You are in the wrong group if you're looking for support as a step-child. There are very few in this forum who have good experiences with their steps. Best of luck finding the proper forum.

"My dad has told me that she hates all three of his daughters." Not very supportive of his wife, is he? How much responsibility do you think your Dad should be taking for all of this? It sounds as if there is more going on here. I'd love to know your SM's side.

Is there a reason your father can not or does not answer the phone himself?

I would think (unless he is disabled) that if he desires to speak, he could answer the phone. Does he have a cell phone or is it solely a land line in his home.

Life is too short to fight with the SM. This post reminds me of a Dr Phil I just saw the other night at 3am in the morning. The daughter was 19yrs old, the soon-to-be SM was 24 and Dad was 53. They had known each other a year, the Sm had two small children currently and Dad had gotten a reversal so he could try for a baby with his soon to be new wife. It was to be the third marriage for the girl's father.

Bottomline, it is your father's life to live. If this woman makes him happy, even for a little while, it's his choice to make. So what if he hates hot weather? He knew that when he packed his bagged and moved 5000 miles away. Obviously he wanted to go live there. If he really becomes unhappy or can not handle to heat, he will move back to where it is cooler.

We can't live our parents lives for them and we, as adult children can not make decisions for them. Just like parents have to stand back and let *us* adult children make our own mistakes and/or make or break our own way, we must allow our parents the same privilege.

If your father lives happily for five or ten ears with his new bride, great. If he is happy, as his adult daughter you really have no cause to tell him he is not.

You're unhappy with such little contact with your father. But it sounds as if you've been trying to convince him he has made or is making a mistake and his wife is all wrong for him. Why not just stand back and let Dad worry about Dad and Dad's marriage. It will either work and he'll be happy or it won't and he'll once again learn to start over again.

If I were you, I would wonder why your dad feels the need to tell you that his wife doesn't like you. That seems like a weird thing to tell you and seems like he may be playing games with you. Just remember, dads are not the stereotypical innocents who are just snookered by mean, gold-digger second wives. Dads are adults who can make their own decisions. If I were you, I would focus on how your dad is not being a good father to you, instead of focusing all of your anger on his wife. You know what your dad has told you about his wife, but you don't know the truth.

i would also be interested in finding out the side of the sm. the issues appears to be more than face value than evil step mother.

you have a right to miss your father, but as others have stated, he has made his choices.

Booboobear, why do you keep posting here? What are you looking for? Sounds like you have an axe to grind and are hoping to do it here at Steptalk, a place where stepparents come to vent, for some reason.

Maybe you do really have an Evil SM. Certainly that can happen. But, I'm also troubled by a couple of your comments, "My dad has told me that she hates all three of his daughters." Also, . . . "but she talked him into canceling his prenup to leave everything to her." For some reason this doesn't ring true. What would be your father's motivation for telling you she hates all three of this daughters? And, SMs are able to talk and discuss things with their husbands just like anyone else, but, again, just like anyone else, SMs can't force their husband to do anything he doesn't agree to.

You say your SM is around 60 and your dad is around 80. I don't know. Dad could be out of it due to aging and dementia or Alzheimer's, but if this is the case, he could also be exaggerating the plight he is in. And, I know. Right now I'm having to take of my 90 year old dad with Alzheimer's. Not an easy task. He keeps accusing both me and my mom (his wife of over 60 years) of stealing from him, among other things. None of which are true. He has also gotten on the phone and told my siblings this. Fortunately, we all understand, but if I were a SM taking care of my husband vs. an adult child taking care of my dad, you better believe my actions would be taken quite differently!

Be careful here. It seems like you have an axe to grind and may be in denial about more than a couple of things. I get that you love your dad and feel like he is somehow slipping away from you and seems ill, and of course you are concerned. On the other hand, it also seems like you are creating some type of scenario in your own mind that may or may not be true. I'd suggest seeing a counselor and working this out with her vs. coming here.

Besides all the drama going on here, the bottom line is you miss your Dad. Your stepmom hangs up on your calls. As your Dad is aged, why don't you go out to see him? 5000 miles? What is preventing you from getting on a plane and going out to see him? Or even calling the police to do a welfare check? This may ease your mind.

I am not going to try to give you advice or be mean. I had two SM's and they were both like you are describing your SM. I could not stop to see my Dad, they would lock the door, they would hang up on me, and they would throw me off the property if I showed up. My brother caught a ride with a friend one day, he was on crutches and couldn't drive. His friend dropped him off to visit our Dad and then drove away. SM wouldn't let him in the house and he had no ride to leave.

With all of this said, I don't know the reasons my SM's were like this, except jealousy of my Dad's past. So I NEVER pushed it, in any way. I did not call, I did not stop by, and I never went behind my SM's back to meet my Dad. My brother never went back either or called. My Dad had made it clear that he chose these women as his wife; they were priority in his life. He was married to SM1 for 13 years and SM2 for 15 years, after my Mom divorced him, after 23 years of marriage. Bottom line, my Dad was happy with his choices. I wanted him to be happy, so I let it go and went on with my own life. My Dad is now 101 years young, lives in his own home, and I travel 70 miles round trip, once a week to do his household chores and shop for him. We are blessed that he has good health and is easy to care for, with help of family and friends, where he lives. He is broke, because of three marriages, and doesn't complain one day.

My opinion: I never interfered and my Dad loves and respects me for that. I now see him once a week, we go out to lunch, and I enjoy his company. I am caring for him, as nobody else, including my brother will do so. I think for you to go forward with your life and let your Dad lead his, is your only choice at this point. I used to go years and not even know how my Dad was doing; but I did not interfere.

I now leave my DH and SD to their own relationship. I am not involved with it in any way. My SD hates me (jealousy), but I cannot control that; therefore, I handle it just as I did with my Father. I leave it alone and stay disengaged from my SD56. I care for my DH (he's disabled), SD doesn't even ask how's he doing; she comes by to see him for 15 minutes, about once a month; she makes nasty remarks to me and acts like the "Queen Bee". I ignore her and have NEVER had words with her and I will never lower myself to fight the battle, just as I never battled with my SM's.

Your Dad doesn't make it any easier, telling you what your SM says or feels. That should not be something he talks to you about, rather to his wife. I never knew if my Dad had a problem in his marriages; he never betrayed his wives.

Good Luck

Unfortunately sometimes the people we love and care about are shown to be far from perfect. Your dad has shown that to be the case. He will live the consequences of his decision and sadly there is likely not much you will be able to do about it. In fact.... I suggest that you should do nothing about it if he does not extricate his head from his ass first and reverse the idiot financial and estate decisions he has made. I have for years been zeroing in on the importance of behaviors and decisions and holding individuals accountable for their behavior and decisions rather than forgiving and mitigating his idiot decisions even your father should feel the pain of his poor choices. Maybe he will learn something.

Ceteris peribus your SM is reprehensible and though I am a StepDad I do not immediately rush to defend SParents and shred SKids. I take what is presented in a post and comment on that. Since that is the information we have to go with that is what I address in my comments. I hope your dad will come to clarity on his poor choice of a mate in your SM.

I understand that you miss your dad. As would I in that situation. However, don't be a martyr to your dad's poor decisions. Take care of you.

This is a community for people who are in step families. You qualify. Thanks for bringing your struggle here to share.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck.

As a quick action to take... call the authorities and ask for them do to an elder health check to your dad's home. At least then you will know if he is okay and his living conditions are adequate. That will also maybe start to inject some intelligence into your dad's thought processes if his daughter is that worried about him. Again.... good luck.

what country OR state are they in now?

Rags made the same point that I was going to. Call authorities in the town they life in and ask for a elder check.

This coming week you can contact a lawyer in your area and ask what IF anything you can do to protect your dad.

Now, IF your dad is competent there is nothing you can do. As much as you do not like what is going on there again IF he is competent, he is allowing it to happen.

At the least since you think his wife if hanging up the phone, get that welfare check to determine IF he is well or not.

The distance, hangups and non communication may not be all the wife's doing. Some parents get to a point where they get sick of their kids. Maybe the guy just wants some peace from all of his daughters meddling in his life. Remember when we were teens and our parents were annoying? Well guess what, sometimes parents think their kids are annoying too. I'd be livid if my kids tried to interfere in my relationships and tell me how to live my life. A SM is always an easy scapegoat but what does your father really want? Does he really want to be mothered by his 3 adult daughters or does he want a peaceful marriage?

I wouldn't mind a vacation from all of my children, their attitudes, needs and dramas. Sometimes parents need a break too.

The S.S. qualification is correct on 10 years of marriage if divorced. Your SM claiming spousal rights after 10 years does not affect your dad's ability to collect the "full" SS distribution upon full retirement. If SS is the only issue SM is so worried about and nothing more don't fret. If it's property, investments, ect. per pre-nup then I can see why you'd be concerned. I'm a SM with SD issues, but I'm the "wealthy" one, not the DH. My assets are in trust so that is is safe from any gold-digging step claws. I have a greedy, manipulative SD so I've taken precautions. Her BM is the same and my "trust" meter is popping red flags as they have milked my DH for everything they could.

On my ex - I watched gold-diggers go after my ex, who was flaunting his lavish lifestyle to puff up his broken ego, when we were divorced. I watched him put his own BD above these money-grabbers. Today, he is flat broke and working two menial jobs (he was blackballed from the industry he was working in and making six figures). He has lost every asset (including the 900,000 home I left him with to keep the divorce from dragging out) and he does not have any relationship with his BD now because of the poor decisions he made. I did not alienate him from his BD...he did this on his own. TRUTH ALWAYS SURFACES...give it time.

I feel empathy for your situation and I understand you wanting to look out for your father, but let it go. And I agree that you are going to have SMs on this site that have not experienced your situation so they will see the situation more in favor of the SM. Your SM will only use your efforts as a "meddling" excuse. My BD tried to do this with her BF. She saw right through the issues, but his eyes were blind and his ego was inflated. He's lost everything now...including his relationship to his BD who has completely lost respect for him. He chose to be with a gold-digger (who did not have any children of her own) who left him once things got rough and money got tight. I hope that someday my BD and ex rekindle their relationship, but ex is afraid to face his own BD because of his actions.

You may not be able to do a damn thing so make peace with it. It is your father's choice. He chose to be in this relationship and it is between him and your SM albeit he may well be blinded by your SM. I find it interesting that she is 30 years younger and so concerned about SS. Also the wishy washiness with the pre-nup. If you're lucky, she'll move on when she gets what she wants. If that is the case, take care of you BF. People make mistakes.

Beyond his age.. is your father incapacitated that you know of? You say she hangs up on you and your sisters... but is there a valid reason why HE can't pick up the phone and try to call one of you too?

If your truly believe that he may be mentally impaired and that she may be financially taking advantage of him, perhaps it's time for one of you three girls to go see him in person to gauge his condition.

I know of one case where there was an employee of a parent that was apparently stealing the parent blind while all the while obstructing contact with out of town children. It didn't turn out well in the end as there was nothing left. Apparently the kids didn't realize how much their parent had slipped and the employee had a vested interest in keeping that hidden.

If you are concerned about the state of your father, I think someone needs to do something like have a visit in person.

BB, you keep stressing that the point of your post is that you miss your dad. If you know for a fact that those disconnected calls are due to your SM hanging up, WHY not ask her about it? You don't have to be accusatory and certainly not nasty, but simply ask her to explain her reasoning and why. As for the prenup, a prenup only goes into effect in case of a divorce and has no relevance regarding future inheritance. Given that your dad is 80 years old and has Alzheimer's, it seems doubtful to me your SM would be waiting to hit the 10 year mark before filing for a divorce. Too, if you suspect she's interested in an inheritance, as you've implied, a divorce would effectively end any prospects of accomplishing that goal.

If you're sincere in only being interested in increasing communications with your dad I'd suggest making an all-out effort to mend your relationship with your SM. Afterall, she is his wife (regardless of prenups, inheritance, etc.)and considering his advanced age and Alzheimers is most likely his caretaker as well. You don't have to be best friends with your SM, but considering the circumstances I'd think you could at least develop some type of working relationship with her so you could become more of a part in your dad's life. Of course, this will also depend on the level of communication your dad wants. Sometimes divorced men enjoy standing in the shadows while placing their second wives on the front line to deal with all the drama and headaches associated with children from a former marriage. Too, your SM could perceive you as attempting to meddle in their marriage and lives. And it may ONLY be her perception, however perception tends to be our reality.. rightly or wrongly. Perhaps you might do a little self-reflection to see if you've given your SM any reason to have such a perception?

You say you are concerned about lack of communication with your father (even though his wife releases him from her personal prison so he can call you once or twice a month - how exactly is he allowed to do that???) but what stands out to me are concerns about social security and the Alaska properties (and that SM's sons's will now get instead of you).

You are worried that your father has Alzheimers and you stand to lose something you thought was rightfully yours. That's the point of your post.

If your father truly wanted you to be the executor of his will, you should have no problem calling him up and telling your SM when she answers that you need to speak to him about his request that you be the executor of his will. She would be aware of that request. You are coming up there on such and such a date so you can please speak to your father to organize a time or will she assist you?

Yeah, nothing on earth can bring out the daughterly "concern" quite as fast as an aging dad in a second marriage with property/money.

In my opinion, you have every right to be concerned for you father. As a daughter and a step mom, I can see both sides.

SugarSpice, imo, acting on guilt as a parent is a self-indulgence that can have terrible consequences for the children. While giving in to outrageous requests from children might soothe a parent's guilty conscious, it causes kids to develop a horrific sense of entitlement. In the long term, the entire child/parent relationship suffers for it. Greed and sucking up for personal gain is such an awful character flaw imo. Sounds like you've seen it in action. I have too and it isn't pretty. My SD and her children have made requests of us (or at least attempted to.. we try to head them off) that we would never have had the guts to request of either of our own parents or grandparents. They've created a situation where we honestly try to avoid them so we won't be constantly be put on the spot. The buttering up thing is utterly disgusting.

Yeah, the skids definitely figure out how to prey on their dad's vulnerabilities. Especially when dad isn't exactly the poster child for mental health. My skids are constantly in a greed induced frenzy and it's sickening to watch in action.