a day. My only satisfaction is that he is going to Mommy's house from here.  

Yesterdays's picture

Agree... This is an adult over 30!! You do not deserve this in your home. It's not a dependent child... It's an adult. Who should know better. At this age they are a guest to YOUR home. You are the adult, the owner of the house.... Your house. Your rules. 

MorningMia's picture

Thank you. He is getting better every day. When he's up for a drink or two, we're going to sit down and have a nice long calm conversation. Probably next weekend. (DH did suggest that "we all meet" in another town for the "next" visit.) 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If you are already the ogre, go full ogre. Don't agree to anything that makes it harder for you to continue to work, keep up your house, and care for your DH. If having them over makes it harder for you, don't have them over. 

Winterglow's picture

Ok, I officially forbid you to lift a finger for this overgrown brat. No cooking, no driving, no letting him sleep under your roof. He is a waste of space and useless with it. It's up to him to work out where to stay and how to get to and from the airport.

After the vacuum incident, I'd have come home and congratulated dh for feeling up to vacuuming. When the brat (or your DH) said it was him who had done it, I'd have smirked and said, "well, well, wonders will never cease." I'd also be tempted, as he's leaving, to say, " by the way, tell your mother that the ogre says hello", smirk and walk away. 

Catmom024's picture

Hang in there. He's almost out of your hair, and once he's left make yourself a promise that the skids will NEVER, under any circumstances,  be allowed to stay at your home again. 

Once again,  proof that the B.S. with skids and ex's never goes away.  You have to shut it down HARD.

Harry's picture

SS is not going to be your house guest.  He can't haunt BM and help her out. ....Of food and money.   The answer is NO...NO..NO.  To SS