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One-sided relationship with adult step-children

Lillyann's picture

I need help. My stepson, wife, and two children come over one night per week for dinner. This was their idea and I may be awful, but after three years of this, I am tired of having every Friday evening and night look like every other Friday. The parents never bring a dish and play on their cellphones while we cook, clean and watch the children. If we order take out they never offer to chip in on the cost (they have more money in the bank than we do). When I had major surgery they didn't call to see how I was feeling, but did call to see if dinner was on for Friday. I feel trapped. There are Fridays when I just don't want company. I don't like being on a schedule where I can't do other things that may be going on. We have 4 more children, and it is entirely different. Sometimes they even take us out and I like that it isn't on a schedule. I recently blew up and became angry because I asked if we can change nights and even though I told my daughter-in-law that I hadn't talked to my husband yet, she went immediately to him and said I wanted to change the weekly schedule. He became angry with me because I didn't discuss this with him first. He doesn't want company every Friday either but will not go against what his son wants. They are in their mid-thirties and eat at her moms most other evenings of the week. They don't have to cook, clean or buy groceries. I feel used. Am I being unreasonable?

Pilgrim Soul's picture

One-sided relationship with adult step-children? Is there any other kind????

They are using you and you need to bow out. Invent a hobby or sign up for a class, and tell your husband you need to work on your ... crocheting/badminton/Spanish II skills at your local community center every Friday night. He can feed them, or tell them to make their own dinner in their own home. They seem to have this racket going with every parent available. I love it about the surgery - who cares if you are feeling well, you can feel like crap as long as you are able to put the dinner on the table. I think the gravy train should have stopped right then and there.

They are overgrown teenagers playing on their cellphones while you cook for them and watch their children. Lovely! Why contribute if the hosts are perfectly fine with the one-sided arrangement? Stop being fine with it - politely and nicely, but firmly. The restaurant Chez Pop is closing for now. That's all, folks.

Honeysuckle's picture

I'm dealing with something similar on my Friday nights- though thankfully it's only with SD20. I dread Friday nights - i used to always cook (and she's vegetarian so planned for this) and she'd sit on her phone or computer - sometimes WHILE EATING THE MEAL that had just been cooked for her. Though this I know is very much a symptom of her generation.....I do at least get thanked for the meal

Only once has she helped with the dishes and that's after I cracked it in our counselling session more than once about how she comes and stays and treats it like a hotel- leaves the bed unmade (it's a guest room - not 'her' room) and never offers to do dishes or cook.

I now make plans to be out most Friday nights as it's just too stressful for me being around. Seeing my SO too scared to ask his daughter to lift a finger to help with the dishes makes my blood boil. I figure it's got to come from him, not me. I refuse to be the 'bad guy'.

Hopefully you can also find some middle ground. I think it's totally reasonable to ask for a week off now and then - and if your DH won't do it- make plans to do something yourself that night.

Rags's picture

NO YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!!! Time to start making Friday nights date night out with just you and DH. Go to dinner and a movie. That is no more expensive than feeding your SS and his DW and spawn every Friday.

If things do not change start ordering in every Friday and hand your SS the bill. If you cook, then they clean and no one pulls a phone out of their pocket of purse from the moment they enter your home. Next Friday cook up a spread and inform SS and his fam that since you and DH cooked and paid for the food they clean. To your satisfaction. They are welcome to bring food or cook next Friday and you and DH will clean. Heavily weighted to DH will clean. His rude and presumptuous spawn, he can clean up after them.

These people are leeches and the only way to deal with a leach is to burn it off or put some insect repellent on it. So, burn and repel away.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

twoviewpoints's picture

So just go on Friday night strike. Nope, you're not cooking, not grandkid watching, not even entertaining them. You're going out for dinner (by yourself if necessary) and maybe taking a movie on. Dh can do what he pleases, be you're not playing cook and hostess. Not this coming Friday, not the next Friday either. You may or may not consider once a month.

The only 'unreasonable' thing I see that might have upset was the you being the one to approach the SDIL. You should have announced the 'nope, not doing it' to your husband and let him decide if he was self hosting (meaning cooking, entertaining, and cleaning up) while you go out and do your thing or if he was going to build a backbone and tell his adult children that it's no longer going to be every Friday. You set yourself up to be blamed the 'bad guy' when it was you who approached the issue. You say Dh doesn't like the every week thing either, but instead of having DH do his own dirty work, you did it for him.

If you don't want to go out (if DH has them over anyway) feel free to take a shower, order carryout for one and head off to your bedroom to have a pampered lazy 'me' night. Put in a dvd, munch your pizza, paint your toe nails and relax in your pjs.

Lillyann's picture

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to give this all Somme thought and I will let you know what I decide and how it goes.

jennaspace's picture

lol!

jennaspace's picture

"This was their idea and I may be awful, but after three years of this..." It was their idea to invite themselves over and have you shop, cook and clean for them once a wk?! How family oriented of them. They're quite brilliant. They only have to worry about a couple of days a wk to fend for themselves. With all the money they're saving they probably go out to eat the rest of the days.

Is it possible they are playing games with BM, you and DH? e.g. "well, BM has us over for dinner several times a wk"... hoping DH gets jealous and competes? I mean it's kind of a coincidence that only one out of four kids eats wkly with you guys and they also happen to do this with BM. This is a great scheme.

If it was really about family, DIL wouldn't have gotten upset when you requested changing nights. Actually, this stopped being about family (i.e. all 4 of you) when the onus was put on only one party to do all the work. Your DILs reaction revealed how much this is not about family, but about her getting her way. Maybe she got mad because switching nights would not jive with BMs schedule and ss and DIL might actually have to cook for themselves one night.

Who knows? Maybe DIL has some family members who are feeding them the other nights.

Seriously, this is ridiculous. If they want to bring the food and clean up every other time, fine. Otherwise, they should shop, cook and clean in the comfort of their own home.

Honeysuckle's picture

**claps** well said jennaspace!

It's the thinking of what to cook then the shopping and hauling it home that gets me. And then it's all gone. Huge amounts of food we'd take a week to get through gone in 24 hours!

jennaspace's picture

Exactly, it's so much more than cooking! It sounds like SS and DIL may have figured out the amount of work it takes and decided they're above it.

Honeysuckle's picture

A few weeks ago when SD23 managed to go through an entire roll of TP in the 12 hours she was here (and 8 of them were spent sleeping) - I was livid - yes it was about the wastefulness _- I'm sorry but even I who has IBS couldn't use that much in that time if I tried...but mostly it was about the fact that I had to go to the shop, buy it, get it home (and we all know how bulky and awkard tp is). I seriously was considering making her go and get some herself from the shop. But I was mean and just got cheap tp to put in the bathroom to use when she's here since it doesn't seem to matter if I put in the good stuff or not- she still uses enough for a family of four in a matter of hours. Mean, yes, I know.

Honeysuckle's picture

Couldn't agree more Quando. If I had kids of my own, this is exactly what would happen in our home. It's setting them up for the real world and giving them life skills I think every parent has the responsibility of teaching their kids.

In the case of my SO's kids, the excuse for them never doing much around the house is that as SD20 was such a high achiever they allowed her to prioritise study. SD23 is a little better in that she will at least ask if she can help and will wash her dishes. SD20 just gets the computer out to study and that's enough to get her off the hook.