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In need of some advice...

carrie38's picture

Hi everyone,

I'm new in posting on this forum and am hoping for some helpful non biased advice.

I have 2 bio children who are 17 and 13 and 3 step children ages 27, 25 and 22. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and married for 3 years.

Over the years we have had issues with my husbands son who is now 22. He has been using drugs since he was 13. He barely made it through highschool and has had a hard time holding a job. To this point I have tried to be understanding and compassionate letting him back into our home several times. My husband kicked him out 3 months ago due to smoking pot in our home, again. It was agreed he is welcome to visit but not to live with us again. My husband has paid his way for the last 6 months because he quit his job and has not attempted to find another one. He threw a party at the place he was renting and was asked to leave so....my husband said he was coming back here with an agreement it was 2-3 weeks and he would have to work around here everyday(we live on a farm). Now I find out he is going to be here for a few months and so far has not helped with chores, lays in bed and sleeps or watches TV and goes out with friends. I told my husband that this is unacceptable and am worried it will be a matter of time and he will have drugs back in our home. My husband is furious with me saying I'm going against the family and I'm a bitch for not making him feel welcome. He has threatened divorce and to be honest I'm not sure there is any other option right now.

I'm at the end of my rope and hate being the nasty step-mom but I have always believed in boundaries and making decisions as a couple and sticking to them.

Any one else ever had these issues??

3_steps_ahead's picture

I agree with CheriWilson that Dad is doing SS no favors and that your DH is just enabling bad behavior. This is a tough situation for sure since it seems as though as soon as you and your DH put your feet down with your SS and say that he can't live at your home anymore, your SS just stomps on your feet and your DH caves in. Now your SS "knows" that he can basically do whatever he wants since dad will never let him suffer the consequences of whatever poor decisions he makes.

I think that you and your DH MUST find a way to create a united front with your SS and stick to it otherwise your SS is probably just going to divide and conquer and walk all over you and your marriage. Since your SS is already there, I'd have a serious talk with DH and tell him that you both need to come up with solid expectations as to when SS will be moving out and what is expected from him while he is living in your home (helping with chores, not sleeping all day, looking for a job, etc.) After you and your DH come to an agreement, you should both have a sit down talk with SS and then stick to whatever was agreed no matter what.

Now, as for your DH threatening divorce, he should think about what his vows were and if he was serious when he agreed to "foresaking all others". He should realize that when you became married, you became one and he shouldn't be allowing anyone to cause a division in your marriage as it sounds like he is allowing your SS to do. One thing my DH has always said was that at the end of the day, the kids are all going to grow up and leave to lead their own lives and if he threw his marriage away just on what his adult daughters "wanted", then eventually he'd end up alone and for what? I think your DH really needs to think about everything carefully before he makes some bad decisions that he won't be able to take back.

Merry's picture

DH allows another adult to move into your home without discussing it with you first? Nice. Do you have a family member that can move in? Former roommate? Friend down on their luck? Tell your DH that they are moving in too. "Oh it's just for a short time and since you offered our home to SS without asking me, I assumed it would be fine."

That threatening divorce thing? Somebody does that to me, and I would show them what it would be like to be divorced. Stopped doing the things you do for him, stop sleeping in his bed, you get the picture.

All this would probably start WWIII. But dang he sounds like a selfish ass.