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Outrageous behavior by Ex to get me back

Movingonisbest's picture

Haven't posted in a while but still read the topics on the forum when I have a chance. As some of you know I broke up with my ex several months ago because of the behavior of his youngest adult daughter that has been referenced as a "mini-wife." My ex hasn't stopped trying to win me back. At some point after allowing myself to hear him out, he apologized for everything that happened  and said he would do whatever he needed to do for us to be together again. However, once I agreed to meet with him we had a very intense conversation and argument. At one point he let me know he was expecting to get a lump sum of money and told me he would do whatever for me, even financially (including a new house) if we could be together and accept, tolerate his youngest daughter no matter what. I immediately rejected that offer and told him I couldn't be bought. I am already financially stable and even if I weren't, my peace is much greater than anything material. He knows I am not even materialistic so I am assuming that this was just some form of desperation on his part. Doesn't a man have to realize his adult daughter is pretty screwed up for him to make such an offer?  Or does this simply boil down to him still waiting me but not wanting to do the work to change?  Has anyone ever had this happen before? What are other people's take on it?

hereiam's picture

At one point he let me know he was expecting to get a lump sum of money and told me he would do whatever for me, even financially (including a new house) if we could be together and accept, tolerate his youngest daughter no matter what.

Yes, desperation on his part, and an admittance that he doesn't plan on making any changes to the dynamic with his daughter or his behavior regarding her. He wants you to to accept the way things are because this is it, this is how he plans to proceed. No boundaries, no expectations, no accountability as far as his daughter is concerned.

So, great, you get a new house in which to be miserable in, while you watch this girl disrespect him, you, and your relationship, and then he takes her on vacation, or whatever. She will bleed him dry, financially, and then he will expect you to take care of him.

Stay strong.

lieutenant_dad's picture

At least he was up front about what he expected from the relationship going forward if you were to come back. That's a level of clarity that you can't put a price on.

My XH behaved similarly after we split. He would say everything I wanted to hear, but his behavior didn't actually change. The final nail in the coffin was when we went out to have a chat, and when I got a bit boisterous, he shushed me. That told me everything I needed to know - that even when he NEEDED to behave differently, he reverted back to silencing me and my concerns.

So yeah. Keep him kicked to the curb. 

Movingonisbest's picture

Lieutenant_dad, I wish he would have been that honest with me upfront instead of wasting my time. When he does have money he obviously tries to buy people. It's obvious he is trying to buy his youngest daughter's love and it isn't working. Not sure why he thought it would work with me. As I mentioned below after I told him how weak of a man he is and the conversation got more intense and turned into an argument he eventually said he is a strong man but that he hurts too and tears started rolling down his face. Some of the things that happened after that are listed in my comment below.

Movingonisbest's picture

Hereiam thanks for your response. He even tried to tell me if I got the chance to really know her, then I would really love her too. I just couldn't believe any of this was real. I mean he was really delusional. And I just couldn't believe he would make such a ludicrous offer to me. Later during that conversation after I told him how weak he is he told me he is a strong man and that he hurts too then tears started rolling down his face. He asked me if I would be willing to go to counseling with him for a few sessions. Isn't it common sense that if a woman leaves a man because of his toxic daughter then she would never be with him again if circumstances dont change?

I went a few days without answering his calls and then  when I did decide to talk to him I asked him whether he knew how sick he was to ask me to accept and tolerate his youngest adult daughter no matter what and he said yes. I then asked him if he would ever give one of his friends or family members advice to handle things in this manner and he said no. I then asked him if he knew what he was doing was asking me to accept abuse and he said yes. I  said you do know that I am never accepting that don't you. He said yes. I said then why in the world would you make that type of offer to me. He didn't say anything but then admitted he needs professional help. A few days later he talked to one of his best friends about the situation and his best friend told him this shouldn't be an issue and that he agreed with me that adult kids need to take care of themselves. Im sure my ex was shocked cause he told me all his friends and family would agree with him. Once his friend told him he agrees with me, my ex claimed he already knew adult kids are supposed to take care of themselves. I then asked him if he already knew this why has this been an issue. He said he made a mistake. I told him it's not a mistake to try to bring a dependent, abusive, disrespectful adult kid into my life. Some other things were said and we eventually got off the phone. He keeps calling me, sometimes all day and night long. It's odd that he thinks he is going to remain in my life.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your comment about the calling all day and night is familiar. I'd get calls and texts that boiled down to "you're a b*tch, I love you" from my XH.

Regarding my previous post, I agree that he should have been upfront before wasting your time, or been willing to make any change as time went on. But knowing it *now* helps you to continue to say "no" and reminds you that his words don't meet his actions.

It sucks very much. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

Movingonisbest's picture

How long was it before the calls and texts stopped? You are right his actions and words don't align. I don't know how he chose me to try to pull this stunt with. Maybe it has been a pattern for him thinking some woman is going to accept this. Then asking me to go to counseling with him, he needs to deal with this mess himself.

lieutenant_dad's picture

It was months. Like, 6 months or so. It didn't stop until he found a new GF.

But, I was young and dumb and didn't take nearly a harder enough stance with him. I should have blocked his number and sent him divorce paperwork via certified mail and just been done with it. I was trying to salvage a friendship out of our marriage (don't ask me why, I haven't the slightest idea why now I wanted that), so I didn't want to be "mean". 

Blocking him is a good first step. If you have something that NEEDS to be discussed, such as splitting a mutual bill or assets, I'd recommend an attorney. That will drive home the point that it really is over.

Rags's picture

I would suggest that you inform him to route all further communication through your attorney.

Block his calls.

 

tog redux's picture

Block him. Every time you answer, you reinforce that if he goes long enough, you will answer.  Just the fact that he can't take a break-up for what it is and STAY AWAY, speaks volumes, never mind the part about paying you to be with him and tolerate his daughter.

You are much better off without this guy. He's not right in the head.

SteppedOut's picture

This. 

And, OP, he is "being nice" right now, but I'm going to guess that once he really realizes you are not coming back, he will not be so nice. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, OP - it's been 4 months since you broke up with him - and the relationship was only a year. If this guy is still hounding you to get back together, he has some serious stalker behaviors.  

Make sure you tell him in no uncertain terms that you expect all efforts at contact to cease, or you will file a restraining order. He sounds unbalanced. 

Movingonisbest's picture

Tog redux, its just that I have never seen this level of desperation, actually offering to try to buy me to ger back with him a accept his daughter. For the life of me I can't figure out where he came up with this ludicrous idea.

Movingonisbest's picture

I am starting to see that he really is unstable. When he said he is strong but he hurts too and tears started rolling down his face, I couldn't help but wonder why he was trying to pull me into this mess.

piegirl's picture

I'm so sorry to hear this, it is terrible for you to have to go through this. Cut the man off...as you correctly said your mental health and peace is worth so much more than accepting the behaviour of his daughter. 

 

Movingonisbest's picture

Piegirl, that proposition was totally absurd. I guess cause he had been cut off for months he got desperate.

piegirl's picture

Apologies I wasn't trying to offend, I was simply saying that you needed to block him or something to save yourself. Sorry - hope you get something out of the other comments

Movingonisbest's picture

Piegirl I wasnt referring to your comment as being absurd. I was talking about the proposition he made to me ie him trying to buy me. I  like your recommendation but I think blocking him will only cause him to try to contact me from a different number. Sorry for the confusion. I definitely wasn't offenfed by your comment.

piegirl's picture

Phew, I'm so pleased Smile Best of luck with working through this terrible situation!