Not what I wanted
Forums:
My SD and I stop speaking about 6 months ago after I challenged her over a situation that involved how I was feeling therevhad been avlot of other things. I have never interfered with her relationship with her father. I was annoyed with her behavior since she married a man who had no intention of bring involved with us. I now do feel a little guilty that she has pulled back from her father and never interacts with our son. I know her daughter is having a birthday party on Saturday because she told me and it appears none of us are invited. Not that I would go I'm working. Has anyone felt as a step mother you affected your husband's relationship with his daughter.
Don't let her put that on you
Don't let her put that on you. Its easy to blame the stepmom. The truth is the realtionship is between Dad and kid and its their responsibility to nurture it or let it die. She wants to play games, so let her. Her father will either play along or not. She's an adult and so it he.
How did you affect the
How did you affect the relationship between father and daughter? Because you exist? Becacuse you have standards for how you should be treated?
That's right
Its because I stood up for myself and it was pretty soft to. I've known for a long time she doesn't like to be challenged and there is never IM SORRY. I thought about it if it had been my son I would have told him off to. Its hard with step adults they don't accept being treated the same I have learned that.
Your husband and his daughter
Your husband and his daughter are adults. They can work on their relationship on their own. Don't feel guilty for cracks in their relationship. They were likely there before you arrived on the scene.
My OSD told me before I married DH HOW CLOSE they were. What she really was doing was marking her territory. She thought she could do whatever she wanted to me, play mean jokes on me, humilate me at her wedding, and her daddy would laugh and pat her on the back. He did not address her sternly enough for years, but when he finally did, he said OSD was punishing him because she was a bully and he finally stood up to her.
A father finally stood up to his daughter and now he is being punished? In what world is that ok? And what does that have to do with me?
Nothing. Only because I exist. The sick dynamic was already there.
You have nothing to feel guilty for. If your DH wants to improve his relationship with his princess he can do the heavy lifting. You have the right to stand up for yourself.
Thanks
Thank so much.
It's easy to feel guilty over
It's easy to feel guilty over sticking up for yourself when you've had the opportunity but been silent many times over.
The truth is you are allowed to set boyndaries. Her actions towards you and DH reflect on her.
If she wants to be petty and involve your son as well then there is nothing you can do to stop it.
She is a grown woman who should learn to compartmentalize her relationships. It really reminds me of the way middle school kids do 'well I don't like her and if you're her friend then I'm not gonna be yours!'
It's silly and childish.
You are your own person, don't feel guilty.
The fact that she is willing to hurt her father to get back at you is an example of how emotionally abusive and manipulative she is.
Don't give in just because she's behaving this way. It makes everything 1000x worze, trust me.
She needs to have respect for you and yours and get over herself.
Can I ask what your recent
Can I ask what your recent fall out was over with SD?
Invitations
We had an incident where to three of us went to see my husbands grandson play football.normally everything is pleasant not this time SD mother turned her back on us. Husbands family bearly got out a hi. And SD husband said hi then turned his back it was horried we stood way down the field. My son went to the canteen and didn't come back. So we never went again then one time she texted her father said he could come because no one else would be there. I saw the text and asked her why myself and her brother weren't invited. I was accused of causing her anxiety and we haven't spoken since
SD
Oh yea, I've felt I have
Oh yea, I've felt I have probably affected my husband's relationship with SD.
And SD has affected my relationship with my husband.
And my husband has affected my relationship with SD.
So I guess that makes us all even.
Don't feel too bad. I'm sure you've taken some hits because of your SD too and kept on going. If you standing up once or twice makes SD that peevish, that's on her.
It's not you, it's your
It's not you, it's your husband's maladjusted daughter playing games of exclusion. It's what she wants, and she's calling the tune.
And yes, I did affect my DH's relationship with his daughter - by wasting years propping it up. I was the facilitator, the one who urged, reminded, shopped, organized, threw parties and generally did far too much.
In my situation, no one ever called SD out on poor behavior, guided her, or expected anything from her and over time she became quite angry and narcissistIc. She is much like her angry disordered mother, and I suspect that's part of the reason DH seemed content with their distant, one-way relationship. I regret trying to foster a better rapport between them as it was none of my business and my efforts weren't valued or reciprocated. However I dont regret calling her out on her selfish and inappropriate treatment of her father. Someone needed to speak truth to that self absorbed woman.
You know what you know and what you see. For your SD to tell you about a gskid party yet not invite you to it is rude, and she's toying with you. Just be done with her. Don't complain, criticize, or speak ill of her, just delete her from your life. Don't discuss her with your DH, and breezily change the subject if she comes up. Don't accommodate, babysit, or spend a dime on her or her family. Don't pretend, and don't chase her. Just fade out of all things related to your husband's daughter, and leave them to it.
oh i have been told by him
oh i have been told by him that i wanted to put a wedge between him and his daughters and that one of them said i come between them and their dad. it's all on them. because none of them made plans together it was my fault. everything has always been my fault. it's the game they play. you will always be to blame for their dysfunction. it's sickening and just plain hurtful.
Disengaging really helps in
Disengaging really helps in situations like this.
The dysfunction is between the bioparent and the skid(s), but we become a convenient target for everyone's angst. When we remove ourselves from the equation, they are left to deal with each other, and it's not uncommon for the skid to turn on their parent. If you're being called a wedge, you really really need to remove yourself from the whole dynamic.
I feel I have a part in SS16
I feel I have a part in SS16 leaving because after this last stunt with DFS, I sat down and told him that I love him and this is my home and he is welcome to stay but that now we were going to live by MY rules.
I see right thru his lies and manipulations and am fed up with the way he treats his father. I think that may have just given him that last 1/2 inch of a push over to his BM's side.
I did apologize to DH for it, but he said I have nothing to do with him leaving. I still feel I did. It is NOT guilt that I feel, more like validated?
Don't dwell on it.
SS and his GF told DH that he
SS and his GF told DH that he could not see the grandchild because he wouldn’t “make me behave “. Which meant I should give them unlimited access to everything I owned. (All earned and purchased LONG before I met DH.
I did not feel the least bit guilty. Why would I feel guilty that they are aholes?
fyi - DH does see the grandchild now when he wants to. I personally don’t care if any of them are dead or alive.
I think that is what SD's
I think that is what SD's think sometimes in this dysfunction. That daddeeee can "make" us do whatever the step adults want us to do. It is too funny because daddee has zero control over them- but they honestly believe he should control his wife-for them. I think DH's sometimes in response try to do exactly that, (may even tell them he can, possibly); to please them which is impossible anyway....only to quickly find out, DW can/will easily divorce tyrannical daddeee and is willing to have nothing to do with him or his familial sickness; and all of the crazies can get lost.
At that point things change......on way or the other; either way is better for the SM.