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My new policy exclusion

Newimprvmodel's picture

My daughter is in her first year at a large university three thousand miles away. Why? Mostly because her father's girlfriend of 6 years lives in that state. And he has big bucks and is there quite often. I was not happy about her choice, but I embraced it because I felt it would be pointless to fight them on it.
So, this summer she insists on having all her things we order for the dorm sent to g's house, two hours away from the college. I fly out in August with my daughter for move in day. Of course g is there with the stuff and her kids. They stay the afternoon, much to my chagrin. They go with us to Target, and this woman practically takes over, telling my daughter what to buy. They go back to the dorm room, and g insists on making a list of what my daughter needs, where to put things. I get very quiet because I am fuming this woman literally is taking over. She gets the message and goes home.
Of course since then my daughter has spent a few weekends at g's house, along with her father.
I fly out a few days ago with my mother for parents weekend. We do spend some time with my daughter and even her roommate. I offer to fly her home for Columbus weekend, she was going to G's house for the 4 days. Last night was the big football game. I end up having an extra ticket and daughter says she wants to sit in student section, not with us. I am insulted, but say nothing. G contacts my daughter earlier in week and asks to meet us for lunch day of game. I agree, we meet her and her kids, and all is fine. Of course she says something which irks me, "how wonderful it is to have my daughter so close to her".
We leave the restaurant and I begging to say goodbye to G. She appears surprised and says that she thought we were all walking around for the afternoon before game. I say no, we are doing things with my daughter, like stock her up at supermarket, which we do.
Get back to my daughter's dorm room, and she shows me a text from her father, my ex.
Stunned to see him say that g feels blown off, because of the afternoon and now my daughter coming home for Columbus weekend(!!)
"You need to make amends to her and better choices!"
I think to myself so she contacted my ex and is putting my daughter in the middle.
I tell my daughter to ignore text, she doesn't and when my mom and I go back to hotel to change, I drop her off at tailgating with g!
My mother and I get to game, finally after an hour I text my daughter. She is sitting with G! I tell her that I am upset over this. She bursts into tears telling me she is trying to spend time with both of us. I tell her g is not her
mother or stepmother and that I am angry at both her father and g for placing her in the middle.
She goes back, presumably to student section, not to be seen again
Of course g posts a picture of her kids along with my daughter at the game. We are all Facebook friends. Predictable right?
We fly home in an hour. Will stop at daughters dorm for quick goodbye.
I will never engage with this woman again.
Any advice? I do feel my daughter should have told her father off, but he is boss. I feel really angry with him.
And pain that my daughter is placed in middle.

Maxwell09's picture

I think it's you. I think you are overly sensitive and jealous the girlfriend has a "bestfriend" relationship with your daughter. Just because you are her mother doesn't mean your daughter isn't allowed to hang out with her dad's girlfriend. You would have let it go if it were her roommate and chalked it up to your daughter's fault for not penciling you in. It's normal for Moms to get this was when their kids go off to college and Mom is no longer an everyday fixture in their life, all Moms go through that, even my own mom; however, don't blame the Dad's girlfriend. From what you've written, you've taken the girlfriend's help too personally.

Disneyfan's picture

You are a saint. There's no way in hell I would have paid for stuff and had it delivered to the GF's house. I would have told her to get lost on move in day.

I would make it clear to daughter that you do not want the GF around when you are there. The woman lives in the area. I'm sure the two of them spend plenty of time together when you are not around. There's no reason for the nut intrude when you visit your daughter.

Hopefully the GF's ex will marry a woman just like her.

Maxwell09's picture

I do think the mom should have told the daughter she wanted one-on-one time with her daughter. She can't not say anything then be mad when things don't work out the way she pictured. She needs to communicate better to her daughter.

Disneyfan's picture

But the thing is, the OP should not have had to say it.

Every parent who has a kid away at college expects to spend alone with their kid and time with their roommates/ new friends. No parent expects to have their ex's new GF/BF and their herd of kids tagging along.

Maxwell09's picture

You might think she shouldn't have to say it but she obviously has to so her daughter doesn't try to please everyone by inviting everyone. Her daughter didn't understand it was suppose to be one-on-one time with her mom. Maybe her daughter is dense. Why do people naturally assume the stepmom needs to be responsible for not hurting BM's feelings? She doesn't have a kid in college, she's not used to BM being around "to set boundaries" but she is used to being around the daughter because they hang out.

Maxwell09's picture

I do think the email from dad was much but that's what happens when communication is crap. The mom should have been clear that she didn't want the girlfriend to be there to her daughter. Her daughter should have told her dad and his girlfriend she was spending the day with just her mom and they could hang out at another time. i mever said the stepmom was completely in the right, but these people (BM, DH, Dad's girlfriend) are all getting upset with one another because they aren't communicating their expectations with one another. The BM needs to speak up for her boundaries instead of letting girlfriend do what she's used to doing when BMs not there and getting her feelings are hurt.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I think the girlfriend is jealous of the mother. OP stay away from the GF and tell daughter you wish to visit with her alone from now on.

This woman is NOT married to your ex. Her intense behavior is uncalled for..... And, if she goes to graduate school, get her closer to you, lol.

Disneyfan's picture

Let's not pretend SM is stupid. What SM WANTS to hang out BM? The SM lives near the campus. I'm sure she spends plenty of time with the girl.

To intrude during mom and grandma's visit was a passive-aggressive bitch ass move to piss the OP off. There's no way in the world that woman thought the OP and her mom wanted to hang out with her and her kids.

Clearly the GF and the OP's daughter have a great relationship. There's no need for the game playing.

Maxwell09's picture

It is clear the Daughter bad Girlfriend have a great relationship so how do we know the daughter didn't invite her too? Maybe the op should ask her daughter. I know you're all assuming I'm responding as a stepmom but really I'm responding as I was as a college student. I would have done as her daughter had done and just invited everyone to help move in to get it done all in one swoop instead of having to do it once with mom and then again with girlfriend. To me moving into my dorm was not a big deal and I didn't understand why my parents made such a big deal about it. I can also understand the daughter going to speak to her mom and then going to speak to her dad's gf and family getting a quick picture then going back and hanging out with my friends in the student section. I actually do think both the Op and the Stepmom took the situations too personally. It's about the girl moving into college life and each of these parents are making it about themselves when no one is outwardly saying "let's do this, but not with them" "let's have lunch but after you do that".

notsobad's picture

I'm really not sure how you should deal with it.

I'm pretty close to my SD but her Mother doesn't know that.
We just got a pedicure together and she asked me not to put it on Instagram (I'd taken a picture of our toes to send to DH, not to post on social media) She was open and said "it upsets my Mom when we do things together that she wishes she could be here to do with me." I assured her I understood and that I don't want to make her Mom feel left out..

I don't like BM but I see no reason to purposely upset her or rub in her face the relationship that SD and I have.

I find BM to be very insecure and jealous but that's not how SD sees her. She's her Mom and she loves her, SD would choose her Mom over me if pushed and so she should. I'm not going to be the one doing the pushing.

I guess my only advice is to have a heart to heart with your daughter. Tell her you love her and it's ok for her to have a relationship with the GF but that you would like to feel that you come first in her life. That is something your exH needs to understand too.

notarelative's picture

Where was the dad this weekend?
Was he at move in? Was he at the game?

It was parents weekend, if dad wasn't there the girlfriend should have stayed away.

Girlfriend lives close. College kid can visit her any weekend. No reason for girlfriend to be at parents weekend without the dad if mom and grandmom were there.

AlreadyGone's picture

Actually, I can see where the daughter has been put in the middle by everyone involved. It seems to me, that she's really trying to make everyone happy to the best of her ability, and struggling with that obvious failure. Not a good note to start college on. I understand your inner mamma bear coming out, but I think you pushed a little too far. Sorry, no offense intended. Did GF overstep? Yeah a little. Was it meant to undermine you as the mother? I don't think so. Though I can see how it may have seemed that way to you.

Your daughter needed things for her dorm room and GF was decent enough to allow use of her address (since she is closer in proximity.) I don't see that as a power play. I see it as her doing something nice. Why look for ulterior motives? Why not just be grateful for the offering. Listen, you don't have to love this woman but, you should treat her respectfully, so long as she's doing the same for you. Nothing that you've written here, says differently. Perhaps her desire to 'help out' was her way of taking some of the tiresome burden off of you. Giving you more time to spend with your daughter.

Sounds like there were some hurt feelings going around for all of you. Why not focus on the positive side.... your daughter can have a village to rely on, which makes it better for her, doesn't it? This is a big step for her. Already stressful enough, why make it harder? JMHO.

Smile

AlreadyGone's picture

That damn 'would be' SM, holding a gun to her man's head, and making him force his D to go to college near her! OMG! Let's waterboard her until she agrees to go away! }:)

Seriously! Is there ever a point in time where the step parent ISN'T to blame in your narrow minded little play book????? Pfftt!

AlreadyGone's picture

Why? Because she's being nice and welcoming? What a suspicious little mind you have. LMAO! Ya know, they have meds for that now. Dirol

AlreadyGone's picture

So now it's the daughters fault for not excluding one over the other? Is that your point? Is that what her role is to be? Because that IS putting her in the middle of ridiculous drama that shouldn't even exist. Why shouldn't she expect that her parents act like grown-ups, instead of over-possessive children, who don't want to share their toys? Good grief!

I'm a SD too. Clearly a successful one, since I have great relationships with both of my SP's. My BF passed some time ago, and I still have a wonderful relationship with my SM. How did that happen???? Because my parents put their children's needs above their own resentments, expectations, and insecurities. That's what being a parent is. It's unfortunate that so many people suffer in Step-Hell. So much so, that we have sites like this to prove it.

But, yeah.... that little snot. How dare she! :O

AlreadyGone's picture

WOW. My original comment didn't come from MY personal experience. It was directed at the information BM provided in her post. You brought up your experience as a SD and I merely countered it. Nothing Hari Krishna about that. As a matter of fact, most would see that all this hate and drama are the direct result of bio-parent issues, and not kid issues. If DD lacks consideration, she got that ideal from someone.... and it wasn't 'would-be' SM.

What do I know. Nothin.' Dirol

CANYOUHELP's picture

Ask them to name ONE thing you are jealous of...see how easy that is for them, LOL.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Oh I am sorry!! She did not refer to my daughter as hers. What she said at restaurant was
" it is wonderful that S is so close now."
Look.....my daughter is conveniently in that state solely because her father visits gf there often.
Yet I willingly pay half the college and all airfare, expenses. Yes ex does pay child support.
And I did welcome gf and her kids for lunch. Paying for everyone.
I am angry because clearly gf got on phone after lunch to complain that we left her hanging. Really. She goes to all these games with her kids. She did not attend just to hang with us.
Also.....how dare she complain that my daughter is "blowing her off" Columbus weekend because I am paying to fly her home? Really? What nerve? And btw she pays nothing for my daughter. Nothing.
Of course she had to text me this morning saying how nice it was to see me. Yeah right.
And the game itself. Huge stadium. We are sitting in separate sections. Gf and I ended up each having an extra ticket. How would anyone want their child to sit with ex husband's gf who lives nearby while I sit alone at college game that I have traveled 3k miles? !!
I do think this chick should have told my daughter. Hey. It is ok.....go sit with your family. Terrible thing she set in motion.

AlreadyGone's picture

Do you know that those were her exact words to your xH? Maybe he put his own slant on it. The text to you from her, seems out of place after the text from your xH.

If your DD is an adult I would think she could decide where she wants to sit. How is this the GF's fault? Again, no offense intended but, in this scenario you expect her to tell your DD what to do. What if she told your DD what to do in some other situation... would you slam her for instructing your DD then too? See, sometimes it's all about perspective. I think you were hurt, and you're looking for a convenient scapegoat. No judgement, it happens mamma bear, lol. Smile

Newimprvmodel's picture

I saw the text from ex to our daughter. Her whole mood changed after that. Her father is very controlling and she tries so hard to please him. She expressed her frustration with him to me.

AlreadyGone's picture

Yes, you saw the text from EX to DD. That doesn't mean that's how it was put to HIM by GF. That's all I'm trying to point out. Either way, the ADULT parental units are the ones putting DD in the middle. Once you calm down, maybe you will see it more clearly. Wink

AlreadyGone's picture

Your DD needs to learn to stand up to her dad. You don't need to be in the middle of that. Your job is to supply an impartial ear but, refrain from any judgments about their relationship. Letting her know that she should voice her concerns directly to him, puts it back in your DD's hands. You can be there for her w/o getting involved.

If he's that controlling, perhaps GF is being pushed to go above and beyond. Should she stand up to him? Yep, but, not your problem, and still not her fault. Dirol

Disneyfan's picture

My son has a great relationship with his dad, SM and I. He has a great relationship with all of us because we each understood our "roles". His SM NEVER tried to do the mom thing when I was around.

She never intruded or triedit to make my son and I feel uncomfortable. We had no problem going out to lunch together after my son's high school graduation. After his college graduation she hung out with my mom laughing and talking until it was time to go to dinner.

My son went to college in VA. They live in NC we live in NYC. They visited him on campus more than I did because they were closer. Even though his SM and I get along just fine, she would have never done any of the crap the OP posted about.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I will be back here in November week before thanksgiving . Btw. Daughter is going with her father to gf's home for thanksgiving. I had no problem with any of this.
I can tell you that the welcome mat for ex's gf will be pulled. Period.

Newimprvmodel's picture

So we just left daughter. Had a nice breakfast with her. No mention of last night.
But I may have a conversation with ex. He has it coming.

notsobad's picture

Don't.
Just leave it. Your daughter is grown, anything you expect of her, talk to her about it. Whatever relationship she has with her Dad is between them. If she doesn't like something he's said to her it's up to her to deal with it.
Let her be a grown up.
Ignore the ex.

notsobad's picture

I disagree with telling the exH that.
The daughter yes, but there is no reason for her to remind her ex that she's paying for school and her rights trump his girlfriends.

The daughter is an adult, the exH didn't text the OP, he texted his daughter and OP saw it. She really has no business butting in on their relationship.
The daughter and Dad can and should figure it out but BM has no place there.

Disneyfan's picture

Don't say anything to your ex. Talk to your daughter. If the GF pulls this crap again, check her. Keep your ex out of it.

AlreadyGone's picture

Still loving how the GF is the problem here. That's all, I'm outta here. Better things to do. My Step-Hell ended a long time ago! Many of you remind me why. LMFAO. Later people! Dirol

Thumper's picture

Your daughter saw the $$$$$$$$$ trail, took the bait, but did not put it together it would be also used as a weapon.

She is stuck until she grows up a little and find her own voice. She needs to stop accepting their offers.

The GF totally over stepped and your ex sounds like he is high school boyfriend drooling over everything she does and HE expects your daughter to , too.

I would tell my ex off if his wife acted like your ex "GF".

oneoffour's picture

OK this is my take.

EX is a controlling man. He suggested his GFs state for school. HE probably went on and on about it. How it would be great to have someone close by to be there if she needs someone (albeit 2 hrs away) and Dear Old Dad would be seeing her more. Etc...

So to shut her father up and trying to keep the peace she chose this college. Now GF is helping her out. However when your mother and grandmother fly 3000 miles to visit normally means GF takes a backseat. Sadly your daughter seems to want to keep everyone happy including her dad.

I think your daughter should talk to GF. She should tell her how much she appreciates her help but she misses her mother and grandmother and wants to see them alone from time to time especially when they visit. And daughter would appreciate it if this is between the two of them and not include her father in the mix. And maybe she should stand up to her father and tell him she needs space when you are in town. But this is something only your daughter can do.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Your take is spot on.
However my daughter is very controlled by my ex. She got told in a text to " make amends" to her father's gf and she dropped us like a hot potato and did exactly what he ordered. However I can't sit back and not say anything about it. My daughter needs to figure this out, and I will not be cruel about it.
My mother is insisting that I call my ex and tell him that his behavior is inappropriate.
I am NOT comfortable going there. Why? Because he doesn't give a s$&@ what I think. What I WILL do is to set boundaries with this gf and my ex.
When I visit in November, there will be no lunches with the gf.

Newimprvmodel's picture

More info. Ok...ready? My daughter is actually attending the gf's alma mater! And a state school to boot! And my ex made a stipulation that our children were to attend OUR state colleges only, which the several oldest attended.....before he started an affair with this gf!
Does that change things a bit? How many of you would pay for your child to attend another state college 3000 miles away that is your ex gf's alma mater? I did, without a peep.
I agreed to lunch, without a peep.

My ex is an attorney who is used to getting his own way.
When we first got divorced, and oldest son had his bar mitzvah, I was incensed with the child's speech. Which my ex totally wrote because he is so controlling. My son actually had to say to the whole congregation:
"Thank you c, for making my father so happy."
C was his live in girlfriend at the time and did not lift one finger.
I drove all 4 kids to and from Hebrew school, of course my ex never did.
I even called the rabbi, who refused to discuss this.

I feel the bottom line I needed to address this with my daughter, because her father will continue to bully her, and some will be to hurt me and marginalize me. I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone, certainly not my own daughter, if this is to continue.
Daughter needs to grow up at 19. I actually myself had a very controlling mother, who I was able to finally navigate.

Miss T's picture

You are likely dealing with PAS. My children were victimized by this. At the time I didn't know what was going on, and there seemed not to be much I could do about it. You may still have time, and you certainly have access to information, to get ahead of the adults' games. Read up and get busy with whatever practical steps you can take, because from the sound of it you've got your work cut out for you.

Acratopotes's picture

OH I'm just too evil - I really see no problem with this.....

Believe me let DD and G have their fun, blood is thicker then water, I would encourage G to buy every thing for DD ...
It's not going to last lol - and DD will always come back to you.....

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I went through something a little bit similar with my girls' stepmom.

It was the first day of school EVER for my youngest. She didn't go to daycare. It was kind of a parenting moment I had dreamed of. And stepmom shows up at the school and kinda of completely took over. She was holding my daughter's hand and sitting her in her desk and my daughter was clinging to her leg and she was asking the teacher all the questions and I felt stepped on and the day I had dreamed of felt ruined.

The first day of college is also built in my mind. I too imagine going to Target and helping my daughter decorate her dorm room on that first day.

Miss T's picture

I'm sorry, but it is not necessarily true that "DD will always come back to you." If the other adults in her life are determined to f#ck with you, they can do so very successfully by manipulating your children in certain ways. Your ex sounds like a piece of work, with skills and an enabling girlfriend to go along with his rage-addled behavior. PAS is not a joke, or some made-up psychological syndrome. You stand to lose your children emotionally or physically or both. You really need to be careful here.

And incidentally, it is NOT about the children. PAS'ers don't actually care about the children, or they would not behave as they do. The example of your ex's writing, or encouraging, or permitting, that speech for the boy's Bar Mitzvah--ugh, please. This man is not at all interested in the welfare of his children or he would not behave this way. He interested in turning the knife in your back. Your children are merely collateral damage.

Once again: take steps, yesterday.