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SD wants us to bail her out! Again and again.

too old for this stuff's picture

My stepdaughter is 30. She lives with her very nice well off boyfriend. Yet she hits her father up for money constantly. Money we don't have as we live on a teacher's retirement. Last week she told us that she owes more than 25,000 dollars of credit card debt! I was shocked. How did she let it get that bad? 
 

She calls up tearful and manipulates her father into giving her 300 dollars. She has never once paid us back. In college she stole our credit card and bought stuff. And she did pay that back after The bank called. And it was a fraud situation.

Now He wants to give her what little we have in savings! I refuse. This needs to stop. She either needs to declare bankruptcy or gets credit counselor. He's not helping her by bailing her out. 

Cover1W's picture

No, no more $$.  And be careful giving her anything that she may (likely not) pay to that Credit Card debt. Anything you pay towards that CC debt and then you are agreeing to be a debtor to that card; do not give her any checks nor pay anything to that CC company.

I had to look this up years ago because my former in-laws were saddled with horrific debt to due a spending problem like this. We did not ever give them $ in checks, but would help them with groceries and things (indirectly, very indirectly) so long as they were also paying down their creditors. We did not want to end up with their debt once they passed.

too old for this stuff's picture

Thank you for that. I hadn't thought about that. There's no way that we can keep helping her. And the way she talks about her self, she's an actress, just blows my mind. She takes no responsibility for the fact that she has run up that much debt. Absolutely thinks of herself as walking on water. But expects everyone else to bail her out.

JRI's picture

I have had a similar situation with SD61,  you can read my blogs if you can stand it.

I separated our finances and gave DH a no- questions-asked allowance in return for the agreement that not one other cent of family money goes to her.  I check our charge daily to make sure. 

If your SD is like mine, she will go for as much as she can as long as she can.  All you can do is protect yourself.

too old for this stuff's picture

I am so trying to protect myself . She should be helping her 71 year old father, not the other way around.

 

 

 

SteppedOut's picture

The answer is no, unless he'd like to split assets before the divorce. 

I think if I was you, I would separate finances now. This will more clearly let him see how much he can't afford to continue on like this. And then, if he is ever unable to come up with his portion of expenses (due to giving her money), also divorce. 

May sound harsh. It is time for harsh. Or continue supporting his worthless daughter. 

Birchclimber's picture

Another relatable story, I'm sad to say.  In our case, we have always said "no".  No monetary gifts, no loans, no bail outs, no matter how many tears and sob stories accompany the requests. And there have been many requests.   Sometimes, it wasn't easy to say no, but we have never wavered.  Neither my DH or myself, have ever asked anyone for or have been given a hand-out.  Everything that we own is joint and we worked hard for it. 

There comes a time when the skids have to realize that your money is not their money and that you are not a bank.  These are adult problems that they have brought upon themselves, and it is up to them to go figure out how to solve them...like an adult!   Do not allow yourselves to become enablers to their poor spending habits, or this problem will never go away.  Say no, and as Rags always says, "Lather, Rinse and Repeat".  Eventually they will learn to either manage their own money more responsibly or to at least realize that coming to you is a dead end for them.

too old for this stuff's picture

I have no problem saying no. But DH cannot say no to her. So I end up being the one who has to put my foot down. So I'm seen as the bad guy. She made this bed. She obviously has huge mental problems. She told us on the phone she got a work for a month as a cater waiter. And then proceeded to call herself a woman of many facets. Because she got a job!  But she needs to work her own money issues out. I need this to stop. You are very smart to have set that precedent.

CLove's picture

Not another dime goes to that black hole of a skid.

You need to have a BIG heart to heart. Does DH have a post-retirement job? Separate your finances and manage all of it anyway so your savings are protected.

Not another DIME. Repeat at necessary.

too old for this stuff's picture

DH has no retirement job. And we live in a very expensive state. And I am Disabled. The way to bring in some money sometimes. But not enough. And we struggle every month as people do.

notarelative's picture

Bailing her out won't stop her charging again. You could give her double her debt and she'd be back. If he debt is overwhelming, she can declare bankruptcy. That should also stop her having credit for a time.

DH needs to start considering his future. He needs to consider his and your future needs. If something happens and one of you needs nursing care, your choice of facilities is greater if you have the ability to pay for a time. Plus, to be eligible for Medicaid there is a look back period (five years in my state). Giving a sum of money to her within that time would make you ineligible for the time they deem equivalent to that amount. 

Being the "bad guy" is the right thing to do. Protect yourself.

too old for this stuff's picture

Just found out last night that not only has she not been paying her credit cards but apparently her older sister has been bailing her out and paid her taxes. I am just floored. DH gave her $300 a couple weeks ago and apparently she is using it to come up to the big city near us and stay at an Airbnb. So she's using money that she was supposed to use for her credit card for her birthday.

Rags's picture

Anything given to her is no better than flushing it down the crapper. 

I hope you can keep your DH's head out of his own butt on this.

Good luck.

too old for this stuff's picture

I'm trying. But it is an uphill battle. He is so easily manipulated by his kids.

Rags's picture

He gives his failed family SKidult daughter $300, take $600 out of joint accounts.  No explanation, double what he wastes on her, and take it away so he can't make the same mistake in the short term.  Never tell him, keep it as YOUR emergency fund.

meh

Nea

Harry's picture

Will always spend more money then they make.  What ever you give her she will spend more. Put money in your own bank account in your name only.  Better to be the bad guy then have no money 

reedle2021's picture

I would say no definitely to this woman. She is an adult.  If you keep bailing her out, she'll keep asking.  Please get DH on the same page and form a united front to end this.  Let her find someone else to use.  This is not your problem and this is not DH's problem.  This is SD's problem.  She dug her hole, let her be an adult and dig her way out. 

To quote Birchclimber:  "Do not allow yourselves to become enablers to their poor spending habits, or this problem will never go away.  Say no, and as Rags always says, "Lather, Rinse and Repeat"."  I second this suggestion.

Protect yourself!

too old for this stuff's picture

I have been trying to get him to quit giving her money for years. He has to stop. I think last night was the first time that he really realized what a user she is. Because she called up and told us that she's using the $300 that he gave her to come to the big city near us and stay in an Airbnb with her friends for her birthday. Obviously she still thinks she can live high on the hog. Or why would you be driving six hours to another city for your birthday. She even has friends that are flying in. To try and assuage her guilt she invited her father and I to come and visit her at the Airbnb . She doesn't want me there because I will tell her what I think of her

Merry's picture

This is way beyond bailing out a mistake. This is full-blown enabling. DH (and you) will be in the poorhouse and she still won't have any money to pay her own bills.

Flustered's picture

SD is an adult and you have helped before? You and DH need to help yourselves. I am sure she is waiting for inheritance down the road...

2Tired4Drama's picture

As senior citizens, your DH (and you) are being financially exploited by his adult daughter. Doesn't matter what sob story she is using - she is attempting to clean you out financially. 

If you are in Southern California, please contact the people at the program below and they will provide you with guidance to prevent this from happening.  If you are not in Southern California, then they can provide you with contact information for similar services wherever you are in the State. 

Your DH (and you) cannot have your limited income taken from you and they will provide ways to protect your assets AND learn how to say NO. 

Senior Protection Program & FAST - Council on Aging - Southern California - COASC

https://www.coasc.org/programs/senior-protection-program-fast/

 

Rags's picture

My SIL is a spender and has zero clue about money, how it works, or how to earn it.   Her parents were well off.  They divorced when she was 2yo.  Her SF is loaded, her father was loaded until he blew it all.

My brother is exceptionally successful.  From nearly the beginning of their 30+ year marriage he realized she cannot have unfettered access to money.  So, she really has little idea of what they have, where it is, etc......

She gets a debit card that is loaded with her allowance and that is what she has access to.  When she travels, she gets a travel high but strictly limited travel card.   While this may sound controlling, it is not toxic. It is self preservation for my brother.

Early in their marriage she threatened to take their young kids and leave.   He was devistated and it scared the crap out of him. For many years she kept him on shakey ground until he grew more and more successful, confident, and finally boxed her in and kept her constrained.   

While I am happy that they have found a place of balance in their marriage, in private conversation, my brother still says that he has 4 children.  He recognizes that his wife is not his partner. She is his mate, but not his partner.

Their three kids love her to death but they also know that their dad is the foundation and quality parent of and in their lives.

Those who cannot be trusted with finances, should not have anything but closely controlled access to finances.

IMHO.

In our marriage, historically I am the predominant earner, DW is the finance management/CPA wizard. Together we do well, she is the one that gives us a great credit score. I do not spend money, hardly at all.  She is the one who pays the bills.  

Collectively we manage the investments. While not investment savants by any means, an engineer/MBA and a CPA/MBA can keep a fairly decent level of performance in our financial life together.

We have no secrets from each other financially, or otherwise,  Unless I ask her not to look at the statements for a couple of weeks.  I only do that so she does not figure out what I have purchased for her.   I like providing surprises.

It works for us that all income is marital income.  We are fortunate that SS-31 is a fully launched self supporting successful adult so we do not struggle with what so many SParents struggle with regarding a failed family spawn's inability to adult successfully.