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Not the bigger person, I am the fed up person.

grace8205's picture

Well DH and I talked Friday night, he denied that he was mad about anything. He said that he figured out that I was mad that he gave money to skid. I told him that is part of it but not the whole picture. I said I am mad because it never changes, the rules are not enforced, I am the first to the house in the morning and the last to return but I end up doing all the cooking and all of the cleaning with little appreciation from some people, and down right none and blatant disrespect from others. I am expected to play my role and have responsibilities in this house but skid who signed a contract regarding rules in the house is not expected to live by them. Meanwhile people have to tippy toe around him and not say a word. I told him I am just tired of it.

Last week we were away out of town for 4 days. Upon returning home the house looked reasonable. However I noticed that skid had rummaged through my office, found a half smoked joint in my family room, a piece of note paper put into the couch that said “bitch” in this writing (not sure if that was left there just for me since he knows that I am the only one that takes the couch cushions off to vacuum), all my towels used because he is too lazy to do this own laundry and wash his own towels. Just feel that there is no respect from him for this house or the other people in it.

My DH told me that I can not change his parenting style, and he cannot say anything to his kid because he is “not built that way” and then because the heat was on his 20 year old he had to point out my 18 year old son (who lives with us half time) did not unload the dishwasher on Thursday when he had no school. Really???? That all you got??? His kid never unloads the dishwasher and breaks all the house rules. At least mine does not break the rules. I did mention to my son that he left Thursday without unloading the dishwasher and leaving dishes in the sink, immediately he said sorry and apologized to DH. He was just being an absent-minded 18 year old, which I get sometimes. Meanwhile his kid never unloads the dishwasher.

I told DH Friday night that I can not control what he does or how he handles things, however as a home owner I am not willing to put up with it and I am calling going to be callings skid on his shit. He said nothing except he said “Maybe we shouldn’t have moved in together and gotten married until the boys were out of the house”. I have felt that way about this situation, but I have never said it because at this point it is too late and there is no going back and to say something like that is just would be said to hurt the other person. Before we moved into our first house together that we were purchasing on the other side of the City I asked him if skid was ok with that and he said “I don’t care, he is an adult and if he does not like it he can move out and that I have made enough sacrifices for my kid and waited until his was 18 before making any changes”.

Skid was suppose to start paying rent this month on February 1st in the amount of $300.00 and when the 1st arrived, he whined to his Dad that he did not have enough money to pay rent he said that he would pay it on his next cheque. Friday was pay and skid left $260.00 in our office on DH’s desk and went out for the evening. I asked DH why the rent is short $40. DH told me that he is giving his son a break on starting to pay rent this month and the money collected is for his car insurance and cell phone that is due on the 22nd , which comes out of our account and not to transfer funds for these items into my son’s savings because his son paid for his cell and insurance. My DH is not liking the fact that what we do for one, we do for the other, because if his skid does not pay these items by the 22nd I would have transferred funds in the same amount to a savings account intended for my son. But know he is trying to say that he paid it, I don’t agree, the $260 I am accounting has rent that was shorted $40 and I will still transfer the funds near the end of this month to the savings account.

So needless to say Friday night’s talk was not great but was not a disaster. I feel somewhat better getting things off my chest and putting DH on notice that I will just handle things myself. I should not have to handle things by myself, I will be forever resentful for that, but I can only control me.

Saturday morning at 5:00 am I had to wake skid and GF off the couch and tell him to drive her home now (she was suppose to be out by 2:00 am). Everyday there is a a rule off the contact broken. More rules broken as the day wore on. Skid left his laundry in the dryer because he can never finish before leaving the house for the night. I needed to finish my laundry that he interrupted so I put his laundry from the dryer into the basket and went up to his room to leave the basket on the bed. I walked into the messy room (another broken rule) and I could smell the pot. He is not allowed to have drugs on the property or bongs, pipes etc. It took me 2 seconds to find the ½ ounce of pot, which costs $150 in our City. Found garbage, empty shopping bags and receipts on the floor and the receipts were for his spending in the last 2 days. $100 in clothing for himself, $55 on flowers for GF, $75 on a Pandora charm for GF, $120 on a bong (to smoke with weed I found). So he tells his Dad he is too broke to pay rent but the above totals $500. Not to mention that he was taking GF out to dinner, which is another $80.00, and up to an observation tower in our city which is another $40 for the two of them. So in two days that brings the total to $620 crap. But he is too broke to pay rent? No he just thinks he is entitled to a free ride.

I took the pot and disposed of it. Skid will be so pissed off and I don’t care because I am beyond that. I did not say anything last night to DH, I wanted to enjoy one night of peace without us fighting about his kid or him pouting because his kid is such an f-up. I knew that skid is sleeping over at GF’s (parents) house(that’s another story, what kind of parent lets her 17 year old daughter’s BF sleepover), I know I will not have to deal with skid until sometime later today.

I am going to let my DH know that I am done talking and I am taking action. His kid can leave, go live with friends, go live with GF and her parents or go to his bio-mom’s or on the streets but I am so done with this bullshit.

No saint's picture

I would not have a skid like that living in the same house as me; either he'd go, or I would.

bearcub25's picture

I kicked my own DS out bc he was doing illegal things, not contributing, bringing people around my DD15. It was hard but he has thanked me many times for doing it so he could grow up to be a responsible, somewhat, adult.

My DSO lived with me when it happened, and he sort of encouraged by saying I could lose my home if DS was caught by cops etc. So DSO knows I have no problem kicking out a skid either. You have to take up for yourself, bc no one else is going to do it.

still learning's picture

I can relate. DD20 cannot live with me due to similar issues. She was here for awhile during the summer and I was considering having her live with me for awhile, pay rent, ease her out into the adult world etc. My DD broke all the house rules alcohol, pot, sex in the basement and SS30 came over and joined her. I was "The Bitch" according to both of them, ruining their fun, so horrible mean and unfair. That was it, she blew it for herself and ss30. DH knows that I won't tolerate it from my own kid and certainly not from his 30 yr old anymore either. DD won't be coming to my home for awhile and when she does she'll have to pay her own way to get here and it will be a short visit.

Some kids/skids/DH's will get away with whatever you let them. Gotta put the ol bitch foot down. Life is much easier after that.

onthefence2's picture

Sometimes I hate reading stories here, because I get SO pissed at this crap, but then I love it because it keeps me single. I wish I could be a fly on your wall, so after DH left we could break open a bottle and just drink and laugh our asses off at the stupidity. It's unreal.

While I would get this kid out, I would not call the cops on the drugs. It's stupid that it's illegal to begin with, and it will cause ALL kinds of problems for him in the future which are not worth it. And that will affect his dad (and you). I agree that you should document everything. Copy the receipts and show them to dad asap.

furkidsforme's picture

How convenient. Your DH is using you. He doesn't want to parent his spoiled ass kid, so he will let things get terrible enough with his son's out of control behavior until you finally snap and either put the kid out or enforce the rules. That way he gets to point the finger at you as being the bad guy, and he gets to stay his son's "buddy". What a fucking pussy of a man.

grace8205's picture

Well spoke to DH this morning, I was very calm, sat him down, held his hand and looked into his eyes and said that I have been thinking about what he said on Friday night about he thinks we should have waited until the boys were out of the house. I said at first I thought you said that just to hurt me but I have thought about it and maybe you are right. I told him that I do not like being angry and unhappy everyday about these issues, and it is not fair to him to be married to someone who is angry all the time. So I think it is for the best that we do not live together at this time. I love you but I cannot do this. I continued by telling him exactly how I feel about the situation, I made sure I was calm, never raised my voice, did not out right bash or name call anyone.

I told him about the pot let him know that I am not exaggerating the amount, because I weighted on my kitchen scale and took a picture. Told him and showed him everything to do with the way his son chooses to send his pay cheques instead of paying his bills and rent. He told me he does not know what to do. I told him why would your son follow any rules, he knows there are no consequences for his actions; so why wouldn't he do anything he pleases. Then he asked me what he should do. When his son signed the contract the only consequence that DH listed is that if his son did not follow the rules “he was choosing to move out”. DH says he refused to police him and constantly nag at him, I told DH that is what your kid is counting on. I told him that you never liked or agreed with any of my suggestions before this came to ahead, and this is up to him (DH to handle) I can only control my own actions, and I can only make my own decisions which is that I cannot live this way and I won't.

I told him how it angers me that his son treats him with so much disrespect and swears and uses him as a verbal punching bag. I said anyone else treated my husband that way I would have already laid the boots to them. So understand why I don't like your son, it comes out of being defensive for my husband. I also told him it is not fair for him expect me to be the heavy and enforce the rules or ignore his son’s disrespect for the house rules and the other people in the house.

He asked if he can give him 30 days notice. I said what happens after 30 days and he does not have a place or other arrangements? DH replied, “Well I just can’t kick him out”. I told him this is what his son is relying on, no follow through by you and he always will. He agreed to give him 30 days notice and told me that the next 30 days will be hell because his son will be throwing a fit and having an attitude. I said he can have 30 days notice as long as during that period he follows the rules to a T and there is no attitude. Otherwise I cannot live here. If he is not gone in 30 days then we will not live together and I will have to put the house on the market.

He went on to tell me he is in a tough spot and I agreed with him. He told me that he loves me and that he understands. That is where it ended since he had to run off for an appointment. I guess I will have to wait and see if he does do it or he backs out and tries to ignore the problem and hope it goes away.

I am pretty proud that I handled the conversation so well and remained calm instead just loosing my shit.

still learning's picture

"Tell DH to call the people, those relatives, to see if he can stay with them..."

Yes, but only the relatives that you really dislike }:)

still learning's picture

“Well I just can’t kick him out”. Um, yes you can. I would get him a storage shed with the first month free and start moving his crap out tomorrow. ALL of his stuff needs to be packed and out by 30 days. He can live out of his car. Poor widdle baby needs a dose of reality.

sandye21's picture

Good for you for calmly standing your ground. You wrote that SS has to stick to the rules for the next 30 days but your DH told you SS will probably have an attitude. So I don't understand why you are even giving SS 30 days. If anyone else stayed in your home and treated you the way SS has you would have told them to leave without a 30 day notice. SS was informed of possible consequences already and disregarded them. It is not really up to you or DH to find other accommodations for SS. He is an adult. He needs to go now.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Handled brilliantly! Unfortunately, when things get to this point nothing is going to change. Get some bags for his clothes and tell him to start packing as he has not seen fit to honor his contract with you. Nothing, sadly, is going to change.

Perhaps he can go live with the GF for awhile, until she, or her parents throw him out.

There is a point in life when we want the "empty nest". The peace and quiet that go with it.