Pot Smoking 19 year old skid

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Just over a year ago me and my fiancé bought a house together. At the time his 18 year old son was living with him full time and moved to our new house with us.
I have a son who lives with us half time who is currently 17 years old, does not drink, smoke, do drugs and is very respectful.

However my ss who is now 19 years old is not like that. We don't have a ton of rules, but he was told to respect other peoples property, clean up after himself, keep his room tidy and no drugs or he is out.

Well he keeps on breaking all the rules and his dad does nothing except change them to accommodate his son's rule breaking.

The biggest one is the drugs. He was told if he was using drugs he cannot live here. Well it has been very obvious that he smokes pot.

My fiancé lent him a car to use this summer and told him to keep it clean and no smoking cigarettes in it. So he used it all summer as a garbage can on wheels, smoked cigarettes in it and pot, the car smelled so much of pot. But dad did nothing only mentioned how bad it smelled of pot. Did not take the car away, no punishment, nothing.

My fiancé says well as long as he does not smoke at home and in the house.

Well last night as I was making my usual trip to his room in the basement to bring up a ton of dirty dishes up (it gets so bad that I actually start running out of dishes in the kitchen), I found a jar of pot on his desk surrounded by dirty dishes and on the floor under his desk more dirty dishes and a $300 vaporizer to inhale the pot with. I was pissed off. Well no wonder my ss has started to burn incense in his room to cover up the smell.

My fiancé who was out of town last night on business called and I explained what I found, and started to make excuses, saying maybe he wasn't smoking it in the house. I said there is no way when him and his friends take the "dog for a walk" that they can pack this thing with them, plus there is no power outlet when they are on there pot smoking walk. He then said maybe he uses it at a friends house, I said it wasn't in a tote back it was all set up ready to use.

Well anyway my fiancé said when he gets home tonight he will pack it up in a box and tell his son to get rid of the vaporizer and the pot. I am worried that he wouldn't even do that when he returns from his trip. If he ends up doing nothing, I don't even know what to say because I will be at a total loss for words. Thoughts?

I don't want pot in my house, or being smoked in my house, near my kid and thats finally. If he does not handle or do anything what should I do?

I'm just so tired of his disrespectful son not having any consequences for his actions.

Mmmm too bad Daddy already

Mmmm too bad Daddy already knows I'da just tossed the stuff and claimed innocence.

Call a family meeting and tell all three of them, your son included so you're not picking on anyone, that the next time you smell or find pot you're calling the cops. If its illegal in your state they're required to confiscate it and maybe issue a citation. With luck he'll get spooked enough to move out. I'm assuming its still illegal in your state as its now fully legal in some and many more states are following suit.

^^^^^ I agree. Do it and say

^^^^^ I agree. Do it and say nothing to anybody. Just do it. What's SS going to do? My step daughter was burning candles in her room (she also was doing pot), and I told her repeatedly to not burn candles in her room. I'm a firefighters daughter, and this child is so irresponsible! So one morning I go in there and it smells like something had been burning, and sure enough I found her cache of candles, plus matches that had been lit and just thrown into trash improperly (without running under water). So I rounded up all the candles and threw them in the garbage. She was pissed. I didn't care. I did go out and buy her a thing that melts wax and makes it smell nice in her room so she could have the scent, but without the flame. Of course, she never used it. I did buy her that so as to ease some of the pain/cost of losing her candles.

Maybe SS needs to start paying rent/food?? Sounds like her has no motivation to not spend money on pot. Does he do it for medicinal purposes, or for recreational? I'm assuming recreational. Good luck!

Ive done this. SS17 used to

Ive done this. SS17 used to use SD6's bedroom when he lived with us, but he had to sleep on the floor when SD6 stopped. Anyway, In the end cos he kept pinching stuff, I routinely went under SD6's bed that SS17 was using and would return the stuff he pinched to its rightful place. I found pot and a grinder once, so I binned the pot and gave the grinder to OH and said "not acceptable, will not have that in this house where 1 6yr old lives and another stays"

SS17 never mentioned the pot, why would he, and eventually OH pulled him about the grinder. I found the grinder again, and binned it without a word to anyone...

Why would you or anyone else

Why would you or anyone else choose to make a life with a person so devoid of character and basic judgment that they would tolerate the bullshit from the worthless POS SS-19?

Not to rain on the fiancé parade but really? Were I you I would inform fiancé that he and his worthless POS fuck trophy are out now. Then I would call the police, report that you have found drugs and paraphernalia in your home and have the 19yo taken away in hand cuffs.

Have the locks rekeyed before your fiancé gets back from his trip.

I would not entertain making a life with someone who has proven unequivocally that they are not of honor and character enough to jerk a knot in their toxic spawns tail.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Totally agree. OP may have

Totally agree. OP may have bought the house but hasn't married him yet - I wish I had heeded the signs and run away.
I hope OP gets counseling from an experienced addiction specialist and finds the strength to leave. It will only get worse, almost certainly. It is going to hurt to move on but finding yourself still in it after a few years will be worse.

Well my fiancé returned home

Well my fiancé returned home tonight and asked if his son's attitude was any better, because his attitude has sucked beyond belief over the last week and I said no, he is still cursing, stomping his feet around the house and being rude. He said he was going to have it out with him after ss friends who were over left. Just as I thought he did nothing. Did not talk to him about his shit attitude or about the drugs and vaporizer.

I think you guys I right I should have not told my fiancé about it at all (wanted to give him the opportunity to handle it), but if I want it handled I should have done it myself. My fiancé suffers from guilty parent syndrome from the time that he divorced his son's mother but that was over 15 years ago and needs to get over it because he has not done his kid any favours. He is a huge enabler when it comes to his son.

Fightincrazytrain asked if my fiancé smokes pot, which is a no, he doesn't even drink. So I know its not a case of them smoking up together.

Well this morning and I off to work the fiancé is staying home, I will find out when I return if he has done anything about it. If not I will pack up all the shit myself and get rid of it.

When we decided to live together we agreed that it would be best to discipline our own children, however if my ss is never disciplined and could have an effect on my child, or my beliefs then it leaves me no choice.

Flush it down the toilet and

Flush it down the toilet and throw the vaporizer in a dumpster.

The vaporizer is worth some

The vaporizer is worth some money! Sell it online and smoke the pot! leave him a note tell him he's out!

And then, kick him out. !

And then, kick him out. :-)!

I feel so bad for you that

I feel so bad for you that your DH just lets him do this stuff and doesn't support you. I would be so unhappy. Throw that shit away and don't even be sorry. Your son does not need to be around that loser! I think that SS19 needs to go, I would not have him in my home. Maybe you need to go see someone with your DH and have some counseling, because it's not good how differently you are viewing this problem. Pigs would be flying the day I saw my father be "okay" with a stoner kid in his home. Maybe it's not totally guilt with your DH but denial as well??

IIntini it is mostly guilt

IIntini it is mostly guilt with a big dose of denial, you are right. it is a hard situation, and it causes conflict because my fiancé does nothing but enable it. I came home after work today, no one else was home. I went down to the basement to see if anything had changed. Things were cleaned up in his room a little, pot and the vaporizer was gone.
When my fiancé got home I fed him a nice dinner and asked if he talked to his son, he said no "he did not have a chance". I told him I asked because it was all cleaned up.

I guess I have to handle by myself once again. What I mean but that it I asked him to talk to his son about his attitude, one morning he was swearing his head off because I was walking over head in the kitchen directly where his bedroom is under, like I do every morning to let the dog out. My fiancé did nothing about that I had to stand up for myself and told my skid "I never talk to you that way, and I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way in my own house, end of conversation".

I guess I have to do the say again.

I have not set a wedding date, and at this rate I won't. My man can't even stand up for me or against his son.

Well the skid had a friend

Well the skid had a friend over last night and not once did they take the "dog of a walk" and the basement smelled like cologne and incense. So today when I went down to collect dishes I found the vaporizer and confiscated it. I thought about telling him he could have it back when he moves out if he dares question where it went however on second thought fuck him. I think i will sell it online.

Thanks Cat. Just wondering

Thanks Cat.
Just wondering about your dynamics with your family. Are the skids grown and out and it still continues?
Pretty hard to find a man who has never had kids my age (40) or older.

The after math. Well Sunday

The after math. Well Sunday night the fiancé spoke to his son about everything. I was not privy to any of it. By Monday all I knew that his son said he thinks he is suffering from depression, I am sure it is a totally cop-out. My skid want everyone to kiss his ass or feel sorry for him.
My step son has not apologized to me for being disrespectful to me for his attitude or smoking pot in the house, he has not spoken to me since. I am sure he is waiting for me to pretend nothing happen and treat him accordingly which I refuse to do.

Tonight my fiancé opened up a little bit more about the conversation, however he was mad at his son because he does not appreciate anything, his attitude sucks and he is tired of walking on egg shells to make it easier to live with his own son. I said if you feel that way as his father, how does an outsider handle it, it is even more taxing on me. I said I will not kiss his ass, I will treat him how he treats me, and told my fiancé how I am so mad about it.

He got defensive and said "don't make me choose, because I am not going to".He continued to say "if we were talking about your son, you would feel the same". I would not be defensive if my son was in the wrong, even in the past if my son does something to irate my fiancé I mention it to him just trying to make it better for all of us to live together. I was not asking him to choose, I expect him to stand up for me if someone is treating me poorly even if it is his own flesh and blood because I would do the same for him.

My fiancé and I very rarely disagree, can't even say we fight. But I do notice when we have a large issue that upsets me we can not effectually talk about it and when I try (because he will never, always wants to brush it under the rug), I never feel better about us, I just feel worse. He does not offer any comfort to me in these times.

I am not setting a date. I will see what happens when my son is done high school next year and sell the house and talk my portion and go. My son does not need to be up righted any more than he has been in the last few years.

I am just done.

I agree with everything Cat

I agree with everything Cat has said. If your fiance doesn't have your back now, chances are he never will. I, too, feel using depression is an excuse. My SS21 used it as well. My dh and I have been married almost 3 years and his youngest suffers depression and anxiety (actually ALL 3 of his sons do. He also has SS30 and SS31). Anyway, over the course of the last year, I've been to counseling and asked my counselor if SS21 was mentally ill, she said, "No, he's a drug addict, but that ususally stems from underlying mental ISSUES. So, it COULD be possible that depression is a contributor. You might want to talk to your fiance about getting his son to see a psychiatrist. As for him making a choice, don't be surprised if he'd choose his son. My dh told me long ago if I made him choose, he'd choose his son. I have 4 daughters and would probably feel the same. I lived with his youngest and watched dh enable him and almost moved out last summer. Finally, dh kicked his son out for the 4th time in 3 years; he went on a Meth bender for a week; came home barefoot and beat up. Dh let him stay with us for a week until he got him back into rehab. He finished the 30 days, then moved into a halfway house. Dh and I have been happier than we've been in a LONG time with his kid out of our house. He still helps his son from time to time (his rent is paid by the mental part of our health insurance and he's on food stamps and currently looking for a job.) Once he moved out, I totally disengaged and remain no part of his life. I've seen him twice since he left for rehab and just seeing him takes me back to last year and how he came between me and his father. I still don't speak to him. Have no desire to. He's been nothing but a thorn in my side and a money pit since I met dh 5 years ago. If you believe your fiance won't change in regards to his son...RUN. Believe me, I have days I regret not doing just that. I firmly believe now though that my dh won't let his son EVER live at home again after he almost ruined our marriage and dh has told me many times how lucky he is to have me.

dont you love the irony? one

dont you love the irony? one adult sd is married and her sil moved in with her and her husband. sil just graduated from high school and supposedly attends college but only parties all the time and gets drunk. the girl is either on social networking or drunk, and won't do chores around the house. the husband wont do anything or say anything to his sister so the sd is fit to be tied. hit by the karma train. it took a bit for dh to see the parallels of what i had to go through when the skids were children.

dont you love the irony? one

Pot smoking 19 year strikes

Pot smoking 19 year strikes again. My 19 year old was busted yet AGAIN with his pot and pipes in our house. I even found evidence that he was smoking it in the basement yet again.

My finance bagged everything up and put it into the garage and was going to talk to him the next day, my skid wasn’t scheduled to come home until very late that night.

Needless to say I was very angry for him disrespecting the house rules that have been very clear regarding drugs.

In the morning before I went to work I took the bag of drugs and paraphernalia and hid it, not trusting that my fiancé will do anything about the situation but give it back to his kid.

I received a call from my fiancé wanting to know where the stuff was and I said I got rid of it. He said where? I asked him why does it matter? It went back and forth for a while when my fiancé told me he was going to use it to give his son a choice, a choice to take the items in the bag and move out or not to take them and stay, he said he would feel guilty kicking him out and making that decision however this way it was his son’s own decision.

When I did return home that night I was told that the skid would be moving out at the end of this month. My fiancé already gave him back the drugs and paraphernalia, I would have waited until he was out the door if I was going to even give it back at all.

It’s the end of the month and no signs of him packing or leaving. I know he did talk to his friends about moving in with them, but I have seen to movement.

We are now getting our house ready to put on the market for sale and I will not have this messy disrespectful teenager living here when we are trying to sell the house. Nor do I want him moving into the house I just bought.

I over heard my fiancé talking to him about the new house and “if he comes to live there ”. Unbelievable!!! I wonder when my fiancé plans on telling me any of this.

Right now the house we live in we both have paid for, I owning a considerable amount more into it. However the other house I purchased is only in my name and so far my money, once I take my funds out of the current house and put it into the new one, I will be without a mortgage. The reason I choose to sell and move is for that reason. But I will not tolerate any of this shit in my house.

I am going to waiting to see when my fiancé even brings it up to me if he ever does.
Or if I have to inform him that his son can’t move in just before possession day of the new house. Needless to say I have put a hold on any wedding planning.

I am so angry about this. I am losing respect everyday for my fiancé.

"the car smelled so much of

"the car smelled so much of pot. But dad did nothing only mentioned how bad it smelled of pot. Did not take the car away, no punishment, nothing."

So dad doesn't care that his son is putting his and other peoples' lives in danger by driving under the influence?

It sounded as though you were ready to end it a month ago if this situation wasn't resolved. It doesn't seem to be resolved. I wouldn't even let your fiance move into the new house at this point.

I love my fiancé however I am

I love my fiancé however I am losing all respect for him on how he handles situations with his son. I agree that the car should have been taken away and other punishment. The skid never has consequences for any if his actions.
My skid has been disrespectful to me, swearing at me, going through my things and using them without asking and of course drinking any booze that I have in the house.
I am so very tired of feeling like I have no control in my own house, it feels like the skid makes the rules and his dad lets him.

I was able to tough it out until the end of the month however I don't think I can do it in the long term. Right now I am biting my tonge and waiting to see when and if my fiancé talks to me about this.how he handles this will I believe speak volumes about our relationship and if there is a future.

Why haven't you called the

Why haven't you called the police on your Skid? Quit playing this bullshit game and let the law deal with his crap.

Rags, if I called them into

Rags, if I called them into my house for possession of pot I could get charged and don't need that I got enough crap to deal with.

Wow ~ is all I can say !!!

You are allowing that kid to run your life. You are living on a prayer he your fiancé is not going to change. He is telling both of you ~ what you want to hear. You should b present when he is speaking to his son about anything that happens in YOUR home.

I would have thrown his shit out of the house ~ that would get his attention. Giving him back his shit ~ you shifted the control back to him.

I have been through shit where my fiancé's daughter has played him like a freakin violin. Duhhhh get a clue people !!! You are not insane but if you believe he your fiancé is going to change. That is insane ~ doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome is the true definition of insanity.
He parents out of guilt ~ what's the worse that will happen ~ little Prince Charming moves out of your house ??? Big deal ~ he sounds like he relies on Daddio for everything. The son will need his father long before the father will need the son. Sure your fiancé will miss him but your sanity counts as well.

Where is your breaking point ??? My SD happened to leave my house over 4 years ago n I AM FINE with it. He can visit veruca salt on his own term n venues. Not in my house ~ nottttt happening.

Grace, you said "I received a

Grace, you said "I received a call from my fiancé wanting to know where the stuff was and I said I got rid of it. He said where? I asked him why does it matter? It went back and forth for a while when my fiancé told me he was going to use it to give his son a choice, a choice to take the items in the bag and move out or not to take them and stay, he said he would feel guilty kicking him out and making that decision however this way it was his son’s own decision."

Then later in the post you talked of your fiance giving the stuff to him. Thus it's clear that you must have fallen into the trap of telling him where the stuff was and thus you enabled him to play this weird illogical game with his son whereby so little authority does he have in his own home, that he actually assists his son to implicate him in offending behavior. That's how bad it's gotten between them. It's as if pot is his king too. This story about "giving him a choice" is pure BS, and part of the self-dialogue of the addict. But he fell for his own silly yarn, and then you like a domino fell for it too. The whole home is affected by addictive and dependent thinking. Clearly you need a break from these people.

If you find any more of that stuff, flush it. Forget him "being given" a choice. You are not giving yourself one.

Omg I'm in the same boat only

Omg I'm in the same boat only mine is 17

Keys word here "Fiance," back

Keys word here "Fiance," back out now. This will only get worse. You'll still be complaining about this when he is 25 and he and his druggie girlfriend and their illegitimate crack baby are living with you.

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Pot Smoking 19 year old skid