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Not again??? Yes, again ...

Miss T's picture

DH and I have retired to a popular vacation destination, and inevitably our kids are planning visits.

Two of mine will be here next week. As soon as they mentioned their planned dates, I offered to help them find lodgings, advise on desirable places to stay, where to rent cars, etc. No questions, no protests. Just thanks, Mom, we'd love your help.

SS28 plans to come next. His live-in girlfriend recently dumped him, as I long ago predicted she would. Now DH wants to put the poor heartbroken little lambkin up "for a week or two."

How many freakin' times do I have to say I do not want this human blister in my home overnight? I can just about put up with him for a few hours at a time, but the thought of finding him moping around the kitchen before I've had coffee makes me crazy.

I told DH that if it is truly important to him to sleep under the same roof with SS, I will find a BnB for myself while he is here, maybe take a short solo trip out of the area. That won't do, apparently, but I'll go anyway if DH continues pouting and acting buttburt about it.

I wish DH would stop pretending some miracle has taken place between me and SS. By now DH must surely know where the lines are,  and I''m starting to think he issues these challenges just so I"lll say hell no and he can enjoy some payoff too twisted to contemplate. Gah.

Kes's picture

To be fair, it's your DH, not your SS who's not accepting your terms.  I like your plan to go to a bnb, or preferably further afield, if he insists he wants SS to stay in the house.  But frankly, and in light of SS's age - I'd just refuse to have him to stay. If DH wants to stay with him let him and SS go to an hotel. Why should you leave your home?  The fact that you live in a "popular vacation destination" should not be the reason for anyone visiting.

shellpell's picture

I wouldn't leave my home and inconvenience myself. Plus who wants skid skulking around my home? Who knows what he might snoop into. The idea of someone I don't get along with having full access to my home when I'm not there gives me an anxiety attack. Hold your line! No skid. Send him and your H somewhere if they need to sleep under the same roof.

Winterglow's picture

FFS, his girlfriend broke up with him, that's all. Nobody died. Let him deal with his life for once all by himself ... as if her were a grownup (groan-up?).

Tell your DH that if he feels he needs a noble cause, he should volunteer at your local animal shelter ....

stepmomnorth's picture

I think that both sets of the kids should have the same rules about using the house. The SS should also be staying at a hotel. I'd try to push that :) 

Miss T's picture

The more I think about this, the more I realize how much this is a DH problem. I have no idea whether SS28 thinks it's a dandy idea to stay with us or not. What's bugging me is that  DH's reflexive response is, Of course he'll stay with us. He claims this is just the way he is, the way his FAMILY does things (emphasis on how wonderful his FOO is, which, sorry, it's not) with the implication that my FOO is a cesspool of dysfunction (which it is).

The thing is, when my kids said they were visiting, I immediately volunteered to help them find accommodations and they cheerfully accepted. For all I know, SS would cheerfully accept such an offer too. But DH thinks it's necessary? cute? to come to me with a request he knows perfectly well will rile me up and that will ultimately allow him to cast me as an inflexible bitch. 

A few years ago his brother came to visit from Europe and DH got me to agree to let him stay with us. I can't figure out why DH thought his generosity was needed or expected. Brother has money. He and his wife spend 2 or 3 weeks a year in gorgeous hotels on stunningly beautiful tropical beaches. When he visited us he probably would have preferred to stay in a nice hotel, but as far as DH was concerned nothing would do but we put a mattress on the spare room floor where bro could sleep. We are all adults in our 60s. This was ridiculous, but bro has been nothing but kind and courteous to me, so I relented. Not so with snotty SS, and DH has to know it.

As we see so often here, this is not a step problem. It's a DH problem. I'm calling shenanigans.

Thanks for the responses.

 

stepmomnorth's picture

I think it's one thing when it's an unblended family. But it's way different when it's a blended family with step children. I've only been in step game for around 6 years but it's becoming increasingly clear.

In my 20s my parents would have welcomed me into their house also. But that was only for weekends, not full weeks. 

CajunMom's picture

Currently, DHs kids aren't even welcome in our marital home. He sees them on his own time. Most live 2k miles away; only one local and he never calls/visits his dad anyway. I tolerated way too much toxic treatment for way too long and DH knew it was the boundary or we were done. He's accepted it and has been supportive of the boundary (set in counseling). 

I am contemplating (with my therapist) to allow them to visit DH in our home but they will need to stay in hotels...while I can disappear into my studio or run an errand for a few hours, I'm not dealing with them in my home in the evenings or in the mornings before I've had my coffee. I'll have an easy sell on that one, as DH must stay in hotels when he visits them. So...what's good for DH is good for his kids.

Stick to your boundaries. If your kids have to stay in hotels, then so does your SS.

Rags's picture

Nope, your kids stay at an off site location, SS stays at an off site location.  And you only pay for the same # of nights for SS that you paid for for  your BK(s).

DH can stay off site with the SS.  Keep your home sacrosanct.

Miss T's picture

Yes, a big, fat goose egg. My kids can pay for their own visits, and so can his.

I was thinking about this more today, and it increasingly looks like a DH problem. His FOO definitely has some different attitudes toward tolerating the presence of outside adults in the home. As a young man, he was allowed to bring his girlfriend into his parents' home for overnights. His brother, the one who stayed with us, lives in Europe. He has two sons in their late 20s who still live at home. When they can snag girls, these men sleep with the young women in their childhood bedrooms. I'm told (by guess who) that this is a common practice in Europe. Whatever, but EWWWW. With Mom and Dad in the next room? And the parents--their grown ass kids cavorting down the hall, all night, every night? None for me, thanks. I'm American, and EWWWWW.

DH is Americanized enough to find his brother's family arrangements unsettling. He thinks his brother should long since have pushed the boys (?) out. I'm going to urge him to take that next step. If he continues to complain about what a controlling harridan I am because I won't allow his son to stay here, I'll just remind him that he's the one with the bizarre attitude.

shellpell's picture

I agree with you 1000%. Sil who thought nothing of the fact that bm at one point "offered" to let dh stay at hers for a week every month to see skid, allows her 20 year old to moved her bf in and when she was in high school let her have overnights. So gross.

Winterglow's picture

It certainly isn't common practice in this part of Europe for kids to have their bf/gf to sleep with them in their parents' home - if you want to do that you move out. As for staying at home forever, that happens around here for a number of reasons:

  • real estate is expensive and it can take forever to raise the funds for a deposit
  • unemployment is high
  • the tendancy is to buy rather than rent because renting is seen as throwing money out the window.

Birchclimber's picture

Nope, Nope and Nope!  No ingrates will be sleeping under MY roof anymore!  That boundary has been set.  Nor should they be allowed to sleep under yours.  I agree with Shellpen.  The last thing you want or need is a stepkid prying into your personal space. 
Book a nice room with TWO beds, pack DH's overnight bag and wish them both a nice Bonding Visit at the hotel! 

Miss T's picture

... for the comments. I'm usually pretty cold nosed about this kind of thing, but due to another small drama I'm weakening--very slightly--to the point where I'm considering agreeing to spend half of SS's visit out of town, and the other half holed up in my room. It's not definite yet, and I may not decide for sure until the visit is imminent. Meantime my own offspring are happily planning their independent stays.

For the sake of interest, discussion with DH has revealed that his nephews are older than I thought. The one who just moved out is 30 (I'll bet his GF is relieved) and the one still living at home is 32. Good grief. DH is of course aware that his son can well afford his own place while he visits. "I just can't do that (do what??) to my own flesh and blood!" These people need to figure out how to cut the damn cord.

Thanks again.