how do you get through this.... with a smile and a thought of fuck off...

disengage from SD, if she calls, walk out, if he talks about her, cut it short, change the subject to something else,
simply tell him not interested...

plan your own life and live it.... read allot on this site lol...

I prefer my DH to go do things with my SS's without me as well. I already know when they are grown and gone, I will never be considered Grandma to their children or even invited into their lives. Doesn't bother me one bit. I don't want them to be a part of my families life either. I don't want them at my family functions. They made it clear early on they will not accept me so I have zero desire to try and force myself on them. It is their loss....Not mine.

I know it hurts to be excluded, but it sounds like it is only on a handful of occasions in a year. Father's day, or a birthday. Also, just a lunch or breakfast.

I guess I don't, in theory, have an issue if a spouse wants to spend time with their bio kid without their spouse being present... on occasion.

In fact, based on the relationship, I am guessing that I would be relieved to not have to spend time with people I don't like.

I guess there is always the saying that a good offense is the best defense.

Next father's day/birthday. Plan a luncheon and invite HER and allow her to invite whoever else she wants:)

My SO said to me the other day "you have so many interests and friends, I am surprised you have any time for me". Wtf? I have no family within 3000 miles...of course I have to make friends to have a social life. My response "your 3 kids and your 7 siblings are your hobby...enjoy!" I think that hammered home the point. His kids don't particularly want me listening in on every convo they have with their Dad, besides they knew him for 25 years before I came along. We aren't joined at the hip...I thoroughly enjoy not having to spend every evening, weekend, and holiday in his exclusive company and certainly not continual visits to his kids.

Who in their right mind would want to spend every occasion with the skids, adult or otherwise. I find that incredibly boring, they all know each other so well, they have their inside jokes and history. I would much prefer to be pursuing my interests, which none of them seem to be the slightest bit interested in. All they seem to want is my cooking, my gifts and any money I throw in the pot. I just evaporate and do my own thing every second time he announces yet another family event.

Next year plan a 7 day trip OVER his birthday

OR if that is out of the question. Take him to dinner/lunch the day, two or three days his birthday. Plan an overnight in a hotel for a night or two the weekend before his birthday.

Lets face it most folks like to celebrate Birthdays ON weekends anyway and rarely celebrate on the real day when it falls on a week day.

If he works, remember to load your car UP with balloons and take them into his office the day before his birthday.

MEN LOVE THAT, Makes them feel young

Sorry your upset. Not sure of your age but at my age 'little over 49' it's just another day. This stuff just does NOT matter. LET her have the birthday. I would say ' OF course HONEYYYYYYYYY he is your dadddeeee YOU can have him on his birthday. I would not want it anyyyyyyyyy otherrrrrrrrrr way Enjoy your lunch, ok?

I am sure you could care less if you have a relationship with SD or not but you are hurt because you are being excluded and your DH condones it. You are making his lunches and his relationship with SD way to important. So let him go to his lunches and you create a wonderful world for yourself that DH can not be part of. There are all sorts of possibilities but do something you really love and put your soul into it. Think of the lunches as some boring meeting that he has to attend - something that you would not enjoy anyway - you really wouldn't. Show him that his relationship with SD is so trivial that you really don't want to discuss it at all, and when he brings her up you quickly change the subject. Make sure you are not home when he returns from the lunch, when you arrive home talk joyously about how much fun you had. Ask that he take all calls from SD in another room because you have to make a call to a very special friend. If he ever complains inform him, "You have your priorities and I have mine."

The most important thing is, make the pursuit of your own interests something you genuinely want to do so there is no time to feel "left out". Don't make it about him or his daughter. If she want daddee time then let her fill her boots. The conversation would likely be boring as shite anyway. Let them have their little mutual admiration fest, and be glad someone else is entertaining him for a few hours. Think freedom. Think day at the spa. But don't do it in anger, just be truly occupied and happy.

You are going to have to confront him on this and explain to him that he either engages you as his priority or you are heading back home. Give him the choice and hold him accountable to make you his priority.... or..... hit the road.

I completely disengaged from sd about 2 or 3 years ago. She's 23. After a very long 15 year history of being the target of her and "the clans" ridiculous abuse. It has taken time.
Against advice here, I did tell my DH I was done! She was not welcome back in my home. I don't think he expected all the rest. Here are some of the more delightful results of this.
I am no longer a target. I think the clan can't figure out what's going on. They are all now treating each other the way I used to be treated as there is no longer a target person. Even my DH is being called names and sd is having horrible fights with her bm. When I was the intended target, none of that happened. It was more like a competition to win at a all costs, but now nothing exists to compete with. They haven't dared to ask where I am or why I have sent no gifts for illegitimate baby or Christmas because deep down, they KNOW why. I am totally enjoying this. My mental health is better, I have started taking better care of myself. My dh can have all the visits and contact he wants, but with me removed, he sees them all for just what they are.

Oh, one more comment on the syrupy baby talk to SD. I totally called my DH out on that. I compared it to if he had to listen to me do that to my bio son of the same age. I flat out told him how sexually unappealing it was for a partner to watch and hear that. It would be ok if she was 6 for God's sake. I never ever say stuff like that to him, but he stopped!

How do I get through this?

I honestly don't think everyone can get through daddy and little girl unit. I failed. My SD22 moved in with us for 7 month and if she wouldn't move out I would be divorced now. Valentine Day, Wedding Anniversary, take out dinner just for two of them, I was not included, not welcomed...she was his wife,not me....it hurts so much, so I totally understand you. Sorry don't really have an advice just letting you know I feel your pain.

Needmynormalback ,you start by hanging out here and reading everything you can. You start by putting yourself and your sanity and your sanctuary and marriage first. If your dh cares at all about his vows, he will start seeing the changes in you.

Do what I have done for the past two years. I have made plans for my DH's birthday a few days (weekend) before his BD or Father's Day. I do the same for anything else for us. I up it a few days to beat SD to the draw!

I don't say a word, skids are not invited, only friends and family members that love us. We just celebrated DH's birthday yesterday, gift, card, I treated him to his favorite lunch and then cuddle time last night.

Now he can go spend Father's Day and his birthday; which are on the same day this year, with SD58 and family with no butt hurt from me. I'll spend Father's Day with my Dad (who will be 101 next week). My father still lives in his own home, alone (his wishes). So I will take him out to lunch; DH is welcome to come along of course.

I don't let SD58 interfere in my life; she is not a part of my life, and she will never be a part of my life again. She's history and has been for 8 years. When she stops in to see her Dadeee.....which is only about 6 times a year; I ignore her. I don't cater or speak to her. I am civil, but she knows she is never welcome in my world again and she also knows I don't care one minute about her existence.

SD told me she didn't want me around her, I oblige her; now she doesn't like that arrangement either. Her loss, her problem, and now she is DH's problem, I'm out of it.