And it was not an oversight, IMO.

I think it is extremely difficult for SDs to thank SM/SO for anything.  Your SD was well aware it was your idea since you texted her about it.   Responding to to her father, instead of you, is a blatant snub of your invite.   

It was also a conscious effort on SD's part to show her daddy what a wonderful girl she is by profusely thanking HIM for what was your idea, and worse, what will be YOUR money.  This happened to me frequently - SD would thank her father for things/activities when she knew darn well it was me who was responsible for.   That's one of the reasons I've disengaged.  

Shame on your DH for not speaking up. If you didn't confront him about it when he told you, you should have.  He sounds like he needs some training in setting the record straight with SD.  And good luck keeping your resentment down and your mouth shut during this trip!  

Make this the last time you do something nice for her.

I so hear you. My DH will never say "we" bought you the car, "we" paid for the trip. It's always "I bought you the car." It is to the point where my grandson shouted at me once: "Grandpa's money is OUR money, NOT yours!" DH does not relaize his words matter. The steps always say how generous he is....and act as if I am not part of the equation. Yet, I am the one who used to invite them on vacations, buy them special gifts. I have disengaged totally. Tired of being disrespected and abused. 

I think what most people don't get is that not only are your efforts generally not appreciated, but you are too often punished for them as well.  THAT is what makes step-parenting so hard.  It is one thing to do something for someone and then not get an ackowledgement.  BUT, it adds a whole other layer to it, when you get punished for it as well.  And, you never know?  You never have a clue whether what you've done is going to be slightly acknowledged, ignored, or whether SK or the entire family is going to open up a whole can of whoop-a$$ on you for something as simple as acting like what you are, your husband's wife.

This is why I'm always so unnerved when someone says something like, "You should just do these things and not expect anything in return and be happy that you contributed to these children's lives."  Really!  For one thing, what if they are no longer children, and for another thing, unless you are a nun or a priest, I never see anyone else being told that they have to give and give with nada in return.  AND, in addition, not only give and give and get nada in return, but get punished for it as well.

Absolutely does not make any sense.  And, this is at the core of what makes these expections of SM's to suck it up and take it and so on and so on so discrimatory and belittling.  Sure, a BM and a bio-dad may wind up with a kid who takes and takes and rarely gives, but the parents have the benefit of knowing this child is the fruit-of-their-loins, so to speak, and is carrying on something from them into the future.  Step-parents don't get that at all.  All they get, more often than most people think, is a kick in the caboose for their efforts.  And, you never know when it could be coming.  You could think you all get along fairly well, attend a family event, and then quite unexpectedly find yourself in the middle of a figurative take-no-prisoners football game where multiple family members are piling up on you just for being your DH's wife and "daring" to act like it. 

No one else other than a SM or a religious martyr would ever be expected to put up with what we have to put up with.  And, are we treated like religious martyrs for our efforts?  H-, we don't even get a Happy Birthday, much less a B-day card!!  And, people wonder why step-parents chose so often to disengage.  Maybe what everyone should be asking themselves instead, is given the current state of affairs for most step-parents, why would anyone ever want to be a step-parent?  Other than maybe masochists?

For some reason I just thought of the nasty behavior and exclusion.  But when you brought up the fact that we are actually punished for trying to do something good for the Skids, that really struck a cord with me.  It's like smacking someone twice for the same thing.  Like - POW, and you turn around and unexpectedly get punched again - and maybe even a third time..

I lived and relived this experience with SD numerous times.  For instance, I was first punished by SD for giving her a gift that should have been from her Father.  Then I was punished by DH for upsetting his princess.  Then punished by DH and other 'well-meaning' relatives again because I would even THINK of being insulted by the whole scenario - after all, SD is DH's daughter and children (even middle aged ones) come first.  If we go to a Skid wedding the smack-downs just keep coming.

It's not just the point that you can't win, it's that you have to pay over and over again for just trying to be nice.  How dare you!  Even if we 'martyr' ourselves in our attempt to gain acceptance it is never good enough.  We still will never be thought of as a martyr.

Then, when we finally disengage we STILL have to make sacrifices so the disengagement goes smoothly.  It's a trade-off: Not being exposed to all of the Skid B.S. in exchange for a less than ideal marriage where we are still juggling while DH lives two separate lives.

I can't understand why society still clings to the idea that blended families are like the Brady Bunch.  If they knew the truth, as you wrote, "Why would they want to be a step parent?"

My DH And  I are both retired now.   DH was still working several hours away when we first met.  He gave up his new business to come live with me.  I have considerably more assets than DH thanks to his passive stance during his divorce (many years before I met him).   None of that is a complaint it’s just a statement of the circumstances.   We travel a lot so it is not feasible for either of us to work. 

SS34 was perfectly aware that the home I owned and the vacation home I owned were things that I’d purchased years before I met DH.  It he used to brag to everyone about “his father’s” homes. I did many many things for SS,  I was never thanked. 

SS34 LOVED using my assets, my money and my access to certain people, places and events. It has KILLED him that I totally cut him off. Too bad so sad. 

If the text was from your phone, it's hard to think it was totally an oversight, but I guess it depends on your dynamic.

This happened a lot with us. Sometimes I think my husband did give me credit, but it was almost as if SD couldn't bear to speak the words "thank you" to me -- or any other words for that matter. Once I sent her a gift via my husband shortly after I first met her and didn't know her well. Months after the holiday, I finally had to ask my husband if he even gave it to her. I couldn't believe the gift wasn't even acknowledged because it was really me reaching out and saying she mattered to me.

See how she does when you're on the trip -- maybe she'll gush with thanks. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. My grandest gestures to SD were the least acknowledged.

Put another "check" beside this behavior, which all SD's seem to have gotten the memo on.

All wonderful things come from DH, everything is DH's and DH is the one who facilitates such things as gifts, gatherings, cooking etc. All SMs know THAT(?)

Couple , "couldn't bear to utter the words "thank you" to me" with narcissism (NPD) and you'll never hear "thank you." Should you miraculously hear it, it will only be because DH has prompted it, or "had a talk" with SD, and of course, it will not be sincere.

Not saying "please" or "thank you" is just another form of these SD's passive aggressive behavior. "You don't matter to me, and I will show you at every opportunity that you don't."

It used to bother me, but only on the level of it being a common decency deficiency. Once we decide the person doesn't matter, then little things like this won't matter either, as they (SD's) hold no significance or value to your life.

I like "Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed." I've discovered that disappointment can be summed up very easily: When someone chooses not to behave as we would. That's what leads to disappointment, because I think most people with a set of even fundamental manners KNOW to say PLEASE & THANK YOU! For Heaven's Sake, even "BARNEY" the big purple dinosaur teaches that!

My OSD43 refused to give me credit for the things I did and would tell others that something was a "gift from my dad" in her best little girl voice.  When DH said she should give me credit for the gifts, she said she didn't need to because everyone knew the women picked out the gifts. 

What she was really saying that was that 1.  She couldn't bear to give me credit for anything positive, and 2. Giving me credit took away from little girl "daddy gave me a present" tactic she liked to do thinking she endeared herself more to her father.

DH picks everything out now by himself and the presents are only from him. OSD is teaching her children to write thank you notes. I wonder if she is also teaching them that women don't need to be thanked because everyone knows the women pick out the gifts anyway.....probably not, unless the woman is an SM.

Isn't it interesting how most stepdaughters always remove step mothers from the equation on just about everything? Whether its a gift, dinner, scheduling a function.....it just kills them to acknowledge you and their father together so they just give him all the credit. Like my H's daughter use to say "my dads house, my dads car, my dads vacation home", knowing d@mn well its was me LOL. You have to laugh at these clueless idiots!

First off,  this was not an oversight.  She knew it was your idea and you were paying.  This was rude.

It was also manipulative to call daddy.  Don’t fall for this and don’t be satisfied that he thanked you.  He is complicit in this charade.

Mark my words,  unless you clear this up right now you are heading for more of the same with her and ultimately conflict with DH.  

Deal with DH first.  Explain that this was unacceptable and disloyal to you.  Make him call SD on her rudeness.  

The other posters are correct.  You are going to fall into the trap that your gifts and kindness make things worse.

I know from experience.  I paid for SD and her family’s holiday to join us on vacation. (That was 2 adults and 3 children). Never got a thank you.  Got ignored the entire time. She invited only DH to the beach and to dinner without me because they needed “family” time.  When DH said no, she told him he was being controlled by his wife.  So much for my nice idea.

But one of the side effects of SS and his GF being upset about no longer being allowed access to MY assets is that they blame DH.   The GF sent DH a scathing email about how he was no longer allowed access to the grandchild because he would not make me share my belongings. Aholes!!