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"A piece of paper doesn't entitles you to be family to me" - Part II - My husband had a talk with her

DeadInDetails's picture

 

Hi

First of all I would like to thank all the messages I got in my last blog, it helped me a lot.

I could see my expectations were unrealistic

For those who didn't read, there it is:

https://www.steptalk.org/blog/deadindetails/piece-paper-doesnt-entitles-...

Yesterday morning I had a conversation about the incident with his daughter.

He was shocked. He decided to have a talk with her. I begged him not to, but when he dcides something, nobody can change his mind.

He invited her to go dinner with us, she accepted. We went to a local restaurant .

He confronted her about the subject and she said:

"Do you really think coertion will make me change my mind? No, it won't. I said everything she said I said."

She continued:

"I really said her that stepbullshit is just a post-modernity bullshit. It doesn't exist. 1st: you can't be a step to an existing thing, the parent exists, dead or alive, your wishes won't change the fact. 2nd: the stepbullshit is just some pathetic people seeking validation for their feelings, beliefs and acts. Pretty easy to understand: a person comes from a failed project, invested his/her time, energy, feelings, that project dies suddenly. That person starts a new project. What is the most human thing to do? Do not commit the same mistakes. So, in that try, people decides to be their best version. If the project comes with a child, they try to win over that child. No, it isn't because they are so excited to be a new person loving an adorable and inoocent child, it is because they can't delete that painful remainder of someone's past. In other hand, they are deep afraid to fail again. That's why the stepbullshit relationships are so hard, people aren't honest. 3rd: That 'I'm not trying to replace your parent' is a complete bullshit. You're indeed and unconsciously trying. You see something that bugs you in a child, wouldn't be tempted to 'fix' it? Make it your way? The main problem is our deep feelings are scaring. Ask any step parent or children if they really care about each other. Ask if they would miss each other. Ask if they could delete each other, if they would hesitate. They wouldn't. Before I went to work on my grandpa's company as a headhunter, he chose me because of  that ice cold heart as he says (she laughed), I worked with families. 98% of them answered my questions negatively. It may sound a bit harsh, but, in a world where people take Martin's bullshit so seriously, someone needs to be the bad guy. People tends to blame others for their own expectations and perceptions of life."

Me and my husband couldn't not believe that, but honestly, I didn't think she was wrong, you guys made me think.

She continued

"About your mom. She was rude trying to force family ties on me. I'm not her relative, she had no right to call me her GD. About you, I can't be blamed for you past and specially for your expectations."

After that she lefted. 

My husband said he was sorry and I said he nothing to be sorry about.

Me? I was fine. I bit disappointed by such coldness... 

hereiam's picture

Haha! Alrighty, then.

She seems to have put a lot of thought into this, maybe too much.

Again, there is something between considering you a step mom and being a robot.

Miss T's picture

... her "reasoning" is dead wrong. Too much here to unpack. I'll just say that the root cause of all stepdrama is competition for finite resources (emotional and material such as money). That, and she's a complete idiot.

If she's the kind of psychologist who works directly with people, I wonder how she deals with clients complaining about being treated badly by a spouse's kids.

Nolongernewlyweds's picture

“If the project comes with a child, they try to win over that child. No, it isn't because they are so excited to be a new person loving an adorable and inoocent child, it is because they can't delete that painful remainder of someone's past”

SD sounds like she let you in on her real feelings. She is dehumanizing your marriage with her dad by calling it a new project, and also disclosing that she, as the innocent, would have been “deleted” if you had that option.  It’s very sad, but it sounds like she doesn’t believe that you have the capacity to love her for who she is.  She must have been struggling with her sexual orientation right around the time you married her father, which could have triggered her feeling like an outsider both with her family and society.  

Thank you for sharing this and I hope you are comforted by those who love you and know your heart ❤️ 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Wow, you are so fortunate to know her true feelings; most feel this way and hide it for far too long; because it is horribly selfish and destroys any hope of being family.

Save your resources, she has shown you who she is... believe her-the first time.

Project deleted!

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

CTRL+ALT+DELETE

PROJECT. DELETED.

ETA - SDFROMHELL.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING. REBOOTING IN 3...2...1

tog redux's picture

Well, she's a bit angry, isn't she! Anyway, I'm glad you can tone down your expectations and not feel so hurt. 

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

She sounds like one of those people who likes to over analyze pretty much everything in their lives...and everyone's motives. She has some massive trust issues and sounds like a real peach- none of this sounds like it's a reflection on you or a lack of effort on your part.

Stop trying. Be civil when and if you see her.  It's not you...it's her.   Move on with your DH in your own lives and let her be.

Aniki's picture

SD is not cold-hearted. She's freaking P!SSED. But she knows how to put that fiery PO'd under lock and key and PRESENT IT as cold-hearted. She spent waaaaaaaaay too much time thinking about this AND her response is so long, it was definitely planned out. 

And there you have it. You're not her family. She's not your family. Be thankful. Take a page out of her book when/if you see her again. Be polite, but distant. Like a slow train to Pluto distant.

grace8205's picture

That would be disappointing and hurtful but I'm glad you are going to move on. It sounds like your DH's kid has some serious issues. Talk about cold, bet you could freeze ice on her a$$. 

Rags's picture

This broken semi adult is going to fail miserably in her close relationships.  She has zero ability to empathize with anyone. She shut her father down, she shut you down, she shut her her mother down and made a choice to insult your mother who far from being rude was being engaging and welcoming when she referred to the automaton SD as her GD.

This young woman has zero ability to comprehend that far from being fabrications the artificial relationships she claims are not real are actually very real and are with actual people with hearts she is hell bent on repeatedly shattering with her holier than thow false superiority bullshit.

I would say that rather than accept the pain she is dishing out in the guise of being a woke new world millenial just let her stew in her toxic shit and when her STB wife ditches her for someone capable of loving and being loved and she crumbles onto a quivering mess of pain then you and daddy can sit her down and strip her toxic flesh off layer by layer pointing out how her insistance on hurting people is coming back to her in spades with every  layer of her quivering butt hurt heart broke flesh you peal to expose her little girl COD daddy issues and then help her rebuild into a decent person.

Intellect, education and success do not a good person make if that person is devoid of basic human compassion.

Until she hits rock bottom with a broken heart when her wife leaves her due to a lack of emotional intimacy you and her father need to stop pursuing her and trying to extract compassion from this robotic semi human.

Do not serve yourself up for more pain from this broken young woman.  Until she finds pain beyond anything she has yet immagined when she gets dumped, there is no hope for her.

Good luck.

All IMHO of course.

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

She's not worth your time. Be thankful your DH has your back; some would still be chasing these cold-hearted SDs trying to win them over.

Write her off.  Not only is she a poor SD, she's a nasty unaccepting person.

Merry's picture

"Postmodern" bullshit. Sounds like one too many philosophy or sociology or gender studies classes. (And I have no problem with any of those things.). She has turned this into a heartless academic exercise so that she can justify being angry. 

And I'm itching to take her on, cold point by cold point. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

However, her behavior exemplifies the input given to SMs on this forum on a daily basis. They are told to " Disengage. Do not spend your time, money or your emotion on his children. They are not your familly. Focus on your real children. Not your monkeys; not your show. You cannot create a Brady bunch. You should come first "

This young  woman 's disengagement exemplifies every bit of advice given to SMs. The difference here is that the child chose to disengage.

She articulated her disengagement early on but her position was neither accented or respected.  On several occasions, she was placed on the position of having to defend her disengagement.

Now she is being vilified for doing exactly what SMs are advised to do multiple times each day.

The young woman was civil.She did not seek neither financial nor emotional support. She accepted the OP as her father 's wife. She made no efforts to disrupt or interfere with the marriage, and yet she is the villain?

It seems that disengagement  must be only in the  SM domain and not an acceptable option for others.

SacrificialLamb's picture

And why, oh Miss knowledgeable therapiss CG are SM's told to disengage? Because the poor widdle skids exist and the SM won't accept the skids into her cold frozen heart? No, if you have understood anything we have said, quite the contrary.  Because the SM can't win no matter what.  We are second class citizen, toys to play with, pawns for daddy to shun to prove to poor deprived skids - some middle-aged - that daddy loves them best.

While the SD can decide the SM is not her family, her attitude in communicating it is representative of an angry, unforgiving and unaccepting person.  This young woman was NOT civil. She was happy to accept a free lunch and deliver the message in a cold-hearted manner. There are people I don't want a relationship with either but I don't get out the knife to deliver a fake philosphical message.

It's sad that real SM's have to come to this site on Christmas Eve for help, but what's truly sad is a non-SM hanging out on this site on Christmas Eve.

But we know who you are and why you are here.  About as realistic as this post.

Merry Christmas, and may you find something better to do with your time next year.

StepUltimate's picture

"It's sad that real SM's have to come to this site on Christmas Eve for help, but what's truly sad is a non-SM hanging out on this site on Christmas Eve."

theoldredhen's picture

It's telling, CG, that you would be so supportive of and almost complimentary towards a cold-hearted woman without an ounce of empathy. I suspect that OP's stepdaugher reflects your own personality.

As much as I try to ignore your unkind comments, there are times when they enrage me to the point where I feel steam coming out of my ears tho' I also suspect that creating dissention is your currency. 

How about making a New Year's resolution to lighten up a bit? It would make the entire ST community so very happy!