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AyeGavalt's picture

AyeGavalt's picture

I struggle constantly with seeing my partners kids only call when THEY want something.

They are both adults-21 an d 26. The girl spends zero time with her mom unless she wants to have her pay for a trip, or take her shopping or drop her car to the shop??? The boy flakes on every TINY 20 min appointment to help his mom OR grandpa.

The daughter will literally ring the doorbell an d say LET ME IN! Instead of hello!?

Entitlement reigns. It is PAINFUL to see THIS constantly! How do people deal with this??

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Welcome. Check out Disengagement in the forum section of StepTalk. It's a gamechanger when you step back from the dysfunctional relationship between a partner and their kids.

Kes's picture

A lot of bio parents are scared to hold their kids to standards of reasonable behaviour for fear they will lose the relationship altogether.  Personally I would rather have no relationship with my adult daughters than one in which I am abused and taken advantage of.  But your partner needs to see this for him/herself. 

shamds's picture

Justify this behaviour claiming the kids have been wronged when mummy and daddy divorced... they basically say it’s perfectly acceptable for their kids to behave disrespectfully and not be held to higher standards.

i was raised by parents who held me and my brother to higher standards of basic manners, respect, civility, compassion, empathy and even proactiveness.

its very had to empathize and be compassionate to skids when they behave this way manipulatively

AyeGavalt's picture

Fact! I do not empathize. I tried to until I realized they don't TRY in any way. Don't return texts unless I'm doing something FOR them, don't have manners if their mom's around because she's a doormat.  I finally started reacting to them appropriately so they're probably a little wary of me now. I'm simply not interested in teaching them they can treat me or ANYONE badly without the risk of being called on it.

At any given point if I don't force myself to stop after a single terse sentence I'm at high risk for eviscerating them verbally-and there'd be no turning back from that!

AyeGavalt's picture

Thank you Smile

She collapses into "that's because I'm a crappy parent" self-pity if I ever appear to criticize THEM. The ultimate Catch22 avoiding change and improving. I keep saying THEY ARE ADULTS WITH FREE CHOICE. But her tendency to avoid says it all about what to expect in the future.  
Example, we're moving shortly. Partner has taken 3 days off amid that mess to escort daughter on trip. Daughter announces SHE has to work so really can't help mom move. ??? Well THAT'S equitable.

Son asks mom to come pack for him. She does. She's moving... he's working and we're hiring movers.

If that all goes down as planned it's the final nail for me-will never go out of my way for them again, and will actively campaign to move AWAY when grandpa passes. 

tog redux's picture

Only your partner can stop this behavior, and clearly, she doesn't have the courage to do it.  She's probably afraid these entitled adults will cut her off entirely if she stops catering to them (which sounds good to me, but some people would rather be doormats for their kids than risk being estranged from them).

AyeGavalt's picture

I've asked if she feels she needs to buy their love. 

She says no, yet is concerned that the son has obviously linked up with a sugar mama now who he's allowing to pay ALL his bills, hence his apparent values.

I vascillate between directness and avoidance. Literally every time the idea of the kids being adults or contributing even to their OWN lives comes up I see her start to freak inside, backpedal and make excuses outside.

in the long run I see this as teaching them anything goes rather than respect for us, themselves, others, etc. I have to find a way to love her without enabling this hideous behavior and these lowlife morals.

Life is too short!