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Not going on the visit.

ETexasMom's picture

Big step for me. The steps are on the "not mad at me cycle". You know the one where I'm invited to things and they expect me to show up and treat them like it's an honor to be graced with their presence. Well after the last two years of being left out of "family" at MSD's wedding, being told I couldn't come to Christmas so they could bond (everyone else's spouses were invited just not me) and the huge hissy fit they threw when DH went with me to OBS's military graduation, I'm done. After the Christmas fiasco I think they realized they pushed DH to far because they have been calmer. I was invited to birthday parties but was pretty much ignored.

MSD had her first baby right before Christmas. I went to the shower and was pretty much ignored. I made her personalized onesies and personalized gift bags (I have a machine to cut out vinyl and a heat press to make shirts). When her nieces and nephew were born MSD was all about buying them customized stuffed and at the shower acted like it was nothing and barely pulled them out of the bag. I've never seen a picture of him in any of the outfits.

Anyway MSD came home from hospital on Christmas eve and of course made plans with her in-law and BM's family and ignored DH till Christmas was over. She has been calling him weekly since asking when he was driving the two hours to see her and the baby. It was weird because DH is usually excited over the grandkids and the others went and saw them the same if not next day but this time he put it off. I keep asking when he is going and he keeps making excuses. I'm not sure if he is just tired of MSD or if it's because I told him I wouldn't go.

I honestly just can't handle them right now. DH and I have been in a really place and if I go I know she will say something rude or ignore me and then I will get mad at DH for not standing up for me. I'm already having some depression and confidence issues after being fired awhile back and having a hard time finding a new job. I just mentally don't think I can stand the abuse and MSD is the worse of the bunch. So for the first time I stood up and said I'm not going and for him to go alone. Usually I will say this then feel guilty and change my mind and go. DH left a little bit ago two hours later then he said he was going to leave. Not sure if he's dragging his feet hoping I would change my mind like usual or if he just didn't want to go alone. Guess we'll see how the visit goes.

Thumper's picture

Good FOR you ETEXASMOM...(((HUGS))) You just took your 'self' back.

You are not morally required to accept AND be treated poorly by anyone.

***no guilt OK because you did not do anything illegal or immoral*** ILLEGAL or immoral are qualifications to feel guilt.

Don't look back....and SMILE big "I am sure you had a nice time" pour him a cocktail too when he returns. Wink

Thumper's picture

PS..Dr Laura advised the same thing to a caller just like you. But YOU figured it out yourself. KUDOS

She said "Tell dh, not ask---Sweetheart YOU go to kids and I am going to xyz. HERE is a plate of cookies (or gift) to give them'.

sandye21's picture

Good for you!!! It will be a lot easier next time. Instead of discussing it at all with DH, you can say, "We've discussed this before. I'd rather stay at home." I agree - pour DH a cocktail when he gets home but you do not owe it to anyone to serve as a whipping post - especially if your DH does not have your back when you are being treated poorly.

Get ready for the skids to turn up the heat with DH when you are out of the equation. This happened to my DH. But I figure he can handle it on his own just as he expected me to.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Why cater to the pretense? They don't like you, they're rude and mistreat you. Ice them.

ldvilen's picture

Just remember an invite is an invite and it is not a summons to attend. And, SMs do have to look out for themselves w/ or w/o DH, as we have all learned the hard way more than once. Every SM is different. I always say, do what works for you, because just like every SM is different, every step-situation and the dynamics of such is too. Only you are in a position to really know what kind of Game of Thrones is going on with this family.

Some SMs have the ability to go and suck it up most of the time, some go and don't let anything bother them and actually enjoy themselves, some go for their DH's sake, some go and regret it every time but still keep going, and many more possibilities. The problem that comes in is for some reason just about everyone other than a SM thinks that SMs are supposed to go to these events and suck it up and take whatever and play second fiddle every time.

No way in H- any SM has to do that! For some SMs, you might as well be telling them they HAVE TO go and bend over and get their family ass-whupping every time, because that is the way it can feel. So, forget all of that and do what works for you. I know I have no intention of ever hanging out with DH and his ex- and SKs (GSKs too) anywhere, simply because none of 'em know how to handle it. I get loyalty to BM, but I don't get stupid loyalty, the type of loyalty where mom tells you to jump off of a cliff, and you go do it because mom said so. Too much of this anti-SM crap falls into the stupid loyalty area. It is just plan nuts for someone to think that being nice to dad's wife or SO is somehow not being loyal to mommy, when dad and SM got together after the divorce, and especially when mom was the one who wanted the divorce to being with. AND, especially since mom's SO or new husband. . . no problem with him.

Blind rage loyalty is going to cost them a relationship with their father, and of course, they'll go on to blame SM for it. No question there. Self-destructive loyalty. I wonder, tho., in how many of these cases is it that the SKs really don't want to bother with a relationship with their dad, and SM gives them a convenient excuse? Who knows? To me that actually makes more sense than unabashed loyalty to BM, because some of these adults nowadays, if they can't have it 100% their way, they don't want to have anything to do with it. Just wait until their kids grow up. Wink

sandye21's picture

"I wonder, tho., in how many of these cases is it that the SKs really don't want to bother with a relationship with their dad, and SM gives them a convenient excuse?" Now, that's something to ponder. I used to remind DH to show affection to SD - hug her, tell her you love her. The distance was even detected by an 'outsider' - me. It makes you wonder if DHs feel that lack of closeness but don't have to tools to correct it, possibly intimacy issues, so instead they become ATMs and doormats.

still learning's picture

Totally agree. I've gotten to the point in my life where I rarely accept invitations that I am not 100% thrilled and on board with, skid or non skid related.

As a BM I also don't understand this BM loyalty at all costs. exH was dating a woman a few years ago who was really nice to my dd22 and ds21. She would take them out to eat and get to know them. My kids really liked her and told me so and I thought it was great that they were all friends and I let them know how cool I thought she was. They were upset when she broke it off w/their father (she wisened up!). Another gal he dated was awesome too, I really liked her but knew it wouldn't last because she was just too good for him LOL.

I am perfectly fine w/my kids having a good relationship w/someone their father cares for. The lady he just married has no dynamic w/the kids and exH has dropped out of the fathering scene which has been really hard especially for ds15. I've listened to their frustrations and being COD's they blamed new SM for the troubles with their father. I told them if they have issues w/their dad deal w/him since how he interacts or doesn't with them is 100% his responsibility. He's a grown independent man who is making his own decisions.

I told my kids regardless of what they think of her to be kind and have manners if they're ever in her presence. I'd be embarrassed if they mistreated their fathers wife and acted like overgrown brats. I'd hoped I'd raised them better than that.

ETexasMom's picture

I think the BM loyalty is even worse with my steps because their mother died when they were young. They like to ignore that she left them and that DH and her were divorced and he had a 2nd wife before me. Their mother died of a crack overdose but if you ask them she was an angel and DH and her had a fairytale relationship.

tigerlily74's picture

Good for you!

Just a suggestion IF you ever decide to attend any events in future: Make your DH promise NOT to leave your side. I make sure mine doesn't leave me alone and engages me in all his conversations so I am never left by my lonesome.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Sounds like your husband kept his promise to you, so you have hope.....same exact promise I made my husband make to me, except he didn't keep this promise, even after making it (I was not going otherwise); and, I got called to the side and chewed out when he was not in ear shot, of course, just as I predicted beforehand.

I never went around them again and I never will.

Acratopotes's picture

Good for you!!!!! Finally you can say I'm disengaged,

You do not need this toxic in your life, now for finding a new job.... mmm you can make personalized baby cloths... you have the knowledge and equipment, why not start out on your own...

ETexasMom's picture

I do sell stuff on Etsy but it's not enough to replay a full paycheck. It's just nice spending money. I did have a second interview for a job. I'm really hoping I get it!

ETexasMom's picture

I sure hope so! It's the first job I've really wanted since I got fired. It seemed to go good but they were still holding interviews all week.

ldvilen's picture

There were a whole slew of other comments here, where did they go? Personally, I don't have a problem with people posting their side or their opinions, but then others should have a right to respond to them with their own side or their opinions as well or to clarify. 

ETexasMom's picture

Are you sure it was this post? If there were a ton of comments I guess I missed them and everyone was super nice and in agreement so I don't see them being deleted.

ldvilen's picture

You know you could be right!? Maybe I was having a senior moment? :? Biggrin That's what I get for posting at 5:19 am.

marblefawn's picture

I have gone through the exact experience you describe. And I finally disengaged, but only after about 7 years of trying with SD. The hit one takes when fired or laid off is personal and to the core. You must take care of yourself.

Since I was laid off, two of my dogs have died, I was burgled and lost everything, including my wedding ring, and I had a terrible break that landed me in surgery and off my feet for literally three months. I never got so much as a card from SD. I bent over backward for her wedding and was treated well during that 9 months of planning, only for things to go right back where they were several months after her wedding. I even counseled her daily when her dog died during her "nice" period. And all that time, I was grieving the loss of my vocation.

Now he goes and sees her and I stay home. It's not ideal, but there are fewer fights because I finally have a say in how this triangulation is going to go. That sense of betrayal by my husband for not standing up for me is nearly impossible to get past.

I wish you luck in your job search. If you don't get this job, or another in your industry fairly soon, just take any job that will keep you in the market. If you stay out too long, even a job at Walmart seemed impossible to attain and it kills your confidence even more. Sending you positive thoughts!

bedazzled's picture

Marblefawn, I agree with you. Getting over that sense of betrayel by my husband is what is I can't get over. I am totally disengaged from SD and SS after 15 years of hell. I don't care what they think of me. They are dead to me. Right now I don't really feel like I will ever get over the betrayal by my husband. Since I disengaged he spends even more time with them. They are all just back to the 3 of them like they were before I came along.  Same marriage different wife.  He has his mini wife back he doesn't need me except for show. The man that SD married is a playboy frat boy with his own plane. I don't think he cares that his wife has a second husband. I think he only cares about her popping out heirs to his Daddies fortune.  What whould DH's  church group think? If they only knew. 

I can't really leave. I work for DH and if I leave I won't have a job. I can't afford to not have a job right now. I work 6 days a week DH only works 1 day. So, going to work those other days I get away from it all.  SD came to the office this weekend and put up sticky notes all over DH desk. They are scribbles from her spawn and she wrote I love grandpa on them and signed spawns name. She wants to make sure I know they are everywhere. 



sandye21's picture

Gosh, Moose!  I wish I had some sort of answer for you, some sort of suggestion that would get your DH to realize he is married and should be treating you like his wife, and a smart solution to keep SD out of the office.  Sorry - I don't.  But I think it is really sad you are stuck in this situation. 

I can think of some really nasty things to do like cover the desk with your own stickies so she has no place to stick hers or join her and stick on your own while she is sticking on hers.  Let her know what a fantastic idea she had.  You could write little sayings on them such as, "This place taken" or "Love from your wife".  When she leaves, take them off and save them for the next time she comes in.

As far as DH wanting to constantly be with the Skids he needs limits.  Designate certain days to be for only you and tell him you want a balance between his visits with the Skids and you.

I can't understand why SD would be coming into the office when DH isn't there other than to show you who is DH's REAL wife and rub it in.  It's also hard to believe your DH belongs to a church group considering he is committing emotional adultery with his daughter.   Is there any way you can save up for an exit plan?

Rags's picture

Call a recruiter and get to looking for a new career. Then take this POS of a DH for everything he has and see how  he likes working 7 days a week rather than 1.