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The SD is returning

Imthewife20's picture

Haven't been in here is a long time (since SD was in HS, I raised her since she was 3). SD is now 24 and has graduated from college. She has been living in AZ and working full time since graduating from college as a nurse. She is now trying to move back to our state "to be closer to her brother and sister".

She caused huge family issues on DH's side when she was in HS. The family issues she caused stemmed from her whining and complaining to my sister in laws about "not feeling loved", blah, blah, blah in our home. Her dad eventually caught on to her ridiculousness, but it was too late and family formed opinions of us and we continue to be black listed and do not see them at all. The family cut ties with SD in the last year or so as well. SD eventually admitted to causing the issue and chalked it up to "being a hysterical teenager" at the time. Unfortunately, her brother and sister have lost the family and all the experience she received with them. I have forgiven, but not forgotten.

She and her boyfriend are relocating here and I want to set some reasonable boundaries. Her sister is now in HS and isn't wanting her half-sibling at all of her HS events and we also have an 8 y.o. boy. For one, I will NOT allow them to live with us (since she left, we moved into a much bigger house), I do NOT want her involved with our child rearing (something she frequently complained about when she was in HS), and I do not plan to include them in our daily lives, vacations, etc. She has stated she expects to be involved in her sister's activities, vacations, etc.

I'm thinking being blunt and laying this all down to her is the best way to go? She can be an alpha female-thinking she has a right because she is her dad's "oldest" child.

hereiam's picture

She has stated she expects to be involved in her sister's activities, vacations, etc.

Hahahahahahaha! She does not get to determine how involved she is in her sister's activities, vacations, etc. Being her dad's eldest child gives her no rights. She's nuttier than some of the BM's we deal with.

Being blunt and laying it out is probably the best way to go about it, otherwise she will take your silence on the issue as a go ahead and she will just do as she pleases.

KittyKatMomma's picture

Fuck off should suffice.

Tell her point blank they are sisters
not mother/daughter
she doesn't need a (s)mother
she's already got you
it is nice for her to support her sister
however she does NOT need to be glued to her sister's side 24/7

SM12's picture

She will only be as involved as you allow her to be. If your BD doesn't want her around her or at her activities, pretty simply, just don't share that info with SD.
Make it clear she will NOT come over unannounced or for unplanned visits. And she can want all she wants about going on family vacations, but she can only go if you tell her, provide a way for her to go and allow it. Otherwise, she is SOL.

Rags's picture

DH needs to be the one to give his eldest prior relationship spawn clarity on what will and what will not be her level of interface with the minor children or his marriage.

He really does need to be the one to put his foot down and deliver the message.

The two of you must partner in enforcing the message but he needs to deliver it.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

sandye21's picture

^^^THIS^^^ Discuss your limits with DH. If he refuses to convey them to SD in a manner which shows he supports you, then you will have to do the dastardly deed. I definitely would not allow her to have the opportunity to instill her attitude on DD for any amount of time.

I might give one chance to visit and see if her attitude was really the result of being a teenager. If at any time she starts to display her 'old self' she should be shown the door.

Imthewife20's picture

Yes, when I asked her why she wanted to move back and what she expected, she told me she wanted to be this involved. She even booked a hotel room and showed up to the cheer competition in Las Vegas. This was not okay because she lives with her BF and we don't want her exposing her siblings to that and traveling with her BF with us. She texts her sister and her dad a lot too and doesn't tell everyone what's up-we all get a piece of her plan.

And yes she does run her mouth and knows I will cut her off in a minute if she steps out of line. The family damage is done. But I don't want her hanging around here all the time.

She just does it differently now that she lives in another state and is a self supporting adult. But it doesn't give her the right to barge in and start including herself in our plans.

still learning's picture

It may just be a lot of talk and she likely won't be as involved as she wants to be once reality sets in. She'll be working long sometimes unpredictable hours as a nurse and her BF will need time too. I'm sure she'll have friends and other things going on as well.

Yes the boundary needs to be set that she is DH's *child* and should be treated as such. The parents run the show!

Acratopotes's picture

Let her run off her mouth, you have an advantage, it's your house and you can decide the boundaries and set them.
Talk to DH and make it clear, she will not be moving in, not even while she "looks" for an apartment.

She's an adults and needs to live her life, she can come and visit only when invited, and she has nothing to do with raising your children.