Resentment of 20yr old SS with VERY mild Learning Disability
I have been with DH for 8.5 years now. Yes I know what I got into! I can deal with the evil ex wife, the alienation she had done on the three SD's. The two youngest have visited 4 times in the past 4 years. Twice last year (Feb and March ) and again this year Jan / Feb. The SS, who lives with us and has for the past 9 years (BM walked away from him cause he was "too stupid to be part of her genepool") is acting out even more since contact was reinitiated by the SD's and BM.
The SD's contact SS and then BM starts twisting him to her benefit. He is nothing but a paycheque to his BF and BM now that he is 20 and on goverment disability pension. BF wants to keep him so he gets BM paying support (we pay her $1500/month for the 3 SD's). She pays BF $200/mth, but if he moved in with her, then we would end up paying her an additional $1000 + /mth.
So now that BM is back in the picture, SS is being such a tool. I resent even being in the same room as him. I think to my self, only another $1000/mth and I could be free from this horrible sense of disdain and resentment.
He does NOTHING. I did say he has a VERY mild case of Learning disability(LD) (I was in the field and know how severe it really is) mainly it's laziness and entitlement rather than LD.
Example, yesterday, I bring in 20 bags of groceries, BF went to washroom, SS opened every single bag, looked inside, said "huph" and moved on to the next bag. Never once taking anything out, asking if he could help, nothing, then BF comes out into the kitchen sees me unpacking everything, and finally the SS says "bananas" and takes them out. I sigh and roll my eyes to myself (back turned to both SS and BF) and continue with the unpacking.
Then I hear SS say that I was mean to him! WHAT??!!! I didn't say a thing. I have for the past year or so been a recluse in my own house, won't be in the same room as SS as I am trying to avoid confrontation.
He is done school (grade 12 and an additional semester in welding). He works (pt about 10 hrs/week) as a cook's helper and it is "SO HARD". Now you may be thinking for a LD kid it maybe, but I also put him into Welding school and he did great. SO as I said, it is VERY mild and only when it suits him. He has his own car - which he paid for, but no friends. He prefers to be alone.
His excuse for everything that he is asked to do is... "I'm still learning" or "I forgot" or "I didn't know" or "You didn't say" (even though a list was given to him). I am so tired of the half-a**ed ways he does things. The way he sneaks off without completing the task (like taking out the garbage or cleaning his shower in his basement apartment).
He sleeps till 2 or 3 pm, gets up watches TV/plays video games. He doesn't believe he needs to do anything now. He finished school, what else do I want from him, he asked one day. His grandmother (DH's mom) can only handle him for a week. DH can only handle him for a few minutes. It falls to me to "entertain him" and parent him as DH is the ostrich with head stuck in the same. Feelings of guilt,shame resentment, depression, etc plague him all the time.
I am the bad guy all the time, so I started not doing things. No longer entertaining SS and not really having much to say to him. SS is complaining to DH that I am mean to him and that he feels scared to approach me. Yes this vibe I feel inside me is anger, resentement, feelings of disbelief at some of his "childish monologs about his imagined world he seems to reside in, and somedays pure hate for the whole situation.
I feel like I am stressed to the max, my eye twitches all the time now, I have been disgnosed with anxiety and the stress of all this is killing me.
How do I let go!
DH and I are scheduled to go to counselling this week. Hopefully it's not the same chick as last time - about 15 min into the session, she looked at me with my DH beside me and asked me point blank ... " are you that stupid to stay ". We left. What can I say ' the heart wants what the heart wants and after 8.5 years, I still love DH very much as he does me. But I feel this latest stint with SS is driving a wedge between us. I keep telling myself it's almost over, but it seems to be getting worse!
Okay to end this on a good note... I use to have an amazing relationship with SS until last year when BM came back into this life. SS is a good kid (no drugs, alcohol, etc...)