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SD after her BF died

Flustered's picture

My DH died about 6 mos ago. We were married 25+ years, after our children were over 18. My BD never lived here, his BD / my SD moved out in 6 mos.  My BD is married w/ kids and he adored her/ them. My SD was never a fan of him remarrying anyone. So, after he died she came to get things specifically left to her. This was fine. Brought her SO . While we got things, I suspect SO took things she wanted because they are missing ( Ive looked since that day/ and they were there ever since she left) I can't prove it. Problem? She has more things to get  ( she also cannot just walk in as I changed locks)/ my BD and her husband can't make it to help me watch what walks out from SD and her SO. Having anyone else here then is a red flag to accuse SD of taking things. ( she swears she hasn't). All things she wants are in garage, some specifically left to her. Al I justified locking house and telling her garage only? ( relationship always testy if her BD was not around/ her BM died when she was a teen and she put her on a pedestal - definitely what her BD/ my husband said of the marriage)

Ispofacto's picture

Trust your gut.  If you feel she took things, you're probably right.  That goes on a lot in stephell, skids feel resentment when their bioparent remarries, and they feel entitled to whatever they want.  She may think everything in 'his' house is 'his', therefore 'hers', but you were married for a long time and you and your DH's possessions were accumulated jointly as marital property.  She's only entitled to what was left for her specifically, and if she wanted more, she should have asked.

 

Flustered's picture

That is the entire issue. She's acting entitled.  Expects all from time prior to our marriage/ during our marriage /and has even asked how much $ will be when I go. I told her I'm not planning on going anywhere. My BD pointed out up to now? You honor my SF/ your DH's wishes. After he died? What he left is hers and now what he left you is yours - as is anything you make ($) in the future or buy. I guess I'm really kind of afraid of my SD- she'd never pull this when her father was around and if she started, he'd say " just don't engage with her" ( she's always been bossy and acted entitled). I'm just glad my BD has sense. I'm just not out of grief and watching this " gimme" SD who hasn't wanted any of this 25 years? Painful

BobbyDazzler's picture

my oldest SS will behave the same shameless way.  It's excellent that you had the locks changed.  If she doesn't understand or feels offended by that, too bad.  All you have to say is "it's my house"...make that your mantra.  There are things in this house that my DH would want his sons to have.  Anything beyond that, they can kiss my Irish arse.  Protect yourself.  Sounds like your SD needs some therapy and that's not your problem.

CLove's picture

And be very clear about them. You could go the extra mile and get nanny cams just in case there is a "misunderstanding" or someone needs to use the restroom.

Flustered's picture

No, I think its going to be " garage only". She has asked for a new key and was told no. I changed alarms and codes. Why? His family members, in the over 50 years he owned this place, got keys. I have my home, I have what he left me. Anything she got? Same $ value went to my BD/ his SD. We had a 50/50 shared marriage. My BD/ his SD honored that and loved him dearly as did her kids. My SD? I've been dirt under her feet 25 years but I've honored her fathers wishes. I hope that she takes ALL of what is hers and doesn't pull anymore stuff.

Ispofacto's picture

She asked for a key???  I'd love to know what her explanation was for that audacity.

Put on your b!tch boots and don't be shy about setting boundaries with her.  Once she has what she is legally entitled to, block her.

 

BobbyDazzler's picture

Thank you; gives me pause for thought!

reedle2021's picture

I don't think you are wrong at all putting things that were left for her in the garage.  She has no business in your house.  I feel like maybe she just wants in the house to pick through things and take whatever she wants, even if it rightfully belongs to you.  Put what was left for her specifically in the garage and keep the house and your belongings/what DH left you locked up tight.  Like Stepmomnorth wrote, tell her you put X things in a bag/box in the garage for her to come pick up on X date.  End of conversation.  And hopefully end of her bugging you about coming to get things that are hers.

I am very sorry for your loss also.  I lost my dad suddenly 18 months ago and it still hurts terribly.  **HUGS**

Flustered's picture

Thank you. It was a totally unexpected death. Hard on everyone. But screams of " I've lost both parents" from a 44 year old who lost her mother 30 years back? She should feel blessed she had her father to 44! ( my parents were both gone by the time I was 25). She just expected a big $$$   as well as items. She was left a small $$/ as was my BD and she got things. It is the taking of other things ( my or our things) that hurts.

CLove's picture

I am very sorry for your loss. This haggling has got to hurt...

so - be good to YOU.

BobbyDazzler's picture

to go shopping in your house. Nor does her SO.  That's called stealing.

Mountains's picture

Your comment was spot on.  My SD (63) was after my DH for years for his things until he finally told her "Hey, I am not gone yet...and our house isn't a pawn shop"...  she got offended (lol).  
 

I have no intention of allowing SD in our house ... she would walk off with whatever she could stuff in her purse.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

I am sorry for your loss. Its hard enough to grieve, and then BS thrown your way from an entitled lil B.

You have respected your deceased DH wishes, so its done. Anything more lil miss B can go to hell . Tell her that too. Let it fly. For too long you have had to keep the peace for DH's sake, your duty is done.

Let it rip and no more for SD. If she has everything DH willed to her, block her and keep everything locked. I wouldnt even let her on your property unless you are there.

 

 

ESMOD's picture

I would gather and label all the things that were left to her specifically in the will.. put them in a specific place in the garage.. I would have the page from the will with the bequeath to her notated with "picked up June 1 2022".. whatever the first date of her picking things up... and then I would have the remainder items noted to be picked up on her 2nd trip.

I would then send her a message... 

SD, I have gathered the remaining things that were left to you in your father's will and set them aside in the Garage.  Please let me know what day you plan to come pick them up.. they should all fit in a car or small truck based on what I am seeing (send a pick of the "pile". )

You could have someone with you and if she tries to engage about more.. or your will.. you can say.. we aren't going to discuss any of that.. I need for you to take the things your father left you today... I have provided you with the full list from the will so you can be sure you were given everything you were entitled to.

CajunMom's picture

I'm so sorry for your great loss. Compounded even more by what your SD is doing.

You've changed the locks, codes, etc. Make sure all the windows are lock. Get an alarm system if you don't already have one. Review the will and give her EVERY item listed there. No more. If there are things she wants that are considered joint items (between you and DH), tell her to give you a list and you will put that in YOUR will as you plan to use those JOINT assets until you pass. I'd STRONLY consider having her items delivered to her home by a service (well worth the money, in my opinion). Tell her you cannot be home when she wants to come so instead of her having to wait on you, you want to have it delivered to her so it gets to her in a timely manner <eye roll> but you get my point. I would not even let her in my garage. 

Best to you.

ESMOD's picture

Great idea to have things sent to her.. and I would include that will list that would detail when she got each and every item.

Birchclimber's picture

I agree with ESMOD and CajunMom.  If you can get a delivery service to deliver the stuff, then do that, but label everything and stick a copy of the will on it.  Then take photos.  LOTS of photos of it all being loaded into the truck.  That way she can't say that something was left behind and she needs to come have a look for it.

Finally, end her visits to your house.  If she says that she wants to come visit, tell her that it's a bad time and you'll go visit her instead once you have more time.  She should never have to step foot in your house again.  And after the way she's treated you for the last 25 years of your life, you should never have to endure another moment of your precious time with her either!

I still believe that everytime my adult SDs and now my adult SGDs came to visit, they were taking a mental inventory of what they thought that they were entitled to if my DH passed first.  One of my SDs actually asked my DH if she could have a print that was hanging on OUR wall.  "Can I have that print when you're done with it?"  I jumped in and said that "WE are not going to be done with OUR print anytime soon.  I like that print quite a bit and we are not going to be parting with it."  I just know that I will be dealing with the same stupidity that you are encountering, if my DH predeceases me, even though we have what is supposed to be, an iron-clad will. 

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, while still grieving the loss of your husband.  Please take care of yourself, and try to minimize your contact with SD in whatever way that you can.  You are now in the driver's seat of your life.  Embrace your power.

BobbyDazzler's picture

he's made the rounds in my house stating 'when you don't want that, I'll take it'.  It ended when I told him to stop shopping in my house.  Obnoxious and so self-entitled.

Flustered's picture

My problem is this is not a small amount of things. Its tools. From small to large. Hand and electric. Many of them. While I'll be happy to get rid of most of them, as I can't and won't use them and because she says she will leave me tools for the house ( which I can separate), she even wants cabinets on the wall and a rolling tool cart - which I will use. A cabinet for a  tool for is not, in my definition, a tool..  it is because we didn't list every single item / good lord, there were so many!

justmakingthebest's picture

Can you hire a couple of movers and get a U-haul and deliver it yourself. One trip and done with the non-sense?

BobbyDazzler's picture

what your dear DH said he's like her to have.  Other than that, she's out of luck.  Many Blessings to you.  So sorry for your loss.

Renewed's picture

She's well into her adult years, right? If things are missing since she was there, you have every right to keep a careful watch.

I have a similar issue of my mother's ring disappearing and I suspect DH's XW took it but I can't prove it. Take care of yourself and your things.

Flustered's picture

This is my dilemma. Things missing could have been at her direction to her SO while we were removing things that were hers. As of now? He doesnt return. She was told

Flustered's picture

she came to get items ( many) week 1. Nothing since. All are big items. Now she wants all more. I want them gone. I don’t want items gone which are “ nebulous” (as nice bolted to wall) cabinets she says these are in so they are part. Talked to her aunt to come and help me check off. Lots of helpthere - she started crying and said “ it IS her house, she grew up there”. BOSH! She wanted none of this almost 25 years. Now it’s wanting everything of her Dads. I’m not letting her in house. I’ll try to get one of my DH’s good buddies to just “ come over” to guard with me. If it was her mother’s, she can have it. If her father left it, she can have it. If not specific, she can’t.

** I should not neither she or my BD want this house ( each has one), so it is protected until I die for me in a  life estate under this SD. . My BD is buying the other house we own from me and will inherit it. She holds a life estate on that/ both are to protect estate. This house to be sold, proceeds split when I’m gone. There is jealousy there from SD, who sees this as “ getting less”. (BD is my executor.). Both in 40s/ I’m 70s.  Never had this garbage before DH died ... he adored both and BD ( his SD)’s grandkids. ( she has none and part of jealousy that he loved SD kids)

not like I won’t give her anything I associate w/ her BF in my will. Just think this “ vulture behavior” is horrid, the WAY she does it.

 

Flustered's picture

Agreed! Italso has a rolling cart below withdrawers/ a set he made. Opinion on that? It hasn’t been moved in over 24 years.

Rags's picture

If not attached to the structure, it is personal property.

Either way, I would not allow her to have the built-ins or the cart.

Not with her acting as the shit that she is.

Birchclimber's picture

At this point, you might consider contacting your lawyer and have him draft a letter telling her that you will be dividing up the items that she is "entitled to in accordance with the will", and that she should be prepared with a suitable vehicle for transport (if the items are large), on October 30th between the hours of 10AM to 6PM.   In the letter, have your lawyer instruct her to confirm that date with HIM/HER or to select one that will be mutually suitable.  Have your lawyer provide her with the repercussions of not picking the items on the date agreed upon. ( Ie.  If she doesn't pick them up on the scheduled date, you will be donating them to charity or selling them or dropping them off on her driveway once you arrange a delivery service at your convenience but at her expense.)  Whatever legal recourse you have in your state.  Finally, have your lawyer be clear that after her pick up date, the matter will be final and closed.

Then, have DH's friend come over and the two of you can start to divide the items.   Put her items in an area separate from yours and on her moving day, move them outside of the garage if possible. 

If you need that cabinet to house the tools that you will be keeping, then KEEP the cabinet.  If your DH built drawers to go under the cabinet and YOU want them, then keep that too.  If grandma were to leave you her China set, that does not mean that you are entitled to her china cabinet as well.

Do not allow her back into your home, not even to go to the bathroom, unsupervised. ...Better yet, bring out a bucket and stick it in the garage, just in case!

Flustered's picture

I like the China/ cabinet analogy. We went thru that. He left her hunting rifles and ammo( I dont hunt) and she wanted the safe too. Nope. All household papers are in it. Seriosly?

Flustered's picture

Ugh. Horrible day. A big  box truck is what she and SO came with for big power tools. She got many and then took some of my personal hand tools in the haul. I needed her to fix a high 2x4 in basement. Took 3 min. Yep, the SO raided my drawer again. I put away all my personal tools after they left. Enough. This is BS. She even took a sign I got my husband at an estate sale. Not that I wanted it, but ask! Now, she can make an appt when my SIL is here with me -- and no SO Comes except for 2 huge power tools ( both over 250 lbs). 
 

i locked house door for all but 3 min

BobbyDazzler's picture

My DH and I (of 16 years) have 5 children.  He has 2 sons and I have 2 daughters and 1 son.  My daughters love their stepfather, my son is grateful for him (his stepfather loves his mother). BOTH my stepsons are liars.  The oldest one is toxic and quite the DB, in my opinion, and the opinion of others.  The oldest SS is self-important, sneaky when it suits him, condescending and, I believe, quite the narcissist.  My DH turns a blind eye to him and his personality.  He doesn't bother with his father and I'm okay with that because it keeps this particular SS at a distance. I've disengaged from him, his wife, and his kids. I have lost sleep thinking about what a horror my oldest stepson would be if my husband were to pass away. (I know this sounds morbid as there's no immediate cause of worry in this regard).  I actually became so obsessed with how he'd bully me (he's tried to intimidate me in the past) that I typed out a list of things to do in case of my DH's death.  One of the 1st items will be to have all the locks changed in my house.  If that sounds paranoid, it's not.  I don't trust my oldest SS as far as I can throw him and that isn't far.  I'm going to read through all the other responses.  Thank you for posting this and I pray for the best for you! 

Birchclimber's picture

Oh BobbyDazzler, I can completely relate to your obsession with how you will be treated by your SSs if your DH should pass first,.  I have a mental to do list as well, if that should happen to me.  Installing cameras and an alarm system is on the top of my list.  Alerting neighbors/friends that I may need them at the drop of a hat for support if I get an unexpected visit from any of skids/grandskids.   I can't help but think that reading Flustered's post is like reading into my future. 

I am obsessed with my SD's obsession with our Will and property.  I have told my DH that my YSD's is going to create havoc for me if he should pass first.   She has made it clear to him that she is on the warpath where our will's are concerned, but he just shrugs his shoulders and says that we have a will in place, and I'm sure that she won't create a problem!  What??  Is he serious?  Talk about turning a blind eye....   She's doing it NOW and he's still alive! .  ...but what else can he do??

Part of me wants to believe that the will is enough, but the other part of me is obsessively documenting everything that the SD's say, everything that my DH says, putting together files of emails, recorded messages etc.  I hate that I have become this paranoid and anxious.  I have watched my YSD lie and manipulate her way through her entire life to get what she wants, and somehow, she's been fairly successful at it.  It floors me that some people don't see through her.

I'd like to know from Flustered:  Did you see this coming?  Was there any indication that your YSD was going to behave this way prior to your DH's passing?  Did you ever discuss your wills with her prior to his death?   Or, is this a new ugly side to her?

tfsimmons's picture

Is put a stipulation in your & (DH's) will that ANYONE who challenges the Will would immediately be removed...  Give yourself some peace of mind on this sensitive subject - but get DH on board - as he should be...  You have more power than you know - don't be afraid to use it - especially for a situation as crucial as this!  Get it done or rewrite your future completely - together and with love.

Flustered's picture

Stipulations... Well that thing about stipulations, After everything that has gone on with my DH well, the probate attorney was shocked at some of the behavior And must have said something to the lawyer who writes the wheels because this time when I redid my will? Not that I was changing anything except the executor obviously my DH is not there -- The last line in my new will says "if you are not in this will you were intentionally left out". I didn't ask for that specific wording but I love it

Flustered's picture

Bottom line… No..... And I guarantee you my DH did not see it coming either. There was quite a bunch of stuff that was always clearly understood to be hers and that went out within the first month. I had no problem with it. My BIL Was always here when she came. That took care of 99% of the things in the house. For what it's worth none of them were anything I wanted Except for two or three little things. It's when she hit the garage and decided that the Terminology of tool versus power tool was simply to her interpretation/or when she looked at my coolers in the rafters and said oh they'll be good out of the property and I said no they're mine/I mean that's how petty this thing is she even wants my Coleman coolers which I brought here. Definitely not nobody saw this coming. Not DH Or his sister or her husband or my BD or my SIL or any of my husbands buddies. None of them saw this coming. This is a side of her we have never seen. I guarantee you by DH is turning over in his grave.

BobbyDazzler's picture

Yes, leave things meant for her ONLY in the garage (or outside the garage weather permitting) and deny them access into the house. They've shown you who they are; don't ignore it.

DPW's picture

Enough of her. Get your lawyer to send her a final notice of pick up and advise that any future contact go through your lawyer. You need to remove yourself from her ability to harass you and you engaging with her. Give her one more shot and picking up stuff, with a list beforehand, and have the stuff ready for her on the driveway when she arrives. I would not even allow her in the garage. 

CLove's picture

And your update - your personal tools? Hopefully there is NOTHING more that you need to send her, or need to get rid of. If you dont hunt but have all the stuff, can you sell it? Or that sign - can you ask for that back? Im mad for you!

Flustered's picture

My BIL stores his motorcycle here winters/ always has & Ive got the room. He was in shock to SEE pics of what was done and he said he's  coming whenever she wants anything so nothing walks. First thing he said was " you know, the tool cabinets and cart and box are all part of the house and not hers. You store stuff there. They are yours, they're not tools!". I plan to keep one toolbox thats in the house- should hold my stuff ( set of house tools) fine.

he's the last person I figured would be shocked and come to my aid -- but I'm REALLY glad he did.

Flustered's picture

My SIL came by and was shocked

His first words" she really cleaned you out, didn't she? Oh yeah. I pointed out all the rest that is " hers" and he shook his head. I had pulled out some of my tools and my Dads to give to him. Nothing fancy but I don't want them gone.... except to BD and him for my GK. Told him heirloom tools of mine weren't going to rust in an unheated  cabin if taken. He promised to care for them for my GK.

i know SD will be back. Dont know when. I do know my BIL and SIL will be there.

Ispofacto's picture

She got her stuff, tell her it's over.

 

Winterglow's picture

This I-m so happy

Tell her she already got more than she was entitled to. If she tries to force her way past you, call the cops immediately.

Flustered's picture

Update on SD drama. She had filled the section where her uncle put his motorcycle for the winter in my garage I told her come over and clean it. She did and took more tools and I was very happy with it. I gave her some more from the house. At the same time I asked her to return several items to me which she took. One of them she said it was my mothers I'm not bringing it back/I said no your father gave it to me and it was actually his mothers/her answer? All the more reason for me to take it . There is several other back-and-forth's and I'm dealing with a 44-year-old woman here. When my BIL and SIL/SIL is my husband's sister, come over so he can drop off his motorcycle they were horrified and told me 1) Don't let her in for anything without an appointment 2) Don't let her boyfriend on the property he has sticky fingers 3) Put padlocks on all of the big tool cabinets at my DH built as well as get a locksmith to change the combination on my safe. They said she's had seven months she has not gotten it done it's time for this to end. This is what all of you told me but having my family and that of my DH backing me up? Against their blood family? I now feel relieved. I also called my lawyer to let her know what is going on. I'm asking her advice as to whether I should take SD entirely off of the world except for money/investments that my husband and I made during marriage/ if SD Thanks everything up until the day her father died should be hers? Then we should have everything from the day I married him up until the day he died split 50-50 as it is in our wills and then everything after he died is 100% my daughters my BD/ Who obviously is my husband's SD. I can't believe a 44 year old woman is acting like such a child. Everybody here saw it but now I have my family backing me and it's her blood family backing me not just my own. I think this will be done/between the lawyer and the family she's not coming in again without an appointment and without her uncle here. The SO is not coming on the property again

Winterglow's picture

I suggest you get your lawyer to tell her that, as of now, all communication (including making an appointment with you to get her stuff) must go through her. That should slow your SD down a bit. If she attempts to get into your home or your garage, call the cops. I'd also put up cameras around the place - facing the garage door and windows especially. If either she or her bf come around when you're not there, go after them for trespassing (put up a sign saying that trespassers will be prosecuted if you haven't already).

Yesterdays's picture

You've had to put up with this mistreatment for far too long. Your BIL and. SIL sound very helpful and I would lean on them. I agree with ending all communication with SD, all communication moving forward to go through the lawyer. This is the only way to protect yourself and also it protects your assets. Enough is enough. Time to be done with them and their meddling ways. So you can move on with your life in peace knowing that you are protected. 

Flustered's picture

I did call my lawyer on Friday. She's going to call me on Monday or Tuesday and we are going to work out how this works. I am going to ask her to write my stepdaughter a letter informing her that she hast to get her stuff by such and such a date and she may not bring the BF/SO with her. As two cameras, I already have two in my back porch so you can see anyone trying to get in the back porch window or the from the garage. My SIL/son-in-law put up a motion sensor light so that anytime anyone walks in the driveway day or night it goes on and records. Basically were recording a bunch of animals like deer raccoons squirrels and I even got a turkey one day. Any window that is not on the back porch or on the one side of the house where I don't have cameras are very small 24 x 36 and you couldn't get through them they are up high. The front door is dead bolted and every window in front would be obvious should anyone try to get in. From now on I'm dealing with the lawyer for this lunatic child/child? 44 years old. The great sense of relief washing over me is that my husband's sister and her husband are backing me. This is the woman who basically raised my SD from the time Her mother died to "adulthood"/evidently what she never had.

The hysterical part of all of this? my SD is trying to tell me that she is an empath and cares about people and I am a narcissistic maniac who is projecting my need to keep everything onto her. Excuse me? If her father wanted her to have it he would've put it in the will. He didn't put our possessions in the wheel and what he did put in the will , she basically has gotten or can't be bothered to get in his dragging this out. She took one of those tests that tells you if you're empathetic or caring/it's something that goes a four letter personality. Whatever she got? I guarantee you she's the absolute opposite.

yes as of now everything goes through the lawyer

Yesterdays's picture

That's crazy what your SD said. Making it out as if she is the victim. "Projecting the need to keep everything?" ... That is one of the most ludicrous things I've heard. So she wants to clean you out of your belongings and if you shut it down she makes you seem at fault. Her logic and reasoning is extremely faulty.

Glad to hear you are talking with the lawyer soon. Mention to the lawyer also what kind of things she's texting you. Hopefully she gets her stuff on that date and your lawyer can help you end all contact with her. 

Flustered's picture

Every crazed text she sends is being screenshot and printed, along with anything I answer. The lawyer will get it if there are questions ( my own BD did this when her ex went nuts on her. Her lawyer was impressed)

Winterglow's picture

"a letter informing her that she hast to get her stuff by such and such a date and she may not bring the BF/SO with her"

Do not forget to add something along the lines of "anything that is not collected on that date will be presumed unwanted by you and I therefore reserve the right to do with it as I please" or she'll drag her feet forever (my idiot SIL did this to my BIL when he bought their parents house - she insisted there were things she needed from the place, dragging her feet and effectively stopping her brother from having the house entirely remodeled for over a year).

skidpeace's picture

I have not read every comment yet but I am so sorry. You lost your love and now have to be on guard in your home, that is unthinkable. 

This is your home. She has no right to anything except what was specifically left to her. It seems those of us that are stepmums are very giving so had she been kind she could have gotten.more. You are right to protect yoursf and the items in your home. Sending love ❤️