Question for Sandye
Sandye - you wrote: " Up until recently, I had a 'friend who had some of Twit's traits, but not as bad as Twit. It usually takes a while for Twit-like' people to show their colors so it is understandable that you would move close to Twit without anticipating the degree of 'psycho' behavior you have been subjected to - and by the way, it IS 'psycho'. There are probably people who would think you are exaggerating about Twit, but after experiencing a small taste of what you've gone through, I don't care if people think I am a heartless a$$ for dumping this so-called friend. This 'friend' also had the idea that if she could manipulate someone else to get something for free, it made her look 'savvy' and smart - and it fed her seriously damaged ego."
How did you finally make the break and what was her reaction?
Like Twit, the friend had to
Like Twit, the friend had to be in control. There were several incidences which I could mention. One was: I was in charge of a group event. The friend also belonged to this group but she did everything in her power, going to sneaky and extreme measures to take over. When I confronted her, she did the same as Twit; denied she was doing anything, and even appealed to others saying, "I don't know why she is mad at me." Sound familiar? I did not back down, and replied that she very well KNEW what she did, and I had emails from her that proved it. There were those in the group who told me, "That's just the way she is, she's a person to be reckoned with." I quit the group. After the confrontation I stopped inviting her over, quit calling her. She then started sending little 'cutsie' emails, Facebook comments, etc., to break me down and get control again. I did not respond to any of it. Then she wanted me to do another favor for her. She sent other people to ask, even approached my Husband to encourage me. I said, "No, I am busy with other things." The last time I saw her she was very angry with me. Have not heard from her in a couple of months.
As far as I'm concerned, you are wiser and saner than I am. If my DH would have told me to make up with the 'friend' or accept blame for something I didn't do, I would have told him to stick his head where the sun don't shine.
SDM, The difference between my 'friend' and Twit is that it is a heck of a lot easier to dump a friend than someone your DH considers 'family'. In my opinion, you have done everything you can do with the Twit situation. You have made it clear that you have no desire to play Twit's games to both Twit and your DH. You have not backed down. You are attempting to distance yourself as much as you can. You have not been well lately. Your DH should be doing all he can do to help you get well. This includes ensuring that you are not exposed to unnecessary stress and the noise from a constantly ringing phone. He's not doing his job of being a good husband to you. I sincerely hope he returns to the path he was taking as far as making the marriage a priority. He should be able to visit Twit, deal with the 'crazy' stuff, but leave all communication with Twit at her door before he returns home - and leave you completely out of the drama.
When those people were
When those people were telling you that she was a person to be reckon with they were warning you.
Don't you just love it with you are expected to put up with something that is wrong, insulting, etc., by being told things like "That's just the way she is." Just like I was always told the suck it up buttercup.
And yes, those are definitely Twit traits. She is better than any one, knows what to do more than any one, and has to be the big cheese where ever she goes. Me? I would mark it down as she doesn't play well with others, and THAT is an understatement.
"After the confrontation I
"After the confrontation I stopped inviting her over, quit calling her. She then started sending little 'cutsie' emails, Facebook comments, etc., to break me down and get control again. I did not respond to any of it. Then she wanted me to do another favor for her. She sent other people to ask, even approached my Husband to encourage me. I said, "No, I am busy with other things." The last time I saw her she was very angry with me."
Boy, does that sound familiar. The last time DH sat me down with Twit to try to sort things out, that was over that Twit lie to him about the Mother's Day card. In advance she had told him she was going to apologize, she didn't realize how she was hurting me, etc. DH was so pleased thinking that his situation was going to be solved.
Against my good judgment to keep the peace with DH I went. Her accusations and remarks to me were shocking. That was when she started saying I was calling her a liar and DH was telling her I was doing no such thing. It was a case of she would be nice to me about this, but I breathe and it bothers her so it is not her fault (you get the pic). Even told him and me she would never have us over for dinner etc. BECAUSE I wasn't worth as much as a hot dog.....she couldn't afford it! [and she saw nothing wrong or mean in what she was spewing!] Some, hell, most of her rantings didn't make sense. I kept my cool while DH tried to check her in on many of her remarks, but once I did start to lose it and DH reigned me in (one can only take so much). The interesting thing was that as we were leaving she started crying about how she wanted to leave her husband but she had no where to go, boo hoo hoo, hugging DH, who immediately melted and told her that she did have a place to go, she could come to us! This while I was holding my cool and thinking "over my dead body". People like Twit notice that I didn't jump on the "poor Twit" bandwagon, it wasn't working.
When we got in the car I said to DH that what happened wasn't what she told him she was going to say to me was it. He, sadly, said no, it wasn't. As we drove away he actually apologized to me for what she did saying that there was no way that I could ever sit down like that with her again.
It was only an hour or so later that she came flying up here telling DH I had called her a liar, she was, according to him, shaking and crying and carrying on. Me? I was at the bank, my cell phone was on the table in the house so who know where the heck that accusation came from. I get home and DH is all upset telling me that Twit claims I called her up and called her a liar, why did I do that, and how she was shaking and crying etc. He was furious with me! He was really concerned and upset saying that she was really crying hard and visibly shaking, which of course concerned him. I now know that what was going on there was a narcistic/borderline rage. She got caught in the nasty things she had said to me [hence the crying at the end about how she wanted to leave her husband]. She knew that was falling on deaf ears with me. So she ramped it up by running up here. If only I had been here when she showed I might have been able to defuse her....well, actually when she gets a wild hair up her arse there is no defusing her.
That was when DH wouldn't talk to me for days. But when he did, and he knew I was feeling bad after being attacked by the Twit, that was when he said that I had tried, it didn't work out and it was okay with him if I wanted nothing more to do with her. He had seen her in action at me first hand, not her usual snide, nasty remarks when no one was around. She messed up and she knew it.
That was right before the 4th of July back in 2014. So, she calls the next day all bright and cheery "Hi SDM, I was just won....." that is as far as she got (keep in mind that DH was not talking to me at this point). I asked her, quite directly "what the hell do you want" and before she could answer just slammed the phone down. I also went then and told DH what I had done (just in case she was going to call and start more trouble). DH said it was okay with him. Imagine!
Like your "friend" she knew she had gone way too far and exposed her true self to DH. She couldn't say that I was imagining things, she didn't know what I was talking about, etc. She called once a few weeks later and invited us to a BBQ where her one son and his girlfriend were going to be there (they were the bait to get us to come). DH declined. She then called about Thanksgiving, which was on the answering machine. DH deliberately left her hanging on that one until the last minute! As he said, she walked out on us the last time she asked us over for Thanksgiving to go shopping and that wasn't going to happen again. So, couple days before he called and told her no thanks. Oh, she was upset blaming it all on me, of course.
No invite from us for Christmas, though my DD was here, and no card was sent to her. She sent a card and DH made a big deal over it but I just disengaged from it. It was that January that she called and wanted to come by, she brought us those chicken thighs telling him they were skinless chicken breasts from our favorite butcher (guess she thinks he can't read either). DH forced me to be there when she came (but he did say he noticed how I flinched when he told me she was coming). The only thing I said to her, as her dusty butt was going down the driveway, was a bland "thanks for the chicken thighs". She got a funny look on her face as though she was going to cry - her "generosity" wasn't working, no one was falling all over her telling her it was okay, making her real welcome. There were no Christmas presents that had been put aside for her. But then there had never been any acknowledgement from her of what she had done, what she had said to me, the trouble she tried to start etc. Daddy had always forgiven her in the past regardless of what she had said or done to me. Things as she knew them were changing so she was going to have to ramp things up.
It didn't work so she had to start other ways, other things to get what she wanted. Me? I was totally done. I have had the very minimal if nothing to do with her since. And as you said, you know it has to bother a cretin like her. So know she is back to blaming me, she did nothing..... It is a constant onslaught.
"Don't you just love it with
"Don't you just love it with you are expected to put up with something that is wrong, insulting, etc., by being told things like "That's just the way she is." Just like I was always told the suck it up buttercup."
I've found that when these people experience an 'episode' themselves the situation is somehow 'different' than it is for you. Maybe it is easier to overlook rudeness, hostility and the overwhelming desire to control, but in the long run this type of enabling does not pay off for anyone. After my experience with this friend, I made up my mind that I will not be around people who want to control me, nor will I be around their enablers.
My ex-friend is older than Twit. It's too bad, but I know in my heart that I will never be able to convince her that her abrasive, controlling approach to friendship is actually preventing her from having meaningful relationships with other people, that you do not have to scream for attention to get people to notice you. It's been going on too long.
It appears that it was easier to overlook Twit's behavior early on rather than do the hard job of being a parent and guide her in being respectful of others. It's a bit late to change things now. At 50 years old, Twit is probably not going to change but you should not be expected to endure or be exposed to any of Twit's misbehavior.
Sandy - as I have said, Twit
Sandy - as I have said, Twit brags about doing the most outlandish things to people and is proud of it. Among other strange things and both DH and Twit's husband would act like nothing had happened! Guess they both find it easier to put up with bat sh*t crazy (oh I love that expression) and to have to face the hell that occurs if you confront her.
Needless to say, we are planning our own Thanksgiving with DD coming for the long weekend. I am having an open house, trim the tree open house for my neighbors the Saturday after and Twit is not invited. And she better not count on anything for Christmas....even a lump of coat is WAY too good to give her.
Clarification - My trim the tree open house is NOT to sell anything like Twit's pot and pan parties. This is just to have the neighbors stop by, visit, put an ornament on the tree, snacks, a glass of wine or cordial of Cherry Herring, listen to Christmas carols before we all get tired of them. Nothing big, long, or excessively elegant; just friendship etc.