SD, her dh, & their 4 kids coming for a visit.
Trying to get mentally ready for visit from osd and her family. Of course my dh tells me they are coming (Wednesday) but as usual he does not know the TIME they are planning to arrive (said they were stopping by a friends first), does not know HOW LONG they plan to stay, and not sure how many of the sgkids osd will be leaving with us for a little extended visit. My dh is too AFRAID to even ask.
I have had my fill of working my butt off and washing bedding since the kids ages 9, 6, 3, are all bed wetters. The 3 year old is still in diapers and he runs around with a totally full diaper all the time. When she puts him down for a nap his diaper does not have room for anymore pee pee and therefore it overflows onto the guest room bed where osd simply lays him on top the bed.
Today, I removed my beautiful bedspread and place and nice old one. I have also placed a water proof pad on it. I had already purchased pull ups for the 9 year old and the 6 year old.
My concern is getting push back. I plan to stand my ground. I want to be clam about it but firm. Bottom line is I do not want to be washing bedding EVER DAY while they are here. I know my osd will give me her polite passive aggressive push back and although my dh says he will back me, I do not trust that he will.
Any suggestions?
Thanks
Make OSD clean up any wet
Make OSD clean up any wet beds herself.
why should you do their
why should you do their laundry and wet sheets.....
I would not, I would simply say, OSD you know how the machine works, these are your children be a mother to them.. by the way when are you leaving
This might sound mean (or
This might sound mean (or maybe not), but this is a classic example of the type of idiotness and can't-win situations SMs are expected to put up with and contend with every day. You are married, it is your and your husband's home, and maybe you get a heads-up that his adult children are coming over with the Gkids, but he doesn't know what time they are coming and how long they will be staying, and he doesn't know if any of the Gskids will be staying longer or not. Now keep in mind this is supposed to be both SMs and dad's home.
Then, apparently three out of four of these Gskids piss all over. SD apparently doesn't enforce minimal hygiene requirements and/or is lazy, so at least one of these Gskids is smelly and crapping all over as well. DH could maybe clarify a couple of things, but he is too chicken. Believe me, not even a lot of BMs would put up with this from their own children, but SM is not BM. So, if SM speaks up about these issues in her own home, many will see her as Evil SM, not minding her place, trying to keep a daughter and grandchildren from pops!! How dare she?! And, so on.
So, SM has to wonder what to do? Does she suck it up and take for what has to be close to the millionth time, and let herself be subservient in her own home, picking up after SD, and Gkids pissing all over, cooking and cleaning, and doing quadruple loads of laundry? Doing all of this almost assuredly without a thanks? Or, does SM say to DH, "Not my monkey, not my zoo, maybe you should go out and buy extra laundry detergent since YOU are going to be washing the sheets every night." Or, does SM pack up her bags and leave for a couple of days or week or how ever long it takes? But, why should she leave her own home, and SM may want to see Gskids. Again, what to do? (And, gag!, there are some who would say SM should do #1 for the love of her DH.)
And, I haven't even thrown in the fact that SD may absolutely resent or even hate her SM. So, there may be that for SM to contend with too, all while trying to quickly figure out a way to keep the peace for everyone or do minimal collateral damage. Yeah, it is nuts being a SM. And people wonder why SMs disengage after a while. Anyone who think it is easy should read this. And, sure, it is easy to try to blame chicken DH for all of it, but it goes much deeper than that, and it doesn't resolve the damned if you do and damned if you don't world that the vast majority of SM's live in. This is why I always say a SM has to do what works for her. Let someone else be damned for once vs. just SM.
TRUTH. An insight it took me
TRUTH. An insight it took me years and years and YEARS to finally figure out. Can't imagine how different my life would have been had this forum existed 40 years ago.
^^THIS^^^ Idvilen, This
^^THIS^^^
Idvilen, This speaks for sooooo many. It certainly speaks for me. The only thing I would add is "If sm gives the slightest complaint, she will have the "You hate my kids!" card thrown in her face!
Jam - have you ever said YES
Jam - have you ever said YES I do not like your children cause their parents raised them that way...
This is now when you get the You hate my children card....
I did it once... I looked SO in the eyes and said YES and it's not her fault her parents did not teach her manners, self respect and hygiene..
SO never said anything like that again, guess i hit the nail on the head lol...
UGH…I do NOT understand why
UGH…I do NOT understand why people that come to visit want to stay at the persons house they are visiting. I ALWAYS stay in a motel or our RV when we go out of town to visit family.
Honestly. I would tell DH that something came up and you have to leave for the week. Then go get a hotel near some place cool and enjoy the week thinking of what your DH must be going through.
If you wont do that then you need to let DH deal with EVERYTHING.. Pissy sheets….”DH hun, kid peed the bed, please clean it up and wash the sheets.” NO WAY I WOULD BE WASHING SHEETS. That would be a DH job. I would not say a thing to the SD. She is who she is and is not going to change. If you confront her, it will just make everything more unbearable. Let DH handle it. And if he does not say anything to her, at least HE cleans all pee up.
"If you wont do that then you
"If you wont do that then you need to let DH deal with EVERYTHING.. Pissy sheets….” Definitely! If the situation were reversed, and it was your family, would DH clean up after them?
My SD and her Hubby used to leave their two large dogs with us whenever they went on vacation. The dogs pooped on the carpet, ate my shoes, tore up furniture. On top of that, when SD and Hubby returned they usually stayed with us for a few days - I cleaned up after them AND the dogs. DH did not lift a finger to help nor did he offer to pay for a new pair of shoes or damaged furniture.
I have no idea why we allow ourselves to be sucked into this other than society tells us cleaning up after everyone is our job. It's not. Most of us work to pay part of the finances. We should have the same right to sit on our arse like DH does. The only way your DH will appreciate what you do for his family is to do it himself.
"I would tell DH that
"I would tell DH that something came up and you have to leave for the week."
Thats would I would do too! Refuse to be the on site maid and nanny. If there are wet sheets and bedding let them marinate in them or show SD where the washer is. I'd stow all extra bedding out of sight and make them wash their own damn laundry. Lazy parenting is the worst especially when it comes to potty training and bed wetting. In the end it creates so much more work.
Yep all this. I would either
Yep all this. I would either lay the job at DH's feet or I would book myself a little spa break or something similar for the amount of time they are staying. It is ridiculous that they expect you to be a maid.
Its is hard to keep things
Its is hard to keep things from getting smelly and stained when you have two sets of people who have different tolerance levels for messes.
When SS, SDIL, SGS, SGD was living with us when they were in-between homes, I put plastic sheets under the sheets. SS & SDIL took off the sheets and put them to the side of the room. I put in toddler mattresses ( which are water proof) in the room to get the grands off the adult bed, but they put them out of the room and said when the grands jump on the bed, they are falling and getting hurt. So they still let the grands jump on the big bed which is a queen four poster bed with memory foam. So I taught the grands a little song when I was babysitting and they tried to jump on bed ( they get to do it with their parents) it was "don't jump on the bed or you'll get a bloody head" (I have all tiled floors) they sang the song to their parents, and my SS gave me a dirty look and said" thats a little graffic".
Now they are in their own place and my SS built a coffee table that is sturdy enough for the SGrands to stand and jump on, and he even said he stood on the table and jumped on it so he knows it will be solid enough for his kid to stand on. :jawdrop:
I have many more stories, but my main point is different tolerance levels.
My main beef is, this is my
My main beef is, this is my home and I have MY standards. I don't understand why skids think they can rule THEIR home and then come for a visit and rule MY home as well AND as if I have no say about my environment.
I have plastic sheets on all my mattresses and apparently knowing that, my sd feels it is no big deal if the kids pee the beds. Well it is a BIG DEAL to me.
I have put up with this for years and have come to the end of my rope. I purchased pull-ups for the two older boys and will insist they put them on before bed. I will have to tell sd to please be sure and put the 3 year old on the water proof pad and I will ask her to also please put a dry diaper on him.
I just want to be that no matter what is said in an attempt to make me feel guilty or manipulate me, that I come right back to I simply want to protect my bedding.
I think they know they can do
I think they know they can do it because they can- you provide all that stuff. Sorry, but when my own daughter comes to stay she brings diapers and pull-ups, and if her child make a mess she cleans the sheets. I just wouldn't pander to this at all- you want to protect your bedding? Tell them the kids can't stay until they are dry at night...
Agree fairyo. Over the years
Agree fairyo. Over the years I've become amazed at the expectation of tolerance for behaviors I wouldn't put up with coming from my own children, yet I'm expected to tolerate rude, nasty behavior from my SD. It makes no sense whatsoever. Why stepchildren all too often get a pass is beyond me AND common sense. And in truth it does them no favors in that ultimately they become the kind of people nobody wants to put up with.
I've made so many mistakes,
I've made so many mistakes, including moving here so DH could be near his work. The problem is he is also near his children... I never expected it to turn out like this- when do you stop feeling like the bad guy?
fairyo, could be your very
fairyo, could be your very existence makes you the "bad guy" in the eyes of your SKs. No matter who you are or what you do you're going to be the bad guy. I've been many, many years at this and during most of those years of walking on eggshells and catering to the whims of an outright bully, entitled, nightmare of a SD Ive finally learned that my actions (good, bad or indifferent) really aren't relevant at all. I'm going to be portrayed and treated like the bad guy regardless of anything I do or don't do. By nature I've never been assertive, but I've learned assertive communication. I've always been trustful and have now learned to be distrustful and wary. Finally.. after all those years, I literally don't care anymore. I protect myself and my children because I have to. My SD and her BM continue to relentlessly attempt to deceive, lie, scheme and manipulate. The difference now is that I fully understand their game. And these days they very well know I understand because I've flipped the table. After completely disengaging from them and their entire mess.. I remain neutral... as long as they treat me respectfully. However, when they don't I AM the bad guy and I consider that fact a huge step in personal growth.
With my big mouth, I'd just
With my big mouth, I'd just start calling all of this stuff out while they're within ear shot. "Oh no, the bed is wet! Someone needs to get these sheets in the washer! And don't remake it with my good sheet sets" and then stand there waiting for either DH or skid to strip and wash the bed. They leave a sink full of dishes? "Hey, where did all of these dishes come from? Whoever dirtied these needs to wash them."
Sounds like this has been going on for some time. I always start out being polite and pleasant, but when someone takes advantage or gets rude, my switch gets flipped.
Hide the good sheets/bedding.
Hide the good sheets/bedding. Even if you have to lock them in the trunk of your car. Make it clear to your DH that he is responsible for any soiled bedding. If he does not take care of it, this will be the LAST time they can stay. Next time, they get hotel reservations.
I'd offer the pull ups and
I'd offer the pull ups and let her know that you won't be doing laundry until they leave. If she doesn't want them sleeping in soiled sheets, she should take advantage of your more than kind offer.
Ideas: 1. if sheets are wet
Ideas:
1. if sheets are wet stick them on the parents pillows?
2. Tell them you just found out your home has to be treated for bed bugs and YOU will pay for 2nights at the local Holiday Inn the rest of the time is on them.
3. Tell them this is the last time ANYONE is staying at your house and hand them a list of hotel options. Just saying NO is wonderful and less stressful.
4. REMOVE the beds and store them at your friends house until they leave. and pretend you have taken up crafts? BAHAHAHAH
5. Have a super good friend call you in panic mode asking YOU to come visit her. SORRY DH gotta go I WILL MISS EVERYONE SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH, buh byeeeee.
PLUS tell dh to call Merry Maids before you get home OR never mind he will forget. you call Merry maids and use DH's charge card?
^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
HAHAHA!Funny up there^^^^^^
WILLOW, us too. We would
WILLOW, us too. We would never think to ask anyone to stay at their home.
If we don't want to dish out money for our own accommodations or if we decided not to drive our RV well we will not be there.
WE don't mooch.
use the peed on sheet as a
use the peed on sheet as a table cloth and set out the food plates on it and say sorry, we don't have a tablecloth so we use the guest sheets, and pretend like you don't see or smell the pee. hahahah!
Eee! it sounds horrific. I
Eee! it sounds horrific. I would certainly not look forward to them visiting me. But hey, I put up with a 47 year old step son who had oozing bloody pimples all over his body get into my 2 person hot tub. What worse, when I complained to my ex about it he thought it was no big deal, and got upset with me for even mentioning it. Pissy diapers are a piece of cake!
**update** My dh spoke with
**update**
My dh spoke with sd yesterday. SD plans to arrive at our home around 10pm and then in the morning she will leave sgs9 with us and she will leave with the other 3 sgkids and go to visit her sister (msd29) whom we have been estranged from for 8 years.
So I am glad they are only staying one night and then my dh will take sgs9 home on Saturday. Since I attend church on Saturday's, I will not be going with them, which is really a plus for me as I would like to avoid OSD when ever I can.
So now, hopefully the boys are awake when they arrive so that I don't have to hear "well I really hate to wake them just to put a pull-up on".
why only leave one child
why only leave one child behind and take the rest, why can't she take this one with her then?
poor kid he will fell like the Fedex child.....
JAM Glad this turned out
JAM
Glad this turned out better then originally thought.
OH SD,,,you better stick a pull up on your son. OR turn around and find a hotel. YOU PICK
I would just embarrass her...
I would just embarrass her...
Hey SD did you teach your kids not to piss the bed yet? Didn't think so... I bought them pull ups, because I'm not doing their piss laundry every day like last time you were here... here's the washer/dryer, this is how it works. You don't think you should have to wash bedsheets? That's funny, I don't think I should have pee-soaked furniture... would you rather they sleep on an air mattress with a garbage bag piss sheet?
Also... I'm trying to make plans with some friends... I'd like to know which day I can discuss as a day I can have them over...which day are you heading out? What? I can have them over even if you and the kids are still here? Oh, I appreciate the offer, but they don't deal well with kids who act like yours...
ETA - I had started typing this before your last update, went for lunch and forgot about it lol
I would get out of there, you
I would get out of there, you have to love yourself too lady; if you do not, nobody else will. You do teach people how to treat you. You have to teach husband, now. He is not showing you respect nor has he taught any, it appears.
Leave the house full of p----- to him to slave and clean.
In the meanwhile, enjoy your peaceful time away in super clean sheets.
You can ask them to sleep on
You can ask them to sleep on the floor on a comforter, just like my ex girlfriend of 40 years wanted me to do at her house a couple of years ago. No need for good bedding, just put an old shower curtain down then an old blanket or comforter. Or go invest in those doggy beds, they are really durable and can withstand a lot of abuse. I am surprised my ex girlfriend did not think of that.
I am so glad for you that your sd will be spending most of her time elsewhere. If she had not you could have always waken up at 4:00am and put the music or tv on nice and loud, run the blender for a smoothie, and vacuum. I sure having her sleep disrupted would surely end her mini vacation with you quickly.