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(newbie) Thanks, kind and chatty strangers

MyOwnThoughts's picture

I'm so incredibly wiped out currently, but had to find the oomph to set up an account here. You have been a lifeline of not so much hope but at least validation. I have taken my rage and incredulousness of the past few days of private, miserable, step mothering hell and sunk it into reading here.

I've been with my husband nearly 10 years. I've regretted choosing him for about the same amount. His grown (41d, 38d, 36d, 33s, 32d, 30s) children are shabby people and generally vicious. Dunno if I blame my husband in this dynamic, them, or my own self for not doing better with protecting my own values and self. Likely the last one most.

I would share specifics, but it makes me physically ill when I try articulating it all. The chaos and drama really, really is taking a toll on me. What a lonely azz road to walk!

Thank you, each of you, for taking effort to share and type your stories. I will breathe deeply and hang on at least for this day. I will come back tomorrow and borrow strength from you again. I used to really like who I was. I want to know that person again and honor her, regardless of this no win situation I'm navigating.

 

 

 

Merry's picture

It is SO easy to lose ones' self in the step dyanmic, or really any out of control situation. Things happen that are almost impossible to believe. People act in ways that are flabbergasting. And underneath it all we wonder what in the world did we do to contribute to the mess, and if not that, then at least, how do I help clean this up? Because that's what caring and kindhearted people do.

But then the day comes, usually along with exhaustion, that we say "no more, I give up, I won't do this." And that's when change comes. You can't change the adult steps, don't know if there is hope for your DH, but you can certainly take care of yourself. It might be through individual counseling (highly recommended) to figure out why you put up with so much sh!t for so long and what you need now to move forward, or it might be reconnecting with your friends/family/hobby, or it might be leaving the whole dysfunctional group behind, or it might be something else. THere are lots of pathways back to sanity.

But I promise you, YOU are still in there somewhere.

You will find a world of help here. Tell us your story when you are ready.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Sometimes tackling one issue at a time helps.  Maybe one particular event or individual that has been awful.

I think you've already found that just reading about others in the same boat can be theraputic.  You've discovered you are not alone and there are legions of us out here who are struggling with stepfamily issues.  

Jump on in whenever you care to - the water is always fine at Steptalk!  

sandye21's picture

Please have faith.  When you wrote, "I want to know that person again and honor her --", this is a sure sign you are at a turning point.  I was in the same place you were over 7 years ago, confused, angry and what I felt was rock bottom.  With the help of the wonderful people on this site, and seeing a counselor on my own, I began the same journey of getting to know and honor myself again.

Little by little you will share what you have gone through with us and the odds are you will be responded to by someone who writes, "I went through that too!"

You have probably found that your problems stem more from your DH's reactions and disrespect for you as a wife than from all of the nasty things the Skids have done.  I had to find myself first so DH would learn to be a good husband.  I had to start respecting my rights as equal to those of everyone else.  But the key is WANTING yourself again.  Don't give up.  You are on your way.

Gimlet's picture

Six stepkids?  Hats off to you for still being coherent. 

fairyo's picture

Six adult skids too! My, I couldn't cope with half as many!

Losing my sense of self was the reason I found myself here- it is a great place and you are very welcome.

Suemm44's picture

I can't handle the two I barely see. Sd I haven't seen in over 2 yrs and it's been peaceful. You sound like a warrior to me ! This is a great place when waters get hot. I love venting . Blow off some steam 

marblefawn's picture

Welcome!

You'll find this site is a great place to hide when you're trying to avoid step visits, guilty father/husbands, mini-wives, Disney dads, adult man-children, out-of-control biomoms, manipulating stepdaughters (I bet you have a few of those!) or just work. I also stopped reading the news, so I spend that time on Steptalk now -- it's actually less depressing here!

 

Kes's picture

Hi and welcome!  I went to your first blog post to read your story - but you have the comment facility turned off so no-one can post comments - not sure if you meant to do this or not - so am posting here instead.  You have a lot to deal with - I hope that finding ST will provide you with the support and sanity that it did for me 7 years ago.  

CANYOUHELP's picture

Welcome, you are not alone...this site was a game changer for me, the relief I needed to have, always questioning my own feelings. We all eventually arrive at the same place you describe, the unrecognizable me. Thank goodness, that is the turning point for us, the reason WE bring change in our lives.

I have learned I cannot count on my husband to protect me, he is unavailable when it comes to his ill-raised brats. I guess they have been so bad and nasty for so long to others, he thinks it is okay.  I am not certain what he thinks, but any reasonable parent would never accept the behavior I/he have experienced.

You can be the nicest woman in the world and a success in every other way, and still inadequate-- to jealous, unaccepting step kids. Arrange your life without them, if DH is wimpy, and ghost them out of your life for good.  Nasty people are not welcome in your life.

Trying to be WIse's picture

Someone needs to do a research study on what it is about being stepchildren that allows people to treat the SM in ways they would never treat another person in their lives. It's like the gloves come off and the creepiest, almost laughbly mean (Boris Badinov-style) behavior comes out. We all write about it, we all live with it. If more than half the families in the US are steps now, are more than half the families in the US dealing with bizarre dynmics that rival Dynasty and Dallas? I of course mean the remakes--trying to not date myself here. Take comfort, what slim comfort there is to take, in knowing you are not crazy nor are you alone. You have many fellow travelers who find themselves in the land of adult-sized people who act like toddlers.