Once Again, She is Back and Looking for Things
I posted about this step going after the will and other things.
Well, she called today which is surprising because we never hear from her unless she wants something. I quipped to hubby that she is probably looking for something for her son. Sure enough.
SD starts off sweet talking about how she is trying to keep in contact with us at least once a week but keeps forgetting or being too busy. After a few minutes of BS she strikes. She wants us to give her son, the one that just bought his first home, our lawnmower and gas grill. After all, it is time for H to start having someone cut the lawn instead of doing it himself! And, she will be over Saturday to pick them up.
I had her pegged and had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. H. told her NO, emphatically NO. I added that she should come up here once a week and cut the lawn with OUR mower rather than hire something, that is what someone that gave a carp about us would do. (called it as I saw it as Rags would say) She didn't like that got off the phone quickly.
Thought H would be upset about what I said but he wasn't. He actually said I was correct about the reason for her call!
This is the kind of thing I had talked to my Doctor about. I am wondering whether to tell him or just mark it down since she didn't get anywhere. But she keeps trying. Wonder if I should chain down the grill so it doesn't disappear like other things she wanted have.
Last year H bought a 0-turn lawnmore. I think it makes much more sense for her to offer to come and cut the grass for us using OUR mower instead of having to hire someone. He isn't giving that up. Right now it is his pride and joy, so to speak.
As for the grill, I grilled chicken breasts outside today because it was so nice.
Really, doesn't have time to help us out when we need help, but has no qualms trying to get things from us for free.
You know, H actually said that he was hurt
that she called looking for the mower and grill. That is the first time he has ever admitted anything like that.
Maybe, now that he is having more and more health issues, he is realizing that he can't depend on her for anything even though she is his daughter. I imagine that must be a terrible thing to realize.
As I wrote when she first went after him about the will, she wanted 3 separate wills - one for him, one for me, and one if we died at the same time just to secure that SHE would get everything. She is not interested in medical power of attorney etc., just what she gets. At this time it is NADDA.
You do have wills and POA's and all of that locked down, right?
You do have will and POA's and all of that locked down, right? And, yes, I'd lock up both the grill and the lawn mower!
Yep
That is taken care of but I keep an eye on H because wills are subject to change if she can get to him and he is haing a bad day.
We have been married over 30 years and because he was a good father and paid his child support, I had more than he did. Most of what we have we accumulated together.
Yes.
"I imagine that must be a terrible thing to realize."
Think of all the years of denial, even though he likely 'knew'. Perhaps that glimmer of hope is finally gone, is he crushed inside or is it a relief to finally admit it? He really needs compassion right now.
Thank you for this important reminder! So many times I have to remind myself to be compassionate towards my DH's feelings. As an outsider, who has studied human behavior for over 30 years, my 'vision' is pretty clear. Having no bond or 'warm fuzzies' with OSD, for example, I tend to be pretty clinical about what I see. It isn't the same for him, because even though he knows I'm likely right, it's still his child...and it hurts.
You know Trudie, I really
You know Trudie, I really tried with her. This is not a case of just because she is a step I dislike her. This is a case of when someone shows me what they are, I believe them.
We have been in this house for 14 years and not once has she ever taken us out for a burger, an ice cream, anything.
Her Father could use help as he has great difficulty walking, heart and severe lung issues but alais she is too busy, EXCEPT when she made it to the hospital that time to try to get him to change his will. And a few weeks later tried to sweeten me up about the same.
As I say, when you show me what you are I believe it rather than what you tell me. If she hasn't done a darn thing for us in 14 years there is notlhing to show that she will be any different in the future. And she proves that all the time.
Yes...
You know Trudie, I really tried with her. This is not a case of just because she is a step I dislike her. This is a case of when someone shows me what they are, I believe them.
My apologies, I fear you misconstrued my comment. I'm sorry if I didn't make my meaning clear. I am not judging you; in fact, I 100% understand where you are coming from. Like you, I am a firm believer that when someone shows you who they are...believe them. The first time. I don't forget what I have seen. All credibility is gone and I take that fact into account with any future interaction I have with that person.
I 'planned', for lack of a better word, to love my husband's daughters. After all, they are a part of him...how could I not? I learned very quickly how I was so very naive. There is nothing likable about OSD, much less lovable. This is not on me, because I had honorable intentions. Like you said, it is not because she is a step...it's because she has shown me time after time that she is truly a sick, evil person.
I feel sad that you are going through this with your husband, that his daughter doesn't help and that she has her hand out. You see her for what she is, just like I see OSD for what she is. I am acknowledging how painful it must be for the fathers, because no matter how dysfunctional they are, their fathers love them. Sometimes I forget this when DH and I discuss her nonsense and I am trying to be more mindful with my words.
Oh no Trudie, I didn't take
Oh no Trudie, I didn't take your comment personally but factually. I just wanted to say I wasn't against her because she is a stepdaughter but because of WHAT SHE IS!
Good!
I 100% understand.
You betcha. Funny, I know
You betcha. Funny, I know what she is like so well I nailed what her call would be about.
It is interesting…
...how we, as outsiders, can 'see' so clearly. So many times what we 'see' isn't favorable either.
The fact that she always has
The fact that she always has her hand ut looking for something for free is disguisting. H and I are on fixed income. While she and her H make around $200,000 per year. How do we know this? She brags about him and his job all the time.
Keep your shite locked up.
Keep your shite locked up. The nerve of her.
Have a security camera
Have a security camera trained on the mower and grill and if she steals either article, take the footage to the police and treat the situation as the theft that it is.
My inlaws are in their 80's..
My inlaws are in their 80's... and now we pitch in with my BIL to pay for their lawncare.. it was getting to be too much for them. We have like 8 acres of our own to mow.. so it just wasn't going to be feasible for us to mow theirs too (plus we don't have a good trailer for our mower).. and their mower was at the point of replacement..
My parents would offload things to us when they didn't want them any longer.. like my mom's car when she stopped driving.. but we would have never suggested that they give something to us that we actually were USING.
Now.. if she wanted to buy you a new grill for father's day... and son could have the old one.. fine.
Buy her Father something for
Buy her Father something for Father's Day? You have got to be kidding.
I was kidding.. haha.
I was kidding.. haha.
I'd buy a chain/lock and tie
I'd buy a chain/lock and tie down both and if she does somehow 'get' them w/out you noticing, not only file a report for your 'stolen' objects but make sure she knows it.
Wow
Some things still amaze me in StepHell. This is one of them. Definitely tell your doctor. I remember your post on that conversation with him. He is a mandated reporter so the more he knows, the better he can protect you and your husband as you guys age. I'd also consider getting some cameras. They aren't expensive and provide a lot of security AND proof. I'd get that set up and let that witch know cameras are installed. Make sure things are locked up. I'm sorry you have to deal with this nasty woman.
Thanks Cajun
This is one area whre I do't know if it is important enough to report or just being petty since she didn't get away with it.
If you recall what I talked about, this is how she operates. After this she will disappear again for months and then slink back and try again.
I think I will tell my Doc next time I see him, about this incident. Like you say, he probably knows more about elder abuse/theft than I do. Also, if sometlhing does happen where she is able to get to my H., there is a Doc. record of what was going on with her, if not one where she is reporated.
IMHO.. just a request with no
IMHO.. just a request with no rancor, bullying, browbeating is not necessarily abusive. If she actually comes to take them.. that rises to attempted theft imho. If she accepted the "no thank you, we are still using both".. without too much pushback.. I would jsut be aware of those things and that they don't disappear.
In This Case.....
it wasn't a request. It was a statement that "I'm coming to get the yard equipment on Saturday" that had to be vehemently told NO. And it took both her father and the SM to get her off the phone. This woman has a history of toxic and abusive treatment of her father and the SM. Simply because of that, I stand on letting the doctor know. Paper trail. She will only amp up her abuse as her father and SM age.
We have a new issue starting to show on our board....with many of us coming to the "elderly" years here (including myself and DH), we are beginning to see elder abuse issues by toxic SKs. And the only way you handle that is through documentation and legal help, such as the doctor.
You are right Cajun Mom - it
You are right Cajun Mom - it was more like, an I'll be there to pick them up, not a request.
You are right on about having a paper trail with the Doc. just in case as it shows her intent if she was somehow able to get control over something.
I just want to live my life in peace with H. I don't want any drama.
Sadly, a firm defense, overwhelming application of consequences,
Sadly, a firm defense, overwhelming application of consequences, and zero tolerance for crap is often required to keep these types in their place.
That commitment to defense, injection of consequences, and absolute zero tolerance is what ultimately delivers living a life of peace that keeps drama at least at a distance. Most challenging IMHO is that often our spouse who brought these types with them. need our firm clarity, and need our ability to keep the enemies outside of the gate and to never let them in.
Agree with Cajun
I agree it is important to document instances so there is a defined trail. In some instances, people can "pooh-pooh" away stuff like this, but IMO it is very different when there is another adult (kid or not) who is trying to manipulate and take advantage of older people.
I would definitely keep a diary of sorts, listing the date, time, and conversation or demand. Make it FACTUAL and to the point: "On March 1, 2025 at 9 a.m., SD called and stated, 'I am coming over on Saturday to pick up your grill and lawnmower since you don't use them anymore." DH replied, "No you cannot have them, I am still using them." Etc.
You may want to check in with your attorney first (who did your wills) and explain that you are going to maintain such a record on SD and ask them what pertinent details you should collect.
Of course, do not call the attorney after every instance as that would be costly - it is merely to document this behavior if SD should try to claim either of you is "incompetent" and can't care for yourselves.
This one has "preyed" on two
This one has "preyed" on two other elderly folk before us. One was a widow with no children and no family. Step ocassionally stoped by etc. and then was upset that the woman left her home and property to her church. SD was sure she would get it. Boy was she pizzed. SD didn't do anything for this woman as she had a full-time caregiver (paid for).
The other was an old man in his late 80's that also had no family around. Once again she tried for the house and was majorly upset he left it all to his children and grandchildren! It is not like SD was any kind of caregiver or helper to the old guy, she just figures if she says "Hi" you owe it to her.
You can be certain that she is looking for someone else to try to fleece.
Also, 2Tired,there are even theives in nursing homes. I had the experience after having a TKR. I woke up with pain my first night to see 5 "nurses" come in and start going through my stuff. I know I surprised them when I asked what they were doing (they were checking out my clothes, toiletries, etc.). Oh, claimed they were just there to hang things up. One took the good ice pack I brought with me from the hospital. When I asked where she was going with it she claimed she was going to put a name tag on it so it "wouldn't get lost". That was the last time I saw it. I asked her name and she gave me a false one. H reporated it to person in charge but it was never found.
2Tired4Drama - As I reread
2Tired4Drama - As I reread your comment I want to say you are so correct. I know that I, myself, want to pooh-pooh the things she does. That is why I am so glad it came out with my Doc. as I was doubting myself on it being serious eventhough someone doing what she was going after with H IS a BIG DEAL.
Even this latest one you can see the pattern. So I did mark it down, time date, what was said, what she was after.
I am certain H and I are not in the this kind of situation alone.
Yes to cameras. Sooner than latter. Before it is too late.
My FIL's sister cleaned out their mother's home starting within hours of their mother's demise. FIL went to his mother's home to find it empty other than random papers and stuff that obviously fell out of boxes as they were all being carried out by his sister, her Nth DH, spawn, and StepSpawn.
What the sister did not know was about the investment accounts and insurance which was all in FIL's name as heir and beneficiary. Of course when FIL's sister found out about it, she lost her damned mind. Sadly, FIL caved to the pressure and did distribute some of it to his sister, though n where near half. There really was not all that much, but enough for someone like the sister to think they hit the lottery if they got it all. Lowo5-figures at most. Much of which FIL used to pay for his mother's funeral expenses.
If FIL's mother's home had been covered by a security system and cameras, it would have been game on and a very unpleasant outcome for dear sister.
I am surprised
She didn't want you to buy SS a new lawnmower and big ;;;;really. Big. For all those BBQ you will not be invited to grill
Harry - You don't really
Harry - You don't really think we would be invited to BBQ/s using our grill do you. THAT will never happen. Heck, we won't see the GS after that and SD until she thinks she can get something or enough time has passed to try again. Sad.
She is slime. Sadly, her son is likely slime as well.
The sad thing about slimy slugs is that they seem to be Klingons in nature. They cling, and even whe they get their asses bared repeatedly, the are always sliming around to see what they can get.
My SIL is one. DW's youngest of three younger sibs. She is trash. Period. Dot.
He has ripped off just about everyone in the family, except us. She pouts and whines with everyone but never comes out and directly asks us. We would not give her Cent if she did and DW has spent quite a lot of effort on aligning the rest of the IL clan to let SIL rot instead of repeatedly caveing to her rip off character and manipulations.
She is in so MIL's sister for a notable number of five figures, in into my MIL and my FIL (deceased) for $thousands, BIL1 and the bovine bride for $thousands, and BIL2 for a few $thousand as well. Not just begging. She outright steals. She lifted the aunt's credit card and spend a shit ton. The aunt wanted to sell a truck so SIL took it to "sell it" for the aunt. SIL sold it all right. Then told aunt she got less than half of what she actually got, keeping most of it. When FIL passed, the things he had willed to BIL1 and BIL2 were nowhere to be found. She claimed that FIL had given them to her.
No one has done shit about it. I repeatedly advise pressing charges but no one will do it. Though the aunt has written SIL out of her Will. The aunt is well off and has no children so her estate will be divided between my MIL, who gets half, if she survives her sister, with the other half going tomy DW and her three sibs, and MIL and aunts youngest sister's 3 kids. The youngest sister passed a number of years ago. Because my SIL is such a slimy POS thief she gets nothing though to avoid her being able to effectively contest the Will she is clearly mentioned along with the fact that she stole a shit ton from the aunt. All she gets is what she has already stolen. If whar she has stolen is in excess of the shares of the other 6 niece & nephew heirs then DW as the executrix will have to sue her sister and press charges. DW advises her mom and the aunt on their taxes and shared with the aunt that my thief SIL will have to be sued to recover the stolen assets for the other heirs. This is why they included the stolen assets as SIL's inherritance. So that DW might not have to sue her sister.
The types are beyond detestable. It irks me to no end and baffles me that they are far too often tolerated rather than purged completely.
But they are faaaaaamily! Boo F'n hoo.
No, they are not family. The status of being family is earned not granted by the mere biological functional action of procreation. It is earned every second, of every day, for life. Children have a guaranteed temporary membership that they have to earn every second of every day after reaching the age of majority. Toxic crap ends their status as family and they only get it back if they end their crap. Permanently.
IMHO.
Rags, when these kind of
Rags, when these kind of Cling-Ons get rebuffed it doesn't phase them, they just sit back and wait for another opportunity. IMO they have no moral compass. They only see others as a way to get their needs met by hook or by crook. Empathy is something that know nothing of. But they know how to cry BIG crocadillle tears to look like they have caring emotions.
Watching this SD can be scarey. She shows no emotion. Let's say you paint your house and get new furniture and she comes over. She will not say ONE word about it, how it looks, how much time you spent. She is totally devoid of anything. But, if she does the same you are expected to clap and applaude at what a great job she did.
I have learned to detect what she might be after because she has a way of fixating on it longer than what someone who was just looking around would do. I noticed this when I first met her. Now I realize it means her mind is going as to how she can get it for FREE.
These types you give nothing to for free.
Not even a compliment. Totally neutral comments on anything they do. "You have had a lot of work done." Not a compliment, just a comment. A comment that could mean just about anything and will drive them nuts having to chew on it.
Nope, not even a bland
Nope, not even a bland comment will come from me. If I should ever be in that position again I will just ignore it as she does to everyone else. In reading her, Rags, it is usually jealousy that she feels - I bet my bottom dollar on that.
Most people would acknowledge what you did even just out of politeness. Not this SD. Actually the behavior from her is quite strange.
Many years back H and I saw the movie "Mama Mia" and were thrilled with it. I happened to mention to her what a delight it was. Her response was, and I quote "Did you see the stageplay?" No I had not but go on to find out, only by inquiring, that she had not seen it either, but she wanted us to believe she did. Yes, it is goofy, but strange as she always has to try to one better you even on something stupid like this.