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Refuses to come over because of me

Ontheoutside's picture

Just a vent about the joys of the skid relationship. *sad*

My fiancé's kids... 20, 14. 

The 20 year old is a failure to launch situation. When she attempted college over a year ago, it was just the 14 year old who came over. My kids got along really well. My fiancé would even comment that it was so nice seeing her act her age with them, something she didn't do with her own siblings, since they are so much older. 

After two failed attempts at college the 20 yo came back to town last year and joins her sister eowe... not mandatory... just because I guess?? She doesn't sleep over. He just picks her up everyday, she doesn't drive.  So they come over and sit in the living room all weekend on their phones. It's not a big living room so there's like one other place to sit, since one of them takes up the whole couch. The 20yo is a bit weird and we've just never really connect and she doesn't get alone with my kids... so my kids stay in their rooms most of the weekend because they are over. The 20 yo has a small part time job ... and that's it even though she has her AA. So I think that's a little of my problem too. My kids won't be sitting at my house all weekend in the living room on their phones when they're 20! My fiancé doesn't do much with them and I feel like that's between them. Not my job to play event planner for them. I don't engage much with them when they are over. I'm an introvert who hates small talk. What do you talk to a 20 year old about who has nothing going on in her life and who is a bit awkward? She's also been pretty standoffish/rude to me... to be fair, not all the time... I just never know what I'm going to get.  I keep busy with my own things when they are there. Could I be a little more welcoming... sure... I just get closed off around the 20 yo's energy.  I'll say hello but then they're off the the living room on their phones.  20yo is finally, hopefully, going back off the college in August. I've been looking forward to things getting back to "normal" and growing our relationship with his 14 year old once her sister is gone. Since the dynamic is so different with the 14 yo when her sister is here. 

Well today the 20yo texts my fiancé that she see's it's obvious the I don't like her or her sister so she is not going to come over anymore. She will meet him outside of the house but she won't come over because of me. And the 14 year old is all hurt too and doesn't want to talk to my fiancé right now. The 20 yo also commented that she feels my kids and I are more important than they are to him. My kids are never even around when they are there and I've never stood in the way of them spending time together. Ever. I do think my fiancé could be doing a better job in his relationship with them and will sometimes suggest things to him, but he usually doesn't take my advice. So for the most part I leave their relationship alone. But now wtf. If she's leaving in a month or two I wish she would have just not made a weird deal about everything. She's 20... she doesn't need to be coming over all weekend anyway like she's still 12. My fiancé stood up for me in the text conversation. But I don't like putting him in a situation that feels like I'm a barrier to his kids. I know he doesn't blame me.  But he spent the night completely depressed and has no idea what to do. 


tog redux's picture

It's so odd to me when these adult skids still come over for "visitation". My SS is 20 and he comes over every few months for dinner (if that). Of course, he's enmeshed with his mother and sitting around her house, failing to launch and playing video games, and he doesn't drive either; so he's not much different than your SD20, just not interested in hanging at our house.

So the important thing is - does your SO take seriously what his daughter is saying about you?

tog redux's picture

I mean, I can see wanting to hang out with Dad here and there, but the fact that she does it on the same visitation days she always had is so strange to me.

Kes's picture

It's odd to me too that a 20 yr old is still doing visitation.  For about the last 6 yrs, SD23 and SD25 just meet up with DH as and when they can for coffee or a meal, not at our house though.  This suits me fine.  It would not suit me fine to have a 20yr old failure to launch sitting in my living room all day, diddling on her phone. Beee

Dogmom1321's picture

Weird for sure. I mean she is 20... why come spend the weekend at your place if her and her Dad don't do anything together? I'm assuming she doesn't have friends to hang out with? Defeats the purpose of "visiting" if you're just going to sit on your phone. So she says she doesn't want to come over anymore, GREAT! Explain to your SO how this is a great opportunity for him to work on their relationship 1:1. Go grab coffee, dinner, take a walk in neighborhood, etc. 

This has nothing to do with you or your kids.SK is just grabbing for attention, but throwing you under the bus. I wouldn't address it with her at all. Seems like she can't even come up with a VALID reason... you say hello and let them be. Does she want you to celebrate her presence when she comes over? The lack of balloons and streamers I guess are making her feel "unwanted". *eyeroll*

Survivingstephell's picture

Yes, have DH use her move as an opportunity to reframe his relationship with the 20 yo.  As for the 14 yo, she is under the CO and therefore has no choice in the matter. DH needs to clarify to the 20yo what happens when you age out of the CO and moves on to the next stage in life. He needs to also make clear that she is at a different stage than the SD14 and doesn't get to make her decisions about her visitations. If he treats it as another step in maturity, and not a loss, he makes it a normal thing(which it is). If he insists on indulging this grasp at power and hanging onto childhood for SD20, he will only delay her launching.  BTDT with my own OBD. Some kids are just freaked out by becoming an adult. You have to force them to face facts, not coddle them. Never works. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I wish OP would respond.

ldvilen's picture

20 YO needs to take a hike, and she can see daddy when she wants to on her time--like someone said above, meet for coffee or a meal.  14 YO has no choice; she is a minor.  The 20 YO cannot control or speak for the 14 YO, and dad, your DH, should enforce this.

This has nothing to do with you.  It has to do with the 20 YO acting more like a 14 YO, and it has to do with your DH needing to step up to the plate and act like the dad-enforcer he should be.  I'm guessing the 20 YO came over and saw her dad and his new SO and her kids too all playing along, and rather than trying to join in, she chose to sulk on her own and is now trying to blame the ever-convenient scapegoat SM for her own angst.  She is 20; not 14.  What is even worse, she Shanghaiied the 14 YO to join in with her.

Dad needs to set the ground rules/ boundaries with his children, and not let the 20 YO "steal" his daughter from him.  Sounds like younger SD was doing OK or at least 1/2 way decent before the 20 YO came along.  That should speak volumes to anyone.

Rags's picture

Don't over think the crap with the 20yo.  Good riddance to her early departure and hopefully she gets quarantined on campus for a year or two and stays out of your life.

As for the 14yo.... if your DH tolerates her not visiting, that is entirely on him.  She is 14. She gets no say in visitation and the only way she does not visit per the CO is if Daddy tolerates it.  Again, not your problem.

The good news is that your DH respects you, your marriage and does not tolerate his failed family children disrespecting him, you, or your marriage.  If DH tolerates the 14yo trying to manipulate by attempting to guilt daddy by staying away... good riddance to her too.

IMHO of course.

CANYOUHELP's picture

It is good news that your husband is respecting you to his daughters, a big plus. Staying away is a cause for celebration if these are nasty brat adults who nobody can parent for appropriate behavior. 

queensway's picture

It is good news he is respecting her over his daughters. That is not the norm!!!

ldvilen's picture

How is he "respecting her over his daughters"?  This is not a competition for respect.  This is about the role of a wife and the role of a child or daughter.  His wife is his wife and his daughters are his daughters.  In an intact family, IT IS THE NORM for a man to take the word of his wife over that of his children, and for obvious reasons.  No one questions this.  But, you throw the term SM in there, and suddenly a man is daring to choose or "respect" some strange woman over his daughters.  No.  He is married to that woman (or about to be).  She is his wife (or long-term SO).  Contrary to popular belief, she is not some ho on the side competing on equal ground with dad's children for dad's attention.  That is how someone immature would think.  Mature people have the ability to see adult relationships for what they are vs. just seeing them for what they wished they would be.  No, SM is not dad's ho on the side.  SM is dad's wife, and as such, she has the right to be treated as a wife (by DH and others) just as much as any other married couple.  Marriage order doesn't matter.  Whether you get married for the 1st time or 10th time, the vows and the commitment remain the same.

Rags's picture

The wife matters.  The one he is married to. The one he used to be married to does not matter. Not even if he had children with her.  A failed family is a failed family and should have zero influence on an active marriage.  The children of that failed family do matter but the X does not.  The X should have zero influence, say or place in the new marriage.  That includes the kids from that marriage being a conduit for that X to infect the new marriage.

The wife or the husband are what matters. An X does not matter.

IMHO of course.

still learning's picture

She is his fiance, no marriage yet. If OP is wise she will postpone any nuptials until her fiance gets his family situation in order. Problem here is that oldest daughter is vying for the spot of #1 woman in her fathers life.  "Choose me over her daddee!" You're right, it shouldn't be that way and that would never fly in an intact family.  Funny how it's completely acceptable to "put the kids first" in step life and have the fathers wife/love interest act more as an in indentured servant who has the dream of gaining their freedom when the kids finally turn 18.  As this situation shows 18 is not the finish line. Divorced daddee must pay for life for the breakup of the original family.  Putting the marriage first, well that's okay if you're the first wife.  Funny how it sounds like we're talking about polygamy.  

CLove's picture

Feral Forger and her relationship (or non-relationship) is all 100 percent completely on them. We split finances so whatever he spends on her or gives her - thats his money so we have agreed that I will not make a stink over it.

Feral Forger never calls. She texted for fathers day. He has tried in the past to ask her to have dinner/lunch, but she flakes. She is living with her mother in the same town as us, and SD14 gives us regular reports, but she hasnt had a job since the COVID, and still doesnt have a drivers license, yet somehow she is supposed to get a car from, WTF?

SD20 needs to be held responsible for her own life.

Munchkin SD14 knows because we have always had open and honest communication, that at 18 and high school graduation, she can choose where to live. That she will be expected to get her drivers license and have a job at a certain age. She is looking forward to it.

Your dH - good that he is standing by you, but the 14-year old should not have that much power to decide her visitation schedule.

MissTexas's picture

ebe the "bad guy" for initiating it. Keep up the good work!

It's very strange that these failure to launch "adults" can't quite seem to cut that apron string. 

I also congratulate you on your SO having your back in the text conversation. That is GOLDEN.

still learning's picture

"so she is not going to come over anymore. She will meet him outside of the house but she won't come over because of me."

Well hallejufreakinlujah! Let daddee deal with chauffering his cranky darling and spending quality alone time with her.  Bummer you won't be there to be the buffer for her moods.  


And the 14 year old is all hurt too and doesn't want to talk to my fiancé right now. 

Oh please, the 14 yr old will need something soon enough and have to talk to her father.  Let it play out between daddee and his princesses and don't get involved.  

The 20 yr old has regressed back to child state. The saying, "you can never go home again." Well it's kinda true, she's a grown woman trying to live the life of a custodial child and it just doesn't work.  She's throwing a jealous tantrum like she's a small child being replaced by shiny new siblings.  I went through this with both of DH's sons who were in their 20's when we first got married. It seemed like they couldn't get enough of daddee and the oldest moved back in for a brief time to be supported by good ol' dad.  They acted like jealous whiny babies because I had my own kids, even the one who was married and had his own child.  

You're dealing with this way better than i did. I tried to make it all "work" which we seasoned steppers know does not work.  Set personal boundaries and let your fiance run around outside of the home dealing with princess.  He will eventually become exhausted by the drama especially if you aren't participating and making things easier for him.  14 year old girls are notoriously moody and dramatic. Dad should get used to it now and learn to weather the storms.  

Rags's picture

If I ever pulled this crap with my dad he would tell me to grow TF up and stop being a baby.  As should your DH with his failed family 20yo spawn..

Parents that have anything to do with their failed adult children that pull this kind of crap are even more pathetic than the failed adult child.

There comes a time when these pathetic adult kids have to be cut loose to either soar or crash and burn on their own and given clarity that they will not be tolerated if they remain rude assholes. In the case of this kid, it is long past time.

IMHO of course.