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Ok now I get to speak from a BM point of view

Frustratedlady's picture

Any post I have made have been related to my estranged H and my adult kids. Seeing that this is a step kid voice you problems sight. But after what just happened I am going to vent as a BM with a step mother issue.

My story that hasn't been told, I was married prior to estH for 17 years and was blessed with a wonderful son from this prior marriage. A son who has turned out to be one hell of a man. Who also just deployed yesterday. Anyway, my former marriage ended due to me finding out that exH was having an affair. Long story short within 9 months after our divorce my ex married the woman he was having an affair with. From all I know they have been happily married now for 7 years. Despite a long battle trying to get a divorce from exH (2 years cause he didn't want divorce) I never ever ever ONCE have cause him or his mistress/wife problems. Basically she would be one that wouldn't relate to the ones on this site at all. I never got up into her about sleeping with my H, I never denied exH to his son, I never trashed mouth them. My son has never cause them any drama and I haven't caused them any marital problems. Well here lately a lot has gone on with my son. He got married in January. He just recently announced that he will be a father and he just deployed. Well today my DIL posted a silly little picture on FB to my son. You know the kind of things that are pictures with funny little sayings. Something about being grumpy when hungry. I couldn't help but giggle cause it was so true. So I posted back that it was true and he inherited it (didn't even mention his dads name but yes was thinking that) and said warning if baby "last name " is a boy your in trouble. Well ex's wife who never post stuff to my son's or DIL wall comment back with an attitude to my post. I am figuring that she didn't like seeing that I was referring to her husband. Or maybe she doesn't like that there is a new blessing coming that is a part of what we once had. Hell part of me is thinking must have been bad timing for her to read that.. you know trouble in paradise. Not like I know or care. All I do know is that I am totally resisting the urge to tell her off. Back off lady!

Could she just be jealous that the first grand baby within the two of them (her kids verses his) is connected to me? Or maybe that she knows I will be heavily involved with this child? More so than her. I honestly have no intentions of butting in with their grandparents role. I just know that I will be more involved because of my relationship with my son verses exH and his wife. That is only because of what they have chose.

Orange County Ca's picture

Absolutely ignore her comments. With no reaction from you she's left with no power over you and anyone reading it through can clearly see that what she's saying isn't worth you taking the time of day to respond to.

No matter what she says good or bad just leave it alone clearly taking the high road.

Frustratedlady's picture

Trust me I have absolutely no intentions of responding to her. Especially not on FB or letting this BS effect my son in another country or DIL pregnant alone without family and husband not around. Just need talking down off cliff so to speak. How dare her even try to start. Momma and g'momma bear internally is mad as hell!

Frustratedlady's picture

Thank you to everyone. I know I am handling it the right way. By staying silent. Seems like that's the story of my life right now. I just can't help but get worked up over this. Years of pinned up "keeping silent", very emotional over my sons deployment, worrying about my pregnant DIL and still a wee bit worked up over my estH/step kids. Who else wouldn't want to blast this woman? At last I won't cause I take the higher road like always. Just a hard pill to shallow. But I do dare her to continue to even try and stress my son or DIL. She can't stress me all she wants...bring it I am ready.

Frustratedlady's picture

Yes first time that has at least crossed my path. And odd that is exactly what I thought. Hence why I thought there must be trouble in paradise or she is having issues with the new baby expected arrival. Don't know her so not sure. Shoot he's he is probably cheating on her now and her gut is talking to her like mine did when I busted them.

Frustratedlady's picture

No, I didn't take it the wrong way. And I quote "you have no right to refer to MY HUSBAND". Like I said I didn't even mention his name. I could have been referring to myself for all she knew.

Frustratedlady's picture

Nah my exH would have laughed at my comment and agreed with it.

I really don't get why she is raising issues now. I am just as confused. But will say that knowing what that man put me through with many affairs not just one, he can drive a woman all kinds of crazy emotionally. Hence why my gut says trouble in paradise and her comment was just a lash out anyway she could. Her problem not mine. She just doesn't need to bring it to my son or DIL doorstep.

AllySkoo's picture

I'm not trying to be mean here, but... no. Just no. While, yes, the man who cheats is absolutely as culpable as the "other woman", they are both just flat out WRONG. There are NO excuses, no "well the marriage was in trouble anyway" or "they didn't really love each other" rationales that will ever make me think it was all right. If the marriage is over, get a damn DIVORCE before you start dating - and I still find it morally reprehensible to date someone else who is married, regardless of what they've told you the state of their marriage is like. Again, you wait for the divorce before you date.

For what it's worth, I do agree with you that hurtful behavior isn't helpful. I wish you the best in your journey.

sandye21's picture

Thanks for the laugh! LOL LOL This is one of your 'classics', Stepaside! I agree - if a person is so unhappy in their marriage they need to get divorced or at least separated before scouting around.

askYOURdad's picture

Every person here has made mistakes that hurt other people. EVERY person does in this life, just different hurts, different things. Why? Because we are human and we are very much imperfect.

^^^well... not exactly. Yes we all make mistakes and inevitably hurt people, but the intentions behind those mistakes speak volumes. There is no "good" intention in sleeping with another woman's husband and a child's father. There is not one "reason" (excuse) that you could give me that would justify this.

And for the record, if a man is comfortable lying to his entire family, his wife who he promised to love no matter what and his children, what the hell are you sleeping with him for anyway. I have never understood this. If he can openly lie to his wife and kids what is it about you that is so special you think he wouldn't lie to you? Sleeping with another woman's husband is the highest form of arrogance. Cheating on your spouse, IMO is the equivalent to sitting your wife and kids down and pissing all over them.

askYOURdad's picture

It's one thing to say: Sorry honey, I ran your cell phone over in anger, I'm human...and quite another to say: Sorry Honey, she was just so hot that I couldn't help myself, I'm only human

^^^Exactly! and LMAO about the "dick was just that interesting" haha

Your SIL is disgusting! I saw an episode of criminal minds where a teacher was with one of her like 13 year old students... if I were the parents, or that were one of my boys... I can pretty much confidently say that there would be no police report of any kind.

AllySkoo's picture

This is probably at least in part why you still have issues with BM and SD. You say you were wrong, but you don't really feel it. You've got every excuse in the book as to why everyone needs to just forget it. "She was abusive", "she was cheating first", "I can't take it back", or (my personal favorite) "everyone has done something wrong so let's all just forget it".

What you haven't done is list one thing you've done to atone for your actions. Not ONE THING (even an apology, at least not that you've said) that would indicate you're actually working to be forgiven by (at the very least) SD. I think that's why people here are taking issue - because while you say you know you were wrong, you then continue about how everyone ELSE is wrong, and that sort of misses the point by a mile.

AllySkoo's picture

YES.

And, by the way, ALSO YES that legal separation is totally different from "still married". If they don't live in the same house (and especially if divorce proceedings are under way) then it's not cheating to my mind.

Also, as for "what now?" Well, NOW you stop at "I was wrong". You don't justify, you don't talk crap about what the ex wife did in the marriage - were you in that marriage? All you've got to go on there is what the cheating husband TOLD YOU his wife did to him. And he's gonna spin that until you're dizzy, because he doesn't want to be wrong either. So now you just own it. You made a mistake, you're paying for it with the way some other people treat you, and yeah - you've just got to deal. Remember that forgiveness has to be EARNED - it's not a right, just because you say sorry. That means that you've got to go the extra mile, work harder, do more than the average smom. And yes, that's totally fair.

moeilijk's picture

The what now question? Let it go. You can't control what other people think of you. If some people think poorly of you because of your choices, and you want them to think better of you, then step up and make better choices.

It wasn't an accident that his wiener fell into your hoo-ha. Change the values that supported a situation where you're having sex with someone who's already in a relationship. If you've already done that, then good for you.

valmont's picture

My SS's BM blocked me from Facebook. I've never met her nor ever even talked to her (in person/social media/etc.) - it doesn't make any difference to me whether she blocks me or not. However, it's the best choice, in my opinion, for her to block me since the fact that I'm on her son's friendlist obviously bothers her. Maybe it would help if you did the same. I don't see why it would be necessary to keep her unblocked, especially if her attitude is bothering you.

Frustratedlady's picture

Oh she is blocked now. I didn't even realize the woman had a FB page until she made that comment. I do not study her or the ex so her post came out of the blue for me.

valmont's picture

Good. That should get the point across to her without you having to sacrifice your own integrity. It's obvious that you have moved on and have been mature about it. You don't need to be reminded of the BS that your exH put you through. If she wants to act like a child, for everyone to see, that's her problem.

Frustratedlady's picture

Seems like my OP has taken a strong turn for the worse. Obviously, I didn't realize that it would stir all this up.

Doddlin let me give you my point of view to your situation. My original post was not a judgement against my ex or his mistress/wife. My post was merely to vent because after all these years without any problems between her and I, now she decides to make a rude comment. And her rude comment just happened to hit me at a wrong time seeing that I am a mom who is sad because her son just deployed and I really didn't need her to rub me the wrong way. Although, I did just let it go. It was stupid on her part.

After reading all your post it seems like to me that you are the one kicking yourself the most. You are the one filled with a tremendous amount of guilt. You say that the BM, DH, SK's don't get the back lash like you do. Do you want to know why? THEY DON'T FEEL AS GUILTY AS YOU! Think about that. This is not me judging you, this is me explaining that if it had been a man to make the confession like you did on this board, he too would have had the same comments that you received, it's not a woman/woman problem. In this world there are people that don't approve of affairs and there are some that don't care one way or another. It's up to you to decide how you want to "deal" with the harshness you receive. Seems to me that it's eating away at you.

Frustratedlady's picture

"Living in my shadows" yea you probably nailed that one.

Question, do you feel like you are living in BM shadow? The reason why I ask is because my situation with my current H (estranged). When we met he was divorced but had not been divorced for long. I didn't think it would be a problem with our relationship because he was divorced and his kids and mine were all in their early twenties. Boy was I wrong! I was very much treated like the mistress that broke up their marriage by his kids, BM and their friends. I constantly felt like I was living in BM's shadow as well. It was a living nightmare. I totally lost myself while with him. I gain so weight. My appearance changed so much. I was loosing my hair. I was sick all the time. Very difficult time in my life. Yet I wasn't a mistress. I couldn't even imagine how it would have been had I in-fact been the mistress. Maybe you aren't as strong as you think you are in this dilemma. Especially seeing what you posted about you up bringing. I too didn't have a great childhood and I finally admitted to myself it's okay to give in and say you can't handle every thing and I walked away.

It really does sound like you need to work on yourself.

Frustratedlady's picture

Honestly Doddlin your post do confuse the hell out of me. First what started out as a post I made not necessarily trashing the mistress/wife/SM but was more about her over stepping the lines so to speak and doing so after many years of nothing nadda issues with me or my kids. Even though I must say, if most people walked in my shoes during the time of their affair, they would feel they had every right to tell this woman off. Hence why I turned to this board and not to my friends or family who know every detail and would have probably given bad advise out of their own anger. Turning to this board is exactly what I needed to do.

First you responded to my post that wasn't an ugly post trash mouthing ex's wife per-say. But something about what I posted triggered you so much that you had to reply and dish out your dirty secrets. Secrets that I am sure that you have divulged to others in 15 years. And secrets that I am sure isn't the first time you heard a back lash about. I don't get why you were so surprised at the negative responses.

Second you say that affairs happen because marriages are unhappy or people do things. Well I agree with what some of the other posters have said. Not all affairs happen due to unhappy marriages. I can still vividly remember the day I caught my ex with his now wife. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. We, my family and I all sat down and had breakfast, talked laughed and made plans to cook out that evening. I started getting ready to go to the store to buy the things needed for cook out while ex was going to see his grandfather in the hospital. As he was leaving he gave me a very passionate kiss telling me how much he loved me. The weird thing that happened was when he gave me this kiss I all of a sudden got a vision of him at this in a local bookstore sitting at the coffee shop with another woman. All that day I couldn't shake this vision, so to rest my mind I went up to this bookstore. Low and behold there it was my vision right in front of my face! Sure I knew that I had caught them before a sexual encounter had occurred, but to me emotional affairs can hit even deeper. I did not attack him or her. I just left the store. When he got home he found his bags on the doorstep. For 2 years I tried to get a divorce from him but he would not sign the papers. Always begging me to take him back. About a year into the separation I finally conceded and started to try and reconcile with him. One night we had a very romantic evening and I was starting to think things might work out. Until the next day I went to the store and found him with this same woman hugging and kissing. Actually my son was the one who spotted them (mom why is dad kissing that woman). At that point my turkey timer popped! I was done! Left the store without saying one word to him, they never even knew we saw them. Once I showed him indifference, well that's when he completely WIGGED OUT! Begging, pleading, balling his eyes out for me to take him back. I did not give in. Two weeks later, even though we were still married, he was engaged to this woman. To this day his current wife has not one damn clue that all that took place (naive to say the least). As far as she was aware, she got wrapped up into an emotional affair where as you know that he trashed me to her. Their affair turned sexual, but in her eyes it was ok because our marriage was unhappy and we had been separated. WRONG! She was a homewrecker and so was he seeing that she too was married with children. My point is, you don't know exactly what happened between your DH and his ex. And you say that she was horrible to him and cheated. That's between them and what your ex allowed. Plus, you question why the BM causes you grief, well you should have been aware of her character then when you married DH and fully expected her wrath.

Third, you have said that you have tried to apologize to all parties involved. Well hun, if you came at the "parties" like you have posted on this thread, there is no wonder why you haven't had a positive outcome. You are too wishy washy. You say your sorry, but then you try to justify. I know if I had received any kind of communication from you like this no matter how nicely and sincere you are trying to be, you would have probably gotten a "FU" back from me. If you really want to make amends, say your sorry, mean it and don't make any excuses.

Last, and this honestly did anger me in a way. In your last few post you indicated "DH is being VERY supportive to me and is not allowing her to speak about me and has defended me to her". Oh you just don't know how many members on this board probably felt like jumping through the screen and just shaking the hell out of you! Can I get a OOH RAHH from anyone out there that only wishes they had this kind of support from their DH with regards to SK's!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Thank you for addressing all points !!! You are on point !!

I have to grown daughter who are constantly having issues with other girls ~ and my comment to them is ~you gotta act like a parked car and those people who go at you will look like a barking dog. Crazzzyyyyy

You have tremendous class ~ you my dear are amazing !!

sandye21's picture

Frustratedlady, Your story is so similar to my first marriage it's plain scary but I guess it's pretty common. My ex found the love of his life at his work. The blood rushed elsewhere from his brain so he really didn't know what he was doing. Nor did he care when his brain was replenished. The 'love of his life' KNEW he was married but she told my ex she was having problems with her then husband. Yes, we were having a few problems at the time so they must have been a great comfort to each other. I honestly felt they both could have waited until we were separated to have their affair. I was devastated - for a while. He threw away a marriage and family for his own selfishness.

The ex and the love of his life DID get married soon after the divorce was final, and they are still married. But she has endured things I never would. A few years after they got married he was arrested in a prostitution sting. She called a mutual friend while he was in jail, crying that she didn't know what she would do. She also found out he had gambled his son's college fund away. That was the moment I began to thank my lucky stars he was no longer in my life.

As both you and I have found we sometimes can be fooled by a man who, in all appearances loves us. Maybe Doddlin is, at this very moment, being fooled. In the end there is always a price.

Frustratedlady's picture

WOW! SMH!

Look I think you really need to look back and re-read all your post. Hell re-read all the post even though it's be hijacked and has become a jumbled mess. You have managed to make almost everyone very confused not just me. I really don't think you know your left from right. So many including myself have offered advise to you but you still manage to twist it to some degree. Not one person on this board is expecting shit from you. You are free to do whatever you choose. But one thing I learned (that I personally love) about this board is you put your crap out there and your going to get good advise and honest answers even if you don't like it. Some times truth hurts but truth will set you free.

I started this thread 2 days ago and it's really just been in your last couple of post today that you have even really discussed your SK situation. Not anyone knew your background or the real reason why you joined this board. And in all honesty, after all you have posted, if I were your SK I'd have issues with you too. If you flop around saying this one moment and that the next with strangers on a board, I can only image what your like in person and especially with SK.

You say you SK is an adult and your DH has your back. Then run with that honey child and be fucking happy. Who cares how you and DH came about. Sorry I lost my sympathyf for you several post ago. Too much has been stated by you to not only make me feel like you created your own drama but you outta be so damn greatful you have your DH to lean on.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Wow ~ how can you minimize your actions ??

My husband cheated on me with the said "babysitter" I was manipulated in every fashion that would frankly leave all your chins hanging. How someone could b so selfish as to believe that sleeping with a married man is ok ~ is ffffff'ed up.

My hubby passed away 5 years ago ~ and that douchebag has the balls to post pics of my husband and comment I miss you n happy anniversary. Do you have no conscience that you are mentally ruining our children.

Don't get me started on this bullshit !!!

Put your panties up and ride your hell ride ~ no sympathy here.