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SD29's Wedding & SS32's Epic Rudeness

tigerlily74's picture

So SD29 got married over the last two weekends: first, the church ceremony, followed by a family lunch a week later.

The Church Wedding:

The church wedding itself went off pretty smoothly. SD29, who's usually surly and guarded, was obviously carried away with the bliss of the moment and actually thanked me for all my help - which was very minimal. Since she was being generous of spirit, I gave her a hug... which felt like I was taking advantage of her. LOL

The Morning After:

What got my goat was SS32's behaviour. He lives in a different country and came back for his sister's wedding. At the church wedding, he pretty much ignored me which was to be expected. The next day, however...

DH had forgotten to bring something to pass to SS32. So the next day, he wanted to meet up to do so. SS32 said he had no time to meet up and asked DH to drop it off. After the drop-off, DH called SS32 to chat. DH wanted to get to the bottom of SS32's behaviour since our wedding in February. SS32 had ignored almost all of DH's efforts to Skype and they had hardly talked since our marriage.

So SS32 launched into this tirade:

(1) He blamed ME for the break-up of the family - a family which had suffered two of the Ex-Wife's affairs in a decade during which she didn't want to have anything to do with DH and lived separately from him under the same roof; a family which broke apart when the Ex-Wife finally forced a divorce on DH more than three years ago, at least a year before I ever came into the picture.
(2) How can he hurt his mom by being friendly with me?
(3) He had lost all respect for DH.

That last comment is completely outrageous. How dare he? This guy is supposed to be some model son - responsible boy, valedictorian in school, now a doctor and a pillar of his church. And yet he's so condescending to his father, such a self-righteous prick who expects his dad to remain faithful post-divorce to his faithless mother.

What kind of child tells his/her father: "I've lost all respect for you" - while, by the way, still owing his father money for his post-graduate studies?

I know if I ever said that to my father, I'd probably be disowned. Maybe that's just how I was brought up.


A week later, this Saturday past, SD29 holds a little lunch for family.

During this lunch, nobody joins DH and myself at our table for a good hour. His kids sit with their mom at the table furthest from ours and hardly even acknowledge DH. I mean, ignore me by all means, but at least acknowledge your dad is even there?

We are finally joined by DH's father and brother when they arrive - and still everyone ignores our table.

The Aftermath...

Last night, before turning in, DH apologised for his family's treatment. He said if his family continues to treat us in this manner, we don't have to attend family functions any more. I know it must really hurt him for him to make a statement like that. He loves his family and has always played a prominent role in his extended family's get-togethers.

The next such gathering is Christmas Eve - during which his Ex is likely to attend. I still am amazed at her gall, attending the family gatherings of the man you spurned as if she still has a role in his extended family.

I'm seething for my poor DH now. And I just want to bitchslap SS32's holier-than-thou face. RARRR!

Ruby55's picture

What a bunch of jerks! Sorry your DH had to go thru that and you too. I wouldn't be in his son's company again.

tigerlily74's picture

Yeah, I'm quite happy to be left out of meet ups with SS32. He absolutely disgusts me.

tigerlily74's picture

I believe DH stood up for me and told his son off. There's no changing the prick's mind though. He wants his family to be how he defines it and obviously doesn't give a damn about his dad's happiness. Hypocrital arsehole.

still learning's picture

I have yet to hear of an adult skid from the husband's side who really wants their father to be happy (with another woman). It seems that what they want is for dear ol' dad to remain single and focus their time and $$$ on them, or get back together with BM. It's unfortunate that SM's are usually be seen as the "other woman," even if that's a role they never played.

sandye21's picture

Same thing here. I didn't know DH and did not even live in the same state when he and BM got a divorce. DH said BM had an affair too and that was the cause of the divorce, who knows? But years later I was told by strangers that I was the cause of it. There are only two people this could have originated from: SD or BM.

tigerlily74's picture

They want him to get back together with the BM. After all the disrespect and hurt she put him through? They are completely delusional.

sorrynotsorry's picture

You speak the truth!! TIGER LILY I had the exact same thing happen more or less at my fiancé's daughter's wedding. She ignored BOTH of us it was unreal. 5 years later just the other day she started going off on me. Well, I could give two shits about her. Finally told her to F OFF, lose my name, phone number and stay the F out of my life. Then gave fiancé ultimatum - go back to your gold digger daughter who doesn't want you happy and is pissed off you moved away so you can't spend money on her. And YES, her BM cheated on my fiancé MANY times when he left her!

I Say F***!!!!! these brats! She's totally dead to me now and I want nothing to do with her, her damn kids or his side of the family. I Deserve better than I was treated so its NO LOSS!

sandye21's picture

Glad to hear your DH at least stood up SS. That is SO important in the marriage. When my SD verbally attacked me my DH ran out the door and refused to confront SD about her behavior. As a result, our marriage is OK, but it would have been so much better if DH would have insisted SD treat me with respect in my own home.

Your SS is an a$$ and sounds like a narcissist. Don't waste another second of precious time trying to change SS's mind or try to get him to like you. It will never happen. As with my SD, your SS will justify his actions with untrue excuses and accusations.

I find it insulting that step parents are expected to adjust their schedules and happiness to accommodate the skids.

tigerlily74's picture

I have definitely reached the stage where I'm happy to ignore and be ignored by the SS. My feelings of outrage are more on behalf of my DH.

Sorry to hear your DH didn't stand up for you when you needed him to. Hopefully he will next time it happens!

notasm3's picture

Your DH should rip his ahole son a new one and not pull any punches.

Ask the brat how he could expect your DH to respect himself if he kept letting Ho-bag BM f*&* everybody in town. What kind of man just sits there and accepts treatment like that from his wife?

Would he (SS) as a husband be okay with his wife fornicating (I love that old word) for years? He could quote the bible verses about divorcing a harlot for adultery.

You were not the other woman. BM was a blatant serial cheater. Facts are facts. Nothing should be whitewashed.

SS will still find plenty of reasons to be an a$$. And he will most likely ignore anything your DH says - but it needs to be said.

tigerlily74's picture

Thankfully DH is very defensive on my behalf when stupid and unfair accusations are made.

It's ridiculous to call me the other woman when it was the step kids that found out about their BM's affairs! And they went through the divorce with my DH.

The fact that they can still turn around and blame me for the break-up of their family just shows how delusional they are. >:(

Shaman29's picture

So....this adult SS is blaming you for the breakup of his family, even though you weren't in the picture until well after his divorce??


The adult SS is still a child and continues to dream that his parents will reunite some day.

What a little jerk.

tigerlily74's picture

Yup. There was even a very brief courtship with another lady between the divorce and before DH met me, so there is no way any right-minded person would be able to blame me for the break-up of the family.

SS does want them still to reconcile and I suppose I'm standing in the way of that. But seriously, 10 years of living separately under the same roof, 10 years of disrespect and hurt, 10 years during which she had two affairs, two years since a very painful divorce... and they believe a reconciliation can take place?


furkidsforme's picture

I would bet the farm your DH has never set sonny-boy straight that BM was a serial cheater, and that you came into the picture well after the split. I bet he lets you be the scape goat.

tigerlily74's picture

Actually, it was sonny-boy and his siblings who found out about BM's ffairs and broke them to DH. And the kids definitely know when I appeared on the scene, so they have NO EXCUSE to paint me as The Other Woman.

tigerlily74's picture

He's lost all respect for his father... the man he still owes money to.

Amazing, isn't it? And yes, absolutely, he is an entitled jackass.

Thank you for your advice. It's very sobering. Thankfully, right now, DH is very much on my side. I'm going to work hard to make sure he doesn't start looking for compromises if I can.

sorrynotsorry's picture

Someone on here told me to peruse the posts on here to know what I'm getting into with SKIDs. Glad I did. By the way I told spoiled disgusting SD to F OFF!! She started in on me and the first time was the LAST time. I told her to stay the fuck away from me, my family and that includes her dad. She's not welcomed in my life and she doesn't exist. Felt good! Boy did it feel good!! Felt bad for a bit for my fiancé but he needs to put the brat in her place. Her mom cheated and broke up the family wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy before she met me. So she can double fuck off. Sad spoiled POS!

ctnmom's picture

You know what? I think from what you said in your post, bad behavior notwithstanding, that you're ahead of the game. Your DH is firmly at your side; he sees their bullshit for what it is. Just continue to be a good wife, support him in his decisions. Dirol What a bunch of weirdoes!

ldvilen's picture

Some people just gleam through every post here, just looking for the one or two comments that they can even remotely take as "off," and use it as an excuse to rip into someone.

tigerlily74's picture

Thank you. My SD29 did let her guard down for once, and I reacted in that split second with a hug. There was no agenda in my action. It felt odd but it was the right thing to do. I'm grateful for your comment!

sammigirl's picture

You did well at the wedding and lunch; stay away from SS and let DH handle the situation. It's Skid's loss when they believe and act as such.

I've never had words with my grown SD; she is hateful and backstabbing to me for 36 years.

I'm glad I've never had words with her or gave her the satisfaction.

DH is another story; his Princess is always right; lots of words between us over the past 10 years and I've told him to repeat anything he feels comfortable with to SD. It's so much fun being the "other woman".

I call bullsh@#t!

tigerlily74's picture

I'm definitely staying away from SS. Why deal with the aggro? Let him stew in his resentment and bitterness. I can't afford the wrinkles }:)

ldvilen's picture

I think what a lot of people don’t get about being a SM or step-parent is that good old-fashioned prejudice is heavily involved, and I mean heavily, like the 1950’s South, Restrooms for White-People Only type prejudice. SMs are stereotyped to the max., and everyone in this day and age permit this to go on. Even other SMs may not get it. They may be “lucky” and have a BM who accepts the fact that her ex- has moved on and gives permission to the SKs to care, and these SMs may also have a husband, who treats his wife like his wife (vs. his ex- like his wife) and deals with the SKs appropriately to make sure that they respect his wife/their SM. For even a chance at success, any SM needs both. Whether or not the SKs get along with SM has very little to do with SM herself, but way more to do with the BM and DH. You need both a supportive BM and DH. You only have the supportive DH, but keep in mind many don’t even have that.

I always think of that one case in Texas (the death-penalty lover’s state) where this BM killed her five children and basically got away with it. She was initially on death row, but there was such an outcry that poor BM was getting a bad deal, that she was eventually retried and released. That tells you something. Quite literally, BMs can be a lying, cheating, drug-addicted whore, kill five of their own children, and still get off scott-free. And, you know what, if one of her children survived, and the dad remarried and had a new wife, I bet even Texas would have awarded custody of that child to the BM AND that kid would have gone on to love his BM and think of his bio-dad as deadbeat skank and his SM as dad’s whore. AND, Barbara Wa-Wa would surely have had a special on it at some point regarding another all-American story with a happy ending, because in the end, mother and child were together. Nothing else matters.

THAT is what step-parents are up against in America.

enuf's picture

Your well educated, pillar of society, holier than thou ss is a coward and a douchebag. I am sure he has some nasty secrets in his closet that your dh knows about. Otherwise, ds would not be trying so hard to be "king of the hill" by degrading his df by protraying you as the dishonorable female with the big "A" on her forehead. The only way he can accomplish being the "king of the hill" is by attacking your character, the primary female in his df life. Very typical, when you read about some tribes, factions, or warring groups, the one thing they do is rape or kill the females in the opposing group. They do this to dishonor, prevent procreation, and insult their enemy.

Ss is doing the same thing, using you to dishonor his df. You might be able to google the information regarding the dishonoring, raping, killing of women to insult the enemy. Send your ss a copy and write that the article is very similar to the mentality he is using to dishonor his df. I am sure that will get the attention of your cowardly ss.

RodgerDodger's picture

That is a new angle and I never thought of that. It always bothered me more when sons go after their dad's wife or SM. I always thought that sounded so horrible for a young man to go after dad's wife but what is usually an older woman too. Maybe what you say above is true? By attacking dad's wife he is really attacking his father without doing it directly enough where he would have guilt for going after his father. If it is a daughter going after SM that doesn't bother me as much as it seems more equal despite it still is not right. But when a son goes after his dad's wife that just creeps me out.

tigerlily74's picture

I've never thought of human relations in that way. But you're absolutely right. Attacking me is a very effective way of shaming his father and puffing himself up. It just makes me feel so sorry for him that he's such a coward. He's only ever able to criticise his father in emails or over a phonecall. NEVER face-to-face. PATHETIC.