Opinions wanted, please.
I have been married to DH for 16 years and dated a year before marriage. He has SD23, SS25, and SS28. I have S40.
He was previously married to Skid's mom for 11 years. DH has three sisters. In DH's mother's house, my MIL, she has four huge collages (30"x40") on her wall, for each of her children and their kids and family (my DH is her eldest). However, the colleges are old and in the middle of each one, is an 8x10 photo of her adult child with their respective spouses (my DH with his exwife), surrounded by family photos of the couple and their kids at different events and family outings.
Only one of MIL's adult children are currently married to the spouse in the picture. Everytime I, or someone else, goes to MIL's house, this is the "family" photo collage they see that she chooses to put of her adult child on the wall.
For years, I've said nothing about it and just study it each time I'm there to see her son's "family" photos. She has one photo of me in her house, a group shot of me, DH, and our children taken at the beach. It's a 5x7 and sits on the TV.
Recently, I informed DH of how this makes me feel.
What do you all think?
Echo has a great suggestion.
Echo has a great suggestion. Get together with DH's siblings, have group family photos taken and present them to her as a gift. Mother's day is just around the corner and not only will you all be giving her a thoughtful, meaningful gift, but you all will be getting the old photos taken down and replaced with new ones to look at when you're visiting her.
Perfect solution!
I noticed this at my in laws
I noticed this at my in laws also, no pics of me and my dh. Then I realized that we never gave them any. We had a small wedding, no professional photos, unlike his siblings. Mercifully, the in laws feel the same as I do about his ex, so all pics of her are gone, but they do have a shelf of photo albums throughout the years that do include the ex. Crazy as it sounds I do sit and enjoy looking, yes includingthe pics of the ex. I feel that I missed so much of my dh's life, it is interesting to see. I have enough confidence to know I am his wife now, so who cares about the past?
that's exactly where the
that's exactly where the pictures of my DH and his ex-wife belong; in an album. i would not have a problem with them if that were the case. then, i would "enjoy looking" and find it "intersting to see", too. i don't think your "confidence" would be so high if your in-laws had a huge collage of your DH's former wife plastered on the walls for all to look at. sorry, but your response lacks empathy and you have a different situation.
I don't necessarily think
I don't necessarily think it's inconsiderate to you. I think it's horribly inconsiderate to her son. I mean, hello, he divorced his first wife. Why would she continue to hang her picture on her wall? Where is the loyalty? I do not understand the lack of loyalty to a blood relative on the part of in-laws. My husband has told his family that it "breaks his heart" that they hang out with his ex. They still do. As far as I'm concerned, with family like that, who needs enemies? At least his mom doesn't have a picture of his ex hanging in her home! That would just be too much!
Thanks, everyone. Neither DH
Thanks, everyone. Neither DH nor his sisters would say anything to her for fear of hurting her feelings. And I suspect you are correct in that she doesn't want to hurt the grandchildren's feelings by taking down BM's photos, even if they are side by side with her son, my DH.
I cannot imagine leaving photos up of my son and previous girlfriends for his wife to see when she visits. My DH and I were separated for over a year and none of his "family" contacted me; still haven't. All these years, they implied I was family and let me help them physically and financially for years. I guess I'm just sick of the one-way street.
I told DH I was sick of being the wife whose feelings don't count. I've told him that my personal boundary is now that, as long as the "shrine" to his former marriage is on display at her home, I just won't go there. Yes, it's her home and she can protect whomever she wants and offend whomever she wants. But I also get a choice in what I'm willing to subject myself to and I'm no longer willing to take it for someone who is so insensitive and inconsiderate of me.
If only one of the children
If only one of the children is currently married to the spouse in the picture, she is probably just a procrastinator or doesn't notice. I've seen that alot with older parents. I agree with the above poster who said get them a new pic of the two of you. My own mother did that to me and I know for a fact, my father in law's only family pic of his children has my DH deceased wife in it. I usually laugh at it (to myself of course) because it is such an old picture and everyone looks like a dork!
i agree. she probably is so
i agree. she probably is so used to seeing it that it doesn't even register anymore. my gramma has had the same pics on her wall for the past 18 or so years. she has a picture of my uncle and his ex and their kids hanging up. he hasn't been with his ex in over 10 years, she is now married and has a child with her current dh. my uncle has been with his current gf for at least 5 years. i don't think my gramma is trying to be rude, i really don't think she realizes that the picture is even there. it really is just part of the wallpaper after all these years.
that said, if i had pictures with my ex and she had that up, i would insist it be taken down because it would bother ME!
yes, i would, too. i only
yes, i would, too. i only wish my DH would have done that 16 years ago.
Have to agree with Towanda
Have to agree with Towanda here. Get a pic of yourself and your hubby and present it to her for Mother's Day. My guess is she will put it up with all the others. Sadly, no matter how you feel, it is her house and her wall.
It's been 16 years of going
It's been 16 years of going to "family" functions with DH's ex there, she spends Christmas Eve night at MIL's house with my skids (one time but it was enough for me), I am standing next to MIL as she says to me and DH's sister, "looks like everybody's puttin on weight but BM." I'm just done with it. I'm tired of finding out she will be at a family function and I'll have to look better than she will, be more entertaining than she will, and she gets to go in MIL's house and see pictures of HERSELF all over the shrine to her marriage to my DH and one very small one of me.
Yes, it's her wall and her house. What's sad is that I spent so many years feeling inadequate and in competition with my DH's ex for membership in such an unenlightened and oblivious "family".
Forgotten, you mentioned you
Forgotten, you mentioned you were not going to go over to MIL's again. I can't blame you. DH's ex should not be at MIL's for Christmas - and it is really hard to believe MIL does not know this.
When I was married to my ex, we adopted children. His parents had all of the other grandkids smeared across their walls. I gave them 8"x10"s of our kids. Never appeared on the wall. I asked FIL where the pictures were. He nonchalantly replied, “They're in an album somewhere.” I had one of their 'family' pictures up in our house, over the fireplace, which I promptly took down. The next time they were over he asked where the family picture was. I replied, “In an album somewhere.” Consideration and respect goes both ways.
Yes, maybe the pictures have been on her walls for ages but it would be nice if your DH would remind his Mother that he is married to another woman now and hand her some updated pictures.
thank you sandy21. i'm
thank you sandy21. i'm always impressed with your insight. it's really my DH's responsibility to look out for my feelings. unfortunately, he's always put his kids and family ahead of me. that's one of the reasons we're in marriage counseling.
Just a thought from the other
Just a thought from the other side. When my ex & I split up, I had a pretty good relationship with my former MIL. The distance didn't allow for much visiting, which was fine. I think we both knew things were different, but a cordial relationship should have been okay. I sent her photos of the kids, sent her the occasional letter to let her know what the kids were up to. They are her only grandchildren. She'd let me know how she was doing. It really wasn't any big deal.
Until my ex found out about it. Last letter I got from her was telling me that she was sorry she had to cut off contact, but her son went on a tirade, flinging photos everywhere, and told her that she had to choose between him and me. Okay.
Shame is - he didn't promote any relationship between the kids and his mother, either. No longer my problem.
that sounds like a normal,
that sounds like a normal, caring relationship, jumanji. thanks for your input. i had that same relationship with my son's grandmother, the mother of my first husband. however, she didn't put photos of me on her walls. my ex's second wife would have had a fit! and my first husband would have NEVER allowed it.
Wow, forgotten wife! I can't
Wow, forgotten wife! I can't believe that BM is at all the family functions and that your MIL would go so far as to say that everyone's putting on weight but BM!! That is WAAAY too much! No way in hell I'd subject myself to that!
thanks, i got a good one. i
thanks, i got a good one. i guess i'm not crazy? i think the crazy thing is that i was trying so hard to please and fit in that i never said anything in the beginning of our marriage. no good deed goes unpunished, huh?
My Mom had pics of me and my
My Mom had pics of me and my ex and kids on her wall. She truly didn't "see" them any more. I didn't want to look at his ugly face when I visited, so even before I married DH I just had a picture of the kids done, framed in the same size frame, and asked my mom if it was ok if I replaced it. Of course it was. She loves ME, not my ex. My mom probably still has the old picture someplace, but as long as I don't have to look at it, I don't car
Honey, please, don't let a