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Reaping and sowing

bbbbb's picture

Well middle stepdaughter rang last night to ask why my hubby had forgotten his grand-daughters birthday. She went on about she was distraught that her dad could have upset her child this much and since I was being a child and no speaking to her he had to been as attentive, and that the presents at Christmas had been shoddy.

I was the one that always remembered all the anniversaries and birthdays but since my disengagement last year it’s now down to him.

So I had a night of a sulky man-child because he had upset the golden child, and that I should have reminded him. Obviously my discussion with him in October was ignored.

Still holding firm

Acratopotes's picture

proud of you for standing firm ... keep on doing it....

Laugh and tel DH - but I did remind you.... not my fault you do not listen when I talk, not my fault you do not make notes and mark special events on your calendar....

SMforever's picture

"And that the presents at Christmas had been shoddy" ...talk about entitled!

I came into my relationship already disengaged from adult skids and gskids. When it comes to birthdays,, I usually quietly mention at breakfast whose birthday it is, and let him get on with it. Sometimes I forget, but I never get blamed for his screw ups.

Your poor baby DH needs to man up and get a calendar. Enduring a night of sulking is so worth it, just reinforces your resolve to disconnect. I wouldn't have even gotten into the convo with her, just pass the phone to DH and leave the room. I'd be telling DH to get over himself if he tried to blame me for his shortcomings.

Hopefully your DH will see her whining for what it is and open his own can of whooparse. She needs to be told that she is a spoiled brat, using gkid manipulation as a weapon.

sammigirl's picture

Oh yes, everything at our house is "Dad's" and "Dad did this, Dad gave us this". That's one main reason I quit!

Kes's picture

Well done for standing firm. I too do not remind about SDs birthdays nor buy them anything myself. I will sign their card if asked to do so, that's as far as it goes.

sammigirl's picture

Stand Firm! Good for you. I began my disengagement seven years ago. It is entirely up to DH for remembering anything to do with his grown kids, and grandkids. Every January, New Year, I buy a small day planner. I write every birthday, anniversary, etc. down for the entire planner. This includes my family and DH's. It lays by the phone for any appointments or other reminders that we need to add.

I also did all the gifts and remembering for 30+ years. I even quilted and made personal gifts for years. DH is horrible at it all. The only positive result from it all; my grown skids, DH, and step-grandkids now know who did it all to begin with. They now know DH cannot remember and he usually doesn't even remember to look at the day planner, until days after the event.

I also stand firm and never say a word. It's not my problem and Christmas is now down to a web site order of candy or meat and cheese box, for each family. DH ask me to order it for them and I do so, with a card attached from the company only saying it is from our address; but it is not a personal gift and they notice I'm sure; with that said, it is their loss; they disrespected me for years and had no problem doing it.

Stay firm! I'm sure your DH remembers your discussion; he just thinks you will forget and forgive and go back to doing it again for him. My DH still thinks that will happen some day. NOT!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

So she hasn't been happy with the gifts etc., well, time for DH to take over that part of life.

One of the things I learned when I disengaged was that my Twit was his daughter and therefore his responsibility as to remembering birthdays, Christmas gifts, etc. I use to do all the remembering and buying, wrapping, etc. gifts.

When I disengaged I told him that his Twit was his responsibility. Evidently it did not register because the first year there was nothing for her and her family as it was DH's responsibility. He tried to put it on me, but I didn't buy it for various reasons.