Obviously I don't have much info in your situation. I don't know how old she was when parents split and i don't know when she met you, but i will base my opinion solely in my case. I would not want her in my house. Period. I would feel used and betrayed (by DH) if he allowed it. DH and BM split when SD was 2, so she has no memory of them ever being together. I met DH when SD was 3 and we got married when she was 4, she is now 6, I love her and she loves me. In the future if she said she hated me and left, i would not want her back, PERIOD. Not after many years of sacrifice and effort to have a good relationship. Not after years of doing everything for her (and not DH)... IF DH wanted to be with his daughter after such disrespect, and if he didn't see that she is just coming back because there is no where to go, I would MAKE him choose. Either I stay, and she doesn't, or she stays and I LEAVE... No child will use me as a puppet, and I will not witness MY dh being one either.

Good grief, that is a pretty strong statement and I also agree. She sounds like trouble. You know there's a problem when your own relatives don't want you living with them. Isn't there someplace else she can go? Perhaps to a young women's shelter or something? Since there's already friction between the two of you I would be against her moving in because you know she's only going to cause more conflict.

But since DH is her last resort, it's likely that he'll push to take her in. If he does, set house rules for her to adhere to (in writing). And set a timeframe for her to move out so she doesn't get too comfortable. Do everything in your power to help her find a job so she can start saving money to get her own place. If you plan correctly, she can be in her own place at 18 . . even if you have to help her financially to keep her out of your house.

If she doesn't abide by the rules, DH should contact an agency that can provide housing for her as well as other assistance (school, counseling, etc.). Whatever happens, don't allow her foolishness to end your marriage.

Good luck.

Do you have any kids? The only thing I would suggest is how you would feel if it wasnt your SD but your Bio. The way I look at it is my BF got with me knowing that I had a daughter. She is my responsability until she is 18. Now on the other side of that ... how involved did BM keep you guys when she lived with her? The reason I ask is because BFs BM does not give him any say in what the kids do, how they are raised, what activities she plans for them. So I have pointed out to BF that one day the skids are going to be out of control and that I was not ok with her calling us however many years down the road to fix what she messed up. So if that is the situation you are in then no I would not be ok with her coming back.

My SD is 14 and living with BM. I am predicting same thing will happen in a few years. I think my reaction will depend on whether or not she is pregnant.

If SD17 is NOT pregnant take her in and protect her! On the streets she will be exploited, get into the wrong crowd, drugs and boys (if she hasn't already gone through that phase).

I feel you need support, like a local teacher or mentor. This girl needs hope, guidance and love. You are NOT her mother, but you can be a support, guide and she should respect that you love her father. For me, the SM was jealous of me, but she realised that I was sticking by and supporting her dad, and also that I felt her and DH had aspects to them I both loved and found frustrating.
Does that make sense?

SD is after all made up of DH and if you try to focus on that fact, it will help. Is SD planning to go to College? How are her grades? Has she ever worked? Make sure that she has aspirations! Maybe help her to find opportunities such as working in summer camps, retail or travel?

Don't dump her on the street. You and DH are her last hope, don't let her down!

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND FOR NIGHTEEN YEARS. MY SD WAS 3 THEN.... SWEET AND INNOCENT. THEN PROGRESSIVELY BM AND MY MIL (BOTH WANTING THE LOVE OF THIS VERY MANIPULATIVE GIRL) BRAINWASHED AND SPOILED HER. SHE IS HAREFUL, STEALS FROM OUR HOME, HURTS BOTH HER FATHER AND ME WITH HERE CUTTING WORDS. SHE WANTS NO RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR BD AGE 11 AND BS AGE 9. SHES 22 AND IS TOTALLY SCREWED UP. ON TUESDAY OF THIS WEEK IT WAS MY HUSBANDS BDAY. NO PHONE CALL WAS MADE TO HIM. THE NEXT MORNING SHE SENDS A VINDICTIVE TEXT STATING SHE HAD TRIED CALLING MY CELL AND I NEVER GAVE HIM THE PHONE. SHE IMPLIED THAT I WAS SCREENING THE PHONE CALLS. ( WE ALSO HAVE A LANDLINE PHONE THAT SHE DIDNT TRY.) I CALLED MY CELL CARRIER AND THEY CONFIRMED THAT NO INCOMING CALLS FROM HER CELL CAME THAT DAY AT ALL. SHOCKER! ANOTHER LIE. THEN SHE COMES GUNNING FOR ME STATING I AM TRYING TO KEEP HER DADDY FROM HER AND THAT I AM TRYING TO MAKE HER LOOK BAD IN THE EYES OF HER DAD. SHES A MANIPULATIVE PERSON AND I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED AND TRIED. AND AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS OF ABUSE I AM JUST DONE. I GOOGLE DAILY HOW TO DEAL WITH LYING AND MANIPULATIVE STEPDAUGHTERS, AND I NEED A WAY TO JUST UNDERSTAND WHY AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS SHES STILL HATEFUL

Hi dina,
This situation sounds similar to what my DH found himself in when his girls (my sds) were a few years younger. He tried putting them in one of the places for troubled teens to learn rules, respect, and responsiblilty (place where they have to earn absolutely everything even the privilege of calling home). Unfortunately, I don't see where this actually worked, but if she can't get emancipated (most judges want proof they can support themselves and stay in school etc.) Maybe you should consider a place like this anyway. As far as emancipation goes...one of his went to court and got it. He told the judge "I've sent her to school, I've sent her to a home, and I've sent her to jail, if she wants to play grown up then let her find out what it is really like". He had tried everything under the sun to get this child to follow rules and staying out all night with her boyfriend partying was her only priority. She even got her self permantly kicked out of school. At 15 the judge cut her loose. Now in her twenties she isn't doing much better, but there just was no way to control her, or get her to do anything she should have been doing. We are now just waiting for her to finally grow up....
If she wants to try it let her. Chances are she will make both your lives a living hell if you hold her back and if you let her try it and the judge shoots her down then hey you weren't the bad guys. I believe it does get better one day but brace yourself for what happens in the mean time. I wish you the best of luck here. Only thing I can tell you is there comes a time when you have to step back and let them make horrible mistakes. These are the I know everything years and anything you both try to tell her she won't listen to. Discuss it with your husband, if you both agree then sit her down and make it VERY clear if she gets emancipated she can not stay with you, get money, household goods, food etc. If she chooses to "play grown up" make her play by the rules. It didn't work in our case, but in some cases the child actually does have a wake up call and straighten up.