You are here

Now What?

hopelessly parked's picture

So I have recently decided that I can no longer deal with SD31 after 22 years of being her go blame all!  She hates me and that is ok.  I tried to how her I loved her but it was all in vain.  So I told my DH that he can see them talk to them have a relationship the whole deal, I am not going to anymore.  Here is the reall kick, I am usually the one that does all the Birthday/ Holiday shopping, ships the gifts, sends money if they need it, plans the trips to see them etc. I am not doing any of this anymore, which I am sure will make me even more of the bad guy, so I guess if it does not get done, what do I do? Help my husband or just let it be? Also everything is in my name, the house, the cars, EVERYTHING, because of the BM being such a complete witch.  My will states that everything goes to my son that is mine, so that means everything.  Should I make provisions for the SD31 or just continute like they are not there? I know there are things that my husband has set aside for his kids, and that I will honor, but I dont want to deal with anything with these kids.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I think you already have your answer. Let your DH manage his relationship with his kids. You manage the relationship with yours. 

I have not seen my OSD in several years. DH takes care of the presents and goes to visit a few times a year. It works fine. I don't volunteer to help with the presents, but if DH wants my opinion if something is suitable for the grandskids I help with that. OSD told him I was not family, so he understands I obliged her and that I want nothing to do with her.

My other SD comes to visit a few times a year. I am polite but do my own thing.  She comes to visit her father, not me.  

I have my own bios. DH is friendlier with my kids than I am with his, but my kids have not treated him like his have treated me. But I still manage the presents and the relationship in general.

As far as the will goes, why would you leave something to a non-family member who has been unkind to you? You owe her nothing. Is your DH providing for your son so you feel you must reciprocate?

jam's picture

Since you have done all the Birthday/Holiday shopping, ships the gifts, sends the money, plan the trips, etc AND hated while doing such nice things, don't be concerned that they will hate you more when you stop. Hate is hate! Let your dh handle it all.

Also, I would not make any provisions for someone that hates me. Leave it all to your son.

hereiam's picture

Why would you make provisions for SD31? Would you make provisions for anybody else that treated you like crap? My husband doesn't want to leave his daughter anything. Not only because of how she treats him but because of her life choices. He will not supplement her life.

You don't have to do anything, or help him do things, for his kids. They are his kids, he will either see to those things...or he won't, that's on him. I don't even remind my DH of when SD's birthday is, anymore.

ndc's picture

In your shoes, I would not do any shopping, shipping, sending, planning, etc. For the first year of uninvolvement, I'd give DH my list of birthdays/anniversaries, etc. That would be it. No reminders. And no way would I make any provisions for his daughter. It would be as if she doesn't exist.

notasm3's picture

Now what?  The answer is nothing.  You don’t need to worry about being the bad guy.  I am sure that SS34, his GF and her whole extended family think I am Satan personified. I don’t give a damn. 

Just write her OFF.   Like erase her from your life.  Your DH can see her away from you and your home. 

tog redux's picture

Yep, let DH know you will no longer be handling that stuff, and he will need to.

And no, don't leave her any money in your will, 22 years of crap behavior is more than enough proof she doesn't deserve it.

marblefawn's picture

Welcome to disengagement!

You will love the extra holiday time you have not having to worry about SD's gifts, cards, etc. When I stopped getting SD gifts, my husband went right back to gift cards. So no more antiques or paintings -- now she gets the same Amazon gift card everyone gets from him. And that's OK. In fact, if he got her nothing, I wouldn't even know it, so not my problem.

Putting stuff aside for your SD when he dies is kind. I will do the same, but I'm not going beyond giving her his meaningful things. I predict there will be so much drama if my husband dies first that even that kindness will seem too much, but that's the plan for now.

hopelessly parked's picture

This is pretty new and I will see how this plays out, I am sure the SD31 monster mother is behind this but I am ready to cut the negative and move forward.  And I think I will love the extra time and money that I can spend on my own son (26), so looking forward to not hearing and not dealing with the crap anymore.  I am just mad that I wasted so many years and my time and money etc.

CANYOUHELP's picture

You cannot make a SD like you if she decided long before you that you were not family; so let daddeeee be 100% daddeee, sit back and relax.  Save your money, time and emotion, not worth wasting another minute  of your life on her. Somebody who is nothing to you, gets nothing too....it is the way they wanted it, you did not create the problem.  You are just trying to resolve it peacefully.

sandye21's picture

All of the other posters have said you are doping the right thing..  I got tired of being treated like dog doo so I did the same as you, completely cut any communication, no reminding DH of Birthdays or helping him with gifts.  He can visit SD just about whenever he wants, just leave me out.  But be prepared though.  Many times when you take yourself out of the equation the Skids have to deal with the REAL problem - DH's relationship with them.  My SD is now shunning DH for staying in the marriage.  I know they rarely speak on the phone to each other.  She has never acknowledged his Birthday or Father's Day but when the first few Father's Days after disengagement came around DH would run to the mail box all of the time, find nothing there, then pout for days,

It definitely gets better with time.  It's been over 8 years since I have seen SD and I have never been sorry for completely disengaging.  One thing I realized was that my problems with SD were created by a man who avoided conflict like the plague.  He never resolved issues created by a divorce that I had nothing to do with.  He never demonstrated to her that we were a united couple or that he supported me as his wife.  He allowed me to be an emotional punch bag for SD and let it go on for decades.  So I handed DH back all of his responsibility for a relationship with SD.

Just hang on and you won' be sorry.

hopelessly parked's picture

I told husband that I would give him a list of the birthdays and thier addresses.  He can do what ever he feels is right.  But the days of the $3000 at Christmas is over the shipping for every holiday is over.  He won't do Valentines Day, Easter, Christmas, and the big birthday blow outs.  They will see.  I don' t think that it will cause to much between the husband and i because they never do anything but call him on this birthday or father's day

sandye21's picture

I agree - you are doing the right thing by giving DH back the responsibility for Birthdays, Christmas, etc., and that it probably won't have much of an affect on your marriage.  The thing I'm pointing out is that the Skids won't be able to use you as a scapegoat anymore, and might start redirecting their anger to DH instead of you.  I felt sorry for DH when SD first started to shun him, and you might feel bad for your DH.  But this is just part of the process.  Eventually, DH will adjust.

tog redux's picture

$3000 at Christmas for grown-ass kids?  I don't think my parents have EVER spent that much on me, but surely, not since I was a grown-up.

Why in the world were you doing that at all, much less for kids who aren't grateful?

My nephew is a decent kid, but he never says thank you when I send him a gift.  Guess what, no more gifts that I don't hand to him in person.

 

hopelessly parked's picture

the $3000 was for the SD31, her husband and her child and her Brothers in Law that were minors.  This was the largest amount family wise and this also includes the shipping.  I save all year long for this so I never felt bad for being able to spoil just a bit.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I was also the one who planned everything and reminded DH of birthdays, etc. Then I disengaged. Guess who doesn't remember when it's a skid birthday? We're going on year 4 of my disengagement and DH has yet to remember a single skid birthday.

Memorize this phrase: Not my circus; no my monkeys. It's your DH's circus and the skids are his monkeys. Enjoy your disengagement!

Rags's picture

We locked our estate in a trust upon our joint demise.  This was designed to keep every penny from the SpermClan and protect our son from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool should my bride and I codecease while  SS-26 was a minor.  

To protect SS from their manipulation and invariable gold digging if we were to pass, and to parent from beyond the grave, SS gets nothing until he either completes a bachelor’s degree from a regionally accredited institution or turns 40 whichever is first.

In the event one of us predeceases the other it all goes to the surviving spouse.  The intent in mind when we developed our Will is that it will not change if one of us goes first.   SS is an only child in our family.  Ultimately he gets it all.

I am fine with and proud of that.  I raised him as my own beginning when his mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.   He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

My kid, gets all my crap.

hopelessly parked's picture

Because of the horrible treatment my husband endured from his ex wife, the cheating sl*t who is married to her brother in law, everything had to be in my name, the house, the cars, the bank accounts, all of it. I plan on re- doing my life insurance and my will to state that everything in my name goes to my son.  My DH has his own small life insurance policy and he can divide how he sees fit, but my son will get everything that is mine.  I had my life insurance so that SD & SS would each get 10%, but now it will be 100% to my son.  I felt kinda bad last week, and then over the weekend i realized the 22 years I hae wasted on this and I just don't understand, but I will not be the victim of this anymore!

sandye21's picture

Like you, I also wondered how I could have wasted over 20 years kissing SD's and DH's a$$es.  It only got worse as time went on.  I entered into our marriage with all of the assets too.  I disengaged over 8 years ago and have not been sorry at all.  Nothing -NADA - is going to SD.  All of SD's nastiness got her nowhere.  I have no children so if SD had even treated me cordially she would have inherited quite a bit more than she will ever inherit from DH.  She always thought she was smarter than most people.  SURPRISE!!!

Too old for this's picture

Is not to give DH the list of birthdays.  I decided years ago to stop doing all the giving.  Said, it’s over to you.  He never remembers and that is fine.  They are annoyed with him, not with me.  I love the freedom and extra money.