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Pathetic adult SD doesn't want to leave the nest

Shannon61's picture

I live with DH and SD (26). When we got married (2 years ago), the plan was she'd finish school, get a job and get her own place.
We never bonded and suffice to say we only tolerate each other.

She recently found work and the other day she told DH that she knows he's ready for her to leave so we can have our privacy. She's too selfish to be concerned about anyone else so I think her comment was an effort to guilt him into saying she could stay as long as she wants. She will be 27 in a few months.

DH fell for the bait and told her he wanted her to save her money first and that he wasn't going to kick her out . . bottom line . .he didn't give her a move out date. I've told DH that if she doesn't move out next year, I will.

Does anyone else see this pathetic manipulation? This is the results of coddling your adult chidren.

Opinions wanted please!


LizGrace65's picture

I agree - 26 is too old. SO has a friend in his late 20's who still lives with his parents (SO is a bit younger than me, and looks younger than his age, so tends to have some young friends), so he and I have discussed this. Neither of us understands how someone of that age could *want* to stay at home in such close proximity to their parents. No matter how great the relationship is, I can't imagine not wanting complete freedom and independence.

It's a moot point now, since he left already, but SO and I agreed that SS could stay here while still in school. If he went to college, which was never a given, he'd be expected to have a job, and he'd be expected to provide certain things for himself (like transportation) and also kick back something for the household. SO and I both work hard, and once SS is out of high school he can begin to take on some of the responsibilities of an adult member of the household.

If he didn't go to college, SO and I agreed he'd need to be out of our house. You're either in school (and even in school you don't get a free ride), or you feel you've already prepared yourself fully for adulthood so you can go ahead and get on out.

SO and I see things very similarly in this area.

There is no way in *hell* SS would be permitted to be still living with us at 26.

Of course when family gets in trouble (as in the example of another poster) then you do what you can to help. But that is (as another poster pointed out) not the same as never going out on your own.

At 26, she should be on her own. No question.


Shannon61's picture

Thank you all for your responses. Goforit you are so right that DH needs to give her a move out date but he refuses to do it. I've also told DH that he's crippling her and causing her more harm than good but he doesn't get it. I've told him time and time again she needs to grow up and live her own life.

Not only that, but I can't understand why she's not excited about going out into the world . forging a path for herself. I couldn't wait to move out and was excited about my independence, decorating my place, etc. I don't see that in her.

I love DH dearly, but I don't think I have a choice except to leave them here together. For the record, I was against moving in the first place and should have followed my first mind. My advice to others . .if you can avoid it . .don't move in with DH and adult stepchildren . .unless you're a glutton for conflict!

oneoffour's picture

My daughter (now22) moved home 14 months ago from the doomed relationship of 3 yrs complete with grand daughter. She is working hard, at school full time AND raising her daughter 50/50 with GDs father.

She cannot WAIT to move out. She is moving out in either Spet or Oct this year. Definitely before November. Living with us for another 5 yrs? She would rather DIE.

But she will still be in school full time and working part time and still caring for her daughter.

What is it with these men hanging onto their daughters and sons forever?

bizbear's picture

I agree with all of you...26 is way too old and she found a job! So what is stopping her? I finished college at 22, found a job and moved out at the age of 23. I lost my roommate after a year and moved back home for a short period of time AND COULD NOT WAIT TO BE BACK OUT ON MY OWN. The only way I could afford to move out was to share expenses with a roommate. Within the year I had another roommate and I moved out again, never to return.

I am in a similiar situation with SO's daughter. The difference here is that she doesn't have a job, fired after 5 days of her first job at the age of 20. Flunked out of college twice.

I think she thinks that the BS she tells her father is believable. She manipulates him all the time, in a very subtle way. If it wasn't so tragic, it would be laughable. My own bio daughter of 18 sees through her BS.

I wish I knew what motivates these fathers. My ex is the same way with our daughter...but would never allow her to live off of him at that age. He just caters to her now and is looking forward to her moving out in August to attend college.

I would love to see SO back his daughter into a corner and watch her squirm. I would look her in the eye and give her a look that said 'I have been on to you all along'. I think I would cheer and do cartwheels naked down the middle of the street.

SO has a good job and manages a number of people. I'm sure he would never tolerate this from his working peers... it would eventually be his hide. Why can't he make the same connection with the daughter, ecspecially when she is a lazy, unproductive manipulator.

She says she is looking for work yet he rarely, if ever presses her on where she looks for work. Gees, she can't even clean her room! LOL.

keepingmymouthshut's picture

Oh I see my future Shannon! My SD has graduated from college and is going on to grad school, and has lived with us for the last 8 months prior to heading to grad school. My marriage (of 2 yrs) has gone right down the crapper since she moved home. Doesn't the manipulation and DH's complete ignorance to it make you want to scratch your eyes out? And he refuses to do/say anything which would even minutely inconveniece her (like clean up the dishes, take your laundry out of the laundry room, clean up your junk). My biggest fear is that grad school won't work out and she'll be right back with I understand. Is there anything wrong with asking her to go live with BM??

bizbear's picture

No! At least your SD graduated from college...make a pack that when she gets onto grad school, she doesn't return home.

Shannon61's picture

To keepingmymouthshut . . .my SD and her mom didn't start getting along until recently. I was against moving in from the start and I recommended that she move in with her mom and DH's response was "but she's living with me now." So that was the end of that.

SD finished grad school in December and is supposed to start work in a few weeks. . .finally. BM used her connections to get her the job because all she wanted to do was play computer games and sleep all day. We'd recommend job fairs but she wouldn't go. Even BM knows it's time for her to move out.

I've made the decision to not argue any more and make my plans accordingly. I didn't marry him to spend my life relegated to living with him and his lazy, pathetic daughter playing the princess role. I've had 2 years of this BS and enough is enough.

I wish you the best.

bizbear's picture

YOu are right the line about playing computer games and sleeping all day...same here

keepingmymouthshut's picture

Thanks Shannon...I too wish you the best. I have said to my DH that I didn't get married to him to live with him AND the princess who feels entitled to everything(of course, in much nicer terms), and of course I get, "you knew I had kids when you married me." I am convinced that he will never comprehend the level of frustration that I regularly and consistently have with her living with us. I have also made the decision not to argue anymore and since she's leaving in a few weeks, we'll see how it goes. I hope things get better for you.

Markie's picture

I have a nearly identical situation to Shannon, my wifes daughter is 27, has lived out of our house for maybe 3 of the last 9 years. She has a job at a nursing home, (shes had 4 in the last 5 yrs.) We've had a hard time ourselves the last couple years, we lost our home in March of last year and wound staying with one of my friends until Jan. of this year. We found a house we could afford, and was ready to start again. The first time we went to look at the house, on the way home, my wife says to me, what do I think of her daughter moving in with us.....I said I didn't think much of it at all. Of course that lead to a fight, and her saying "Why do you have to be such an ass". Days passed and nothing else was said about it. The time came, and we moved into the house, we moved on Saturday, and her daughter was here on Monday morning, with all her stuff in the car. By Monday afternoon, the wife and I were fighting about it,(again). It ended up with her crying, trying to tell me she thought it would help us, that it will just be for a couple months. That was six months ago, the daughter is still here, works when she feels like it, and there is no end in sight, she has no plan, no ambition, no desire to do anything towards finding her own way. Anytime I say anything to her, or to the wife about her, it's a fight, I'm being unreasonable because I think someone of the daughters age should be on her own.
Most recently, we are going downhill money wise, the only thing my wife has to pay out of her part time check is a $90 a week car payment. The last four weeks, she has had any where from $60-130 left after making the car payment, and she is always broke on Monday morning, no gas in the car, no food in the house, and she is broke. the common factor is always her daughter, who always seems to have money to run around on the weekend, but struggles with having gas to get to work.
It would take me days, and numerous pages to write everything that has brought us to this point, but can anyone offer any input on this situation. It's looking to me like a parting of ways is the only answer here, we have been together for 12 years now, I love my wife, but lately I'm finding myself not liking her very much, I don't wish anything bad to her or her kids, but, I am just plain miserable, because I don't see anything changing, ever.

Milomom's picture

Welcome Markie! I hope that you will find most people here on Steptalk to be as wonderful, supportive and caring as I have.

This site has literally saved my 6+ year relationship with my BF (not to mention my sanity).

I must say that your reply to this post literally scared the SHIT out of me, because I am so afraid I will "end up" in exactly the same situation you are in if I stay with my BF and eventually marry him.

I have a couple of questions for you, since I don't know much about your situation:

1. Has your wife always "coddled" her daughter like this the entire 12 years you've been with her?
2. Has your wife at least TRIED to raise her daughter to be educated, independent and a self-sufficient woman? Or has she been more of an "enabler", constantly giving her money, allowing her to be lazy, not work, etc?
3. Is your wife from a similar background? Meaning, was she also always dependent on a man (or another person, for that matter) for her normal needs?

It sounds to me like you love your wife and have been trying very hard to be a good husband, but deep down you are miserable and are not in the relationship that you DESERVE to be in. Is your relationship with your wife generally very give-and-take? Like a team or a partnership? Maybe you've been on the "giving" end too many times and she's always on the "receiving" end? Does your wife appreciate you? TRULY appreciate you?

My advice would be to sit down and ask yourself the REALLY TOUGH questions like these, and answer them HONESTLY. If you have a friend/family member that knows your situation and knows both of you, maybe they can be an objective observer for you and give you some good advice/strategies for what to do. I know you don't want to end your marriage (at least it sounds from your post like you don't) and I agree with that - I am not one to tell people to "RUN" when times get tough.

I hope my reply has helped you out a little bit. I hope that you stay here because I think that Steptalk would be a great place for you to get advice, support and honest answers to your questions/concerns.

Your post definitely hit a "sore" spot with me, in terms of where my OWN relationship is now, and where it is headed. I am so scared that my BF's daughter (I refer to her as SDstb16, even though we aren't married yet, we've been living together for over 2 years and I've known my skids for 6+ years) will be EXACTLY like yours 10 years from now. So far she has already failed math in 9th & 10th grade and has also failed science in 10th grade (passing this state exam was required in order for her to graduate from high school). I am very, very concerned that since she is lazy, unmotivated, entitled, spoiled (she is a carbon copy of her mother - on a fast track to NOWHERE-ville) that my BF will be forced to support her for MANY, MANY years to come.

Ironic, our BM just decided that, at 40 years old, she maybe would get her first full-time job and went to a junior college for a nursing program. Being that SHE herself was preggo at 17 & a high-school dropout, she found college too difficult & failed out first semester herself. She then went to some kind of bubble-gum technical school to get her LPN (nursing license) - God help the people that she's in charge of "HELPING" with their health!! Oh, and did I mention that she presently ALSO works at a NURSING HOME, too??? She's now enrolled in some online course to try to further her "certificate" program. Meanwhile, her whole ENTIRE life she has been financially DEPENDENT (translation: LEECH) on every man she has ever been involved with - INCLUDING my BF (her exH), who is currently paying her over $1,600/mo. to raise her own children on merely a 50/50 joint custody basis. She lives off the CS$$, spends it on fresh tattoos (she recently covered her ENTIRE back with one - GROSS!! Hmmm...I wonder where she got that kind of $$$, probably $1,000-$2,000 in fresh tats) and only works when she "feels like it".

My SDstb16, I am afraid, will end up being JUST.LIKE.HER.MOTHER.