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Reaping what you sow, SO, reaping what you sow

2Tired4Drama's picture

Just a vent. 

SD30 STILL does not reach out to her father and he STILL mopes around when he doesn't hear from her.  (I am completely disengaged from her but like many of us on here, I often suffer the repercussions due to my SO's mood when he is affected by her.)

When he gets mopey, I know it's because he probably is playing his old, "I'm going to wait and see if she contacts me." game.  You know...the game he ALWAYS loses because she will never make the call/text/contact!  So week after week goes by, she makes no effort to contact him, no updates or information about his grandson, nothing. 

He mopes and gets more and more depressed but won't come out and say it.  God forbid he indicate that Princess is less than perfect. 

Today, I flat-out told him that he must face up to the fact that his daughter fully expects HIM to make all efforts at communication with her and that will never, ever change.  He needs to either realize that and make all the effort from now on, or expect to never hear from her.  I left it at that.  He said nothing. 

I was kind enough to not tell him what else I was thinking:  "Your daughter is a self-absorbed b!tch (she's an adult and I feel free to think of her that way now) who doesn't give a shit about you.  She doesn't give a shit if you never have a relationship with your grandson, because it's ALL about her, it's always been about her, and it will be about her all the time.  YOU raised her to believe she walked on water and deserved to be worshipped her whole life simply because she had the misfortune to develop health issues.  (Health issues which many other people live with yet can still be decent human beings, BTW.) She has been coddled and spoiled to such an extent that her entitlement and self-absorption is almost criminal.  YOU created this selfish monster and are now suffering the result.  

I don't know. I guess the older I get and the longer I've been at this step-game, the less inclined I am to hold my tongue anymore. 



JRI's picture

Your SD must be financially stable or DH would probably be hearing from her.

advice.only2's picture

I feel the same way about my DH, he would rather sweep Spawn under the rug like a dirty little secret and he gets annoyed if I bring her up or tell him about her latest escapades. Oh well too bad DH I told you years and years ago what you were creating by being a Disney Dad and you ignored me and were pig headed, now you have to stomach what I knew all along.

Stepdrama2020's picture

You have every right to speak your mind regarding the SD. They inflict years of hell on us and our DH's expect us to put our heads in the sand just like them. Sorry DH NO CAN DO. She is a snotty bitch and guess what her sh*t does stink.

CLove's picture

They need to understand that they should take responsibility for their part in raising these cretins. Dh, as good as he can be, can also be the opposite. His daughter was allowed to be abusive towards me and disrespecful. And she still treats her younger sister like dirt. But these people must be cut out of our lives.

Thanksfully, Dh doesnt mope. He gets texts and phone calls when SD21 Feral Forger needs something.

Catmom024's picture

Your SD sounds just like my SO's loser Princess.  He ALWAYS goes groveling back to her.  Then instead of moping he's annoyingly giddy.  I'm not sure which is worse.

failuretolaunch's picture

I can feel exactly what you feel. You have to bite your tongue. There have been so many times, especially lately that I just want to scream 'Are you stupid, do you still believe a word they say, how long will you let them manipulate you like this, I know they are your children but you have to except that they can be little shits and you shouldn't believe a word they say.'

I also understand that the stress that bubbles to the surface is because of SD. Same here, most of the stress that occurs is because of her kids not mine and I am done with it now, I just let her deal with the stress, but like you, it spills out into the environment that you live in. I just try to keep a wide birth now and wait for her to take it out on me. Luckily so far she doesn't because she know it isn't my problem and she needs to keep it away from me because it's not fair. I just keep a wide birth and try to bite my tongue, which I am getting better and better at.

Stay out of it and keep repeating that it is his problem and the BM's and not yours and eventually he will keep all his shit to himself and realise it is not fair that his SD and his moods effect you.



Rags's picture

My family is a dichotomy of full engagement and come when you need something engagement.  My DW and I are very close with my parents.  My brother is as well, but.... he is a run in, recharge, and head out guy.  His wife is only marginally interested in a relationship with my family though over the years she has had no problem dumping their kids on my parents without notice and has volunteered my parents home for her sister and her family to live in periodically.  My parents shut that shit down in a heart beat but... SIL seems to have selective memory on that and will give it a try every X years.

My brother remains close with mom and dad and with me, but... his interface is odd by my book.  He will fly in for a few days, spend almost all of that time napping on the sofa in the family room, have meals with mom and dad, then... off he goes.  We call it his Rags clan recharge.

Interestingly all of the GKids call my mom and dad's home.  When asked where they consider home, they all say GMas and GPas house. Our son (My Skid (adopted), and my brother's three.

Even my wife considers my parent's home to be her home.  Far more than her own parent's home.

As for my brother... his weak level of interest and participation has been a struggle for me for many years.  He, mom, dad, and I were extremely close up until he married.  At that point he pretty much cut us all off.

I have had it out with him over it a few times over the years much to his confusion. His stance is that it was always the four of us that were family and he is just duplicating that model with his own family.  It is so simply obvious to me that the way to do is to integrate our own families into the close family that mom and dad built.  

I reached the point where I pretty much make no effort. My family and I have flown around the world to visit him and his family,  bent over backwards to stay in contact with him.  I am talking two decades with almost zero effort on his part. Until I was done.  So now it is all on him to connect with me.  When I stopped, he was confused.  Eventually he figured out that he needs to be the one to make the effort. So.... I will answer when he calls, I am happy to do him favors when he asks, dad and I towed his car 1200 miles from where it was in storage to the home he bought in the States as his family home base.  I am happy to help, mainly because it was a nice trip wth Dad.

When it comes to contact with my brother, I believe it when I see it.  He is all talk and little action.  Bro: "I am planning on hoppin gover to Morocco when I'm at my next board meeting in Europes.  We can spend a few days touring the country." Rags: "Sounds good.".  Meanwhile back at the ranch and NEVER later...... CRICKETS!!!!

I am in "Don't tell me.  Show me" mode with my brother.  It used to hurt... a lot. Now it is just a periodic irritant.  I had to protect myself. Even if it ultimately costs me a relationship with my brother.  He was my person from the moment they brought him home from the hospital and for the next nearly 30 years.  I miss him.

I get what your DH is going through. However, idiocy is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.  Your DH is a grown man who raised his toxic spawn.  It is long past time for him to have figured out that he has what he is going to get as far as a relationship with his self absorbed daughter is concerned.   Shit in one hand and hope in the other and eventually the weight of the shit overcomes the hope.  It just takes some people much longer to realize it than others.  Some never realize it.

If I were you, I would no let him go down his usual progression of self pitty and depression over her crap.  I would grab him by the proverbial short and curlies and drag him out of his self pitty crap by flooding him with honey do's, weekend trips, a heavily weighted social schedule, etc......

Good luck.