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Overhearing SD Talk About You

DogGuardian's picture

If you have read my previous post you have gathered that the insulation in our property is a bit out of date and you can hear converstations quiet clearly from other rooms.  If we weren't in lockdown then I most likely wouldn't be home and most likely would be clueless to SD's gossip with her BM. Im not sure if I would rather not know or would rather know and have the knowledge of what this girl is actually like!

My SO asked a couple of days ago if we would like a take out at the weekend, this was after I had said that I would not be cooking for everyone anymore as I found it unfair and was quiet frankly sick of it....... SO made it sound like I was bitching about it but I suppose it negates him from it and makes it seem the problem is all me.  Anyway I said to him that I would like to put some money in as I felt it unfair that he paid all the time and SD just sat there and said nothing.  SO other than jokingly said are you going to put your hand in your pocket and her answer was 'Dad you have always told me to save my money' To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement as she doesn't believe she should offer anything unless its on her terms.  I have bought takeways and she never ever offers anything, even though if she did I would most likely say thank you for offering but thats ok.

So just now I overheard her talking to her BM about this scenario and she said they asked me to put money into a takeaway and I won't do it unless I choose to.  If they ask me to do something then I won't do it but if I choose to do it then thats ok.  And that is exactly why I feel powerless in my own home because Princess SD thinks its ok to pick and choose when she does things and if she is asked she just won't do it.  Her BM endorses this behaviour too and when I approach SO about it then he tells me to give her a break.  

On a plus note I have stopped doing her washing and I will not do it for her.  I am choosing not to Smile

failuretolaunch's picture

You pick and choose what you want to do.

I've stopped cooking for mine, I've now relinquished any form of discipline or getting involved in anyway. I'll cook for them when it suits me otherwise not. I will buy takeaways for my kids but not hers anymore unless I feel like it. You owe her nothing and if she doesn't like it or your SO doesn't like it tough. Let her bitch to her mum, big deal. If the mum wants to take it up with the dad let her do so, if the SD doesn't want to come there any more - FANTASTIC she can pi$$ off.

You owe them nothing and you don't have to be liked by her or the BM. It's BD's problem with her and the ex and if he wants to talk to you about it he can and you can tell him you are not her mother and have no responsibility to her whatsoever apart from CHOOSING what you want to do when you want to do it. See. It works both ways.

If he can't step up then why should you. I've realise that my only job is to try and be as nice as possible to my SK's. I don't even have to engage with them if they can't even be bothered to engage with me.

I've struggled with this disengagement for a bit and I think I got it wrong to start with. It's only been about 3 weeks, but I am finding the balance and I am realising that I owe them nothing apart from being nice to them and leaving everything else to BM. If they aint nice to me then I will ignore them and tell BM. Luckily it's been accepted and I've not gone toooooo far the other way. They are older than yours thoough / adults now. I've done my duty.

fakemommy's picture

Your SD is 23. You guys aren't responsible for feeding her. She's an adult and should be treated like a roommate in this case. If she's hungry, she can figure it out. If you order take out, you can offer to order some for her and while making that offer, tell her she can venmo you for her portion if she doesn't have cash. If she's mad and wants to move out, thats a good thing.

simifan's picture

^^^^

So much this. You don't contribute. You don't eat.

Stepdrama2020's picture

But arent they all? She will never contribute cause even when daddio asks her too he will never actually expect it. These shitty dads have such low expectations of their snotty brats that this is what you get.

I would do nothing, say nothing, and give nothing towards her. Other than offering boxes so she can pack and move the hell out. 

It is such a self esteem buster when your DH caters and spoils a grown woman, his DD, and the wife is treated like chopped liver. BTDT and NEVER AGAIN!

Movingonisbest's picture

So just now I overheard her talking to her BM about this scenario and she said they asked me to put money into a takeaway and I won't do it unless I choose to.  If they ask me to do something then I won't do it but if I choose to do it then thats ok.  And that is exactly why I feel powerless in my own home because Princess SD thinks its ok to pick and choose when she does things and if she is asked she just won't do it.

 

I wouldn't feel powerless in this situation if I were you. Your SD has gotten too comfortable with disrespecting you.  I would not tolerate it at all. She lives in YOUR home and has the audacity to talk shit, even while you are there?? Hell no!! Make that hell triple no.

I would have interrupted that conversation and told her in this household all adults chip in to help each other out. I would have then told her since she wants to act like a disrespectful b--ch, who not only doesn't chip in for things, but also talks about me behind my back, then it is time for you.to start looking for another place to live. Then I would tell her since BM supports you in your bs behavior, have her help you find a place in 60 days (or whatever the minimal amount of days the eviction law in your state requires).

Under no circumstances would I allow this wirthless b--ch to continue to live in my home. If your SO has a problem with it, tell him he can take his weak a-- with her. What you are dealing with is total bs. No way in hell would I put up with it. If you want better, you have to require better. Hell would freeze over before I accept bs like this from any man and his crappy adult daughter.

Stepdrama2020's picture

BEST ADVICE!!!

Wilhelm's picture

I have told DH if skids offer to pay or bring a dish to share accept. How else do they learn to be adults. I have seen them turn up at places with nothing where he and his brothers have provided the food. The eldest is 51 for goodness sake. 

Rags's picture

You and DH need to grow up. The two of you are the problem.  You enable and facilitate this crap from your adult SD. 

STOP IT!

Any adult kid that resides in YOUR home is there at your pleasure and they are on one day at a time status.  Let DH and his failed family progeny know clearly that this is the case.  You will not get her to do as you wish.  Probably ever. So..... build the burning platform that will get her to launch and light her ass on fire. Figureatively of course.

Hand her a payment book for her monthly room and board and along with the payment book hand her her daily chore list. And the list should be fairly comprehensive.  She is 23. She is an adult. Time to bring the pain and light the platform.

Hearing her comments should give you clarity on engaging her to launch.

Sit your DH down and map out the burning platform campaign.  Make sure she hears it.  I bet you will hear her tear filled call to mommy. Then... execute the plan.

Most of all.

Have fun.

Diablo

KC is not the stepmother's picture

Nobody tells it like it is like Rags.  Sometimes we just have to listen.  

Davidp's picture

Really at the end of the day who wants to live in a house where you're either disrespected, ignored, abused, leared at or whispered about. Or all of the above.  Have 2 SS that have "failed to launch" as its so nicely put and realize.their  BM is just as much to blame as the boys are.  At first you try to set an example, engage, encourage, support and love but it only gets reciprocated when they want something from you.  I try to sympathize and think maybe they both have deep seeded issues or some actual condition that makes them lazy,.dishonest and disrespectful but they are capable of maintaining relationships with friends so why can't they do that for someone who is actually supporting them and will b would be there for them in a time of need?  Ok so I get angry and stay angry and read up on blogs like this and try to "disengage" which basically meant for me to spend as much time as possible away from the home.  BM knows how I feel but continually gets sucked back into the hope that they'll snap out of it one day and a week turned into a month and into a year.  Needless to say our relationship has suffered greatly so I now get to come home to a GF who wants to believe I'm just picking on her kids and adult men who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.  And I get the privilege of paying for this lifestyle!  Oh maybe therapy will help me wrap my head around young men who will avoid an honest days work at all cost, spend virtually every cent they have on ridiculous sneakers or video games or get this a Gucci belt, and a gf who is too afraid to do anything concrete to.rectify their behavior. I have talked to others in similar situations and have read so many of the posts on this site.  The statistics are not in my favor that anything will change anytime soon.  

I hate to give up on anything but its simply not worth living like this and risking my health because I'm pissed off all the time.

Our principal residence is now sold and I'm shopping for a new place to live where only I have a say of who.lives there and who doesn't.   If GF wants to continue the relationship great. I'd be happy to spend real quality time without the black cloud of her dead beat boys looming over me.  I wish we never tried to blend the families in the first place because its been a complete disaster and has probably taken 10 years off my life

Im so looking forward to a new start

So my advise, if I'm even qualified to give it, is make sure you're feelings are known and understood by your partner, ask for change, set a time line and then stick to it. I wish I hadn't wasted the last 2 years waiting for change that wasn't coming

 

DogGuardian's picture

Wow I can really relate to your post.  I have spoken with my partner who most of the time listens but at others just thinks I am being disrespectful to his daughter.  This morning I brought down my washing and he was sorting through the basket, turning SDs clothes the right way and doing her washing, and I laughed not because he was doing her washing but because I was just about to put it on too.  He said that I was sneering at him doing his daughters washing (she is 23....) when in fact I was in all seriousness laughing we had the same idea to do the washing (albeit I wouldnt be doing hers). 

It certainly gets to a point where you can't say or do anything without being seen to attack the SD.  I will actually give it time with mine as he is starting to see her for what she is, although he said he wished I hadn't overheard her talking about us as I suppose ignorance is bliss!  Im just not the sort that can pretend everything is ok when it clearly isnt.