SD might be apologizing... here's my possible response. Input encouraged
After a gigantic blow-up 5 days ago (wherein I was called an f'ing bitch and referred to as "that thing") DH thinks SD20 is wanting to apologize because she's "tired of the drama" and just wants things to "be civil".
I can appreciate that in HER mind, she thinks she helping matters by apologizing and trying to make things better. However, it's clear she is NOT apologetic nor having any regrets about how she spoke to me or even WHY she did it or feels the way she does.
If she does apologize (anytime soon)... here is my potential response:
"So... SD... what are you apologizing for?"
"I appreciate that you are apologizing but I don't think you fully understand what has happened and how it has affected me and our family. I think you need to do a lot of soul-searching to try and learn why you feel the way you do towards me. And until you can really understand your feelings, I don't feel I can accept your apology."
Accept her apology. I will
Accept her apology. I will accept anyone's apology. However it doesn't mean I'll have anything to do with them in the future. Ever.
i havent been the same since
i havent been the same since i caught my sd16, that was 13 bACK then, calling me the whore...she apologized cause her dad told her to do it or else she wouldnt be welcome in our house.
i let it go....never threw it in her face, especially afetr everything freakin thing ive done for her and her stupid mother....but im not the same!
This. I think what I wanted
This. I think what I wanted to say was "acknowledge her apology" but then don't feel pressed to have anything to do with her.
I would never forgive some of the things that steps have done here.
My SS14 ran away over the summer. I caught him and he said he was going to live with his druggie BM because there were no rules there. I explained to him that if he did that, he would never see me again. He said that he knew that.
He has since apologized and I acknowledged that he is probably sorry. It didn't change the fact that I feel differently towards him now. I think I always will. Less trusting or something.
I learned long ago that most
I learned long ago that most people who apologize actually don't mean it...that does not mean ALL people, that means MOST. And MOST will go back to their ways pretty darn quickly.
PS - idiot MIL with her BS sorry to DH for almost 8 years...sure, whatever
Meh, I would say "OK" and
Meh, I would say "OK" and forget about her. SD27 and I did the apology thing a few years ago. It didn't last. My life is better without her in it.
As Newwife3 said, why waste your time?
My SD would probably rather
My SD would probably rather poke her eye out than apologize LOL. She is a real piece of work. Thinks her poop doesn't stink. If she ever did apologize I would never believe it was sincere and know that she would be up to her old tricks in no time. I would just say OK, thanks and carry on. I don't think I can forgive my SD either.
same here. sd19 will never
same here. sd19 will never apologize for the horrid things she's done, because she truly believes she can do no wrong. i'm the one who is wrong to still be angry long after she's forgotten about what she's done. in her world, i'm holding a grudge.
if she were to give me a fake apology, i would give her a fake "ok" and not say anything more about it. it really doesn't matter that she will never apologize because what she has done is unforgivable and even a genuine apology wouldn't change a damn thing.
I would think that at her age
I would think that at her age a genuine apology would have been one directly to your face without first going through daddy. I think most of the apologies from these adult SD's are not about being sorry for what they said and/or did, they are about keeping daddy on a string, if they know they have crossed a line with daddy they will apologise or sell their souls whatever it takes to keep their puppet on his string. My dh told SD to apologise (once) her apology was...........I am sorry YOU FEEL THAT WAY. DH thought her apologising for my feelings was an apology and couldn't understand why I was less than impressed. So happy relaxed and at peace since that evil woman is no longer in my life.
Apologies do not come through daddy if they are genuine, nor are they asked or forced. A genuine apology is when a person realises themselves they have done the wrong thing and without discussing it with daddy or being asked to give it, they of their own free will approach the person they have wronged and say, look I am sorry I did/said whatever. When they go through daddy it is only to see if they can manipulate him by a false apology. I would not accept an apology from her. Bet she wouldn't knock on your front door when you were home alone and give you a one and one apology eiher she would do it in front of an audience one member of which would be daddy, because she would only be doing it for daddy not because she is sorry about the hurt she caused you. Now, I apologise if I am wrong and she is different to most of the others, howe3ver time will tell I guess. I hope for your sake I am wrong.
EBU, I think you are right on
EBU, I think you are right on with this. This does not look like a real apology but rather a manipulation tool. But I am absolutely FLOORED that anyone would think, "I am sorry you feel that way" is a sincere apology. I had to laugh at how your SD and DH sound so much like mine. Sorry - and I mean it.
Nice version: I accept your
Nice version: I accept your apology and hope we can try to along for (spouse)'s sake.
Not so nice version: Whatever, I don't really give a crap, see ya!
Mean version: F-U you 2 face biotch, get out and never come back in my house again or I will have you arrested for trespassing
I would probably say #1 while thinking #2 lol
Sandye21 I am quite certain
Sandye21 I am quite certain my DH would not have accepted the I'm sorry you feel that way apology for himself from anyone (except his princess) for himself. He was just desperate for me to accept it to make his precious one happy. God Im glad she's gone.
I think if someone hurts you and is genuinely sorry they would not need to discuss apologizing with a third party they would face you directly and say I'm sorry. When they go through dad like this it is for two reasons to manipulate dad again and to get him to pretty much do the apology for them so they don't have to bother. Because truth is they are not sorry at all for their actions they are only sorry SM is making a big deal of it therefore dad is being made to notice their behavior.
I agree with you - an apology
I agree with you - an apology through a third person is hardly sincere or valid. I guess it's the only type of apology you will get out a narcissist. And dear old Dad is saying, "Well, at least SD is trying", right?
So…. SD20 did apologize. Long
So…. SD20 did apologize. Long story short, it sounds like she talked at length w/ someone she works with who is also a stepmom. Sounds like she was able to gain some perspective that she has never had before and is beginning to understand where I'm coming from. I did point out that the hatred she spewed was not something that just came about on Friday... that it was something that's been brewing for a long time and that she needs to do some soul searching to figure out why she feels that way. And, it will take me a long time to fully recover from what she said to me.
I don't think I gave her the reaction she was looking for. I could tell she was fairly annoyed. And I really didn't care. I did apologize for grabbing her arm and explained it was completely unintentional. So at least I did my "adult" duty there. ha ha
So yah... that's it in a nutshell. Will be interesting to see how things go as we continue along. I am not interested in just pretending that all didn't happen. And if she doesn't like my new attitude (hey! Jen is gonna stand up for herself if it kills her!!!), then she can get the hell out. Husband is fully behind me.
I very much want him to charge her rent. I just don't know if I can get him to agree to it. I don't understand his resistance. I truly don't. But.... ONE STEP AT A TIME. I can't expect him to change overnight. All of this didn't happen overnight. I need continued patience but at the same time I will NOT tolerate being treated like crap by his daughter any longer.
I think not, given she was
I think not, given she was apparently not happy with Jen's reaction to her apology and clearly showed it, the writing is on the wall. It would appear that she was only giving the apology in order to get something for herself..........gee whiz how unusual.
Ask him to charge her rent so
Ask him to charge her rent so she learns about life and financial management. Suggest he without telling her put the money into an interest bearing account so when she is ready to move out she has a little nest egg and a good idea on how to manage money. Bonus with them paying rent is they resent it and think they could live on their own rather than pay board at home.
Very interesting to hear that
Very interesting to hear that you have a wish for DH to charge her rent. This suggests to me that the issue of her paying rent potentially, is in all of your minds. Which further tells me, that she apologised in order to stave off the dreaded moment when DH was going to ask her for rent. Nice try. But it failed.
I agree with EBU, there are a small very small number of times in my long life when I can remember either genuinely seeing the light over some past harm I had done and genuinely approaching someone to apologise, or someone doing the same to me. No way does this get announced to other people in advance if it is true remorse. True remorse is a feeling of awful anguish and it is expressed very fearfully and intimately. It does not go thru third parties.