You are here

SD pretends I don't exist

henri003's picture

After 2 years of my marriage to her father, and no event between her and me that precipitated it, my adult SD (late 20's) has started to pretend that I don't exist. All cards, invitations, emails, etc., are now sent to my husband alone, or to Grandpa because they have a one year old. Now "we" (invitation to him only) are invited to her house for a family holiday (just us and my SS and his wife, not his ex) get together. My husband says we should just go and act like we always do, talk as if nothing happened and play with the baby. I don't have a clue how to react to this since I clearly don't exist to her.

According to my husband, this girl has been a drama queen long before I entered the picture and even disappeared and wouldn't contact him or her mother for 2 years in her late early 20's. During that time she wrecked cars, defaulted on bills and was involuntarily hospitalized for being suicidal.

In the past year my husband asked her to come to counseling sessions with him, and she attended several sessions but pretty much made the sessions about how horrible he is and how wronged she has been so the sessions just sort of stopped by attrition because my husband was weary of it. I should insert here that by all accounts he was not abusive to her but that her mother was, and its his fault that he didn't save her. Yet, without any counseling sessions with her mother she says they "worked everything out" and are fine. My husband says with all her past issues, he is pretty much immune to her drama by now.

So how should I approach this "family" holiday get together?

henri003's picture

I can't really say what happened in their counseling sessions specifically. During the early years of marriage to SD's mom, his job required a lot of travel. He came off the road when SD was 9 and SS was 3. He tells me that he stayed in the marriage until the kids were grown and moved out because he wanted to help protect them as much as he could, but then he had to save himself. I think he was victimized as well. His ex remains extremely spiteful toward him, and of course I'm the bitch.

See my post at the end of this thread regarding mental health issues.

toywas's picture

Personally, I would not go and I would tell (and show the invite) to DH the reason why. My 6 SKs do the same to me for 12 years, and since I have disengaged this year, they keep asking DH "why's wrong with her?" The idiots have no clue!

Tell DH to go by himself but don't bring home the drama!

RedWingsFan's picture

I hear ya, StepAside, but what about those fathers that have pretty much exhausted any and all ways of "working on their relationship" with the kid? Relationships are a two way street, not a highway and a parking lot. If the dad continues to get rejected over and over for years by the kid and told he's no longer welcome in her life, there's not much more he can do to help restore their relationship.

RedWingsFan's picture

Oh I get that StepAside, but Dh really HAS done all he can with stepdevil. He's admitted that he raised her wrong, causing a lot of her issues now. He's taken her to therapy, he's tried starting over (SEVERAL times). She just doesn't want him around because guess what? He parents her now, doesn't just let her do as she pleases like her mom lets her. Why would she want him around when she actually has to respect him and be disciplined for bad behavior when she can stay home with mommy and get whatever she wants and do whatever she wants? There's no motivation on her part to allow her dad back into her life because he doesn't give her what she wants.

Amber Miller's picture

I think it would also help if fathers told their children if they get remarried that they will respect his wife. They don't have to like the new wife but they should be required to act like civilized human beings and be cordial and treat her with basic, common respect.

toywas's picture

"Rabbit hole trips" - I love that phrase! I have done many trips like those. Since I don't cater to the SKs every whim (cooking big meals, reminding DH to buy this for so&so, cleaning up after them), they think something's wrong with ME! Last year DH got exhausted after doing all "my" jobs. This year he played smart - he sent money!

Personally, my DH likes to keep the waters calm and shove the problems under the rug so to speak. Me - I'm the opposite; if there's a problem, I need to solve it NOW not later.

I like Steps words above - I'm an individual. And I would like to add - my purpose is not to please you (saying this to the golden eggs!

henri003's picture

I love the "rabbit hole trips" concept too, perfect way to describe the interactions! I will keep that image to amuse myself during future get togethers.

Our husbands sound similar; mine will work on things but only after a crisis.

Amber Miller's picture

As I've posted before, the term "golden eggs" sends me into a roar of laughter Smile
Ok, this is weird but I can't help it. I told DH about the golden egg term because I was in tears, laughing so hard the first time I heard this term. Wouldn't it be funny if I spray painted an egg gold and then wrote his daughters name on it and displayed it on our mantle? :jawdrop: Oh geez he'd be so defensive and probably get mad but I would love to do this. I could say "oh yes honey, just decorating the house for Xmas". }:)
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ok, I'm getting too silly now.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Your husband wants you to go, to act like nothing's happened, just play with the baby. So, how does that work for you, going to someone's home knowing you are not welcome, and spend into the evening being ignored. Hoe is this supposed to pan out long term. You keep,going, she keeps ignoring you, and the baby learns how to treat you from its mother's example. In a couple of years the child will be ignoring you too.

The only person who benefits from this is your husband. He doesn't have to deal with the issue, he gets to see his daughter and his grandchild and no one ignores him, all very nice FOR HIM.

Your dh is doing the wrong thing by everyone here, and by acting like everything is normal, he is accepting, thereby encouraging his daughters behaviour. The longer he does this, the less likely things will change. To be honest, if she's been getting away with this for two years I don't think things will ever get better. You can thank your husbands head in the sand approach for that. Don't go. If you do you are enabling your husband to continue ignoring his daughters treatment of you.

emotionaly beat up's picture

When children are young their parents absolutely can and do influence them, but as adults they are totally responsible for their own actions. They are not children anymore you cannot blame the bio mother. My husbands children were grown up when he left. He still likes to think they'd love him but for their mother. Not true, he and their mother ruined those kids, focused totally on them because they hated each other. When he left he took his wages with him. That's why they're mad, that's why they won't have anything to do with him. That and the fact they always just knew when he died they'd get his superannuation money. Now they know they won't be getting that. That is the kind of adults both parents raised, this is the kind of people these 30 something's like to be. With mum passed away, and families of their own, they could choose to treat their father with respect. The fact that they don't is all on them now. Life is far better now that they stay out of our lives, they can hate all they like, but not in my home.

peacemaker's picture

I think many of the issues I read about on this site, are all symptoms of a WAY deeper problem...They are all the same when you get down to it...For the life of me I have been searching what the deeper core issue is....I know the one common denominator we all have is that we have chosen to marry divorced men who have pre-existing children/with many unresolved issues ...therefore, creating all these symptoms... you can't keep beating your head up against a symptom, and expect things to get better...because if the core issue is not dealt with...another symptom pops up wearing a different mask...and the cycle begins to repeat itself over and over... where as a stepmom, you feel trapped on a merry-go-round that you cannot get off from unless you totally disengage...Well I have disengaged because, as adults now... none of them seem be working on their own issues...What the real issues are....So, I figured, if I pulled myself out completely....they would have to eventually, at the very least blame someone else...Well I had a huge epiphany, and I now realize I will never return to the merry-go-round, ever-again...nor am I going to waste any more of this precious life God gave me...just sitting there watching them...It's like watching a rerun over and over and over...sort of like the movie...ground hog day.

I'm quite uninterested in that process now, and have communicated with my H how I feel...He is finally seeing it for what it is...They still try to put Him in a position of choosing between Me or them, because it is all they know...after 25 plus years you would think they would get it...but...it goes back to their identity and their core beliefs.....they have now lowered themselves to the predictable move of pulling away the grandchildren. (A tactic taught to them by their BM) Well He has chosen...as we both leave the merry-go-round, hand in hand, running to try and catch a sunset or two...leaving all of them still on it spinning and spinning...as I look at him and say "How long do you think it will be before they notice we've left"? Then I catch myself and.... I think to myself...."Who Cares:?

ยป

Amber Miller's picture

Notasm,
I really enjoy reading your posts. You always have good advice and helpful perspectives.
Amber

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Hi Henri003,

I wish i had a clear answer to your dilemma, but i don't right now. It is a very unpleasant situation that you find yourself in, and i feel for you.

Your SD seems more troubled than many of her peers. Her behavior during her wild years is indicative of some serious underlying issues. Can you tell us more? She really jumped into the deep end. Was she clinically depressed? a danger to self and others? To be involuntarily committed you need to have some scary stuff going on. Who got her hospitalized? Is she bi-polar? Did she have a rough childhood? How did BM end up abusing her? Is she making it all up?

I am not of the opinion that your DH needs to apologixe to her for something her did not do. Going to therapy with her shows his dedication to her mental health. If she is stuck in the 20-somethings prevalent mode of the-whole-world-owes-me-a-picture-perfect-life, she may need to grow up before any kind of real relationship is possible. If she is revisiting her own childhood now that she has a baby, she should be open to something other than blame game.
Sometimes our parents can only do so much for us. She is stuck in an immature pattern. Is she stable now, mood wise? Is she medicated? Sudden change towards you does not point towards emotional stability.

henri003's picture

Thank you and I too think that his commitment to arranging and paying for therapy with her shows his dedication, as well as his continuing commitment to engage with her after years of her pushing him away. Per my post after our gathering, there are likely many mental health issues here. Her father and mother got her hospitalized when she told them she wanted to kill herself; this after the disappearance and reckless events I spoke about. From what my husband says, the BM's abuse was mostly verbal with some physical. She tells him there was more physical than he knew about and that she protected her little brother as much as she could.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Having babies of their own can sometimes make women like this far worse than they evet were. When my husbands daughter had her first child she told dh if he wanted to see it he had to leave me. She deliberately conceived that child to be used as a nuclear weapon against daddy. That child will be three next birthday. Dh hasn't seen it but his 89 year old father has, now he no longer speaks to us. She couldn't break up our marriage with that child so she destroyed our relationship with dhs father. This woman has some serious karma coming her way.

Amber Miller's picture

Just wait until her little nuclear weapon gets older and enters his wonderful teen years. He will drive her nuts as my teens are doing to me. They can't help it, they are designed to drive their parents crazy. Sit back and enjoy }:)

henri003's picture

Thanks all for your comments; they provided me much needed perspective and I truly appreciate everyone's input. I will take some time to thoughtfully respond after the gathering tonight. I'm sure I'll need you all again then!

livia007's picture

It could be that "disengaging" is not only for stepmoms.

henri003's picture

The roller coaster continues. SD was good as gold to me; friendly, engaging, attentive. Even a big hug at the end. Best of all, baby was entertaining and Grandpa (husband) and I got to play with him. All in all an enjoyable time. Thus the roller coaster; we go abruptly down, then we lurch up.

The long and short of it is that yes, my husband's brother had severe bipolar disorder and I think we can all see where those genes went. Plus, SD's maternal grandmother was probably undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, which was probably a strong factor for SD's mother's emotional scars and subsequent poor parenting skills. So maybe those genes found a home too? The perfect storm of bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder; poor child!

So how do I feel? Relieved, perplexed, with the knowledge that I'm headed for an ambiguous future with SD.