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In Need of Some Good Vibes

Overit2018's picture

Hi Everyone! So you've probably seen my older posts about SD and how I spoke to DH about her transferring over to the University and moving into the dorms. Tomorrow we're taking her to the college's big Open House day where they're supposed to sit down with her and talk about credits, financial aid, and...drum roll... HOUSING. Supposedly they are able to get everything set up for her right there on the spot. She says she is excited, which is good. 

HOWEVER-I am super stressed because I worry they will tell her one small thing that is in her way and she'll end up shrugging her shoulders, assuming she can "just live with daddee for another year." I am realllly hoping this all works out and they get her all set up tomorrow. That way, even though I have to suffer with her through the summer, there is a light at the end of this seemingly dark tunnel. Just asking everyone to send me some good JU JU!

I'll update tomorrow when we pick her up as soon as I find out. I am probably over-thinking it, it's just that the idea of her finally deciding to move into the dorms and out of our house seems too good to be true right now... 

Merry's picture

It’s a good first step. 

But one does not get through uni or life without hurdles. BM Is a big time quitter (always the victim) and SS started down that path too. Happily, he’s pretty stable now. 

Has Daddeee made it clear that she can’t move back home when she stubs her toe or her professor doesn’t give her an A just for showing up?

Momof2Girls's picture

sending positive thoughts! Keep positive and it will come together and she will be out of your house soon enough and off your damn couch! 

I pray she gets it together to move to on campus housing, these damn SDs have no idea how aggravating they are!

Overit2018's picture

Welp---EXACTLY what I thought was going to happen, happened, unfortunately... Sad So the open house was from 10-2pm. Right at noon, SD calls DH asking him to pick her up. She sounds all ho-hum on the phone and I immediately start shaking with anger. I can hear in her voice that nothing got done. We pick her up and she tells us she's "not sure she wants to do this as a major now and really just wants to write." I have mentioned in other posts how she always said she would rather not take classes and would rather "just write." I straight up told my DH if that's what she wants to do then she will be moving back home with Mommeee. She claims she liked the campus but she needs to still "think about it." What it all boils down to is this: She's LAZY. And here's why.

On our way home, BM called her. I can hear her talking to her in the other room. She's telling BM how it's sooooo hard to register and you have to fill out paperwork and how she just doesn't know and how she hasn't decided what to do. She's pushing BM to get off the phone because she supposedly "felt bad all day and just needs a nap." 

This could easily go my way, however because here is the deal. If pwecious liddle SD doesn't want to enroll in the University, she has NO CHOICE but to move home. I refuse (and DH KNOWS THIS) to let her just work and live her when we're about to start looking at houses. SD KNOWS we are planning to move soon, too. If she wants to "follow her dream" to write and it's "just too hard" to enroll in a F*cking college, then here's your plane ticket home. I am fed up. The whole purpose of us driving up there and back today was so that she'd come home as an enrolled student with plans to stay in the dorms. 

When she finishes this semester, I will need a DEFINITIVE answer whether or not she's going back home or not. No more games. No more excuses, which is EXACTLY what we got today and EXACTLY what I predicted would happen. 

sandye21's picture

"When she finishes this semester, I will need a DEFINITIVE answer whether or not she's going back home or not."   You do not need an answer from SD.  The deal was that she go to college - she backed out of the agreement.  She needs to leave at the end of the semester.  Period.  Stick to your guns!!! 

Overit2018's picture

Totally agree. This college locally is basically a satellite/community college, so even if she did another year (NOOOPE) after that point she'd have to move on somewhere. She's told us she hates it here (small town with not many people her age) and that she was "sooo excited" to move on campus. I think when she sat down today she realized college is more work than she planned on & honestly I don't think she is ready to be on her own. Well guess what? Then she can move back home to mom. We are not going to take care of her while she goes to her job, comes home, eats, and sleeps. Nope. The purpose of her moving here was for SCHOOL, and to transfer to this VERY school to be specific. If she's decided she doesn't want to do that, it's time to pack. She knows this, I think she's just to scared to admit she's ready to go back home. (**crossing fingers**)

mapitout's picture

You're doing what her parents needed to do a long time ago, get her launched! Keep with it, she'll move along, especially with you being clear on where you stand in the matter.

Cover1W's picture

Good for you! Bottom line found! Sick to it and done. She's made her decision, now here's what happens next: you want to be and adult, then no more help. Out out damn spot!

Overit2018's picture

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I've been seething with anger ever since yesterday. Today I went into my husband's truck & her school paperwork (with registration, class information, etc) is just sitting in the backseat still. She never even brought it in. She NEVER called BM back yesterday after her little "nap" so I have a feeling BM will call her soon and she will brush her off again and make more excuses to get off the phone. No one brought it up again last night. Instead she just sat on the couch taking up my space and getting on my nerves. Like nothing ever happened. Totally clueless. It doesn't seem to bother anyone but ME.

And the kicker? This morning DH says "Well it's not that she ISNT going to school there, I think she just isn't sure about the same major as she originally wanted." Everyone is CLUELESS. If she plans to change her major, she needs to be doing everything necessary to get things moving NOW. She can't just sit here for another 3 months and then decide oh yeah--I need to take another class and fill out paperwork to register with a new major. So nothing happens, and it's business as usual. I'd really f'n love a definitive answer as to what the hell this girl is doing because right now, it's still the status quo. She works, comes home, takes up my space, makes a mess, and annoys me. I don't feel like anything will ever change. She has GOT to decide what she plans to do and she has GOT to do it soon.

Overit2018's picture

Also every time I bring this up to DH he brushes me off like I am trying to "rush things" when the whole point of the entire conversation we had together, he had with BM, and then BM had with her was for this damn open house where she was supposed to register. All of that and we're back to square one and he wonders why I am upset?? Am in some kind of weird parallel universe here?!??!!

sandye21's picture

As you have found, the real problem isn't SD as much as it is DH.  His problem is SD.  Now she doesn't know what she even wants.  He knows she needs to go,  He knows she is not pulling her weight around the house or in college, but he is shoving all of his parenting responsibilities onto you.  It's so much easier for DH to make you out to be the villain than putting his foot down.  So you are already the heavy.  Just remain so and don't budge.

It is a total waste of time to have a conversation with DH about SD at all.  Calmly but firmly tell DH that SD is leaving end of the semester because she reneged on her end of the bargain to be serious about college.  Then tell him there will be no compromises or further discussions about it.  She is leaving one way or the other at the end of the semester.  Period.  If he continues to not back you on this, I would seriously think about giving them both an eviction notice.

Overit2018's picture

Yep-you're completely right, as usual, he refuses to parent and so I carry the weight of forcing him to give SD some sort of direction or else I truly believe things would just be as they are forever. No one seems to care how *I* feel or how her being here affects me and my mental well-being. She will actually be 19 in another week as well, which means there's even LESS of an excuse to coddle her any longer. I don't care if SD hates me -- I just want her gone. Maybe I'm being impatient but the whole purpose of our long talk a month or so ago was for him to understand she needs to GO. This wishy-washy excuse making is infuriating me and stressing me out while those two just sit here ho-hum. It's actually insane to me that she was excited a week ago, and suddenly yesterday she could care less about school, and here we are yet again. So over it. 

She even told both of us she wasn't really happy right now and that she knew school would be the best thing for her, yet open house day comes and there's suddenly no drive to leave. I think she knows she has it too good here. Well, tough shit snowflake. Time to go.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

She wants to be a writer? GREAT. Writers can write anywhere - when they're not working full time to support themselves.

Some chicks need to be pushed out of the nest; some are self starters, while others need stern talks, warnings of dire poverty, and firm timelines. Have you and your H sat down with this young adult and laid out her choices? Have you asked your H what kind of future he'd like for his daughter?

Stand firm, OP. This skid is self sabotaging because she doesn't want to have to grow up and take responsibility for herself.

Overit2018's picture

This is precisely what's happening: Self-sabotaging so she doesn't have to "deal" with the real world and put in any kind of work. She'd rather sit here, use our washer & dryer and our home without having do a damn thing or pay one red cent. DH doesn't seem to have a clear vision for her future which is fine as long as SHE does and it doesn't involve living with us. And That's the problem. Originally she wanted to do this and that for her major and she was all pumped about transferring, and suddenly she's "not so sure" when it came time to sign the registration paperwork. How convenient. Her lack of decision making does not bode well for her. And again, I could care less if it didn't involve her being here. 

This morning I had a bit of meltdown and told DH how pissed off I was at her excuses and her indecisiveness. I told him flat out she now has two choices: Either register or go back home to mommy. He assures me that either way, she will be gone by August. He plans to talk to her tomorrow but knowing the two of them, I GUARANTEE it will all be semantics, excuses, and BS and nothing will change. That's fine. I told him if she's not registered and registered FOR A DORM by the time next semester rolls around, she can buy her ticket home.