You are here

Returning SM

Aprilfools's picture

Submitted by Aprilfools on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 1:26pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

It’s been a long time since I’ve visited this site although throughout the last 7 years, I have mentioned it and recommended it for many friends. Thank you to so many outspoken supportive people here!! Reading others’ experiences helps so much. My marriage has been wonderful for so long (BECAUSE SD WAS OUT ON HER OWN) that it’s very sad to admit that the issues are back, this time with grandkid issues. My DH has a daughter,29 with a toddler and is pregnant again. She is engaged and lives with her bf. My DH has changed into a doting granddad and that’s been cute, to a point. this is hard to say, he’s a pseudo-husband for SD also…. Ick… but true. He has constant communication with her. He has become her only support, so much so that there’s not a weekend that passes without us having to see them Friday Sat and Sunday. They text constantly. They skype. He shops with her, buys her whatever she needs, even bought us everything we need in our house to raise them. He tells her things that he forgets to tell me. He accidently calls me her name sometimes!! I have less choice over what goes on in the house, when they drop by, or what I feel “FREE” to do with my own time/my own family. I have recently pulled away and isolated myself,just to keep a healthy distance from all the weirdness. I know the only thing I can do is focus on me and do my thing and allow them to be a family but he wants me so badly to enjoy this “family time” with them. I love SGD but SD is so rude and puts out a victimized/ helpless/whiney attitude that she is impossible to be around. It’s turning into a scenario lately that feels like he has another woman and another family… bizarre. Enough for now. Any experts on how to move forward without becoming the SM from hell again? :sick:

Cadence's picture

Submitted by Cadence on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 1:50pm

You know, I'm not sure that disengaging is going to work in this case. Before, you were disengaging to skids that were in your house. Now, the threat (for lack of a better word) is outside of your house and your DH's emotions and energy are going to another woman and family. This means that he has less of both of those for you and your family together. Disengaging would mean that you don't have to deal with SD, but it doesn't eliminate how much time and effort he is pouring into another adult woman.

Is he aware that he has become SD's husband? Does he think it is normal to be in this much contact with an adult child (particularly one who shuns his wife)? Can you talk to some other grandparents about how much contact they have with their adult kids to give him an idea that his relationship with his daughter is co-dependent and totally over the top?

I'd tell him that you are all for supporting a relationship with his daughter and her family, but not one to this degree. Talk about what levels of contact you would prefer, and how often you would prefer that he see them. The rest of his time and energy should be devoted to you.

Aprilfools's picture

Submitted by Aprilfools on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:02pm

So clearly put. It's taken me a while to understand my feelings/position about this because it's not like I don't enjoy SGD. I just can't feel close with him as much anymore because of his enabling her. I'm sure he would view my feelings as selfish and limiting. Now that I think about it, I would love to be able to agree to see SGD once a week (at our house) and be able to plan ahead for it. To me, that's ideal. He would think that's insane. Any kind of criticism of SD is shaky ground so I'm sure he doesn't see himself in this husband role. I wonder if SD's bf does.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 1:56pm

"Any experts on how to move forward without becoming the SM from hell again?" Be honest with DH and tell him you are overly saturated with SD and her rudeness, though she is HIS family, she is not yours, you want time alone with him as a married couple. Tell him if you do not get a break and your wishes are not honored you WILL become the SM from hell. Maybe that sounds like a threat or an ultimatum - so be it! He is so enthralled with SD at this point in time it may take harsh words to get through. You are worthy of his undivided attention once in a while.

Otherwise, send him to live with her like another poster in this site did.

Aprilfools's picture

Submitted by Aprilfools on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:16pm

Thanks Sandy! LOL... I had a vision of him living with them just the other day. Funny how the picture was followed with the thought that he might really want that. I will use the term overly saturated. Fits perfect.

Aprilfools's picture

Submitted by Aprilfools on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:27pm

GREAT, thanks. Smile now that's the kind of stuff I learned on this site YEARS ago. I myself am doing some of this but when we go out to eat, he's even texting/talking to her/intent on talking about them!! I am making plans with my family, go out to eat with my friends. Sadly he would never put any other plans above his SD and GD. I can't say he's a bad guy for putting relationships first and that's the kicker. Don't we all want a man who loves his family? Don't mean to waiver or challenge or question but it's the struggle between his "right" to grandparent and my "right" to our alone time.

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:18pm

Use the free time to find another husband. Seriously, you have already been down this road with him. If you tell him this is how you feel and he doesn't care then he doesn't care about you. If you aren't telling him how upset you are then you aren't giving him a chance to change.

Aprilfools's picture

Submitted by Aprilfools on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:32pm

Yep, saw that happen too for a period of time! Now it looks like he is on the lookout for two beds!! I keep thinking maybe she might feel weird, being taken care of more by Daddy than BF but it hasn't happened yet. If anything, it makes her feel loved. Here's the next scenario: if loser bf remains loser bf and drops her, guess where she will end up? I can see it happening tomorrow.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:41pm

Now's your chance to RUN!! It's not worth hanging around just because SGC is cute. She WON'T be when her BM PASes her out against you and BM moves in to take her "rightful" place as mini-wife.

Then you'll have TWO generations of mini wives to deal with.

I can't see SD growing up and realizing her mini wife behaviour is inappropriate--she is reveling in the attention and will make a horrid parent--much like HER father.

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 9:51pm

Really at this stage in op's relationship this kid should not be running the show. I personally think its time to move on when you are setting yourself up for the same old problems again. Our lives are too short to keep repeating the same old cycle. IMHO

jeaniemarie's picture

Submitted by jeaniemarie on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:52pm

Wow you have described my worst nightmare. I keep worrying that my fiance's son is going to knock up his horrible girlfriend--don't even want to think about it.

Can you talk to your husband, and tell him that you really need some date nights, and some nights at home just the two of you? If not, I guess I would just start planning nights out with my friends, just to get out of there. And don't be afraid to stand up for yourself if they are treating you badly.

Aprilfools's picture

Submitted by Aprilfools on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 3:21pm

Yes, I will use every suggestion here and talk to him. I don't know if it's too late or not. Do I trust that it will ever change? Probably not. He is smitten, he is absolutely in love with his "legacy" is what he calls GD. No way will anyone be more important to him. Just like Patsy, I HAVE wondered what it would be like to be single without this every weekend. (Laughed out loud, too!!)Overly saturated is phrase I will use, and I think he might be able to understand how other Grandparents do it differently. Maybe some compromise there. I will try, and I seriously appreciate the encouragement. It's easy to let things slide and then reflect on it, and go WTH just happened? Where has the last year went and WTH is coming up???

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Tue, 04/29/2014 - 9:49pm

I wish you the best and I hope a swift kick in your husband's ass will get this back on track ASAP! Honestly if mine tries to pull this when we have grandkids (we have one on the way) I will pack his bags then set them on fire and throw them in the lake. There have been many things "lost" in our lake. Two guitars and one drum set and those are just the things he knows about! I'm serious I will go total recall on his ass if he pulls this on me. I am furious for you!

Aprilfools's picture

Submitted by Aprilfools on Sat, 05/03/2014 - 5:55pm

Success! (So far) Had a long talk with hubby and his response seemed almost "toooo" good? He actually said that he understood where I was coming from although he doesn't quite agree that he's been pseudohusband to daughter. Said he would "watch it" and try to be more aware of what he is doing and what he "should" be doing as Gpa. Today was wonderful Sat. without her underfoot. Ahhhh... we'll see how long it lasts.