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New mother of 25 year old. I have no idea what to do.

KayC's picture

I only recently became a stepmother. My husband has 2 children, a son (23) and daughter (25). I do not have children of my own. I get along decently with his son, he is a nice young man away at college (and doing very well). The daughter, on the other hand, is attempting to ruin our relationship. My husband has clearly stated from the beginning that his daughter is selfish and spoiled, but it is now disrupting me and I am not sure what to do. Up until now I have followed my mothers advice and it has resulted in disaster. It started with us taking a week-long trip (my husband needed medical treatment out of state, not for anything major but we wanted to go to the best). While gone she agreed to take care of our pets. As it turns out she decided to have friends over to our house, drink a bottle of vodka, and not ONCE change the cat litter or feed my cats. When we returned she went on and on about traveling with her friends while we were gone and how much fun they had. My cats were forced to potty outside their box (all over our newly renovated home) and nearly starved! She had the audacity to complain that the house smelled when we returned. She never apologized and was not reprimanded in any way, shape, or form by her father. My mother advised me to simply stay quiet and leave when she was there. I have done exactly this. Now she is at our house every chance she gets. Last night I cooked a lovely meal. She drove over (2 hours) and decided to cook my husband a meal instead. My meal sat there as he ate her food (all meat because she knows I am vegetarian). The last 3 weekends I have been promised a weekend getaway and because of her it has been cancelled all three times. Whenever he has time away from work (all week he has time for nothing else) she manages to take all his time. Before I moved in she RARELY came over to his house. I have discussed this with him several times. Nothing has changed. He just tells me that she is selfish and spoiled. Now I never have time alone with him. It is draining our relationship. I have no idea what to do.

Newimprvmodel's picture

First of all. She is not your daughter! She is your husband's! You owe her nothing, and you need to start setting boundaries in your house. Tell her she needs to call first before coming over and seeing if it is ok.

fedup13's picture

Echo has wise words again. Everything she said is true. Me being a fellow cat Mama/Lover, my attention went directly to what she did to your cats while you were gone!!! OH HELLL NO!!! That would have been the thing that caused me to erupt and tell her EXACTLY how I felt. That is awful and no way should that have gone on without her getting an ass chewing of a lifetime from her father. He is going to have to do something and you should do exactly what Echo said for yourself. Do not let her ruin your marriage.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Welcome KayC:) I agree with the others that it is now time to put your foot down in all this.Your husband is the one to blame.I can't believe that this spoiled SD of yours gets away with nearly letting your cats starve.How is this ok or to be quiet about?For your own sanity, listen to the ladies here , not to your mom who gives you such advice (of course well meaning, but not helpful at all).
There is one main thing that needs to be done: Your husband needs to start putting you in the position of a wife -FIRST and take his spoiled brat from the pedestial and put her also where she belongs- SECOND.Not both of you on the same level or worse her needs over you- YOU are his wife.

herewegoagain's picture

I couldn't agree more with the others. The advice of your mother is WRONG. YOU SHOULD NOT leave YOUR home when she comes over. I can assure you that your mother would not leave her home if some idiot was coming over and doing such things. It is YOUR HOME with your husband. If your husband doesn't have the ba#$%#$ls to tell her how it will be, then you tell him one more time how it will be...otherwise, you need to get out. Yep. NOBODY should put up with some idiot at 25 and a husband who knows she is a spoiled brat allowing her to continue her ways and put you last.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

It is time for you to take control. If your DH won't do it, you MUST! I made the mistake of not taking control and I had years of hell. It will not get better and the longer you do nothing, the worse and harder it will be to change.

Tell SD to call first in the future. If she thinks she can waltz in and start cooking after you already cooked. Stop her! Go right up to her and say I do not want you cooking a meal in my kitchen today.

Take charge and put her in her place if DH won't. It is your home too!

sandye21's picture

Please take this advice from '20Year'. I put up with this for over 20 years also. The harder I tried to be nice the worse the abuse got. If your DH will not clue SD in, your will have to do the dirty work like I had to. Set boundaries now with both DH and SD. If DH can not live with your boundaries and honor you as his ONLY wife, (believe me!) it is not worth staying in the relationship.

Craving Normality's picture

A 25 year old coming over to see dad every weekend? She is odd. My parents split up when I was 22. I knew he would be alone most weekends. Guess what I did? Signed him up on a really good introduction agency so I did not have to worry about him having nothing to do on weekends - lol! I knew he would have dates lined up by the agency. I did not want to have to worry about him being alone, now that's a normal 20 something woman, caring, but a bit selfish. As soon as I knew he'd found someone nice I relaxed and let him be. Your SD is totally strange!

Anon2009's picture

First, you are not their/her mother.

Second, do what echo said.

Your sd may not be into doing some of the partying things that her friends do.

Craving Normality's picture


KayC's picture


Thank you. I appreciate that so many of you took the time to offer such wonderful advice and suggestions. Clearly I have handled this situation incorrectly. Tonight at 8pm my foot will officially be put down. I have scheduled a "sit down" with hubby. I am a very nonconfrontational person, so this is going to be interesting. While anxious about tonight, I am excited to be taking back control of my house.

I already know that hubby is not going to like the idea of his daughter having to ask permission to come to "her" home. I knew moving into his house (that he once owned with his ex – long before I came along) would cause problems. She had lived here longer than I have, and she had serious issues with my renovations (whole house, except the kid’s rooms, looks completely different). I am going to offer a second option - selling this house and moving into another one that is officially "ours". I think he will choose option #1!



forgotten wife's picture

tell her AND him that the only house that belongs to her is the one she pays the mortgage and utilities on.

there can only be ONE WOMAN OF THE HOUSE. ask your DH whom he would lke that to be.