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SD no longer wants to be around us.

Onceuponatime92's picture

Submitted by Onceuponatime92 on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 10:37pm

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Adult Stepchildren

I am at a loss, not sure what to do. I am currently pregnant with my first, so I am hoping hormones are at a high, ha. SD20 has been on her own since she was 18. She's done a wonderful job, kept a place, job and bought a car. We were very proud. Here more recently she started having some issues. Changing jobs, got her license suspended and had to move out of her house due to conflict with a roommate. She moved in with BM. They have been known to be more friends than mother/daughter. 
when SD was in high school she moved in with DH and I and thrived through high school, then she moved on her own, was doing great. She started spending more time with her BM and now she is losing everything. On top of it all she never contacts me, is mildly polite when I see her, and she only calls DH when she needs something. 
It feels awful, and we used to all be so close, but she has pulled away and im not sure about her right now.

I've been trying to disengage from her some, be polite and hope it blows over, but is that realistic? Should I completely disengage from her? I guess am hoping she will "come back to us", in a way. But I'm just at a loss.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 11:01pm

At her age, she's busy becoming an adult.  I'm sure she's as self-centered as we all were at that age.  I'd consider it normal development and not stress about it.

The situation with BM doesn't sound ideal but that is her mother and it is what it is.  I wouldn't take it personally at all.

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 5:54am

To have. Anything else is not important right now.

my skids are sd27, ss23.5 and sd17. My kids are 4 & 5, they have no seen, video call or chat to skids since mid-late 2018. There is no relationship with them- their loss, not ours. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 6:19am

Yes, disengage. My guess is that there is some upset about you having a baby that she and BM are stewing on together. But this type of BM will inevitably let her down and show her true colors. 
 

Just be polite and pleasant, don't reach out to her, and focus on your baby.  

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 6:29am

I understand fully. While I've never been close to most of DHs kids, the youngest did live with us multiple times, once for an entire year. I did my best to do "right" by him and for a few months, we got along great and he was thriving in our home. But the BM and oldest SD were big PAS operators and destroyed anything we had or could have had. While I'm completely cut off from all SKs, I do still "mourn" what could have been with the youngest. Having to watch him go back to BM, fail his Senior year, be taken advantage of by some crazy church group and floating from job to job (all very scam type stuff) was very difficult.

I think you may be dealing with some PAS; also consider, as someone said, she's "spreading her wings" and going into adult life. I would just stay polite but not go out of my way to communicate. Focus on your child and family. Easy to say, I know. It does take a while to process the hurt of not doing anything wrong but being "rejected." 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 8:42am

I feel like most (even well adjusted young adults) pull away and even lose their way a little in their early 20's. She wants to be young and have fun- if BM is all about that life, of course they are going to be closer right now. However, all you can do is hope she will do some more maturing and settle down in a few years. 

MissTexas's picture

Submitted by MissTexas on Sat, 10/23/2021 - 5:08pm

w "adult steps."

It's simple: you're having a baby and that poses a threat to her inheritance. That's all they care about is the money.

My DH's "adult kids" are very wealthy, and SD told me once that she was so fed up with her dad a long time ago, with his marriages and divorces, BUT, because he has significant assets/inheritance to offer, she DID NOT WRITE HIM OFF. Sadly, he's given them everything while he's still living and they have virtually NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.

You are living the life we all only dream about living. NO ADULT STEPMONSTERS TO CONTEND WITH~

Lucky you!

harmony98's picture

Submitted by harmony98 on Sat, 10/23/2021 - 5:37pm

Have you talked to her about the new baby ,?