At this point, I am on the verge of cancelling my wedding and ending my relationship with my fiancé, all because of his 19yo son. In the beginning of our relationship, my fiancé kept his life with his son and his life with me very separate, spending time with only one of us at a time. When I was around, the son did not hang out with us, but I just thought that he was a teen who didn't want to hang out with older people. I was told that he was so smart and funny, that he was going to go off to a prestigious college, that he is super tech savvy, and that he was going to do all these great things. I had no idea that this information was mostly not true until recently.

Son had been in a dual HS/college program where he was supposed to have graduated with his associates degree at the same time that he received his HS diploma. This didn't work out, and he ended up having to continue at the community college for a year. After graduating from high school, son's mom wanted him to get a job. He told his dad that he just wanted to chill for the summer and would look for a job in the fall. Son ignored his mom, and dad supported it. At the end of August, son decided unilaterally (without even telling his father) that he no longer wished to do week to week. He just disappeared to live with mom, only telling dad that he wasn't coming back weeks later when dad took him out to dinner. Dad never called him out on being rude and inconsiderate (dad had expected him to show, and he just didn't). Son would complain to dad that mom was being a b**** and harping on him to get a job, but he continued to ignore her. By October, mom had kicked son out because she found drug paraphernalia in his bedroom. This is where my vision of the future started to fall apart...

Son told dad a bogus story that any teen who was caught with drugs would have said. He said it had been his friend's marijuana, and that he had only tried it one time months ago, and that he had no idea that any paraphernalia was in his room. Of course, dad believed him. I was first told that mom had searched his room. I asked why, if it was his friend's MJ that he used one time, he would have had the paraphernalia at all, let alone in a drawer (I assumed this part since I was told that mom searched). I find it hard to believe that 1) they would have used in mom's house since mom didn't work and was usually home, and 2) that even if they did use in mom's house, his friend would leave his paraphernalia behind and not retrieve it for months. I was then told that the paraphernalia was just sitting out in the open and mom noticed it, that son didn't know it was there. If it was in the open, how could son have not seen it in his room for months? At this point, dad finally admitted that he had no idea where it had been found, which negated everything he had just said. He asked son no further questions, and there were no consequences from dad. This whole scenario is made worse since dad used to be in law enforcement and would question anyone else.

By this point, we had a date set for our wedding. I told dad that I now needed to be involved with son, since I would be his stepmom and he would be living with us. Dad initially said ok. I said that son needed a car (he had been using dad's while he was at work, but dad was about to lose the company car). As luck would have it, dad's brother is co-owner of a used car dealership. Dad sets it up for son to get a job and a car, fixing everything for son. Dad is excited, saying that his brother will teach son the business, and they discussed growing hours and responsibilities, with son possibly making more than us within a year. Son begins working, 10 hrs/wk. Within 2 weeks, son had caused over $3600 worth of damage to one of the vehicles. Son did not do well at this job. He was not fired since he is related, but he will not get any more hours, max of 40-50 hrs/mth.

The more time I spend with kid, I start making note of what he says and does. I realize that he is a millennial and not at all like dad described. Kid is lazy and unambitious. He is a loner and doesn't have friends. Kid stays in his room by himself. He has no athletic ability. He says things like "I don't really worry...lots of people are in the same situation as I am about a car...if I had to pay for that, why would I work?...I don't do people...they make it so hard for people like me." Kid was out of class by noon Mon - Thurs (and he can with his schedule (between school and work, we're talking a 10AM at least on Mondays), so I suggested he could look for another job to get more hours. Dad immediately tells me that he doesn't think max of 24 hrs/wk - probably less). He then blows up at me. We had lots of blowups in the first few weeks. I couldn't even mention son's name without dad getting defense. He didn't hear me, he yelled, I cried.

We quickly got to my breaking point. Dad said he was committed to us and would do whatever he had to in order to work this out. But dad kept putting son first. He rushed me at Thanksgiving because loner son chose to go and refused to socialize with my family after eating. Dad sat in a corner with son, and then asked me if I was ready to go...even though he knew I had been excited for weeks about spending time with family members I hadn't seen in years. Dad talked to his mom and his friends, only giving his perspective - all told him he was wrong and I was right, that it was time for son to grow up and have responsibility, and that he was having a tough time letting go. We went to a counseling session, where the counselor told him that anything he does for son that son is capable of doing for himself is robbing him of an opportunity to grow and is abusing the father/son relationship. I bought a book on communication, which be both read; we discussed all of the questions at the end of the chapter.

Dad had told son that he had until May to decide what he wants to do. I told him that he did not. College deadlines are approaching, and we needed to know son's plan (it is beyond me how a parent could not sit his child down to ask this). As soon as dad says that we wanted to check on son's plan, son goes off on a rant about how he has never told his dad or anyone else that he ever intended to go to a 4-yr school. He was valedictorian in HS, so everyone expects him to do all these great things, but son doesn't really want much. He says he wants to have a "little apartment, with a little job, and little hobbies." (basically, what he has right now, living with dad). He puts in applications "occasionally," most recently at the dollar store. Before the conversation, dad worried that he would sound like mom. During the conversation, dad kept saying "We're not trying to make you mad!" I was the one that had to explain that he needed to come up with a plan that would lead to him being self-sufficient, and that his stated goals wouldn't allow for that. We agree to revisit the conversation after finals. Son brings it up a week later, and dad ignores and avoids the conversation. I engage, while dad just sits there.

Dad spent some time with me before Christmas and was supposed to stay with me through the weekend and go with me to my parents' house the day after Christmas. Son was not going to stay with me, but he would see us for Christmas Eve with his grandpa and Christmas Day with his grandma. Dad starts freaking out about "leaving son alone for Christmas," but he wouldn't have been alone. So, dad chooses to leave me alone for Christmas, telling me that I need to drive to meet him at all these places and then he'll go home and I'll go home. To him, this was "including" son, but it was choosing him. He never once suggested that we all do anything together after church on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I was not supposed to be upset at all about this, even though I was only in town for him (my parents live hours away). After the Christmas Eve service, in the church parking lot, dad blows up at me. He tells me he's not going with me to my parents' house, and that we're just going to "get through the holidays and be done." He says that he doesn't see this working out and says he should get the ring and his things from my house, and we should be done. I take the ring off and offer it to him, but he won't take it. Suddenly, it needs to be back on my finger...I say I'm not putting it back on until it means something.

He wished me a Merry Christmas on Christmas morning, but did not ask how I was doing. He never said that I shouldn't be alone for Christmas. I ended up going to my parents' house early, without him. While I was gone, he groveled, but he still did something that was supposed to be something we were going to experience together for the first time, and he did it with people I had introduced him to. He didn't understand why this would bother me.

Son has no chores and no consequences. If dad asks him to do something and he doesn't, dad lets it go. Dad will run errands and clean all day on a Saturday, to the point that he has no time to see me...while son sits in his room "doing his thing." Dad won't delegate. Son says he's not currently looking for a better job, and dad has yet to tell him that he has to. When I suggested letting son do the grocery shopping (dad shops with a list anyway), dad said he would probably go with him to "shadow him" the first time, and he got mad when I told him that this would be hand-holding. At 19, dad was in combat being shot at. I don't understand why he still takes care of everything. He doesn't ask questions, he doesn't require anything. He doesn't hold son accountable for anything. He alters his behavior when son is there, and he coddles him. And I'm the bad guy whenever I say anything.

At this point, I know I have to at least postpone the wedding (it was supposed to be in less than 3 months). I will not enable son to be a bum. I will not remain financially responsible indefinitely for an adult who is fully capable of taking care of himself. I will not be son's bank whenever things happen, because he only does the bare minimum and doesn't have money. Dad has a huge fear of failure, abandonment, and change. He says he hears me and understands...but in the next conversation, he says he never said what I heard (which I know was correct) and that I twisted his words. I guess my question in all this is whether I should even try anymore, or whether I should walk away. Friends say to run. I don't know of anything else I can do that I haven't already (praying, talking, counseling, books, patience). Even dad's mom is on my side. She says dad has had anger problems in the past, that he is overly defensive, and that he needs to let son go. Son will never go if not pushed. Dad won't push son until I push dad, and that results in tons of arguing. I love dad, but I am not going to sign up for this for the rest of my life. Is there any chance that it will get better? Or do I need to let go now?