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Old habits.

Newimprvmodel's picture

So things have quieted down a bit. No police. No more APS investigators. A few more texts from my brother late at night telling me what an effing monster I am. Lol.  
My parents house to be sold.  I am sole trustee. For now. 
House phone, which nobody uses anymore, in the office which now has become my father's room.  My mother's calling has paid off.  My father sending 1k to her because "they are destitute."   Ok.  
I guess I see the pattern here like a lot of dysfunctional families/ relationships. 60 yrs of emotional abuse.  Cheating and affairs.  Verbal abuse from my brother.  So WHY WHY give them money?  
It's hard for me not to feel resentful. My father living here.  I was never close to him.  I pay for everything.  
He tells me I should speak with my mother.  "Make peace."

At the risk of sounding like a heartless bitch I'd like to put him on a plane to live with them.  
I need to not get in the middle. Not get angry that he is back to financing my brother. 
But it's hard. 

CastleJJ's picture

You need to set boundaries for yourself. Draw your line in the sand. If you choose to be in this, then you go all in, petitioning to be conservator of your parents' financial affairs, etc. If you want to eliminate this from your life, then work to set the boundaries. If you are not okay with your father, who is living with you for I assume free of charge, sending money to your mother and your brother, then you need to draw that line in the sand. Your father either stops sending the money or he moves out and finds a place to live. You can't stop the enabling, but it doesn't mean you have to be a part of it by allowing your father to continue it in your home. You can rid yourself of the family dysfunction by setting limits on how involved you are willing to be. 

It is terrible that your family is going through this, but they put themselves in this position. You are right. This all comes down to decades of family dynamics. I am a social worker by trade and it is hard to watch people make terrible decisions but the mantra goes "people have the right to make bad decisions." It doesn't make it easier, but there isn't much you can do. If your parents overextend themselves and end up on the streets, then so be it, that was the outcome based on choices they made. You just need to know what your role is in the patterns of family dysfunction and work to address it. If you are a "fixer," then you need to determine what your limits are and stop "fixing" even if that means walking away from your family. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

To their house. Look. He doesn't cost much living here so far.  It is much more my privacy that is changed. He is always here and watching tv in the den. I did get him cable for his bedroom and den tv has curfew of 11 pm. Lol 

my husband and I never have a meal  alone now. That sucks but with COVID we are eating all meals home. 
For me he can send them money as long as bills to their home an hour away are paid.  But my husband continues to cut the grass and other repairs which take time. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

The unfortunate side effect of him sending them money is it shows your mother and brother that their bad behavor pays off. The did horrible things to you and your father in recent weeks and they essentially got money for it. They have no reason to quit what they are doing because it works.


TheAccidentalSM's picture

Your dad is just teaching them that their bad behaviour eventually gets them money.  You need to tell him to stop.

Survivingstephell's picture

Is giving them money keeping the drama down?  Is that a twisted way of dealing with it? Yep but might be the old man's way to protecting you from them.  Idk.  

Rags's picture

Bill him for the maintenance on his house.  At least that money won't get flushed down the drain.

lala-land's picture

It appears that you have a cuckoo in your nest.  Not only do you have a mom and brother problem, you have a dad problem.  He is expecting you to make peace with people who have abused both you and him for the past few months.  Unless he has serious dementia, there is no excuse for his behavior.  Time for a serious talk with dear old dad and let him know that on no uncertain terms that he will be leaving your home if he continues on the path he appears to be taking.