NEED advice on this one..its a biggie !!!!!!!!
Its been forever since I been on here and alot has changed, but I am going to sum this up as short as I can.
I have been in a relationship for 5 years with Bf who has 5 children and two live with us. The SD is 13 and SS just turned 18 this past November, and I have a BS who is 17 and not at the time living with us due to drug abuse and being incorrigible, I sought him help in a low commitment program through his probation.
Prior to my son being admitted put a HUGE strain on our relationship
because my son was off the wall, really made it hard for me to continue being here so me and my BF separated for like 5 months because of the issues that my son brought into the home, Not that it was a 100 percent ALL my son but it was at-least 80 of it.
Anyways, after my son was placed and I could now breath and not worry about burying him I could regroup myself back to me and put myself back together again " slowly."
Me and him started talking again and decided to give this a chance,we really love each other and the whole situation was heart breaking PERIOD!(mind you this took place 5 months after me leaving, so it had been sometime).
When we was separated his BD moved in, Shes the youngest out of the 5..she never really gave me any attitude( real bad) or major issues, all and all its been pretty good. She moved in with BD because her and mom do not get along, in fact it got physical( mom is off the wall anyways..not right mentally).
BM only concern is CP and the kids have no direction, no structure its a nightmare, in fact her one son who is 17 has been out robing handicapped elderly pple,and DOES not live with her and lied to the judge that he was when Bd and BM went to court, we cant prove it though, but I am just giving a idea of what SD conditions of living were so you kinda get the picture.
OK..here it is: I call her my Sd because I have known her since she was 8, I treat her like my own, I am all up in her biz without her knowing trying to stay 10 steps ahead because of what I went through with my own son, and I didnt know any better because he has been my one and only I ever had,
BUT because its been a lesson anything I am finding out about SD is compliments from my son with teaching me experience 
SD did NOT click out of her myspace,she went to bed and like I use to do with my son if it was still logged in I went on their page and read mail and so forth, ONLY way to know what is really going on is from the horses mouth its self!
OMG!! I think SD is BI, she has this little friend that comes over or she goes there, and they both said in a E sent to each other that they should F***( mind you in the E little friend said..we are dating right there was alot of I love you and miss you and all the things a girl would SAY TO A BOY). Then the little friend proceeds to talk about how she was high and drunk going into school and skipping school, and BF and me read some letters in Sd room one day that gave a little inclination to this girl to girl thing and SD mentioned getting a dime bag on the way when she goes to grandmas house and meeting up with little friend.Sd does not know we found the letters, we wasnt sure about the Bi thing but we kept our eyes open for the weed thing as we found our sandwich baggies in Sd room and she told BF that her and little friend were just separating up their candy!! ( I didnt buy it,as my son was a pro with those dang baggies), But BF did buy candy that night so he was cynical but that was it.
HOW the hell do we approach this? How do we do this without her knowing we violated her privacy?My thing is her and I get along, she trusts me and I dont want to break that..but at the same time I have a important role I have to fulfill. I showed BF the E-mail and he was speechless, and I told him I think they already did something, he said he thinks they did to.
ANY advice on how to handle this or approach this PLEASE PLEASE write me, I appreciate it.
I am so sorry about your
I am so sorry about your situation. I don't have any advice to offer. Just wanted to let you know that I commend you on putting your hard earned lessons to good use and hopefully making a difference in the future of SD's life.
Well thank you..I know its a
Well thank you..I know its a real doozie!
Now a days in the teenage world its common,its a different era then maybe yours and mine, I just dont know how to approach this.
I am by no means judgmental, and I feel sexual preference is a adult decision made as a adult, but then again you hear story's of people saying " well I know I was bi or gay when I was a kid."
But how do you know at 13? I mean your body is going through changes, Is it maybe curiosity?I been battling this out in my head when I read her e-mail tonight,And she asked me like 2 weeks ago if I thought 2 girls together was gay or bi, and I said to her without thinking..Gay, because straight to me is just that "Straight."
and it crossed my mind as to WHY she may have asked me but I let it go, and I didnt think nothing about her and her little friend either.
Maybe I need to seek her counseling? I just dont know!!!
" Life is like a jar or Jalapeno peppers, what you
do today could burn your a*s tomorrow."
" Life is like a jar or
" Life is like a jar or Jalapeno peppers, what you
do today could burn your a*s tomorrow."
ANYONE ELSE have advice????
ANYONE ELSE have advice????
" Life is like a jar or Jalapeno peppers, what you
do today could burn your a*s tomorrow."
Cruella, I totally agree
Cruella, I totally agree with you.
SD is only 6 and BS is 2, but DH and I have talked about it and we BOTH AGREE that (in the future) their phones, computers, etc... are not really "theirs" until they can pay for it and live by themselves, until then, We have All the right in the world to check them whenever we feel like it and get passwords whenever requested. Those are privileges, NOT rights. Kids have the right to feel protected, be fed properly, get an education and some privacy (while in the bathroom, sleeping) but other than that, everything else should be hard earned and could easily be taken away.
Sincerely,
G
"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"
Uh - she is doing things
Uh - she is doing things that are possibly illegal and you're worried about her reaction to violating HER privacy. When the hell did kids get put in charge our homes. Does she pay internet? Does she pay mortgage? Is is HER computer that she paid for? He who pays the bills, makes the rules. PERIOD. She lost the right to privacy when she lied about the baggies and I would tell her that. Liars aren't afforded privacy in my home.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
It sounds like you need to
It sounds like you need to just sit her down and say look we know that you are experimenting with drugs and drinking, it doesn't matter how we know, but we do. Maybe some set some rules and limitations, as well as possibly have her checked for drugs? don't they sell those tests you can do at home now? If she is + then total restriction, has to earn any privileges back. As for the Bi issue...we had this same situation in our family with my youngest sister, our Mom did not handle it well and went off the deep end, but it did not stop her from her "girlfriend". It's no different than her having a bad influence boyfriend, a lot of supervison of the relationship. Do you think little friends parents know about the drinking and drug use? maybe bringing them in the picture too so they can monitor little friend as well. You always hint that you "suspect" that it is going versus just accusing little friend and SD? I don't know about bringing up the sexuality thing with little friend, that would have to be handled delicately. I think the biggest issue is the possible drinking and gonjah use.
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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young
The baggies aren't a big
The baggies aren't a big secret. You could tell her that you know from past experience with your son that those are used for drug cutting. And that you are really concerned that she is going down the same path. Sit down with her, and tell her flat out that you don't want to see her in the same position as Bioson. That he broke your heart, and that you really want better for her. I think if you put it that way, instead of it seeming like you are attacking her and making it seem like you are tying to make her life hell, then she will seem less liely to resist and more likely to listen.
You could tell her that you got an annonymous email, or that a teacher, or another parent told you that they saw her and this girl kissing or doing something that they weren't supposed to. Don't make it seem like you were violating her privacy. Just put it on her. I really wouldn't let on that you violated her privacy, because once the trust is gone, you really can't get it back.
And if you let on that you violated her privacy, then she will just be more careful on protecting it next time, by making sure that she deletes those emails, or not sending them. Making sure that she logs off. Then you won't be able to check on what she is doing.
for everyone that commented
for everyone that commented on this thank you!!!
For Boottuff, I deal with the weed issue, thats already been out and in the open, As my son has been in rehab since last December for drug abuse( my only bio),I have already been through the ringer and was and am ten steps ahead of SD with that issue, It wasn't me that wasn't believing the issue, it was her father, but the concern here was the e-mail I found,
her and her little friend wrote about F******, she is 13 and interested in girls, that was my concern and my issue at this time, as I found all this out last night after Sd did not log out of computer!
My position was how to aproach her, only because we get along good and I did not want to destroy a trust issue but yet she IS 13 and like everyone said..there is no privacey when we pay the bills.
Her father and I talked and he is requesting her pass word when she gets home from school, will look through her e-mail as if he did not know anything yet, when he comes across it he is going to tell her that we need to talk.
Previously he already told her he would be checking her myspace..I just think she didnt believe he would follow through, and he prolly wouldnt have if I was not right on top of everything with her, and told him and let him see for himself whats going on.
As for little friend, in the e-mail little friend said dad knew she was smoking but when her SM caught her dad there acted like he knew nothing and backed SM, so now little friend mentioned how she is thinking about going back to live with BM.
SD WILL not be permitted to talk to little friend,tex little friend,or call little friend. SD is no longer aloud to erase any tex sent from my phone or dads phone and will only be permitted to use it in front of us. Once I tell little friend she is no longer aloud to tex or call or come over and hang out with SD and does not listen then BD will press charges for harassment.
I understand that sometimes in life these situations happen, but at 13 I feel it becomes our situation as well.I will keep you posted as to how it all goes over!
" Life is like a jar or Jalapeno peppers, what you
do today could burn your a*s tomorrow."